by Lindsey Iler
I jump into the driver’s side and start the engine. Kacey stands along the side of the road where Caleb’s car cools down from his win against Dan. I reverse into an open spot. Gently closing the door to my car, I turn to see Violet a few steps away from me. With her hands on her hips, she closes the space to trap me against my own car.
She jabs her bony finger into my chest. “What is your problem?” Violet whispers.
My hands fly up, shielding me from her assault. “What are you all fired up about?” I ask, smiling down at her.
Violet’s arms cross over her chest as she watches me. “Don’t be cute with me. Kennedy was fine until her eyes locked on you. What did you do, flash one of your pretty little smiles? Wink at her? Because she’s been in a funk ever since Kacey jumped into your arms.”
“Why is it you assume Kennedy’s in a ‘funk’ because of me?” I throw up finger quotes as I repeat Violet’s sentiment.
“You’re the only person on this planet who can drive that girl mad, so I’m only assuming that history’s repeating itself.”
“Can you keep your voice down?” I demand. My body slides away from Violet’s small frame. I’m in no mood to deal with her tonight.
A hand reaches out, grabs my arm, and spins me around. “Seriously? Leave her be. She’s finally getting her life under control. She doesn’t need you to destroy it again.”
“I haven’t talked to her in over a month. I’m giving her space. She’s clearly moved on, so why the inquisition when I haven’t done anything wrong? I’m doing what she needs,” I argue, grabbing another beer from the cooler beside the car next to mine.
“You’re both fucking idiots.” She walks away, but glances back to where I’m frozen in shock. “She’ll never move on. Kennedy may never admit it, but you’re what she needs.”
“I’ve moved on, too.”
Violet looks over to where Kacey stands. Her eyes bounce back and forth between us. “Keep telling yourself that.”
Polishing off the remainder of my beer, I grab another one, popping the top before I wrap my arm around Kacey’s hip.
“Everything okay?” Kacey asks. Sweetness drips from her tongue.
“It will be.” I tip the can toward the sky and finish it in four large chugs.
Until I hear Caleb announce my race, I spend the hour with Kacey wrapped around me.
“Get your ass over here, Black,” Caleb yells from the middle of the dirt road.
Kacey’s hands unravel from around me.
“I’m coming,” I shout.
She slides down the hood of my car. As her feet land on the grass, she wraps her arm around my waist. “Be safe. You drank more than you should have,” she reminds me, a sincere smile on her face.
Her soft, full lips find mine, and before I know it, her mouth opens for me. Kacey and I have never kissed like this. Everything between us has been innocent flirting, with kisses few and far between. Our contact ends, and I drop her to her feet. I don’t know what I’m searching for as I look in her eyes.
“Unlatch from the sophomore and get your ass behind the wheel.” Caleb waves at me over Kacey’s shoulder.
I find a safe spot for Kacey, reluctantly, beside Becky. As I make my way to the start line, I glance out the window to see Kennedy’s eyes trained on me, taking in everything her stare lands on. Her head shakes side to side, and her eyes speak the silent words between us.
My foot feels heavy on the gas pedal. I stretch my neck side to side, forward, and then back to ease my anxiety. With false confidence, I rev the engine and then idle beside my opponent.
Dan stands in front of the two cars, his hand raised in the air. The purr of the engines is music to my ears, prepping me for what’s to come. I anticipate Dan’s signal, so when it comes, I slam my foot down on the gas.
I’m off, driving into oblivion with zero visibility. I find happiness in every second of it. The potholes nearly knock me off course when my tires hit them. Now I understand Caleb’s reluctance to let me race. This isn’t easy, straight forward racing. There’s no even ground beneath the rubber, and the wetness from the rain makes keeping control impossible. Because of the beer, my vision blurs as I approach the deadly turn.
Tyler and I are neck and neck, and he doesn’t appear to be slowing. I teeter between the gas pedal and my brake. At the last opportunity, I take the outside, almost slamming my driver’s side into Tyler’s passenger mirror. My front tire slips on the edge of the forest. Tyler slows down just as I speed up, allowing me to pass.
My foot meets the gas pedal with determination. Through the last half of the race, I control the car with ease until my car rushes across the finish line. I maneuver into park, and without bothering to turn off the engine, I step out of the car. Kacey’s arms find purchase around my waist as soon as the crowd parts for her.
I revel in the attention like I’ve never won anything, when, in reality, it’s the exact opposite. This is nothing new to me. I bask in their praises, smiling down at Kacey. She kisses me on the cheek, and for a split second, I believe I’ve won. It isn’t until the crowd parts further that I know I’ve lost.
You can feel the anticipation in the air, thick with anger and tension as Kennedy storms towards me. Kacey takes a few steps back.
“Are you out of your goddamn mind?” Kennedy shouts, shoving her hands into my chest. “You can’t be this fucking stupid.” Her open palm slaps me across the face. “You can’t be this fucking stupid, Graham.”
Chapter Thirteen
Kennedy
As Graham gets behind the wheel of his car, my stomach twists in unpredictable ways. Mark assures me he’ll be okay, without me even having to ask. His arm slips over my shoulder to pull me close to his side.
Mark has this innate ability to tell when I’m going into panic mode. He says it’s in my eyes. They tell him everything he needs to know.
Since the day we skipped class, we’ve taken slow steps to forge forward in our relationship. Mark’s made his intentions clear, but he understands my heart isn’t free of Graham.
Like a glass of water in the desert, a part of me yearns for Graham. The other part, the side wrapped up in Mark, knows first love doesn’t necessarily have to be my last. As humans, we are capable of moving on.
That part of me showed up with Mark tonight. I’m not afraid to admit having his attention and protection eases my mind.
At the edge of the dirt road, I train my eyes on the pair of taillights. Time stands still, and inside, I scream. I’m ready to go to war as heat promenades beneath my skin. Headlights appear over the small hill, and the chatter slows to a dull roar.
When Mark reaches around my waist to pull me back from the raceway, I push his hand away. Graham crosses the finish line, and everyone rushes his car. His smile is proof that he soaks in every small compliment.
Before I can direct them to stop, my feet carry me through the crowd. People move as if they know I’m here for a reason, and it’s not to kiss his ass like the rest of them. With his ankles crossed, he leans against the car.
“Are you out of your goddamn mind?” I scream. “You can’t be this fucking stupid.” My hand snaps forward until it connects with his cheek. “You can’t be this fucking stupid, Graham.”
The crowd halts their exit to watch our drama unfold. He’s stunned silent. Dan shouts for everyone to get in their cars, to get the hell out of here, that there’s nothing for them to see anymore.
I’m grateful. A mixture of emotions swims in Graham’s eyes. There’s too much to decipher.
“Are you done now?” Graham shields himself with his hands.
I bury my fingers deep in my hair. “Not even fucking close. What are you thinking? You could have killed yourself, Graham.”
Graham moves to the hood of his car and twists to face me. “We both know you aren’t worried about me, Ken.”
My eyes narrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I question.
“It doesn’t fucking matter. What matters is you
losing your shit and slapping me across the face. I get that enough at home, Kennedy. I don’t need it from you, too.”
At his honesty, my eyes shut. The crickets chirping and the wind in the trees are a distraction. At this moment, if I look at him, tears will fall.
I messed up.
My eyes open, and I reach out to him. “Graham...” I whisper.
My hand grazes his arm and his body jerks away from mine. As I take the final step to him, Graham acknowledges me with a deep breath.
“Don’t ever lay your hands on me again, Kennedy.” His hands find comfort on the top of his head, his fingers intertwined. He faces me, and the corners of his lips turn down as he tries to control his erratic breathing. Graham’s eyes are red, full of unshed tears.
“I’m allowed to be angry. I’m allowed to lose my shit when you’re reckless like that.”
“What are you talking about? I’m invincible. Nothing can touch me.” Graham scowls, his tone tart. His hands fall from his head and he laughs.
Please, let him be joking.
“You’re a damn fool if you honestly believe you’re invincible. After everything that’s happened, I hope you’ve figured that much out at least. At some point, it’s all going to come tumbling down on you, and I’m not sure I can stick around to watch it happen,” I confess, believing the finality of my words.
Graham rolls his eyes. “Go find Mark. I’m sure he’s waiting for you to wrap those long, dancer legs around him.”
I know this game. He won’t have to try as hard this time to push me away.
“Go fuck yourself, Graham. At least Mark didn’t drink himself into a stupor, and then run me over. At least he’s been by my side this whole time, while you’ve been burying yourself in different girls. At least Mark sees something in me worth having,” I scream, slamming my finger into my chest. All my pent up anger boils over. “You only think about yourself. You haven’t learned anything from last year. I didn’t lie all this time to everyone I love for you to be the same reckless, selfish, son of a bitch you were that night.”
I swipe the back of my hand across my face to clear the overwhelming tears.
“What did you just say?” a familiar, soft voice whispers.
Violet.
Graham’s body stills, and I search his face for answers. With his eyes cast to the ground, refusing to meet my gaze, I take a few steps until our toes touch.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, for him alone to hear. “I’m so sorry.”
“Kennedy, what are you talking about?” Mark shouts.
I lean around Graham and see Mark’s wide eyes and agape mouth. He already knows the answer and there’s no need to answer his question. There’s no hiding the truth anymore.
I slip my hands in my pockets. “Mark, it’s not...”
“You son of a bitch,” Mark bellows. His voice echoes throughout the trees.
With determined steps, Mark crashes into Graham’s back. Graham takes the brunt of the collision on his forearms. Mark straddles him, his fists recklessly connecting with Graham’s face. I scream for Mark to get off him, but he doesn’t listen to my pleas. My voice grows hoarse. Violet wraps her arm around me, pulling me back. Mark hails punch after punch at Graham, who takes every hit as if he deserves it.
I break free from Violet’s hold to separate them. Strong hands lift me from the ground, and I kick, not caring who holds me.
“You have to stop him,” I demand when Dan finally puts me down. “He’s not even fighting back.” Tears stream down my face as I shriek.
“Graham’s not fighting back because he knows he deserves what’s coming to him.” Dan’s eyes soften with his sincerity.
“No he doesn’t. It was me,” I yell. “It was me.”
My admission is loud enough to break Mark’s blind rage. His fist cocked back mid-punch, he twists towards me. I shake my head and look to the ground.
“It was me. I told him to walk away that night.” I peer down into his eyes.
Mark jumps off Graham and wipes his bloody fist on his jeans. As he stands in front of me, he cups my cheeks, an eyebrow raised in question. “You told him to go after he ran you over? Why would you do that?”
Graham stands, a glimmer of relief in his eyes shrouded by defeat. Dan’s right. He took the shots as a punishment. He thought he deserved each and every one.
“Because, even then, I knew Graham was special,” I confess, turning to inspect every inch of Graham’s body and fighting the urge to fix him. “Because he deserves better than this town.”
“How could you not tell me?” Violet’s voice breaks. “I’m your best friend and you couldn’t even tell me. You didn’t bother to confide in me, letting this asshole walk around like he’s some saint, when in reality, he could’ve killed you.” Violet’s finger points at Graham. The hurt in both their eyes is evident.
“It’s complicated. No one would have understood. You guys... you don’t understand,” I stammer. This was supposed to be our secret.
Dan stands next to Violet. “Let’s get going, Vi. I think everyone needs a breather.” A sad smile adorns his face as he looks amongst our group.
Violet turns her back, making her way towards Dan’s truck without glancing to where I stand.
Dan’s large hand rests on my shoulder. “You going to be okay?” he asks.
“I’ll be fine,” I reassure him. “Get Violet home safe, please.”
“I can do that.” Dan turns his gaze to Graham. “I’ll make sure Kacey gets home, man. I think you have more important things to hash out.”
Graham’s hand raises to give his thanks. My eyes dart between the two guys left standing beside me. Mark’s stare is frantic, still riled up from his fight with Graham. As it falls on me, a softness shines behind his blue irises.
Mark nods to his Jeep. “I’ll be waiting. Take as much time as you need.” With only a handful of steps taken, he turns to face Graham and me again. “We may be friends, and you know I love you like you’re my own brother, but stay the fuck away from her.”
“Mark!” I cringe at his blatant attempt to put Graham in his place.
I watch Mark’s back retreat until the dome light illuminates his face and fades to darkness.
A foot of space separates Graham and me. His hand rubs across his forehead and down over his eyes, stopping on his jawline.
“He’s good for you,” Graham mutters, kicking the dirt before looking between Mark’s Jeep and me.
“I’m only worried about you right now.” An extra step closes the remaining gap between us.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” Graham shakes his head.
“No one was ever supposed to know.” I reach out and he allows me to grab his hand.
“And now they do.” Graham’s shoulders lift slightly.
“What now?” I speculate.
“They won’t tell a soul if you ask them not to. Our secret’s safe,” Graham deadpans. He jerks his hand from mine as if the contact burns him to the bones. “You all can go back to your lives. I’ll be fine.”
Cursing Graham’s name under my breath, I stomp to the Jeep. The heat of my anger makes me want to punch something.
“Kennedy, wait,” Graham shouts. His words stop me a few feet from Mark’s passenger side door, and I spin to see him run toward me.
“For what, Graham? Because what I’m waiting on will never happen.”
Graham’s arms fly up from his sides, and he lets out an audible groan. “What do you want from me?”
“That’s a loaded question coming from you and you know that.” My head shakes with fury.
“Just answer the damn question.”
On their own accord, my feet move until I stand inches from Graham. “Fine. I want you to look at me like you used to. Like your world started and ended with me. Remember that? I want you to protect yourself from everything that threatens your talent and your impossibly bright future. I want you to want me as much as I want you, but you’ve made it crystal cle
ar that’s not going to happen.”
“You’re with Mark now,” Graham states, like it’s that easy of an answer.
“I would drop anything for you, but you aren’t willing to do the same for me. I can’t sit around and wait for you to catch up.”
I turn to Mark’s car again and reach for the handle. My fingers halt before I lift it. As I turn to face him once again, I know I said the right thing. He needs to know he’ll always be my first choice, but a person can only hold on for so long before she breaks.
“Take care of yourself, Graham, because I’m done.” My heavy shoulders shrug. “It’s my turn to walk away from you,” I sob, wiping the few tears that sneak by my restraint.
“I never meant to hurt you.” Graham’s eyes lock on mine.
“That doesn’t matter because you did anyway, Graham.”
Leaving him on that dirt road is the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I can’t be held back by someone who drags himself through the mud. I have a life to live that goes beyond the four corners of this small town.
“You okay?” Mark whispers, taking my hand as I slide into the car.
“I will be,” I answer with honesty.
As my head rests against the cold glass, I stare out of the passenger window. Mark’s strong hand covers mine, his fingers tucked softly within my own.
“I’ll take you home.” Turning his music up a notch, Mark focuses on the road.
I don’t listen to the lyrics, but the melody engulfs me. It drowns me in my own sadness, and I’m barely able to reach a place of comfort in my mind to relieve the burn aching in my chest.
Mark pulls into my driveway and pushes the gearshift into park as he removes his seatbelt. His body turns until he faces me and leans forward to gain my attention. I gaze at Mark for something, I don’t know what, but I think I find it in his tender eyes.
“What happened back there, everything you heard, needs to stay between us,” I whisper.
“Why are you protecting him, Kennedy?” Mark pleads, his free hand waving in the air with frustration.
“I can’t give up on him. Graham’s not who he’s supposed to be, and I know that’s not for me to decide, but I will not play any part in destroying him.”
