“So,” I say nervously, my hands resting on my shaking leg, “about the other night.”
“Yeah about that,” he replies quickly, his body turning toward mine.
“The thing is,” –I play with my fingers, looking down at my hands the whole time– “I’d had quite a lot to drink and I think you’re a really nice guy,” I babble, struggling to find the right words.
“Let me guess,” he interrupts. I narrow my eyes, waiting for him to continue. “You’re more into my friend than you are me?”
His words knock me. “Wait. What? Why?” I stutter, unable to form anything resembling a verbal response.
“I know about you and Caleb,” he blurts out. I sink lower into my seat, feeling like a pretty shitty human being right now. “So, were you drunk when you kissed him, too?”
“No,” I snap. “It was just a kiss, nothing more.”
“So here’s the thing I want to talk to you about. Me,” he points to his chest, “I’m a big boy and if you don’t like me, then fine. I’ll move on. Sure, I like you, and yes, I would’ve liked to get to know you more, but it didn’t work out that way. And I’m fine about it. But Caleb, well that’s different.”
“I know it is, of course I know. He’s complicated and dark and mysterious…” My words trail off in a dreamy pause, and Josh’s head comes into focus as he leans forward, trying to get my attention.
“Caleb has, well how do I say this,” he pauses momentarily, “he has a past. There are reasons he’s the way he is.” Taking in the serious look etched on his face, I want to ask why, to find out more about him.
“All I know is that he says he’s no good for me, but to be honest, I’ve had nothing but mixed signals from him.”
“Liking someone, being in the company and developing feelings for a girl is dangerous territory for Caleb. It’s not something he’s ever experienced,” he explains.
“What? Like ever?”
He presses his lips together in a fine line, his head moving slowly from side to side.
“Jeez.” I suck in a sharp breath. “What the fuck happened to him?”
“It’s not really my place to say.” He grimaces. “But know this, getting close to Caleb is like playing with fire.”
I tap my leg rapidly, my heart picking up pace as my mind races with thoughts of Caleb.
“All I’m saying is that if you’re lucky enough that he opens his heart and lets you in, don’t hurt him. He’s been through enough. Don’t play games, and don’t get involved unless you genuinely feel something for the guy. I’m not sure he could take it.”
I swallow, taking Josh’s warning with the seriousness he wholeheartedly means it with. “Like I said, it was just one kiss. Well, maybe two.” I smile widely at him. “I got swept up in the moment, in the intensity of being around him. Wait, you didn’t tell him about our kiss, did you?”
“No way.” He scrunches up his nose. “I’m not a jerk. It’s obvious from what he said that he’s totally into you. I wouldn’t do anything to mess things up for him.”
“So you think he’s into me?” I muse, pressing my finger to my lips.
“You got him in a spin, girl, so I’d say so. The whole time I’ve known him, his head’s not been turned once. That is, until you came along.”
“Shit.” I let my eyes fall shut, resting my head in my hands.
“I’m not trying to scare you off.” He smiles apologetically. “But I have to be honest and protect my friend.”
“Well you’ve managed to scare the shit out of me.” I laugh nervously. “I have no idea what is happening between us, and quite frankly, his back and forth emotions have given me a serious case of whiplash. But I know there’s something between us. An indescribable electricity. It’s something I can’t put my finger on.”
“Okay, okay, don’t rub it in,” he jokes. His eyes roll and his face contorts.
I can’t help but laugh at his ridiculous face. “I’m sorry,” I gasp between laughs. “But, we’re okay, right? I mean there’s no awkwardness between us.”
“Nah, none at all.” He smiles widely, putting my mind at ease.
“But you did tell Ryan about our drunken kiss. I know we didn’t say we’d keep secrets or anything, but blabbing to that jerk wasn’t a great move.”
He furrows his brow, his lips downturned. “You don’t like Ryan?” he asks in disbelief.
“And you do?” I counteract. “The guy has been nothing but a dick to me. He even threatened to tell Lily about me and you, so yeah I kinda wished you hadn’t said anything to him about us.”
“Jeez, I had no idea. I’ll be careful what I say to him in the future.”
“I know I need to come clean to her about it, but considering she had a bitch fit about you and me talking, I’m not sure it’s going to go down so well.”
“If she’s a true friend she’ll understand. After all, we are both free agents. We technically didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know you’re right, I’m just not sure she’ll see it the same way.”
We talk a little while longer, the conversation natural and flowing between us. For me, it’s becoming clearer to see that there’s no attraction to Josh, but the more I get to know him, the more I realize we can be good friends. He clearly has a kind heart, and his protection and care toward Caleb is more than admirable. Yeah, the more I spent time with him, the more I like him.
Just as friends.
Caleb
I throw down the graphite pencil in frustration, watching as it bounces across the wooden floor. The echo is almost deafening. I cover my ears, trying to block out the noise, only to realize the sound I hear is in my head. It’s my inner self, my mind that won’t shut the fuck up. Her name repeats over and over in my head, her image burned and branded into my memory. I look down at the sketchbook, my pathetic attempt at fulfilling my new customer’s brief. It’s supposed to be a sketch of a nude lady wearing a necklace, but right about now, it resembles nothing like a nude lady. This commission is good. It’s a friend referral and I rely on this kind of custom to make a living. I can’t afford to fuck it up. I stretch my head back, rolling my neck. Trying to relieve some of the tension. Truth is, I have no fucking idea how to deal with myself, let alone her. There’s something about her, something I’ve never felt or experienced. I can’t put my finger on it. Meeting someone, having feelings was never on the agenda. I should have left well enough alone. Kissing her was the biggest mistake I could’ve ever made. It’s the strike of the match, ultimately leading to a messy explosion. How could I have been so dumb, so weak to give into the heated desire?
I carry too many memories, too much evil from my past to allow myself to have given in to the temptation. I have to stop the voices in my head, the infatuation that’s already setting in. I have to dowse the fire, because clearly someone is going to get burnt. I couldn’t live with myself if I did that to her. She’s too damn special, and my mind is made up. I have to avoid her. I have to explain we should just be friends and nothing more. I sigh with a mild sense of relief, desperately trying to believe my own bullshit.
Walking back over to my stacks of littered art work, I notice the picture of Amber. Crouching down, I pull it out from the pile. Grasping it in my shaking hands, I study it for a while. The lump in my throat rises as thoughts of what could have been, what might have been, circle in my mind. Reaching for the pencil just beside me, I scribble a little something at the bottom of the picture.
You have fire in your soul and I’m a raging thunderstorm.
I will only put out your fire. You should always burn bright.
I’m sorry.
Caleb
I stand, gripping the sketch tightly in my hand. I make my way out of the apartment and down the hall a few feet. I just hope she understands the message I’m trying to send. Bending, I slowly push the drawing under the small gap at the bottom of her door. Using my index finger, I make sure it makes it all the way under. I take in a deep breath before standing
to return to my apartment. As soon as I turn my back, I hear the click of the lock on her door and right when my mind says speed up, my body freezes.
“Caleb,” her angelic voice calls me. Her voice is cautious and it’s obvious she doesn’t know what’s going on. I don’t know whether to run or turn and face her. Standing in a statuesque position, I feel her arms encase me from behind, her head resting against my back.
“What is this?” she asks, the sketch held in the tips of her fingers.
“An apology,” I say, sighing as I allow my head to fall forward, releasing her arms from around my torso. I feel sick at the loss of contact. Having her arms around me feels like nothing I’d ever encountered before, but it isn’t something I can give in to. It’s dangerous the way she makes me feel. I feel like I’m losing control of my senses, of my emotions.
“You have to leave me alone,” I growl. “I can’t fucking do this,” I say before storming back to my apartment, slamming the door shut.
Amber
I hold the drawing in my hands, his written words playing over and over in my mind. It eats me up knowing he’s just inches away. But I’m too scared to push him, to go knock on his door and ask what the fuck is going on. Which is what I really want to do. I know he feels the connection we have. It’s raw, unsolicited chemistry. Neither one of us can fight it. Or at least I don’t think we can. My chest heaves heavily as I breathe out, tears rolling down my cheeks, my back resting against the wall. I have to get out of the apartment, I need to get everything off my chest. I need a friend. Setting the picture down, I walk over to the couch to retrieve my phone. Unlocking it, I pause for a second, hovering my finger over the call icon, hesitant to call Lily. She’s called six times since I hung up and I know she will be quizzing me with a thousand and one questions.
Just as I look down to initiate the call, the phone starts to buzz my hand, Lily’s name appearing on the screen.
“Good timing.” I exhale heavily.
“Bitch!” she shrills. “Why do you never pick up my calls? I’m dying to know who was at your door. Come on, spill!”
I roll my eyes, dreading the forthcoming conversation. “It was Josh,” I say honestly, not sure how she will react.
“Josh,” she repeats slowly. “Why’s Josh at your apartment?”
“Because we had a few things to discuss,” I blurt out.
“Like what?” she snaps.
“Not over the phone. I’m coming over.”
It takes me fifteen minutes to get to Lily’s apartment. It’s considerably nicer than mine. More modern and the individual apartments are huge. I race up to her door, my nerves hitting the pit of my stomach. I have to come clean about Josh, and I’m not looking forward to her reaction. I’ve known Lily for a long time, and her freaking out that night at the bar was the first time I’d seen that side of her. Like ever. Boys had never been an issue. Since I’m the love them and leave them type, and our tastes are usually the polar opposite.
After rapping my knuckles loudly against her door, my fingers tap the top of my leg nervously as I wait for her to answer. A moment later, she swings open the door and pulls me in excitedly.
“Get in here.” She continues to pull on my arm.
“Dammit, Lil, I think you just gave me whiplash.” I let out a little laughter, my hand rubbing the back of my neck.
“Oh shut it. Now get talking. I want to know why Josh was at your apartment.” She narrows her eyes at me until they are no more than narrow slits.
I mock her. Pursing my lips together, I run my finger across them as though there is an invisible zipper. Crossing my arms and legs, I give her a smug face as she glares at me.
“Oh quit being smart. It doesn’t suit you,” she retorts, waving her hand in my face. “I need deets, like yesterday.”
I slide my eyes over to the wine rack, before glancing back at Lily. “It’s polite to offer your best friend a drink first.” I widen my eyes suggestively. She lets out a huff, pushing herself up and walking over to the large rack, pulling out a corked bottle of red.
“Red?” she asks, swaying the bottle from side to side.
“Fine.” I smile. “Just a small glass. I’m driving,”
“Or,” she drags out the word before continuing, “you could sleep here. You know, girly time.”
I tilt my head, thinking about her offer. I’m all up for staying. I’m just not sure how things will pan out by the time I’ve filled her in on all things Josh. “Let’s start with a small one,” I say guardedly.
She walks back over with a large glass and I can’t help but chuckle at her attempt to get me to stay.
“Okay, bitch tits, you now have a drink, so we’ve gotten all the polite customary shit outta the way. Now I want answers.” Her sheepish grin falls to a pout, her eyes glued to my face waiting for an answer.
“Okay, so you remember that night you ditched me and left me with your friends,” I say with a hint of sarcasm in my voice.
“Yes, yes, go on,” she says with a waft of her hand, her lips sipping at the rim of the wine glass.
“Well you know how I was locked out, right?”
“Huh, huh,” her response is more of a hum.
“Well, oh shit, please don’t hate me because I was really drunk and he was flirting, and I couldn’t help it.” My words come out as a babble and I’m not sure if any of it makes sense. I look up, trying to gage her reaction, but her eyes are narrowed in confusion. “Josh kissed me, and I drunkenly kissed him back. And no, I don’t like him. And yes, I’m sorry. It never was my intention.”
“What?” she says, her voice croaking as she parts the glass from her lips. “You kissed Josh?”
“Well, he kissed me. But either way, yeah we had one drunken, stupid kiss. And I regret it, Lil. I would never have done that sober.”
“But I told you I like him,” she interrupts.
“Yet you left me and went home with Ryan,” I spit back.
“So this was to get back at me? Because that’s what this sounds like to me, Am.” She moves herself away from me.
“Please believe me when I say it wasn’t intentional. I don’t even like the guy, well not like that anyway. Which is exactly what I told him.”
“So you’re not into him?”
“No! It was just a mistake.”
“I guess you’re both single and I have no claim. I’m just pissed you got him before me,” she says, sipping the wine from her glass noisily.
I roll my eyes and laugh at her comment.
“From what Josh says, he wasn’t even aware you like him. So maybe if you spent less time with that loser Ryan and more time with Josh, you might actually get somewhere. Hey, maybe we should all go out. I’ll ditch you without any keys, then he’ll be taking you home.” I reach out, using my elbow to nudge her teasingly.
“Hey,” –her eyes widen– “that sounds like a good plan to me.” She laughs lightly. I hold the wine glass to my lips, gulping down half. “Top me up, bestie. Looks like we’re having a girls’ night in, because there is a lot more I have to tell you.”
Minutes turn into hours and smiles turn into a look of horror as I tell her the full story about my whiplash induced breakdown. I replay, in detail, all that has happened between me and Caleb. And for the first time I actually confess, not only to myself, but to Lily, just how I feel about the man who has dominated my thoughts since the moment our lips connected.
“I actually have no words,” she murmurs in disbelief. “I mean, do you have any idea what happened to him? Why he’s pushing you away when, from what you say, it’s clear to see that there is a thing going on here.”
“If only. And you know what?”
“What?” she responds swiftly.
“I know that Josh knows something, but he won’t tell me. Which is kind of admirable and fucking annoying at the same time.”
“Annoying,” she joins in repeating what I said.
As the heat of the alcohol works its way through our systems, o
ur voices grow louder and Lily becomes more animated as her words begin to slur. I drink slowly, conscious that I have school, then the late shift at the café tomorrow. Sitting back, I watch Lily finish off the last of the second bottle. She can’t help but get carried away. Before I know it, her head is laid back, her mouth wide open. I chuckle a little to myself. The numbness is just enough for me to still be able to function, while still giving me that warm, euphoric, dream like state. Standing over Lily, I yank on her legs, pulling her to a laying position before covering her with the throw from the back of the couch. I kiss her lightly on the cheekbone before heading into her spare room.
***
Sunlight floods the bright white room. I blink, trying to relieve the haze in my eyes as I search to find some indication of the time. I need to get back to my apartment and get changed before my day at school. I hadn’t planned to sleep over, but I’m glad I did. I loved spending time with her and it was great to be able to clear the air. I throw back the sheets, heading out into the large lounge area. I squint from the sunlight flooding the main room, more so than the bedroom. The whole length of the apartment was floor to ceiling windows; the view from here is beautiful. All be it mostly buildings. I tiptoe over to my bag which I left by the front door, retrieving my phone from inside. I press the main screen button, lighting it to see the time. Taking a deep breath, I’m happy to see it’s still quite early. I walk over to Lily, bending over and touching her arm gently. She startles at the contact, her arms flying to her head as she holds it in her half dazed sleep.
“I’m going to head home to get showered and ready for school,” I whisper.
“Huh.” She groans. “So why wake me?” she asks, falling back down on the couch, resuming her earlier position. I laugh as she nuzzles the pillow and within seconds, she’s sleeping again.
With a chuckle, I unlock the door, letting myself out. The trip home takes almost no time. Taking the stairs two at a time, I rush to get to my floor. Grabbing my keys from my purse, I pull the door to my floor open. As soon as the door is open, a sound catches my attention. Pausing, I listen to see where it’s coming from. What I first thought was pounding now sounds like someone stomping their feet – loudly up the stairs. With my anxiety a little high, I start walking toward my apartment, looking over my shoulder. As the noise grows, I stop, keeping my eyes fixed on the door. It swings open and my heart jumps into my throat for a moment.
Burn with me Page 12
