by Dan Gutman
Now that Andrea had kissed me, going back to school was out of the question. I could never show my face there again. Ryan and Michael would never let me hear the end of it.
That’s when I got a genius idea. I could get plastic surgery! My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that some lady in France got a face transplant. The doctors just took somebody else’s face and put it on her head. Cool! I could do that. I could get a new face and go back to school. Nobody would know it was me.
But getting a face transplant sounded disgusting. And my parents probably wouldn’t get me one anyway. They wouldn’t even get me a new Striker Smith action figure to replace the one Ryan threw out the bus window. No way were they going to get me a new face.
Now that Andrea had kissed me, I had no other choice. I had to move to Antarctica, where no human being would ever see me again. I would live with the penguins. Penguins are cool, and they wouldn’t care that Andrea kissed me.
“Can you drive me to Antarctica?” I asked my mother after school. “I need to go live with the penguins for the rest of my life.”
“Sure,” she replied, “but first we have to go to the pet store.”
Oh, I completely forgot! We were all out of fish food! My chore at home is to take care of our fish. Mom had told me first thing in the morning that after school we were going to the pet store to get fish food.
Mom says I have to do chores like feeding our fish because doing chores makes you a responsible person. That makes no sense at all. I’m already a responsible person. Any time something goes wrong, everybody says I’m responsible.
So we drove to the pet store. They have all kinds of animal stuff there. They even have Christmas presents for pets. People actually give gifts to their dogs!
Dog owners are weird.
You have to be real careful with fish. You have to feed them, clean their tank, and make sure the filter is working. I found the fish food and got in line with my mom to pay for it. There was a little sign in front of the cash register that said:
DID YOU FORGET ANYTHING?
Hmm, did I forget anything? That’s when I suddenly remembered what I forgot. I forgot all about the Secret Santa present I was supposed to get for Emily! We had to bring them in tomorrow!
Oh, man! If I didn’t bring in a Secret Santa present for Emily, I wouldn’t get a present from my Secret Santa! And I love getting presents. I had to go back to school. If I went to Antarctica, I wouldn’t get my Secret Santa present.
“Mom,” I asked, “can you drive me to the mall after this?”
“I thought you wanted me to drive you to Antarctica.”
“I changed my mind,” I said. “I need to go to a smelly perfume store to get a Secret Santa present for Emily.”
Mom was really mad. The stores are all crowded before Christmas, and the traffic is really bad. She said she didn’t have time to take me to the smelly perfume store.
That’s when I got another one of my genius ideas. I could get Emily a present right there at the pet store! They sell goldfish for just ten cents. I could get Emily a couple of goldfish. They would make a way cooler present than smelly perfume! And I wouldn’t have to waste a lot of my money buying smelly perfume for that crybaby Emily, who I don’t even like. The lady behind the counter even said she’d put the goldfish in a plastic bag filled with water and wrap it up in a box.
Haha! I’m a genius! That’s why I’m in the gifted and talented program.
11
The Arrival of Secret Santa
I was nervous about going to school the next morning. I wanted to get my Secret Santa present, but I didn’t want the guys to make fun of me for getting kissed by Andrea. I decided to stay away from her, no matter what.
I put my backpack in my cubby. Ryan and Michael didn’t even mention anything about me kissing Andrea. I guess they forgot about it.
After we pledged the allegiance, everybody got all excited because it was time to open our Secret Santa presents.
Ryan got a jigsaw puzzle from his Secret Santa. Michael got Legos from his Secret Santa. Neil the nude kid got a model plane from his Secret Santa. I kept waiting for my turn.
“Who is A.J.’s Secret Santa?” Miss Daisy finally asked.
“I am!”
It was Andrea! Oh man! If I had known that Andrea was my Secret Santa, I would have moved to Antarctica.
“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. got a present from Andrea. She kissed him too. They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
I told them to shut up. Andrea gave me the present. I tore off the wrapping paper and the dumb bow (which serves no purpose anyway). Then I opened the box. And do you know what was inside?
I’m not going to tell you.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.
It was a hat.
A hat! Who gets a kid a hat? A hat isn’t a present. A hat is clothes. It was horrible. Not only that, but it looked just like the dumb hat Andrea wears all the time.
“I knitted it myself,” Andrea said, “in my knitting class.”
“How wonderful, Andrea!” said Miss Daisy. “A homemade present is so much nicer than something you buy in a store. A.J., what do you say to Andrea?”
No way was I going to wear a hat that looked just like Andrea’s dumb hat. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.
“I hate hats,” I said.
“You’re mean!” Andrea said.
Miss Daisy made me apologize to Andrea, so I told her I was sorry she made me a dumb hat.
“Who is Emily’s Secret Santa?” asked Miss Daisy.
“I am,” I said.
I took out the present and gave it to Emily. I was so excited because my present was way cooler than all the others. She opened it up.
“What is it?” everybody asked.
Emily pulled the plastic bag out of the box and started crying.
“It’s a dead fish!” she sobbed. “I can’t believe you got me a dead fish for Christmas, A.J.!”
“It wasn’t dead when I got it!” I said. “And there were two of them. Where’s the other one?”
“They must have eaten each other,” said Ryan. “Stuff like that happens all the time with fish, you know.”
“Man, that’s twenty cents I wasted,” I said.
“This is going to be a terrible Christmas,” Emily cried as she went running out of the room, “and A.J. is responsible!”
See? I told you I was responsible.
12
The Big Holiday Pageant
Finally the day of the big holiday pageant arrived. Everybody came to school in their costumes. Miss Holly wore a Santa suit. Me and Ryan and Michael wore black jackets and had our hair greased up so we looked like Elvis. It was cool.
We peeked through the curtains from backstage. The all-purpose room was packed with parents. A bunch of them were setting up video cameras to record the show.
“Guess what?” Miss Holly said. “Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education, is here! He’s sitting in the front row! Let’s put on a great show for him.”
The stage was decorated with big candy canes, snowmen, fake snow, and a giant reindeer. It looked great. Miss Holly nodded to me and Ryan and Michael. We pulled a long rope to open the curtain.
The show started out with one of the fifth-grade classes telling the story of Christmas. After that me and Michael and Ryan sang “Hound Dog.” Everybody went crazy! After that one of the fourth-grade classes told the story of Kwanzaa. After that we sang “Winter Wonderland.” After that one of the third-grade classes told the story of Hanukkah. After that Emily sang “The Dreidel Song.”
“Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay….”
Me and Michael and Ryan were taking turns working the spotlight, and it was my turn. I shone the light on Emily while she sang and spun around.
“The light is too high, A.J.,” Ryan said. “You’re shining it in her eyes.”<
br />
“I am not,” I said.
“Are too,” he said.
We went back and forth like that for a while, but we didn’t get the chance to finish the argument, because the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
While Emily was singing and spinning around, she must have slipped on some fake snow or something because she fell off the stage! You should have been there! When Emily was falling, she tried to grab hold of the giant reindeer. But it wasn’t nailed down or anything, and the two of them fell into the front row and landed on Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education! It was a real Kodak moment.
People were screaming. Mrs. Cooney, the nurse, ran over to make sure Emily was okay. The reindeer’s head fell off, and some of the kindergarten kids started crying. It was hilarious. And we got to see it live and in person.
Miss Holly ran onto the stage and told the audience there would be a short intermission. Backstage, all the girls were upset. All the boys were laughing our heads off.
“This is the worst holiday pageant ever!” said Andrea. “And Arlo is responsible.”
“Me?” I asked. “What did I do?”
“It was your idea for Emily to spin around,” she said, “and you shined the spotlight in her eyes. That’s why she fell off the stage. Now everything is a big mess!”
“So is your face,” I told her.
Miss Holly said we should both calm down. She said the show was still great, and that we should get ready for the big finale. All the kids in the school were going to gather on the stage and sing “Jingle Bells” while Santa’s Elvises (that’s us) lowered Mr. Klutz and his sleigh full of presents down from the ceiling.
Everybody got into position. Mr. Klutz climbed into the sleigh in his Santa costume. Ryan pulled open the curtains. Me and Michael grabbed the ropes to lower the sleigh down from the ceiling. The parents started clapping.
“‘Jingle Bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…’”
Me and Michael pulled on the ropes. The only problem was, my rope was stuck.
“My rope is stuck!” I yelled over to Michael.
But he couldn’t hear me over the music. He kept pulling his rope.
“‘Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh—hey!’”
I looked up at the sleigh. The front of it was coming down, but the back part was stuck.
The sleigh was tilting forward. Mr. Klutz was going to fall!
I tried to get my rope loose, but it was still stuck. Michael kept lowering the front end of the sleigh. Mr. Klutz reached up and grabbed one of the poles on the ceiling.
“‘Jingle Bells, jingle bells, jingle all the—’”
The kids didn’t get the chance to finish their song because all the presents that were in the sleigh tumbled out and fell on their heads. Some of the parents started screaming. Mr. Klutz was hanging from the pole near the ceiling. I guess it was the North Pole. Hahaha! “Help! Help!” he yelled. Mr. Klutz’s Santa hat and fake beard fell off. The beard landed on some first grader’s head. She freaked out and threw it into the audience. It landed on some lady. She screamed and threw it off her like it was a dead animal. It landed on some other lady, and she screamed too. The parents were throwing the beard around the all-purpose room. The custodian, Miss Lazar, ran to get a ladder so she could rescue Mr. Klutz.
“Those Elvises ruined the show!” some kid shouted.
I looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Michael. Michael looked at me. We didn’t have to say anything. The three of us made a run for the exit in the back of the all-purpose room.
“It’s Arlo’s fault,” Andrea hollered. “He’s responsible!”
“The Elvises have left the building,” Michael yelled as we ran out the door.
“Hasta la vista, baby!” I yelled.
We ran out of there as fast as we could. I don’t know if we’ll ever go back.
Well, that’s what happened at our big holiday pageant. Maybe me and Ryan and Michael will have to go live in Antarctica for the rest of our lives. Maybe Miss Holly will go live in Spain. Maybe the video of Emily falling off the stage will be on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Maybe me and Ryan and Michael will be allowed to come back to school. Maybe we’ll have a better holiday pageant next year. Maybe Miss Lazar will be able to get Mr. Klutz down from the North Pole.
But it won’t be easy!
About the Author and the Illustrator
DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com
JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Copyright
MY WEIRD SCHOOL #14: MISS HOLLY IS TOO JOLLY!. Text copyright © 2006 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2006 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub © Edition DECEMBER 2008 ISBN: 9780061973345
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