by Sophie Jaff
“Maybe you need to dial it down,” Sael had remarked one evening when they were in the kitchen putting away the plates. She’d been telling him about all about the reindeer they had seen in the Wonderland festival.
“Huh?”
“It just seems to be a lot. Maybe you’re overdoing it.”
She glared at him.
“Sorry, I mean you know best, but—”
“But what?”
“The whole thing might be a bit overwhelming, you know? New country, new school, new life . . . It’s a lot for anyone to take in, let alone for a five-year-old.”
“It’s really good to know how you feel.” She hated the way she sounded, icy and defensive.
“I’m just saying. I mean, he’s your kid, you’re in charge, but it’s not just about him. I’m thinking of . . .” He trailed off.
“Tell me.”
He looked at her, apprehensive. “I mean, you also have to adjust, take it easy.”
“I wouldn’t say visiting the Christmas Grotto is particularly taxing.”
“Well, it all adds up. Then there’s Santa’s live-in roommate, Santa’s villa, his holiday house in Maui.”
Katherine smiled despite herself. “Yeah, okay. I just . . .” It’s hard for her to find the words.
“What?”
“I guess I just . . .”
She thought of Andrea and Lucas coming in through the front door of their apartment, Lucas exhausted and Andrea tired but satisfied. They had waited in Macy’s for four hours to see Santa, just so Lucas could sit upon the famous lap and tell him of his wishes. She remembers going to Rockefeller Center, with Lucas perched atop Andrea’s shoulders, and trying to glimpse the star upon the top of the tree. All of them freezing but grinning like maniacs. She recalls Christmas Day itself, Lucas yelling that Santa had come, bouncing up and down, trying to open his presents. She had given him a coloring book and crayons. It had been a big hit. They’d all eaten too much, and when Lucas fell asleep on the couch she and Andrea watched It’s a Wonderful Life and Groundhog Day until they also fell asleep.
But all she said was, “I don’t want him to miss Andrea. I don’t want him to think about what Christmas means without his mom.”
In truth, she didn’t want him to wake up with a pounding heart. She didn’t want him aching and sad and tearful every time he hears one of those stupid Christmas songs. The way she did.
“I just want him to have a good time,” she finished, a little lamely.
“He is, I’m sure of it. I just want you to take care of yourself, okay?”
“Okay.” She nodded.
“Okay.” He touched her cheek.
He hasn’t touched her in so long. Katherine holds her breath. Please God, she prayed, could you just freeze time. Stop everything? Please. They stared at each other.
“Kat?” Lucas was calling her.
Still they held their gaze.
“Kat? I’m ready!” Lucas’s voice drifted from upstairs, announcing he’s in bed and waiting for their bedtime ritual.
“Coming, honey!”
The moment, as fragile as a soap bubble, was gone.
After Katherine read him his story and pulled up his covers, she asked him casually, “So, what do you think Santa’s going to bring you?”
“Oh, he knows already.”
“He does? How? Have you asked?”
“No, but I’m going to write a secret list and put it somewhere that only Santa will find it and that way we’ll know he’s for real.”
“Want to give me the list so I can mail it to him?” She aimed for total nonchalance.
Lucas was scornful. “No, because then I’ll have to tell you and only Santa can find it!”
“Oh yeah, right!”
Note to self, she thought, search Lucas’s room and tell Mrs. B to be on the lookout.
“Kat?”
“Yes, hon?”
“Will you sing me a song?”
“Of course I will.” She sang Joni Mitchell’s “A Case of You.” Then she gave him a kiss on his forehead and headed downstairs, where she found Sael inexplicably drinking a glass of milk.
“Bartender,” Katherine drawled, “I’ll take one of those, heavy on the ice.”
“Sure, lady, sure.” He poured her a glass and she downed it. It tasted of childhood. “Hey, lady, easy on those things,” he protested in a drawl of his own.
“Fill her up again!” she demanded.
“Sure? This is strong stuff!”
“It’s been a tough day, starting from ten minutes ago.”
“What’s up?” Sael poured her another glass.
Katherine dropped the saloon act. She groaned. “So now he’s written a secret list for Santa.”
“A list, huh?”
“That he’s hidden.”
“Well, of course he’s hidden it. It’s a secret.”
“How am I supposed to get him his present?”
“I’m sure anything you get him will be wonderful.”
“Yeah, but it’s always nice to get what you want, especially when you’re a little kid.”
“I think it’s nice to be surprised by something even better.”
“That’s a good point, but I really just want his first Christmas here to be special.”
“I’m sure it will be.” He had a thoughtful expression. After a moment he asked, “And what do you want?”
“Me?”
“Well, I thought about asking the other Katherine, but I guess you’ll do.”
And what does she answer? You. I want you. I want to go back to the way things were. “You don’t have to get me a present.”
“That’s not the answer to my question.”
“Then surprise me.” She smiled.
He smiled back. “Okay.”
Christmas Eve was wonderful. They got a tree and spent a happy afternoon decorating it with the eight million baubles they bought at the Christmas market. Less is not more for once. Katherine managed to drag Sael downstairs, and for about half an hour he was off all his devices as he reached to the very top of the tree to place the angel. He was surprised that the tree could still stand up, he grumbled, but he took great care. Finally, the angel was in place and they turned down the lights so that the tree would twinkle and glow.
Lucas and Katherine both said, “Oooh,” and it was wonderful.
They heard carolers and even attended an early church service. They watched A Christmas Carol on television. Lucas swore he’d never get to sleep. He was wriggling with excitement.
“When will it be tomorrow?”
“Soon enough,” she told him. “Shut your eyes and it will be here before you know it.”
“But then I’ll be asleep and miss him!”
In the darkened bedroom Katherine rolled her eyes. Sometimes, she admitted, this kid is way too smart for his own good.
“Well, shut your eyes for the moment, and if you wake up maybe you’ll see him. I won’t stop you if you want to chat. Fair?”
“I guess so.” He sighed.
She laughed. “Okay.” She leaned over and kissed him.
“Kat?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” Her heart will burst out of her chest with love for him. It is dreadful, she thought, how much I love this boy.
“Kat?”
“Yes?”
“I hope Santa gets you what you want.”
“Thanks, honey. I hope Santa gets you want you want!” Believe me kid, you have no idea how much I hope.
She gave him another kiss for good measure. His eyes were closing, and then he was finally falling asleep. She rose as silently as she could and headed out of the room.
A figure leaned in the doorway. “Ho, ho, ho,” he said softly.
“Hey! You startled me! What’s up?”
He just stared at her. They were standing very close now, his eyes looked down into hers. “I wonder what Santa will give you?”
; “Maybe Santa will surprise me,” she answered, and then they went into the bedroom together.
He swung her up onto the bed with absolutely no effort, pregnant though she was, and she was in his arms. Oh my love, oh my Sael. How I’ve missed you. She has missed him so much. But Sael was uncharacteristically nervous.
“I don’t want to hurt the baby.”
“You won’t,” she said.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
He looked down at her and his face softened.
“Hey,” his voice was rough with emotion. “You’re still wearing it?”
For a moment Katherine did not realize what he was referring to, and then her fingers glided over the smooth silver shape of the ring brooch, a constant weight against her skin that almost feels like part of her. The question needed no answer, and Sael bent to kiss her.
It was a gentle coupling, skin on skin, soft and sweet. She was crying with relief because they were back together, beyond the words that have held them apart. They were again themselves in the dark, in each other’s arms, and when she slept, it was deeply and without dreams.
Until she was awakened at around six by a joyful shout.
“Kat!”
“Holy shit!” She sat bolt upright, heart pounding. “Lucas?!”
Sael called downstairs. “Everything all right?”
Lucas’s voice came floating up. “Come see! Come see what Santa brought!”
She didn’t think she had ever heard him sound so excited. He must really love the plastic armor and sword she got him. Then again, what five-year-old didn’t like swords? In fact, what man on the planet didn’t love a sword? Still, his almost hysterical joy was amazing and perfect to hear.
Sael lay down again with a groan. It was 6:15, but Katherine couldn’t stop beaming. I guess I got it right, she marveled. She couldn’t believe it.
“Kat?!” Lucas called again.
“Coming!”
“Nope!” Sael wrapped his arms around her. “No, you’re not. I refuse to let you go in exchange for say three more hours.”
She laughed and snuggled down into the best hostage situation ever.
“Kat! Sael!”
She turned to Sael. “I guess you’re summoned too.”
He sighed, but he wasn’t really mad. “Damn, Santa has a lot to answer for. If I find that hairy bastard . . .”
“You weren’t nearly a good enough boy,” she murmured.
“I wasn’t?”
“You were fabulously bad.”
“Mmmm.” His arms tightened.
“Guys!”
“Okay, okay, we’re coming!”
They pulled on pajama bottoms and T-shirts and headed downstairs. Katherine couldn’t wait to see Lucas swinging the sword, grinning from ear to ear. He was sitting under the tree next to her unopened present. In fact, all his presents were unopened apart from one crate.
Crate?
Something moved under the tree among the tissue paper, and a small brown-and-white furry face peered out. Lucas cradled the puppy in his arms.
“What’s this?” Her legs were shaking. She had to sit down.
“Santa!” cried Lucas. “Santa knew! He knew!”
Sael came into the room and plopped down on the floor.
“Let’s see who this is.” He picked up a large card that was on the crate and read it aloud. “‘Hello! I am an English springer spaniel puppy. Santa brought me all the way from the North Pole. I am yours, please have fun and be good to me. My name is Cordelia. Merry Christmas!’”
The puppy had liver-colored patches over her huge brown eyes.
Lucas buried his face in her soft, squirming body. “He knew! Santa knew!”
Katherine stared at Sael. “I can’t believe it. How did Santa know?”
He smiled. “Sometimes Santa just knows these things.”
“Look, Kat!”
She instinctively opened her arms and took the puppy without thinking. Immediately she tensed, catapulted back to that day at the pound, but Cordelia did nothing but squirrel her warm, wriggling body against Katherine’s.
“She’s adorable,” Katherine said faintly as she looked again at Sael. Sharp needles sank into her finger. “Ow! I guess she’s teething. She’s going to be a great guard dog, Lucas.” She passed the puppy back to him and saw small red dots well up on her skin. “I think I might need a Band-Aid.”
“Want me to get it?” Sael maked as if to get up.
“No, I’m good. You stay there.”
She left them sitting with the puppy. Sael got him a puppy. It’s really wonderful, she told herself. He really cares about Lucas’s happiness. It is an amazing present.
So why did she feel like crying?
“I can’t believe you managed to organize that,” she told Sael later.
They were in the kitchen fixing themselves breakfast. Yogurt, fruit. Lucas was still playing with Cordelia.
“You mean Santa,” he said.
“Okay. I can’t believe Santa managed to organize that.”
“Well, Santa admits that Georgie had a big part to play.”
“What?”
She stopped slicing the banana and whipped around to face him, but Sael had opened the fridge and was rooting inside it.
“Yeah, once I told her that Lucas wanted a dog, she went and did everything! It was great.”
“Oh.”
“What?” He closed the door, looked at her.
“I just thought that you had chosen it.”
“Well, I wouldn’t know the first thing about where to go or how to get a dog here.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know.”
“Is there something wrong?”
“No, not at all,” she lied, remembering how tightly Lucas had been gripping her hand as they walked from the subway toward the pound. “I’m just impressed. She managed to do such a great job.”
Lucas had sung all the way there on the train. She had worked so hard to budget, fill out all the forms.
“Really? You say that, but your tone of voice tells me another story . . .”
She shrugged. “I was just thinking about when Lucas and I tried to get a dog in New York.”
“Yeah, I remember there was a problem that day with getting one? They were acting up or something? So y’know, that’s why I thought of it.” He spoke with real pride.
Katherine said, “Awesome,” but all she saw was Georgie and Sael plotting on the phone, working out the details, the seamlessness of it.
She glanced over her shoulder at Lucas. He was totally and completely in love. Katherine knew she’d never be able to say anything.
She gazed at her bandaged finger. Once bitten, twice shy.
Now, sitting in Fortnum’s, she’s finally able to confess how she felt to a man she’s just met.
“I know it’s stupid and petty,” she tells him, “but somehow it just sticks in my throat, the thought of them working together on it and—”
“You wanted that to be your thing,” he says gently. “I understand.”
“You do, don’t you? I just, I don’t know, it seems so personal. I guess Sael wanted to surprise me too, but I would have liked to be included in the experience.”
“It makes sense.”
“And somehow, the puppy is a constant reminder of how I wasn’t. Anyway, as you see, I’m a horrible person.”
“I adore horrible people. I’m one of them.” His delivery is so deadpan that Katherine is apt to believe him. Still she protests.
“No, you’re not, you’re very nice. Very nice and kind to weeping women in the bookstore.”
“Honestly, it’s never happened before. I must be coming down with something.”
“Well, thank you, it meant the world to me.”
“You’re welcome.”
A man comes over, his suit suggesting he’s more of a manager than a waiter. “Is everything all right, Mr. de Villias?”
“Everything is wonderful, thank you, Daniel.”
>
She stares at him. For a moment, she’s unable to blink, or even exhale.
Matthew sees her reaction and sighs, exaggeratedly. “It’s true. I come here too often, clearly.”
“No, what did he say your last name was?”
“Oh, my surname? Isn’t it wildly pretentious? But there’s not much I can do, it’s too old to get rid of, so it’s just my cross to bear.”
“No, no, that’s Sael’s surname. Could you be related?”
“Really?” Matthew frowns.
“Yes, I think he mentioned that he has family from here, a cousin?”
“How fantastic! My long-lost American cousin.”
“That’s incredibly odd.”
“It’s more than that.” He grins at her. “Thank God I’m not feverish after all! I told you I was never normally so nice, but I felt an undeniable pull toward you. Clearly you were destined to be with de Villias men.”
Katherine laughs, and finally it’s genuine. “Only the most fabulous ones.”
“Darling, all de Villias men are fabulous, but me in particular. Let’s have some more tea and you can tell me all about my cousin and your life. I want to hear everything!”
And this is how Katherine meets Matthew de Villias.
The Man in the Woods
She has taken to walking alone late at night. She claims it is to draw water from the well when there’s no wait, but that’s only an excuse. It is madness of course. There’s Hervey at home and her husband too. Hervey can be fretful at times, still she can comfort him by putting him to her breast, but Guy will be dead to the world.
He may as well be dead to her too. Any other man would have put his foot down and forbade his wife to journey out after curfew. Guy only sighed, and although he protested that it was too dangerous he did not stop her.
Once she had lain in her lover’s arms, their limbs entwined, each kiss a sin, each caress, a secret bliss. Once he had made her promises, and once she had believed him. She believed that a highborn man would keep his word. She had coveted each and every stone, hugging herself over the herb garden delighting in even the thatch. She had spent days and nights envisioning where she would place their belongings, Guy’s candlesticks and the one painted cloth her mother had left her.
