I had lightened my body with a healthy diet and exercise. I had lightened my soul with yoga and meditation. But my emotions were still quite heavy. Even though I wanted to focus on the moment, they seemed to drag me right back into the past. The man I was dancing with seemed to notice.
The music died down.
He took my hand. “Did you enjoy it at all?”
“I did. Thank you.”
“Then why aren’t you smiling?”
“I have a lot on my mind.”
“Dancing is supposed to erase all of that.” He chuckled. “Maybe you should tell me what’s on your mind.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mind one dance, but you should know that I’m not interested in anything more than that.” I glanced helplessly in Stephanie’s direction. She was already dancing with someone else.
“Oh, me either. I just like to dance. But I still don’t mind listening.” He smiled.
I stared at him for a moment. I shared intimate details of my life on my blog on a regular basis, not to mention the amount of my own feelings that I put into my books. Would it really be so bad to get a man’s perspective on things?
“I don’t know. I guess I’m having a difficult time trusting my boyfriend.”
“Is he a cheater?”
“No, nothing like that. He’s a good man. I just find it hard to believe that he could really be in love with me.”
“Oh.” He nodded. “I know what your problem is.”
“You do?” My eyes widened. Even though I knew it was impossible, I wanted to believe that he would have the answer for me.
“Sure. You’ve spent too much time alone.”
“Huh? We’ve been together for a year.”
“But what about before that?” He tapped his heart lightly. “If the heart isn’t used to being open, to being vulnerable, it will fight tooth and nail to stay closed. If you’re used to being alone, you’re not used to being vulnerable.”
“Wow. I never thought of it that way.” I hadn’t been vulnerable. My heart hadn’t been in the hands of someone else.
“It’s okay. You just have to be patient with yourself. Some things can’t be forced or sped up, you know.”
“Thanks.” I smiled at him as he walked away.
I was feeling much better than I had before, but I didn’t agree with his last words. I wanted to speed it up. With all of my studies and introspective skills, I was sure I could master my issues with vulnerability in time for dessert with Max.
I found Stephanie on the dance floor.
“Do you mind if we go?”
“Sure.” She shrugged. She said goodbye to the man she was dancing with. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes. I just want a little time to sort some things out before Max comes over.”
“Oh, okay.” Stephanie smiled. “I’m glad you’re feeling better about that.”
I flashed back for a moment to how I felt when I thought Stephanie and Max were playing around behind my back. I’d felt so horrible. But here she was, being the best friend I could have, and supporting me. I knew that I had to keep my anxiety in check.
On the way home Stephanie told me about the men she had danced with.
“I think my biggest problem is that I’m not picky.” She laughed.
“Not at all?”
“Not really. As long as a guy has a great smile, I’m willing to give it a shot. I guess I try to see the potential in everyone. Even if it isn’t really there.”
“That’s hard. Because then you have so many to choose from.”
“The hard part is not being able to see their flaws. I should have seen them with my ex, but his good qualities seemed more important. That’s why I need to take a break from dating. I need to get things clear in my head.”
I frowned. I agreed with what she was saying, but I hoped that it didn’t hold true for me. Had I rushed into things with Max without getting things clear in my head? I tried not to think too much about it.
Chapter 17
I ran back and forth throughout my apartment gathering all the pieces to my plan. I set up candles on the coffee table. I put my favorite playlist on at just the right volume level. I made sure the kitchen was spotless and that wine glasses were conveniently within reach. I checked on the state of my bedroom to ensure that nothing embarrassing could be stumbled upon. I even dumped my bathroom trash. I made sure that the couch cushions were fluffed. Then I changed into my sexiest pajamas.
Okay, they weren’t really that sexy. They had a low-cut top, but only because the top was too big on me since losing some weight. The pants were silky and felt nice against my skin. I spent a little time making sure my hair looked mussed, but appealing. Once I was sure that I looked as good as I could for a dessert date, I headed back into the living room to wait.
It was hard to be still. I kept glancing at my phone to check the time and to check for texts. It was getting late. What if he’d forgotten all about our plans? Could I have been wrong about what might be happening tonight? It was obvious to me that Max and Stephanie had had a secret meeting. It had to be about me and it had to be about proposing. This had to be the night.
I closed my eyes and drew a deep breath. I wanted more than anything to be able to control my anxiety and emotions.
I was just about to text Max, to see if he was still coming, when there was a knock on the door. My heart jumped into my throat. This was it. This was the moment that I’d been waiting for. It didn’t matter to me any more that there was no photographer to take a picture of the special moment; I just wanted it to happen.
I lunged toward the door and caught my foot on the leg of one of the barstools at the breakfast bar. I tried to catch myself and succeeded in knocking the perfectly placed wine glasses right off the counter.
The crash must have alarmed Max, because he knocked louder.
“Sammy, are you okay?”
I looked at the shattered glass all over the floor. I was not okay. I’d tried to make everything perfect, and now everything was a mess.
“Just a second, Max!”
I grabbed the broom and dustpan. I tried to hurry to clean up the mess but finding the clear glass on the white tile floor was very difficult.
“Sammy, the ice cream is melting.”
I sighed and walked over to the door. I was covered in sweat from trying to hurry to clean up the mess. My sexy pajamas stuck to my skin. I opened the door and looked at Max.
“Hi.” I frowned.
“Hi.” He smiled at me.
“Come in. Just be careful, there’s glass on the floor.”
“Okay.” He nodded and glanced at the mess in the kitchen. “What happened?” He set the white paper bag that held our ice creams down on the breakfast bar.
“Oh, I slipped and knocked over the wine glasses.” I picked up the broom and dustpan again.
“Here, let me get it.” He took them from me. I protested, but he ignored me.
“Did you have fun with Stephanie?”
“Yes.”
He swept the last of the glass into the dustpan. Then he straightened up and looked into my eyes.
“Did you dance with anyone?”
I smiled a little at the question. “Yes.”
“Hm.” He tossed the glass into the trash and then put the dustpan and broom away. “I’m trying not to be jealous.”
“Oh, please, Max, you’re not jealous.” I rolled my eyes.
“No?” He slid his arms around my waist. I felt his fingertips glide along the silky material that covered my hips. “To think of some strange man with his hands on you…” He pulled me close. “It was driving me crazy.”
I kissed his cheek. “You’re just trying to make me feel good.”
“Nope. If I wanted to do that, I’d do this.” He kissed me with such passion that I stumbled back a step. Luckily he held me tight to keep me from falling. When he broke the kiss I laughed.
“Okay, maybe you were a little jealous.”
“I trust
you, Sammy. That doesn’t mean I have to like the idea of some other guy dancing with you, when it should have been me. Sorry I couldn’t join you tonight.”
“Oh, that’s okay. I know you were busy.” I bit my tongue to keep from blurting out what I suspected. “Let’s get to that ice cream before it melts.”
“Good idea.”
He carried the bag over to the living room.
“Oh, candles.” He winked. “Nice.”
“Thanks. I just thought tonight might be special.”
“Any night with you is special.” He sat down beside me and opened up the bag. He handed me my ice cream. I took the lid off carefully.
“You remembered the cherry. Thank you.”
“Of course. And I like the music.” He swayed a little. “Maybe we’ll get to dance after all.”
“Maybe.” I smiled.
I used the long plastic spoon that came with the ice cream to poke around through the chocolate sauce. I was sure that the ring had to be hidden somewhere inside. The more I moved the ice cream around, the more sure I became.
“Is there something wrong with it?” Max looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
“No, it’s fine.”
“Then why aren’t you eating it?”
“Oh, right.” I laughed and took a careful bite. I swirled the ice cream around to be sure there was nothing hidden in it before swallowing. “Yum.”
“Sammy, I wanted to talk to you about the other day. I mean, I know I said it was fine but—”
I braced myself. I knew that it would get to him eventually. He would see that I hadn’t trusted him and that it was a problem.
“I know, Max, I know.”
‘You do?” He looked at me with surprise.
“I mean I know why you’re upset.”
“You’re the one that should be upset.” He shook his head. “I never should have walked out. I should have stayed and we could have talked it through. It’s just, if I feel myself getting angry, I try to avoid it. I don’t like to get worked up.”
Chapter 18
I stared at Max in disbelief. I couldn’t believe that he was apologizing to me.
“Max, you did the right thing.”
“Did I?” He shook his head and took a bite of his ice cream. “When we’re married, I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m walking out on you.”
My heart fluttered at the mention of the “m” word. Was he telling me this to iron things out before I found the ring? I was so excited that I almost forgot to respond.
“Max, I love you. I shouldn’t have been so upset.”
“Hey, things are going to happen in our lives that makes us angry, or jealous, or upset. We have to be ready to handle that, right? Walking away is not handling it.”
“Maybe, but it gives us both a chance to cool off.” I scraped the bottom of the container.
So far I’d not found a ring. My heart sank when I realized there wasn’t one hidden there. Maybe he had it in his pocket instead? Maybe he worried that the ice cream would ruin the stone?
“Sammy, I just want you to know how important you are to me. No matter what happens in our lives, we should be there for each other—just like we always have been. I don’t want anything to change that.”
“Nothing will.” I took his hand in mine and looked into his eyes. “Nothing can.”
“Are you sure? Because I think if we let things go as they were going the other morning, it could have gotten very difficult.”
I frowned. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I was being unreasonable.”
“I don’t know that you were. All I know is that I want to be confident that our relationship is strong—that we can overcome anything we need to.”
“Max.” I squeezed his hand. When he met my eyes it dawned on me. It was something that had never occurred to me before. Max was scared. “Are you afraid?”
“I’d be lying if I said no.” He frowned. “Before I realized that I was in love with you, I thought I had my life figured out. I thought I knew everything about how my life should go. But you know, going forward—starting our lives together—that’s a big change.”
I wrapped an arm around his shoulder and hugged him. “Oh, Max, it’s not that much of a change if you think about it. We’ve been part of each other’s lives for so long. That part is never going to change.”
“You know I love you, don’t you, Sammy?” He kissed my forehead. “Nothing will ever change that.”
I nodded. Still, I felt a pang in my heart. Did I really know that? There was obviously no ring in the ice cream. Now Max was talking as if he was getting cold feet. So how could I know that?
“I love you too, Max.”
“I know you do.” He smiled. He leaned close for a kiss.
It was a sweet kiss with traces of ice cream left on our lips. It should have been a perfect moment. Instead it was tainted by my concern. I was lying to Max, and he was worried about the future. He had every reason to worry, since I could not bring myself to be honest with him.
“I guess I should get going.”
The last thread of hope in my heart that he might surprise me with a proposal snapped. There was no special night planned. Whatever he had been talking to Stephanie about didn’t pertain to our dessert.
“I guess.”
I sat back and stared at the empty styrofoam cup on the table.
“Why does it feel like you’re not telling me something?” There was clear frustration in Max’s voice.
My stomach twisted with conflict. I knew that Max wanted me to tell him how I was feeling, and in the past when we were best friends, I never would have hesitated to. Now I felt like if I told him the truth he would see the crazy I was trying to hide from him and want nothing to do with me. How could I tell him that I didn’t understand why he hadn’t proposed?
“I just overheard something tonight that I probably shouldn’t have.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean why were you and Stephanie together tonight, when neither of you told me you would be?”
I might have imagined it, but it seemed to me Max’s skin grew pale.
“Oh, you saw us?”
“I heard you.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“I don’t know.”
“We just ran into each other. I stopped in to pick something up and Stephanie happened to be there.”
I frowned. I could see that happening. Stephanie was on her way to meet me, so she had stopped at the shop. Why Max was there? That, I didn’t know.
“It just seems odd to me that the two of you would run into each other that way.”
“You think we planned it?”
“I don’t know what to think.”
“Sammy, there’s nothing between Stephanie and me. You know that, don’t you?”
I nodded.
“Are you sure?” He cupped my cheeks with his hands. “I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“I’m okay. I promise.” I kissed him again. Then I walked him toward the door. “Hey, I was thinking about learning to surf. Is that something you’d like to do with me?”
“Sure, I guess.” He scratched his head. “It could be fun.”
“Great.” I smiled. “I’ll let you know when I set up the lessons.”
He looked into my eyes one last time. “I love you, Sammy.”
“I love you too, Max. Thanks for the dessert.”
Chapter 19
That night I found it very difficult to sleep. All I could think of was the bottom of that container. I’d worked myself up yet again. I believed that Max was going to propose. Why else had he and Stephanie been whispering and sneaking around? I thought I’d put my suspicions about them to rest, but now I wasn’t so sure. What if Max and Stephanie were talking about me because they were worried about me? The more I went over in my head the reasons why Max might not want to marry me, the worse I felt.
He had a stable career with a good income. I was a write
r. Sure, I was doing pretty well for myself, but that didn’t change the fact that it wasn’t exactly a stable career. Maybe Max was waiting for me to grow up a little? It hurt my heart to think that he didn’t believe in my writing. Then I realized that I was inventing Max’s feelings. I had no idea how he really felt abut my writing. He had never been anything but supportive about it.
So why no ring?
I turned over and punched my pillow. I hated feeling so anxious. I was worried that I didn’t trust Max, and I was worried that the proposal I’d expected was never going to happen. Maybe that was the problem. Max had never told me that he would propose by a certain time. So why was I stuck on the idea that he was going to now? I was waiting and waiting only to be disappointed. But whose fault was that?
I sighed and buried my face into the pillow. I decided I would turn over a new leaf in the morning. I didn’t want Max to think I was clingy or demanding. I’d let my emotions and worry distract me from making any real progress on my book.
I would wake up and refuse to think about marriage or the future. In fact, I would spend as little time as possible with him. I would focus on my writing and on getting my diet and exercise plan back on track. I had a future, even if Max wasn’t sure if he wanted to be in it. I still had to prepare for it.
When I woke up the next morning I felt the weight of my thoughts the night before. It was hard to believe that I’d let myself spiral so fast. I’d gone from being self-aware and self-confident to drowning in my insecurities.
I sent Max a text.
I’m going to be working as much as possible. Love you.
Then I turned my phone off. I was not going to let anything distract me.
I spent the next half hour going through withdrawal. I was used to having constant contact with Max. If I wondered about him and his day, I could just text him. If I wanted to go out for lunch, I could give him a call to see if he wanted to join me. But with my phone off, I felt very disconnected.
The Girlfriend (Single Wide Female in Love, Book 2) Page 6
