The next day, I went to a flower shop and bought a bunch of roses. The old lady at the counter asked if they were for my girlfriend. I thought for a moment, smiling.
“Yes, they are,” I said.
At Sweat Zombies, the air inside was nice enough for me to take off my gas mask. I couldn't believe it. The other members were still exercising. How long had they been at it? When was the last time they went home? Did they even leave since the hole incident? The stink of body odor hung in the air. Everyone – must've been around fifty people that morning – was pale and ill-looking. A man with dark circles around his eyes, lifting weights, threw up pizza all over his feet, then went back to working out. He gave me a worried smile.
“I'm fine as rain. Honest!”
I jumped back and covered my nose. His breath smelled like a dead kitten stuffed with used socks. I squinted and leaned towards him, staring. He had things crawling out of his mouth. He noticed and giggled.
“Aww, shucks. Don't mind these ants in my mouth. They're cleaning my teeth. Honest!”
Nikki was on the treadmill, doing her job. I gave her the roses. She threw them to the ground.
“Get these things away from me, idiot! People outside have to think I'm single – that they have a chance with me if they sign up.”
She was right. I picked up the flowers.
“It'll never happen again. Gosh, Nikki, you're so smart.”
She snorted and spat blood onto the floor. I examined her.
“Are you feeling alright? You guys look sickly. Take a break.”
She waved me away and went, “Blahhh! The only thing that matters is exercise. Now go play some racquetball and leave me be. You have become irksome. Be gone!”
I put the roses next to a wall.
“I'll just put these here until you've got time to smell them. They're very expensive.”
She had her headphones on.
Pippy was on the racquetball court, running and jumping around, hitting the ball with rage – screaming with each swing. Intimidated, I walked in and closed the door behind me. She kept playing.
“I hope you're ready for me,” she said. “I'm been playing nonstop since yesterday.”
I was shocked.
“Nonstop? Damn. That's why you look like death.”
“But I feel so alive! So great! I'm a winner! Come on, boy, jump in. Let's play!”
She hit the ball at me. I screamed and hit it with blind luck. It bounced off the wall, and the game was on. The match lasted for an unusual thirty minutes. I lost and collapsed onto the floor. I had trouble breathing. Pippy kept playing.
“Loser!” she laughed. “I'm the best! I knew all this training would pay off! I'm the best! I'm the bessssssssssssssssssssssssss....”
She stopped jumping around and got quiet. I stood up.
“Pippy? Something wrong?”
She stared at the floor.
“My heart. It feels weird.”
“Jesus! Does your shoulder hurt? You may be having a heart attack. Sit down.”
She cried out in pain and gripped her chest. She fell into my arms. Yellow jelly shot out of her mouth. Her eyes turned white. She took my arms and pulled me close and snarled and came damn close to biting off my face. I pushed her away and ran for the door. She jumped on my back. I hit the ground and started crawling away. She ran shrieking toward me. The sound reminded me of an elephant falling off a building. She jumped in the air with her claws out. I snatched up my racquet and shoved it in her mouth right when she landed on me. I kicked her off. Pippy ran around the court, spinning around, trying to yank out the racquet. I bolted out of there screaming for help.
Out front had its own problems.
People fought with each other...much running around and banging into equipment and throwing around weights. Sweat Zombies was filled with screams. A naked musclewoman was over a dead man, eating his back. A fat man tackled a lady to the ground, pulled her scalp off, and shoved it into his mouth. Another man was on a bench, doing curls with someone's severed head. Behind him, a young fellow yanked out someone's ribcage and wore it as a hat. Many of these demented people were running on treadmills. The security guard was held up against a wall, waving around a barbell, warning a group of demented people to stay back. They rushed him and held him up and tore apart his limbs at one go. His face went splat against a mirror wall.
Seria yelled for me. She was being strangled by a demented person. I ran up and pulled the man away and threw him onto a bench. I dropped a barbell on his neck, taking off his head. Yellow jelly shot out. The head stopped rolling and gave an empty scream, teeth clicking. His body jumped off the bench and went for my throat. I yelled and staggered back.
“Stay back, devil!”
Seria grabbed a weight and smashed the head to mush. The body dropped its arms and fell over. Seria ran up and yelled in my face.
“Zombies! Those ghosts turned everyone into zombies!”
Nikki screamed as a zombie ran toward her. She grabbed its arm and judo-flipped him through the main window, onto a group of male douchebags. The zombie chased them away. A cop car ran him over. The police came with their helicopters and jets and tanks. The officers jumped out and ran around and waved their guns here and there like before. I took Nikki's hand – and the roses – and looked back for Seria. She was lying on the ground.
“Leave me. I want to die.”
Nikki ran to her.
“Mother, please!”
Seria hissed at her and kicked her away.
“I'm ruined! Everything I've worked for – gone! I can't live like a commoner! Go! Save yourself!”
A zombie ran over to eat her. I shoved the roses into its eyes. A gunshot, and the zombie's head blew up. I spun around and raised my hands at the cops.
“We're alive! ALIVE!”
They shot the place up. Heads exploded all around us. Nikki and I grabbed Seria's hands and dragged her away. She kicked and screeched.
“I can't survive like everyone else! I don't know how to work a register! Kill me now! Waaaaaaah!”
We hid in the racquetball court, killing Pippy. (I mean – the zombie formerly known as Pippy.) I ran to my gym bag and pulled out my phone and turned it on, going to a news site highlighting what was going on outside. The video played. I pumped up the volume. A reporter popped onto the screen, in the middle of cops.
“Cynthia Mootz, live outside Sweat Zombies – the fitness center that has captured the attention of the world – the fitness center filled with zombies. We're here with police lord Tom Womp.”
“Hello, Cynthia. Excited to be here.”
“Lord Womp, explain the situation.”
“It's grim. The building is filled with zombies. Everyone is dead. Well...walking dead. Ha ha ha!”
The reporter laughed, too.
“Quite. Lord Womp, what will happen to these zombies?”
“Protecting Honolulu – and our tourism industry – is our main priority. We will burn this damn devil building down.”
I screamed. “NO! You fiends! We're alive in here!”
I called the police. A women answered.
“Hello. Police.”
“We're alive in here!”
“Where's here?”
“Sweat Zombies.”
“Oh. I see. One moment please.”
“Of course.”
I heard papers moving around on the other line. She came back on the phone.
“Please proceed to the front of the building with your hands up and your eyes closed. An angel of the law will be with you.”
“Are you stupid? They'll shoot us!”
She sighed.
“Then stay where you are. You'll all be burned alive soon anyway. Damn zombies....How dare you threaten our fine city with your vile, greedy ways? I hope there's nothing left of you and your selfish kind. I spit on your bones!”
She hung up.
Nikki yelled out something unintelligent and spun around and around. Seria held on to her.<
br />
“Baby, calm down! Be normal!”
I knew what this was about.
“Get away from her!” I ran to Pippy and yanked my racquet out of her mouth, ripping out teeth and jaw muscle.
“Seria, get away! She's turned rotten!”
Seria wrapped her arms around Nikki.
“You won't hurt her! I won't let you!”
Nikki's eyes turned white. She vomited her sick, steaming mess all over Seria who let go and ran off, rubbing her arms clean and complaining.
“It burns! It burnsssss!”
I hit Nikki over the head with my racquet until the hair came away and I saw brain. I just stood there, trying to breathe, my chest going up and down.
“We did it. We're gonna be okay. Praise Jesus....”
Seria ran at me, hands out ready to strangle.
“YOU KILLED MY DAUGHTER! AHHHHHHHH!”
I whacked her in the face, knocking her out. She landed on her ass, sitting with her head slumped chin to chest, hands palm up, blood dribbling from her nose, landing on her crotch. I paced around.
“Stupid cow! How dare you attack me? I tried to save you. We're all animals now. We're all animals!”
A boom outside shook the whole place. I spread my legs out and steadied myself.
“Shit! They're gonna burn the place and kill us!”
I dropped the racquet, got on my knees, and prayed.
“God, please, save us. I promise to never spend all my mental power on a woman ever again. I promise to live right. I promise to live life right and full and go to church every Sunday and be merry. Please!”
Another boom; another earthquake. Much smoke filled the building. I ran to the door and closed it before the smoke got in. I pressed my face against the glass wall. Figures moved around out there in all that dark mess.
Pirates.
Pirates slaying zombies.
One of them was smiling and encouraging the whole time he killed.
“Come on, men! Do your best! Never give up! This is no different than the time we fought Capt. Grapop and his army of Nubian mummies!”
He had gold teeth. It was Capt. Gold Mouth – in the flesh – slicing off zombie heads and kicking them like footballs. He ran up to me and tapped on the glass.
“Greetings, my good man. If you don't mind, I am here to rescue you.”
I opened the door.
“We're saved!”
He ran to Seria and embraced her.
“My love! I heard what was happening via televised news. I have returned....”
She stirred awake.
“Gold Mouth....Is it really you?”
“Yes, my love. Where's Nikki? Where's our daughter?”
Seria looked at Nikki's dead body, then to me, then to Capt. Gold Mouth.
Seria cried in his arms.
“They got her! Jesus, Gold Mouth, they ate her up! God!”
She lost her mind. She wept like her legs were being sawed off. The captain hugged her and looked at me. Determination crossed him.
“Let's get out of here.”
He tossed me his extra curved pirate sword. We joined his crew and massacred zombies as we made for the front door. Outside the fitness center, the cops had their hands full with zombies and pirates. The captain's ship – floating in the air by a large balloon – fired its cannons and blew up tanks and helicopters. A cannonball hit a cop. I covered my face from the splash of blood and meat. Ropes fell in front of us. We grabbed on and were pulled up onto the airship. Cops shot at us as we floated away. The zombies jumped on them and made their bellies full.
I saw Lord Womp, surrounded by piles of dead bodies, throw his empty gun at us and hop around with a passion, shouting profanities at us. When we reached the ocean, the captain gave the order, and the ship detached from the giant balloon.
We splashed onto the water and sailed off into the sunset.
PART THREE
A Pirate's Life For Me
We lived on the sea with Capt. Gold Mouth for a year, joining him on many adventures. He married Seria on the ship. I watched the ceremony from far away, scrubbing the floors. That was my job – cleaning – and I wasn't complaining. The captain paid me in booze. It was ironic, because a lot of the time I was mopping up my own drunk-vomit.
Capt. Gold Mouth prepared us for a great raid. We were going to land on an island called Vagar. He said it was filled with zombies, but if we could just slice and dice through, we'd be treated to all the gold we could carry. We agreed to do it. Capt. Gold Mouth was skeptical that I could manage. I told him not to worry – that I did just fine back at Sweat Zombies. He gave in and let me come along. Once we got on shore, all shit got loose. The walking dead were all over us – running out of the woods, falling from the trees, goddamn popping up from the sand like Jack in the Boxes. There were too many of them.
I'm ashamed to say I panicked and ran into the ocean, toward the ship, tripping and swallowing water as I went. I looked behind me and saw our captain biting off zombie hands and feet and faces with his gold teeth. It was amazing. I went back to make up for my cowardice, but it was all over. Three people died. We got all the treasure we could and got out of there before rivaling ships stopped us. The captain never again let me come along on missions. People died because of me – because of my mental weakness. Depression set in. Hidden deep in the ship, I'd drink a variety of wine coolers and stuff my black hole with a plethora of meats.
Over the months, I started gaining massive weight. The crew hated me. They saw me as a morbidly obese coward, not fit to even be a janitor on a pirate ship. They complained to the captain that I was eating all their food and slowing the ship down. It was true. I had let myself go to the point of ridiculousness. My clothes got too tight, so I had to start wearing giant sacks. Sometimes when I walked around mopping the floors, my feet would fall through the boards. It was embarrassing. And still, I ate. I loved the taste of food and drink. I gave myself to them – to my lovers.
All those days at the fitness center...for nothing.
I'd go to sleep at night, worried. Was I worthless? Was the crew devising a plan to get rid of me? What was Capt. Gold Mouth planning to do with me? What was next? Was my mind playing tricks on me? Should I do everyone a favor and kill myself? Should I drink myself to death?
Maybe I should stop going to bed drunk.
The Demon was getting to me.
Near the end of the year, Capt. Gold Mouth made another mission announcement. We were heading for Warui Island, in Japan. Legend had it that in the heart of the mountains was a giant skull of a Tyrannosaurus rex. Inside it was a giant diamond. If we could get through the Asian natives, it was ours. Did we want to go? Everyone raised their swords into the air and cheered. I did, too. Everyone looked at me and scowled. I put my arms down and looked sad.
We sailed away....
Right when the island was in sight, a ship started shooting its cannons at us. Wood exploded all around me. Bodies were shredded by splinters. My ears rung. Our captain ran around and shouted at us to do this and do that. Seria wanted to know who was firing on us. He said it was Lady Rino Watashi, the Japanese killer of foreigners. Her ship rammed into ours, breaking us in two. Rino's crew of wailing, all-girl pirates dressed like lawyers waved around their swords and jumped us. They were experts in slaughtering foreigners.
I jumped into the ocean and watched as the ships – all at once – fired their cannons. Everything blew up in an amazing display of smoke and fireworks and bodies and treasure. I ducked and swam down to protect myself from the debris. I headed for the island. A shark came at me like a torpedo. Remembering what I saw on a documentary once, I punched the shark in the face. It hovered there for a second, shook the cobwebs out of its head, then shrugged and swam away.
I lived on that shore for two days, eating raw fish and sleeping on the sand. One night, I heard a crash in the woods. I investigated, spear in hand. I saw a native child caught under a coconut tree. She looked like a young Elaine....At first s
he was afraid of my amazing bulk, but she calmed down when it was clear that I was gonna help her. I reached under the tree and did all I could to lift it off. Natives ran in screaming and blew darts at my arms. I didn't care. My only concern was freeing her. She spoke in Japanese to her friends to stop screwing around. They apologized and joined in and helped me. Together, we got that tree off of her.
Carrying her on my shoulder back to their village, I became a hero. They sucked the poison out of my arms and put a crown onto my head. I learned to live with them. At first, I communicated by pointing at things and grunting. Eventually, I learned a few basic words. To earn my keep, I gave people massages. I guess all those years typing gave me expert fingers. The natives were always very grateful and kept putting food into my mouth. Then things got bad....
One time, I was on a hunt with some of the boys. We saw a cow. Wanting to show off my skills, I decided to kill it by myself. I crept through some bushes and raised my spear. I stepped on a branch. The cow looked up at me. What I saw shattered my brain. It was a bewildered Elaine with a cow's body. I screamed like a girl and ran through the woods. At the village, even the chickens had her face. I ran around the place confused. I saw Elaine everywhere. Everyone from the very old to the very young had her adult face. It was disturbing. The local witchdoctor with the disgusting bone through his nose tried explaining it to me, but I didn't understand 100%.
All I got was, “Poison...arms...death...home.”
I nodded.
“Domo arigato.”
But if I had to guess, I'd say they weren't able to get all the poison out of my system. The stuff worked its magic....My brain rotted. The sickness had me, and I started throwing up weird worms that would chase after me. My eyesight failed. My legs got weak. My skin turned green. My tongue was black. All my teeth fell out, and I think I even swallowed some. Each day, I was losing an amazing amount of weight, and yet, I kept eating every chicken and cow in sight – raw. After a year, I was a walking skeleton wrapped in skin. I had a long, gray beard that covered my nude bits. People were afraid of me. Called me a zombie. They'd point and scream, “Kyonshi!” and run away. Eventually, the entire village relocated to the other side of the island. I was alone – just me on a log, staring into a fire. And then I heard her.
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