“So, you’re over him?” He ask, his eyes light.
Our waitress comes to my rescue. She drops waters off along with chips and salsa and she leaves quickly. Avoiding the topic that hangs over our table, I shovel a chip in my mouth.
“Well?” He urges.
“Sorry, what were you saying?”
“You’re over him, right? You aren’t staying there to get him back?”
My jaw drops. “I was the one that ended it.”
“I’m just confused I guess. You ended things with me and just left town. You never gave me a reason. When your dad invited me over I thought maybe you were ready to talk, and I show up and you’re there with some guy.”
“I didn’t know he invited you,” I say on the defense.
He shakes his head, frustrated and looks down at the table. “We were together for years, Taylor, you left without so much of an explanation and got together with this guy. I just don’t understand why you’re so hung up on him.”
I stare at him blankly. “This is why you wanted to hang out?” I ask, my voice is barely a whisper.
“No, of course not. I miss you, you were my best friend. But when you told me about Hayze I just…I got hopeful.”
“I love you, I always have, but—”
“There’s always a but,” he says, rolling his eyes at me.
“As a friend. We were just kids. We didn’t really ever care for each other like that. I just wanna go back to before, can we do that?”
He takes my hands in his across the table. “I’ll take you anyway I can have you.”
I smile uncomfortably and pull my hands out from his. Tucking them in my lap this time.
“Have you talked to him? Your dad?” He asked.
“Gee, I finally remember why we don’t hang out anymore.” I smile, playing it off as a joke, but he knows I’m serious. Although he means well, Joseph can be a downer. It’s like he senses what would be most uncomfortable to talk about then he brings it up.
“Sorry. I’m just curious to know if he’s tried to apologize, or even talk to you.”
“He hasn’t, and I’m not surprised,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.
“No matter how much I sucked up, he hated me,” he chuckles.
“Are you serious? If I told him I was dating you, he would start talking to me again,” I laugh before I realize what I just said.
His brows shoot up. “If you need me to go along with it, I can.”
“Uh, I honestly don’t care if he’s talking to me or not,” I say, feeling my face heat.
He shakes his head. “Remember when Sean saw us kiss? He ran off and told your dad…Things were never the same after that day.”
“Oh my god, how could I forget that? It was my first act of rebellion.”
“Your defiance almost cost me my life,” he says, sounding as if he was still afraid.
“That’s right! He talked to you for like an hour, and you didn’t kiss me for like a month after that.”
“Good times,” he says sarcastically.
Our waitress got our orders and brought our food out promptly. We only stopped talking when she was at our table. The other time was spent talking and laughing. I’d forgotten how much fun I had around him. We parted ways, promising to hang out again.
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER NINE
Hayze
Sometime past ten the front door opens. I sit up, listening. The Jack Daniels bottle is positioned on my chest, where I sat it before I passed out. I hear Taylor moving around in the apartment, but I don’t hear the douchebag. I came out after she left, knowing I needed to be drunk in case the little shit got brave and showed up.
“Out here,” I say.
She pulls the curtains back and walks through the open door. Her eyes narrowed as she takes in the bottle in my lap. On any other night she’d be packing her shit, but tonight she takes the bottle from me and takes a drink.
I watch her face morph into a frown as she swallows the whiskey, chuckling. He must’ve pissed her off.
“Didn’t peg you for a whiskey drinker,” I say.
“You bring out the best in me.” She takes two more gulps before giving it back. “You were right.”
“About what?” I ask, slightly leaning up. We passed the bottle back two more times before she sighs.
“Joseph,” she finally answers.
“What the fuck did he do?” I ask. My hands were clenched around the chair, keeping me seated. I need to calm down. I don’t even know what he did yet.
“I’m a shitty person. I didn’t think about how I left him. I was selfish,” she says, resting her face in her hands. I fight the urge to laugh.
I snort and turn from her, leaning back in the chair. “Fuck ‘em.”
“I just feel bad about everything. He didn’t deserve that,” she says.
“I know how he feels.”
Her eyes grow wide. “Leaving a guy I dated for years because I was pissed at my dad, and leaving a guy because he’s on drugs are two totally different things.”
“I tried explaining everything after that night.”
“You were a little late,” she huffs.
“You’re tellin’ me if I was honest with you from the day we met, you would’ve stayed with me?” I ask, even though I know the answer. Hell no, she would’ve ran for the hills if she knew what I was doing.
She opens her mouth then snaps it shut, thinking. “Well…This situation was a little different.”
“If you’d just hear me out on some things,” I say.
“So, all of this,” she says, motion around us in a slumbered state. “It’s been going on for a while?"
"You could say that. I’ve never stopped this long. I’m done with it,” I say, and it’s true until I look at the whiskey bottle in my hands. “Except this. Started this when you left.”
“Oh,” she says, clearly hurt.
"Fuck, it wasn't supposed to sound like that. Believe me, you aren't the reason for it. I just meant that's when I started doing it…again."
"You stop then go back to it? It's a pattern? You're good and something sets you off and you start again?”
“No, Taylor, I’ve never stopped. This is the first time since I was seventeen.”
She rubs her temples. “I just don’t know if I could believe you again. That’s our problem. I know you’re trying, I can see that, but it’s just not enough to silence my doubt.”
I stand up and lean against the wall. I’m already drunk, so I set the bottle down, and try to think about what I can say to her to make it better. In a roundabout way, she admitted she cares for me. She just can’t trust me. I can change that.
“I didn’t expect to fall in love. I knew I would drag myself down, but I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect to drag someone else with me. For some fucked up reason, beyond my imagination, I fell in love with you, someone so good, so pure. And I can’t stop,” I said, hoping I can change her mind.
“I could’ve helped you, Hayze…”
“I had to do it when I was ready.”
“If you wanted something with me, you would’ve put all the partying and going out stuff behind you when we started dating!” She snaps then walks to the door, but I’m not letting her leave that fast.
I’ve been called out on my shit many times, and it’s always the same thing. Everyone thinks I do it for fun. At one point in my life, I probably did, but I can’t remember. I don’t remember much, only what I choose, and that’s where everything comes in. It helps me forget, if only for a little while. I could be carefree. Then Taylor came along, and I realized to be carefree is to be narcissistic. I had to change for her. If only she could see I’m changing; she’s changing me.
With my fist balled at my side, I take a minute to think it through. I’m not ready to tell her everything, not yet. I don’t know that I’ll ever be.
“I couldn’t just snap my damn fingers to get rid of the addiction! Do you think it’s just for fun? Are you like
everyone else? They see this guy snorting a line or getting shit faced every night because I think it’s fun! Do you know what I see when I’m not using?”
“What?” She ask, her temper has subsided.
“You know what? Just go. Everyone’s grindin’ my fuckin’ nerves today,” I say, throwing my hands up. I fall off balance, and use the wall as support.
She stand still with her hand on the door, ready to push it open. She waits for me to say anything, but I don’t. We just stand there, staring at each other. Her with wide eyes, me with a beating heart that’s about to pop out of my chest.
“We’re both drunk. I don’t wanna say anything I don’t mean. Just go,” I say.
“I think you already have.”
Without thinking, I sling the bottle against the opposite wall. It crashes, sending shards of glass mixed with whiskey trailing down the balcony.
I watch as she walks through the glass door and closes it, leaving me alone. She catches my sight one last time. Her green eyes shine as the light catches them. I curse under my breath, hoping it’s just the alcohol glossing her eyes. The last thing I need is to make her cry again.
I prove to her almost every day she’s around me, I’m no better than her dad. I have to tell her everything. I have to make her understand before she leaves me without looking back.
I’ll be the next Joseph. I’ll be hoping I can change her mind at dinner only to have her go back home to some douche that doesn’t deserve her. I may not always deserve her, but I love her more than anyone. I always will.
I kick the shards of glass to the side as I walk in. All the lights are off. I open the door, finding Taylor lying in bed. Her bathroom lights glow on her face, showing her half-opened eyes. I walk over and sit at the edge of bed, inches away from her.
“Hayze?” She asked, confused. She’s half asleep and half drunk; that’s the only reason I’m about tell her about the past.
“It’s me,” I answer, sighing, “I’m a shitty person and an even shittier boyfriend.”
I grit my teeth when I say that, but she doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure if she’s awake at this point. She would’ve objected to that.
“I think everyone goes through certain things that mold them. Mine just all happen to suck. That’s no excuse for putting you through what I have. I would like to say it’ll never happen again, but I can’t. I’ll fuck up, a lot, and I don’t know if I can ask you with a clear conscience to stay with me, but I want you to.”
“I wish I could show you who I used to be and how far I’ve come. I wish you could see I’m capable of change. I’ll only keep getting better, I may hit a few bumps in the road, but I’ll get through it. And I want to get through it with you.”
She rolls over and ends up lying by my leg. She doesn’t move again. Part of me wants to ask if she’s awake, but I know I’ll lose courage to talk if she does respond.
“I had everything growing up. A mom that stayed home with me, and a decent father. He was in trouble a lot…But nothing like how he is now. I didn’t see him a lot growing because he was always working. He had a business that required him to be gone most of the time. I was okay with that, especially when I got to middle school. I was the cool guy. I had everything other kids dreamed about.”
“The summer I was going into high school, my parents divorced. It was quiet. He didn’t fight for anything; he gave it all to her. Being the person that she is, she opened a trust fund for me, and moved all our belongings to my name. I thought that was cool at first, until she told me why. She didn’t want anything on her conscious. She knew she’d be partial to me, so she gave me the chance to help who I wanted to help.”
“I didn’t find out what that meant until my first weekend at my dad’s new place. We pulled up to this dump at a trailer park. My mom waited until I went in and told me to call her if I wanted to leave. Some blonde headed girl opened the door and told me she was my sister. I pushed her out of the way, found my dad sitting on a ratty couch, and confronted him. He told me everything. I found out the life I’d grown accustomed to was because of drugs. He made and sold them. Then he started doing it and couldn’t get off. He had two other families, that was the day I found out I had a sister and two brothers.”
“I mouthed off. That was the first time he hit me. I never told my mom, it happened over and over. She finally found out what was going on, but it was too late. I was doing shit with him by that point. It started out fun with my friends, but then I started it with my dad and it became more. I needed it.”
“We always fought, but when he did that to Chance it changed everything for me. I slacked off everything, started getting my shit together, but I still did it. I still had problems. A year later, you walked in the bar and you changed me.”
“One day I’ll tell you everything, but not now. Sleep, Baby.”
I push the brown hair from her face and place a kiss on her forehead. Her eyes are closed, it’s unlikely she heard me, but I feel like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I walk in my room just as my phone lights with a text.
He wants that money.
Not my problem, I replied.
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER TEN
Taylor
After class the next day I go to the library for privacy. I drop my backpack in the dusty corner and chose a computer away from other students. I log on the dated monitor, waiting for it to come to life. I had been waiting for the perfect time. It should be somewhat simple and painless, but now I stare at the computer, debating my decision.
I’ve put too much into this to back out now. I fill in the blanks, seeing that they haven’t come to a decision, I close out of the applications just as a hand touched my shoulder. I turn, finding Lea behind me.
“Are you lost? You do know this is the library, right?” I ask, hoping she didn’t see what I just did.
“I saw you through the window. I was actually headed to grab some food. Wanna join?” She asks, pointing behind her. Her bleached hair is pinned back, showing off her face. She isn’t wearing make-up, and she looks just as beautiful as a tone down version of herself.
I look at the screen one last time, neurotically covering my trails before grabbing my backpack.
“Sure,” I say as I toss my floral bag in place, securing the strap on my shoulder, while Lea leads the way.
“Is the dining hall fine?” She asks as she hold the door open, leaving me no choice but to say yes. I nod and walk toward the sparse diner line.
“I haven’t been in here in a while,” I say, crinkling my nose at the food. I’d be lying if I said I missed eating in here every meal. This is just one of the many perks of living off campus.
“What will it be, Sweet Pea?” The lady behind the counter asks me.
I search the food in front of me. Not finding anything appealing, I pointed to the mystery dish in front of me with a side of fries. She smiles as she scoops the sloshy meat on my plate and sends it down the line to the cashier. I want to gag, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
I grab my wristlet from my backpack and pay. I find a seat away from everyone else, and set my tray down, waving Lea over. I can’t kick the nagging questions of my dream last night. The constant throb of my head reminds me I drank too much last night, but I can’t help but wonder if part of it was true.
Lea sits in front of me with burgers and fries piled high on her plate. She rips the ketchup package with her teeth, and dresses the burger to her satisfaction. She looks at my tray, grimacing.
“What did you get?” She asks, her face screwed into horror.
I poked the lump with my fork, unsure of how to answer her question. “Meatloaf? Possibly?”
She laughs, shaking her head as she takes her first bite. “How’s life with Hayze?”
“That sounds like a bad reality show,” I say.
“As it should,” she says, dipping her fries in ketchup. I sit, wondering how to bring up so many questions without overwhelming her or
triggering bad memories.
“So, I went out with Joseph last night.”
She raises her eyebrow, but doesn’t tease me like I suspected. “I remember. How’d that go?”
“Kinda weird actually.”
“Well, what did you expect? You went out with your ex from high school?” She teases me.
I shrug, “I don’t know, a normal evening.”
“Did he like preach to you or something?”
I laughed, “No, nothing like that. I just didn’t realize he had some…unresolved feelings.”
She nods knowingly. “Ah, I see.”
“When I got back, Hayze was completely drunk...”
She rolls her eyes, bored with the conversation. “So, you spent the evening fighting?”
“Not exactly. I sort of drank with him,” I answer and she looks at me strangely. “I know, after I made a huge deal about not drinking! We talked a lot.”
She dropped her fry, watching me intently. “You’re getting back together, aren’t you?”
I shake my head, amazed she thought that. “No, let’s not go into it.”
“I’m thinkin’ about finding another job. Is Mystic hiring?” She asks, changing the subject.
I shrug my shoulders. “Call up there Wednesday before we open.”
She nods in approval. “So, you know I’ve been hangin’ out with that guy from biology, right?”
“Yeah,” I say, lying. Each time I talk to Lea or any of my friends, I feel like a bad person. I don’t keep up with them. Even if they tell me things, I never remember.
“Get this! I was making out with him last night…”
I cover my ears, not comfortable hearing about her stories. “Lea!”
She waves her hands in front of me innocently, laughing. “I promise it’s not bad. So, anyways your brother called and asked me out,” she says, cringing. “Long story short, I left and hung out with Scott last night.”
I hummed, looking down at my food. “Thanks for sparing the details.”
“Oh my god, lighten up! We didn’t do anything. We aren’t like that, he’s just fun to hang out with,” she says, still laughing at my embarrassment.
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