“Probably how they’re going to hunt down your ex,” Scarlet replied as she nursed baby Tatum.
I bit my lip and nodded. I’d assumed as much.
“Cal must be so pissed,” Sophie muttered.
“He’s not thrilled,” I replied dryly. “He’s doing a good job of keeping a handle on it though. He’s been great.”
“Great, huh?” Connie giggled, wagging her eyebrows suggestively.
“Wow, you guys lasted all of five minutes without any sexual innuendo. I think it’s a new record,” I replied sarcastically.
Laughter erupted around the table.
“He’s taking things slow with me,” I added, serious now. “Maybe a bit too slow,” I complained. After that scorching kiss, I was hungry for more.
“Well, you might have to make the first move, babe,” Piper suggested. “After everything you’ve been through, I’m sure he’s just being cautious. You might have to set the pace.”
I hadn’t thought of that. I’d never made the first move before. The prospect was daunting, but I was revved up enough to go for it.
Maybe.
“How’s your dad doing?” I asked Piper. After her mother had died, Piper’s dad had struggled with depression, to the point where he’d tried to take his own life.
“He’s good.” She smiled. “He’s liking San Diego, though he and my auntie Caroline might kill each other soon.”
I laughed. “My sister and I certainly came close a few times. And that was as kids.” My thoughts drifted to Janelle. She hadn’t returned my last few phone calls and I was getting increasingly worried about her and the kids.
I hoped everything was okay. Despite the situation with Tim, if I didn’t hear from her soon I was going to New Mexico. My mother’s intuition was nagging at me to check on them.
“How’s wedding planning going?” I asked her, forcing my thoughts back to my friend. She and Ry had recently become engaged.
“Good. We’re keeping it low-key. Ry has a lot of house projects he wants to get to first.” She rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “That man is only happy with a hammer in his hands, I swear.”
That sounded about right.
My gaze swung to Connie. “How’s Wes handling impending fatherhood of a baby girl?” I grinned.
Connie had texted us all the news after her doctor’s appointment, along with a photo of Wes looking mildly terrified.
She laughed. “He’ll be fine. It’s me that should be worried! My poor girl isn’t going to be let out of the house until she’s thirty!”
“She and Gracie can play together,” I teased as Mason whined. Apparently my time was up. I pulled him out of the Pack ’n Play, setting him on his feet against my chair.
“He’ll be running before you know it.” Sophie smiled, watching Mason.
“I know,” I agreed with a grin. “Mad’s not far behind,” I added, gesturing to Maddox who was in a similar position against her chair.
“It’s amazing they’re so close in age and that you guys just happened to live next door to each other in Texas,” Ettie mused.
It was amazing. Sophie had appeared in my life when I’d needed her most. Trapped in an abusive relationship with a new baby, I’d been something beyond lonely. Sophie had moved in, ready to pop with Maddox.
Though I’d only shared how terrible my relationship was with her recently, she’d been the closest friend I’d ever had. She’d also been my ticket out of that life, offering me a place to stay and the support I needed to start over.
I’d never look back.
Never.
I looked to Sophie with a warm smile. “Life has a way of working out sometimes.”
She winked in response.
****
It was midafternoon by the time Cal emerged, immediately picking up Mason and ushering us to his SUV.
I tried to get a read on his mood. He seemed distracted, his jaw clenched as he gripped the wheel. I left him to his thoughts, content to gaze out the window as we headed back to his place.
“I’ll get Mason down for a nap,” I murmured when we reached his house. I sensed he needed some time alone after whatever they’d been meeting about. Mason went down without complaint, tired from an exciting morning playing with his friends.
I went into my room, wanting to lie down for a few minutes. I’d only closed my eyes for a moment when I sensed him.
I opened my eyes, turning to watch his progress as he entered the room. “What are you doin’ in here?” he asked, standing by the side of the bed and peering down at me.
“This is my room,” I replied, confused by his questions.
I squeaked in surprise as his arms moved under me and lifted me up. “What are you doing?”
“This isn’t your room, not anymore,” he replied resolutely.
I took a quick internal check about how I felt about that. My body hummed in his arms, anticipation coiling tight in my lower belly.
Yep, I was all right with it.
“Okay,” I agreed breathlessly as he carried me into the master and deposited me gently on the bed. “Wait,” I said suddenly, grasping his forearm when he started to move away. “Are you okay?”
He looked down at me. “Yeah, babe. I’m okay. I’ll let you get some rest.”
Disappointment and determination flooded through me in equal measure as it became clear that I was in fact going to have to make the first move.
Chapter 19
I was staring up at the stars when the familiar slide of the door sounded behind me later that night.
Cal.
After putting Mason to bed I’d slipped outside. It didn’t feel like a night where sleep would come easily.
He sat down quietly beside me, taking my hand.
I’d been pondering those skeletons of mine, wondering where I started the process of letting them out—of letting them go.
The beginning was as good a place as any.
“Janelle and I—we didn’t have the best childhood,” I murmured, my gaze still turned to the stars. I felt like I was free-falling off a cliff with those simple words. “We lived in a small town—a poor one. Our parents were addicts and unemployed. Things got pretty bad. Gran took us in. We didn’t have much, but she loved us,” I explained with vehemence. It was important to me that he knew that. It was important that I remembered it.
“A lot of women—they might end up with a man like Tim because of their childhoods. Maybe because they were poor and didn’t have opportunity. That wasn’t the case for me.” I shook my head firmly. “I worked my ass off in school. I wanted to get the hell out of there. I wanted to make something of myself. When I graduated high school, I got the hell out of there. I loved my Gran and I love my sister, but they had their heels dug in. That life—it wasn’t for me. I wanted more.”
His hand flexed around mine, the only sign that he was listening. Other than that, he was quiet.
“I moved to Texas—Austin at first, for their nursing program.” I turned to him. “The biggest irony? I don’t even like the heat.” I snorted. “New Mexico, to Texas, to Nevada.” I shook my head with a self-deprecating smile.
He offered a grim smile in return. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop. The churn in my belly knew I was too.
My gaze returned to the sky. “I didn’t meet Tim until I was twenty-nine. I’d been a nurse for several years by then. I’d kind of given up on the whole idea of romance. It was difficult to date when I was just starting out, and it wasn’t really on my radar. It was like I woke up one day and I was almost thirty. I wanted a family. Where had the time gone?” I marveled to myself. “I was used to being independent and on my own, but I felt like something was missing.”
My heart lurched, thinking if I’d only met Cal during that time. How would my life have turned out? But then I wouldn’t have Mason. I’d do it all again a million times over to have Mason.
“He was down in Austin for work the first time we met. He asked me out to dinner and I figured, why no
t? He was charming.” I shrugged. “After that he started coming down from Dallas more and more. It felt easy. There were never fireworks, but I think… I think I was just lonely,” I admitted with a hard swallow. It wasn’t an easy thing to admit.
I received another firm reassuring squeeze of my hand.
“After a few months I agreed to move to Dallas. I found a job there.” I turned to look at Cal. “I married him, but looking back I wasn’t ever in love with him. I kept thinking it would come and in the meantime we’d build a life together. I was a grown, educated woman, but I was so foolish,” I lamented. “So naive.”
“Baby.” His gravelly voice was patient and low. “You said you didn’t marry a man like Tim because of your childhood. I’m sure that’s true in terms of your drive and your independence. You didn’t let your situation hold you back from making a different kind of future. But you can’t look past that you had no example of what love looks like.”
Shit, he was right. I’d never even thought of it that way. I was so hell-bent on not comparing myself to my parents that I’d been blind to it.
For a moment I was too shocked to continue, until I got another hand squeeze. “So you got married,” he pressed.
“I got married.” I nodded reluctantly. “Things were okay for a while. Then we started trying for a baby. I was having a hard time getting pregnant. He wasn’t happy about that,” I murmured, feeling Cal tense at my side. “As it turned out, I was incredibly lucky to get pregnant with Mason at all,” I added. “I have a lazy ovary and some other challenges.”
I assumed Cal didn’t want more children at this point, but it was still important to me that he knew I didn’t plan on having more children.
He squeezed my hand. “Then Mason’s special for more reasons than one.”
I offered a small smile in return. I couldn’t agree more.
Part of me felt relieved to be getting it all out, though I hadn’t gotten to the toughest part. The part I dreaded sharing with him. The part I was most ashamed of. It wasn’t the abuse. It was what I’d done about it—or hadn’t—that I still couldn’t get past, much less expect him to.
I soldiered on despite my reluctance. “It was small changes at first. He started paying the bills, controlling the money. I didn’t mind. I’ve always hated that stuff. Budgeting stresses me out,” I admitted before continuing. “He’d never been very affectionate—come to think of it, I wasn’t very affectionate with him, either. But any affection that had been there went away. Our relationship became far lonelier than being alone.” That dreaded lump grew in my throat, which was still slightly tender. I swallowed painfully. “I think—I think for all my efforts to look toward the future, I needed to look more at my present. So many times I’d catch myself thinking, how did I get here? What am I doing? And now those thoughts weigh so heavily on me.” I choked. “All that independence that I fought so hard for—that first time he hit me, I stayed,” I rasped. “I stayed.”
The silence stretched between us.
“It didn’t happen often—he was gone a lot—but it did happen. Even after I was pregnant.”
Cal clenched his jaw at that.
“For some reason, I couldn’t imagine a way out. It felt like I was in a glass cage. I could see the other side but I couldn’t get there.” I shook my head. “After Mason was born, I was more determined. I started saving some money—what little I could get, anyway. He’d started taking my paychecks.
“Sophie moving in next door was one of the best things that ever happened to me, next to Mason,” I marveled with a sigh. “She offered me friendship. She reminded me what it felt like not to be alone. I feel like… like I’ve been alone most of my life,” I admitted hoarsely. “When Axel came and got her, when she left, things got really bad with Tim. What bad means, I don’t want to get into. You can imagine based on the other day, and frankly I don’t want to relive it. Not now, not ever.” I shook my head firmly. “The minute I felt like Mason was in danger, that was it. That was the catalyst I needed. I came up to Hawthorne with next to nothing.” I turned to him, waiting until his eyes met mine. “The club got me on my feet. Made it possible for me to start again. I feel like I have a family. I’m so grateful.”
I wanted to be done but I wasn’t—not just yet.
“The girls all teased me about you for months. I wasn’t even sure if they were just blowing smoke but I wasn’t ready—not then. Not for you.”
“And now?” his deep voice rumbled.
“Now,” I began slowly, “I need you to understand that despite my stubbornness, despite how independent I’ve wanted to be—” I choked on a sob. “I’m not as strong as you think I am. I was so weak. I put Mason in a terrible situation! I didn’t know how to get out.” I was sobbing now.
He stood up and pulled me into his arms, sitting back down with me cradled in his lap. He wrapped his strong arms around me and held me tighter than I could ever recall being held. I was completely enveloped by him and I’d never felt so comforted, despite my inner turmoil.
“You know what I think?” I felt his words through the rumble in his chest.
I shook my head.
“I think you’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met.”
I looked up at him in teary-eyed, wary shock.
He stroked a finger down my temple, caressing my lower lip. “From what I just heard, you grew up with next to nothing, fought like hell to get out of a town that, if I’m right, most don’t ever see in their rearview mirror. You started over in a new city, put yourself through school. You went through a pregnancy and raised an infant alone with an abusive bastard of a husband. You started over for a third time here and within weeks were someone that the entire club would take a bullet for.”
I watched him in cautious disbelief.
“But you know what blows me away more than any of that? Your capacity to care about and love everyone else around you. You’re the most giving, nurturing woman I’ve ever met. How’d you end up that way?” His hands moved to grip my upper arms in a gentle squeeze. “How, after all that hurt, do you still give so freely? Sure, you hold yourself back. You don’t share much and you certainly don’t want to take anything even when it’s offered willingly. But Jill—your capacity to give. It’s fucking beautiful.”
I watched him silently with wide eyes, the tears cascading down my cheeks.
His hands gently wiped them away. “Too many for me to catch, darlin’.” He offered a sad smile. “Don’t you see what a fucking survivor you are? That’s what I thought before. After what you just told me? I’m convinced.”
I couldn’t seem to formulate a word, much less a proper sentence in reply. Instead I leaned in and wrapped my arms around him, pulling myself as close as I could to his heat. He held me for an indeterminable amount of time as his words began to sink in. It would take time.
But maybe, just maybe, some of them would take root and begin to bloom.
After holding me for a long time, Cal gently sent me off to bed. Our bed, he clarified firmly.
I knew he needed time to absorb what I’d told him.
Frankly, I needed some time myself. I’d never shared that much about myself with another person, not even Sophie. I was surprised by how good it felt, not just getting it off my chest but knowing that he wanted to know me. The real me. The good and the bad.
I drifted off to sleep surprisingly peacefully. Those skeletons were alive and well but they’d now seen daylight. There was some peace to be had in that.
****
I awoke on a gasp as I became aware that a very naked, very aroused Cal was lying over me. I was on my belly and the feel of him pressed into me from behind was one of the most erotic sensations I’d ever experienced.
The faintest light creeping into the room told me it was barely dawn.
His teeth nipped at my earlobe, sending a jolt of lust down my spine. “I feel like I’m going to fucking die if I’m not inside you soon,” he growled, pressing his hard length in betwe
en my legs.
He flipped me over and without delay took my mouth in an all-consuming kiss. His tongue caressed mine in an unforgiving onslaught of seduction as his hips pressed between my legs.
I wanted to exclaim my triumph that this was finally happening, but I was too busy kissing the most delicious mouth I’d ever tasted.
He pulled back to rip off my sleep tank, tearing it in the process.
His mouth zeroed in on my nipples, which were hardened to the point of pain. His head bent to take one in his mouth. I clasped the back of his head, pulling him closer, and let out a quiet moan as his teeth nipped and his tongue caressed.
I’d never been so turned on in my life.
His mouth continued its exploration, moving down my belly to the waistband of my shorts. In a flash those were gone too—I didn’t have the presence of mind to check if they’d met the same fate as my tank.
He settled between my legs. I blushed a deep crimson at the deep inhale he took. “You smell so fucking good.” He groaned before he took a long, leisurely lick. “Gimme one, babe. One before I give it to you. I need to watch you fall apart.”
His words had me on the brink already.
He feasted on me like a man starved. It was as though he couldn’t get enough. Within seconds he had me calling out his name.
He rose back up over me, his eyes dark with a hunger that maybe should have scared me. A few months ago it would have. Now… now it made me absolutely ravenous.
“Christ, babe. You are so fucking hot,” he growled. “I feel like I’ve waited for this for years. I’ll try to go easy but….” A frisson of worry shone in his gaze.
I shook my head. “Take me how you need me. It’s what I need too,” I replied breathlessly.
His gaze darkened further as he guided himself inside me. His big body shuddered and I watched in awe as he lost control.
His initially restrained movement became a hard thrust as he filled me completely. Everything went wild after that, as a part of me I’d never known became unleashed.
My nails found purchase in his back, my teeth in his shoulder. I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him closer, wanting it as hard as he could give it to me.
Cal (The Ride Series Book 5) Page 11
