Lydia didn’t move. Her hand was still in his arm, but her whole body was weak. Milton wanted her to come with him? She had suspected that, but to hear him say it…
“Would you come with me, Lydia?” He looked down at her. “I mean, eventually? I wouldn’t expect you to leave home at once or get your own apartment in Ogdensburg, but we could see each other secretly in the meantime.”
His meaning was plain enough. He wanted her as his frau in the Englisha world, away from the community she loved. But out there, she would have Milton. Wouldn’t that be her miracle? The very thing she had prayed and longed for?
“Would you?” Milton repeated. “You can take all the time you wish to answer. I won’t rush you, but we could see each other whenever we get a chance. I don’t know how that would all work, but if you’re willing, it’s possible. Nancy will be married to Charles before long. It’s not as though you wouldn’t know anyone out there.” Milton waved his arm vaguely toward the open buggy door. “Nancy’s your old schoolteacher and almost mamm, so to speak. Surely we can’t go wrong if Nancy has done the same thing?”
Lydia reached for the dreaded words. “But that’s jumping the fence. I’m a baptized member, so I’d be excommunicated.” She looked up at him. “It’s easier for you. You wouldn’t have to go through that.”
“It wasn’t me who joined the baptismal class,” Milton chided. “I would have told you not to if you had asked.”
Lydia sat up straighter on the buggy seat.
“Please,” Milton begged. “I know this isn’t the way things are usually done, but these aren’t normal times. How often does a sister turn down a request to marry her old lover and instead marries an Englisha man? I’d say that’s a pretty strong sign which way the winds blow. We ought to take our chance, Lydia. We can be happy out there. The whole wide world awaits us. We can travel. We can see things, all without the stifling arm of the community wrapped around our shoulders.”
“I like the community,” Lydia whispered. “I have always liked it.”
“But there’s more,” Milton insisted. “And Nancy’s out there. You wouldn’t be alone.”
“I’d be very alone.”
“You’d have me,” Milton said.
Lydia’s chest hurt, but she looked up at him. He was so handsome, so near, so bold, and so full of himself. Milton hadn’t changed. He still planned to jump the fence. And she had failed to change his mind.
“I can’t do it,” she said.
“I didn’t think so,” Milton said. “But tell me why not. You’d get used to the Englisha ways right quick, Lydia. Their women have washers and dryers and microwaves and all kinds of fancy things in the house. You could live on easy street compared to how we live now. Think about that before you say no.”
Lydia stifled a sob. Milton missed the point entirely, and she couldn’t enlighten him. How could she? It’s about my love for you, and your love for me, and our love for those who love us. How could she say that?
Milton jiggled the reins, and Red increased his speed. Was Milton eager now for the ride to end? She had rejected his offer, had she not? What man wouldn’t be hurt and disappointed? Lydia stifled another sob.
Milton gave her a glance but didn’t say a word. What was there to say? He had offered his best, and she had turned him down. But it wasn’t too late. She could have him if…
“I can’t do it!” Lydia repeated. “I’m sorry. I want to, Milton. I love you, I really do. I’ve wanted this for so long—you don’t know how long. Oh…” Lydia covered her face with her hands. Her words were a pathetic cry now. She had completely embarrassed herself.
Milton tugged on her arm until she looked at him. “Can’t you come with me, Lydia?” he asked again. “What do I have to do—get down on my knees? Do I have to stop the buggy and crawl in the dirt? I want to be with you, Lydia. I want to date you properly like you deserve, and someday provide a home for you—if you’ll have me, of course. But we don’t belong in the community. I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise, but it hasn’t worked. I can’t stay, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you. You are so much fun to be around, Lydia. Why can’t we walk through life together? You bless me, Lydia. You warm my heart. You bring out the best in me, like no other girl ever has. Let’s not throw that away.”
Lydia wiped her tears. “But jumping the fence is throwing it away.”
Milton groaned. “I wish you wouldn’t be like this. I wish you would trust me. Isn’t a man supposed to lead his family in the right way, as he sees it?”
Pain racked Lydia’s whole body. How was she supposed to answer that question?
“Isn’t that right?” Milton insisted. “We’ve heard that preached all our lives. Haven’t we? And what do you think Nancy is doing?”
Lydia forced herself to breathe. This was all so wrong, yet she had said enough. Milton was a man. That she couldn’t follow him was her fault. The pain around her heart was so intense that she couldn’t speak even if she had wanted to explain.
“It’s still no, isn’t it?” Milton said.
Lydia focused on the passing fields outside the buggy door and didn’t respond. She would always remember this Christmas Eve as the day their love had died.
When Milton shook the reins, Red ran faster. The Mast driveway appeared in front of them, but Milton didn’t slow down until he was almost there. Red stumbled on the turn, and they dashed up to the barn door for a sudden stop. Lester’s face appeared for a moment in the barn window.
“Here we are,” Milton announced. He made no move to climb down from the buggy.
Lydia forced the words out. “It’s good-bye then?”
“I guess so,” he said. “Unless you change your mind. I won’t wait forever.”
Lydia slowly lowered herself to the ground. All she needed on top of everything else was a spill down Milton’s buggy step. Once on solid ground, she walked up the sidewalk without a backward glance. Milton’s buggy wheels whirled on the driveway behind her, but Lydia pressed on. When Laura opened the door with a bright smile, it faded at once.
“Oh, Lydia!” Laura exclaimed.
Lydia sobbed as they embraced, and she didn’t quiet down until Laura led her to the couch. There the story spilled out in a great rush.
“We must believe in the best!” Laura declared at the end. “The Lord can still make miracles happen. Doesn’t John walk?”
Lydia didn’t protest. She was too numb. And what did it matter? Tomorrow was Christmas. They would be alone at home, with everyone in a difficult mood. Daett wouldn’t want to leave the house after Nancy had refused him, and he wouldn’t recover from his humiliation for a long time. Now Lydia had her own heartache to nurse. Only Laura seemed hopeful and full of joy.
“We’ll have breakfast by ourselves tomorrow,” Laura said. “But the Lord will still be with us.”
She would not disagree with that truth, Lydia decided. Even in the darkest trials of the night of one’s sorrows.
Chapter Thirty-Three
The first serious snowstorm blew into the North Country the week after New Year’s Day. Blasts of wind tore off tree branches and left behind drifts piled three feet high in places.
The morning after the worst of the storm, Laura drove out of the Mast driveway with Lydia seated beside her. Laura held on to Maud’s reins with both hands as she navigated around the drifts, which had crept into the road since the last snowplow had driven through.
Laura set her chin and took a tighter grip on the reins. An Englisha pickup appeared in the distance and roared past them, spraying snow on Maud. The horse slowed to a walk to shake her head, and Laura let her take her time. She would let nothing dampen her spirits this morning. Nothing! This errand was too important. If the plan didn’t work, the Lord would lay another one on her heart. She would not give up until she said the marriage vows with John. Wendell’s attentions had done the exact opposite of what Wendell had hoped. She was more committed than ever to a wedding day with John.
“We should have stayed home until this snow clears up,” Lydia muttered.
“No, we shouldn’t have,” Laura said. “Now is the right time to set out. I’m convinced of it.”
“But to Deacon William’s place? What will the man think?”
Laura kept the smile on her face. “He knows me. He’s probably expecting me to show up. The man likely wonders what took me so long before I asked for his help.”
Lydia grimaced.
“Anyway, you’re with me, and that’s enough for now.” Laura settled back into her seat. She was more nervous than she admitted to Lydia, but Deacon William would hear her out. The man had a tender heart. Hadn’t he given Nancy every chance to correct her mistakes? Laura fixed her gaze on the next snowdrift ahead of them. Maud shook her head again as the snow blasted across the road.
“I wish I had your nerve.” Lydia said. “Maybe then I could jump the fence with Milton. That’s what he wants—a woman with spunk and courage. But I just can’t. On that count, I’m a failure, Laura. A total failure.”
“Don’t say that,” Laura chided. “You know that’s not true. Not jumping the fence with Milton was the only decision you could make. He probably respects you even more by now. Milton knows you’re a principled woman who won’t give in to the wrong thing to get what she wants.”
Lydia groaned. “I don’t have your cheerful outlook, Laura. There’s nobody waiting for me the way Wendell waited for you—not to mention a dozen other unmarried men who would snatch you up at a moment’s notice. No one has looked twice at me, even during the time I spent in Uncle Henry’s district. Milton—”
Laura stopped Lydia with a quick pat on her arm. “Don’t run yourself down. I know the quality person you are, and if the men can’t see that, it’s their fault. Milton will come around. Just keep hope alive in your heart.”
She didn’t fault Lydia’s gloomy outlook in the least. The truth was, she’d shed plenty of tears on her pillow over the hopelessness of her own situation.
“I’m not giving up,” Laura said out loud. “Not yet.”
Lydia’s smile was sad, but at least she was supportive, even amid her own pain and despair.
Laura pulled back on the reins as Deacon William’s place came into view. Maud seemed to sense their destination and plunged into the lane, right though a drift blocking half the driveway. The buggy bounced sideways but settled down on the other side.
“See, even Maud knows we should be here,” Laura said, hanging on to the reins as Maud made a wild dash for the warm side of the barn.
Deacon William’s face appeared in the barn window as Laura climbed down from the buggy. By the time she had the tie rope fastened, the deacon had hurried up to them.
“What brings you girls out on this wintry morning?” he asked. “Is something wrong at home? Your Daett is—”
“No, everything’s fine.” Laura gave the deacon a weak smile. “Of course Daett is struggling, as you can imagine, but he’ll be okay. The Lord will give him strength for…” Laura stopped. She had said enough.
“Yah,” Deacon William agreed. “The Lord’s will must be done, but it is not goot for a man to be alone. I will pray for your daett, and I will speak with him at the next service. He should not take Nancy’s rejection to heart. We all did what we could, but a person must still make their own choices, and Nancy has made hers.”
Laura nodded toward her sister. “Lydia was kind enough to come along with me this morning for support.”
“Goot morning.” Deacon William acknowledged Lydia’s presence but then turned back to Laura. “Did you wish to speak with me in private? We can go into the house where it’s warmer. Elizabeth is baking bread, but I’m sure she’d welcome Lydia’s help.”
Laura gave him another smile. “I’ll take you up on that. But Lydia and I have no secrets. You can speak freely around her.”
“That’s even better.” Deacon William beamed. “In fact, Elizabeth might have a few moments to spare from her kitchen work. She could sit with us, if you don’t mind?”
Laura didn’t hesitate. “Certainly! But if Elizabeth is in the middle of bread making, we can help her first. Lydia and I have all morning.”
“Then let’s go find out,” Deacon William declared, leading the way to the house where he held open the front door. Elizabeth hurried out from the kitchen to greet them and take their coats.
“We don’t want to disturb your work,” Laura said. “In fact, we can help if you need us.”
“The bread’s rising now,” Elizabeth said with a smile. “And regardless, whatever brought you girls out this morning must be worth a little of our time.”
“Then let’s be seated.” Deacon William waved toward the couch. He settled into the rocker himself, and Elizabeth smoothed her apron and sat beside him on hers. They both looked expectantly toward Laura, who gathered herself.
Now that the moment had arrived, all her thoughts had fled away. This was so important, these next few seconds, if she ever wanted to wed John. Tears gathered in Laura’s eyes and she lowered her head.
Elizabeth got up to slip her arm around Laura’s shoulder. “Oh, you poor dear. Is this about John?”
Laura nodded. “I suppose you’ve heard what I did at the youth gathering a while back?”
“Yah.” Elizabeth stood by her side. “You’ve always had plenty of spunk.”
“But I had to! I couldn’t stand it one moment longer. There I was with Wendell, trying to show him that I would never love him, but John was over there, and I felt I should have been with him. It’s so wrong. All of it! We should already be wed by now.” Laura caught her breath. This outburst was not going to help. Deacon William might be open to a humble and broken cry, but this sounded like an outraged woman. But she would not despair. She couldn’t. “I still love John,” Laura continued. “With all of my heart, and I know the Lord wishes for us to be wed. It cannot be otherwise. Won’t you please speak with John’s parents and tell them how wrong this is?”
Elizabeth said nothing and returned to her rocker. Deacon William stared out the front window at the snowdrifts for a moment before he responded. “You know, Laura, that the church doesn’t get involved in these matters. We don’t tell people who to marry. John’s parents are the ones who oppose this. It’s not the church’s business to tell them they’re wrong. And how would you support yourselves, Laura? John must agree with his parents on the matter. Why else has he not pursued you further?” Deacon William’s voice was gentle. “Even when you’ve made your interest so plain to him.”
“And to everyone else,” Elizabeth added. “Not that I’m scolding you, Laura, but maybe we can help you to face things. Wendell Kaufman is a very decent man. Maybe William can still speak to him and things can be patched up between the two of you.”
Laura pressed back the tears. She had blown her one chance. That was clear enough. Lydia must have agreed, because she reached over to comfort her. Laura held Lydia’s hand while she collected herself.
“I don’t know how to explain myself properly, I guess,” she finally whispered. “I come across too strong right now and probably appear as if I’m not being submissive to the Lord’s will. But the truth is that I wouldn’t ask this of you, Deacon William, if I didn’t feel it was the Lord’s will that I wed John. I know in my heart that John feels the same way. He loves me. That hasn’t changed. I know you want John to make more of a fuss, but that’s not John’s way—especially now that he’s blind. That has broken his spirit. He’s too wunderbah a man to claim his right to a frau if he can’t see—especially if his parents are against the union. John needs some reason to believe that he still has a right to take his place as a husband at my side, and perhaps later, if the Lord wills, as a daett to his kinner. You could explain that to him, if anyone could, Deacon William. I know you could.”
A thin smile spread across the deacon’s face. “I admire your courage, Laura. John is blessed indeed to have such a dedicated woman who gives her love to him, but I must s
ay that Wendell would likewise be worthy of your devotion. I haven’t spoken with the man since the…” Deacon William cleared this throat. “But I would be willing. I think Elizabeth is right. Even if Wendell’s pride was deeply wounded by your actions, pride is something we all must lay down. I’m sure Wendell can see this and will be willing to forgive you.”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” Laura said, slowly rising to her feet. “I’m sorry I’ve taken up your time this morning. I’m sorry for the poor impression I’ve made, but I will continue to pray for the Lord’s will. In the meantime, I have no love in my heart for Wendell, so—”
“Just think about what we said,” Deacon William interrupted. He stood up to place his hand on Laura’s shoulder. “That’s all we ask, and the church’s blessing will be with you regardless. Because I know you won’t do anything foolish, Laura. You’re not like Nancy—for whom I express my deepest regrets.” Deacon William paused, and Elizabeth nodded from her rocker. “Maybe once that shock has worn off,” Deacon William continued, “things will be different around your house. Spring will soon be here, and perhaps Wendell’s offer will appear more attractive with the trees in full bloom.”
Laura shook her head. “Nancy said she tried to help me, but I don’t know how she could have, even if she had wed Daett like she planned to…”
“The Lord’s will is our answer,” Deacon William said. “And we must not look to man’s help, even from people we love. Think about what we said, Laura. Pray, and we will do likewise.” Deacon William held the door open, and Laura slipped out with Lydia right behind her. Neither of them said a word as Deacon William hurried ahead of them and untied Maud from the hitching post. Laura and Lydia climbed in the buggy, and Deacon William gave them an encouraging smile before he tossed them the reins. He stood aside and watched them leave until they had cleared the huge drift across the end of his driveway.
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