On the outside I was the picture of calm, but on the inside I was an emotional wreck. In a matter of minutes, I went from thinking I might be pregnant to rushing out the door holding a bag of ice to my little girl’s swelling face.
On the way out to the car I called Colton, needing someone to talk to. It rang four times before going to voicemail.
“Hey,” I started, my voice shaking. “Um, I know you’re on a delivery today, so I hate to bother you. Ava got hurt and we’re on our way to the ER now. Just… please call me back?”
After buckling my seatbelt, I glanced in the rearview mirror to find Ava puffy-eyed and still holding the cold pack up to her lip. “How are you doing, Bug?”
She muffled something that sounded like, “I’m okay.”
“Here, I’ll put on the Frozen CD. We’ll be at the hospital in less than two songs,” I said, trying to sound as reassuring as possible.
Ava nodded and looked out the window.
Before Anna was done singing about building a snowman, we were pulling into the ER parking lot.
*
“This is the last stitch, Miss Ava,” the doctor told her as he looped the curved needle through her skin with steady hands. “You’ve been a great patient.”
She didn’t even look away from my phone, which was playing an episode of Doc McStuffins on YouTube. Thank God for wi-fi.
The hospital staff had been so amazing I was seriously considering buying them a fruit basket or something as a thank-you gift. The nurses made Ava laugh, despite the circumstances, and the numbing process had been painless. All she had to do was sit with some ointment over the injured area for fifteen minutes, and she couldn’t feel a thing as the doctor did his magic.
After explaining the stitches could come out in five to seven days and that she might have a small scar, the nurse had me fill out some paperwork, then we were on our way.
Still shaken from the events of the day, I sat for a minute behind the wheel of my car before starting it up. Closing my eyes, I took a few deep breaths.
“Where’s Colton? I want to talk to him.” Ava’s words came out sounding a little off because a good portion of her mouth was still numb.
I frowned when I looked at my phone to see no missed calls or texts.
Forcing a smile, I glanced back at her. “I don’t know, Bug. I’ll try calling him again.” This time it went straight to voicemail, but I didn’t want to leave another message so I hung up. “He must be busy,” I told her, my voice rising an octave as a feeling of irrational panic squeezed my chest.
Colton would never ignore me on purpose.
But that wasn’t quite true, was it?
Old feelings resurfaced as I remembered all the afternoons I spent staring at my mailbox and the disappointment that followed every time I sorted through the envelopes.
It was well into the afternoon now, and even though Colton was on the road he should’ve stopped and gotten my messages.
The rational part of me knew he would call back when he could, but that didn’t stop me from mentally flipping the fuck out.
By the time we walked through the front door, Ava was running to the bathroom to inspect the badge of courage on her face, and I was in the middle of a mind-fuck of my own creation.
I called again. Straight to voicemail—again. I left a message this time.
“Hey, we’re back from the hospital now.” I paused awkwardly. “It’s not like you to not call me back… Please call me back? Bye.”
When dinner time came and I still hadn’t heard from him, I officially felt like I had crossed over into ‘crazy girlfriend’ mode. I’d sent a couple of texts, basically saying the same things I did in the voicemails, and checked my phone about every five minutes.
My dad could tell I was having a hard time, but he didn’t pry, which I appreciated. When he offered to put Ava to bed for me, I got the feeling he felt guilty because she got hurt under his watch.
“You know it’s not your fault, right? Kids get hurt,” I told him as I helped load the dishwasher.
“Oh, I know. You forget this ain’t my first rodeo,” he said in a bad accent while miming throwing a lasso.
It made me smile a little. “You’re such a goofball, Dad.”
His face got serious. “It’s been a long day. I can tell you need a break,” he made a shooing motion with his hand. “I’ve got this.”
“Thank you,” I breathed out before drying my hands and heading to the living room to find Ava watching Tangled. “Hey, Bug.” I sat next to her on the couch. “How you feeling?”
“Good,” she replied cheerfully, and I smiled at her ability to be unaffected by what could have been a traumatic day.
“Grandpa wants to put you to bed tonight. Is that okay with you?”
“Of course! Do I get to stay up yate?” she asked, jumping to the floor and doing a ballerina twirl.
I pinched my fingers together. “A little bit late.” Leaning down, I kissed her cheek. “Goodnight, baby.”
After leaving another pathetic voicemail on Colton’s phone, I went to the bathroom and was relieved when I saw the smear of red on the toilet paper. Even though the tests confirmed I wasn’t pregnant, it was still good to see the evidence.
I put on some black leggings and a gray hoodie, then I went to the closet to get the memory box.
I was looking for something specific.
My fingers closed around the faded, somewhat wrinkled picture.
Holding it up, I studied it. A six-year-old Colton and I stood together, arms looped around each other as I proudly displayed a mason jar full of lightning bugs we had caught. Colton was grinning at the camera, but my face was turned, smiling at him like he’d hung the moon.
Was this an honest representation of us?
I remembered hearing someone say that in every relationship, there was a ‘reacher’ and a ‘settler’. I couldn’t help feeling like I was the former. I wasn’t even close to being at Colton’s level, which meant he was settling for a life with me.
Instead of romantic dates, he settled for coming to watch me work at Caged. Instead of adult conversation or hot phone sex, he settled for watching me read bedtime stories to Ava.
He had his shit together. A career he loved. His own apartment.
In comparison, my life was a hot mess.
What if he changed his mind about us? How long would it take for him to realize he was getting the shitty end of the deal?
Clutching the picture in my hand I collapsed into my bed, feeling exhausted, confused, and overwhelmed.
I checked my phone one more time. Still nothing from Colton.
Then the emotional dam broke and I cried.
CHAPTER 38
COLTON
As I finished up the delivery, I still couldn’t get my mind off things with Ellie. I pulled the semi over at a rest stop just before the Missouri state line to check my phone. No texts, no missed calls.
It made me worry. Even when I was off on a haul, I usually heard from her.
I tried to bring up her number to call, but something was wrong with the screen. It was frozen. I turned it off then started it back up, thinking that would help. No such luck. In fact, the screen started flashing at me and I had no idea what that meant.
However, it was clear that my phone had finally met its untimely death.
New battery my ass.
When I finally made it back to Champaign that evening, I stopped at Best Buy and went through the process of getting a new phone. It took for-fucking-ever, but luckily they were able to recover all my pictures, videos, and even the missed voicemails and texts from the day. I checked them as soon as I got back out to the semi.
Hearing Ellie’s panicked voice as I listened to her messages had my heart hammering in my chest and, suddenly, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Ava had to go to the hospital?
It’d been a long time since I’d experienced real fear. The thought of Ava scared and in pain had me afraid. Terrified.
After starting up the truck, I drove straight to Ellie’s house. I pulled the rig up out front and noted that all the lights inside were off. It was almost 10pm, so it wouldn’t surprise me if everyone was asleep.
Still, I needed to talk to Ellie and make sure Ava was okay.
I dialed her number and after it rang several times, I almost thought she wasn’t going to pick up.
“Hello?” she answered, sounding sleepy.
“Hey. Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I got your messages. Is everything okay?”
“Um, yeah.” I heard rustling like she was sitting up in bed. “Ava had to go to the hospital—”
“Yeah, I know,” interrupted impatiently. “Can you come down to talk?”
“You’re here?” she asked, sounding surprised and much more alert.
“I’m outside,” I told her as I hopped down from the truck. “Can you meet me on the porch?”
“I’ll be there in a minute.” She hung up and I waited, hopping up and down to warm myself from the cold night air.
When Ellie came out, she was bundled up in a gray oversized hoodie and her hair was thrown up into a messy bun. Those rainbow socks were pulled up to her knees. Her eyes were red-rimmed. She’d been crying.
I wanted to go to her—hold her and tell her everything would be okay—but everything about her body language was closed off. She wrapped her arms around herself and stood firmly planted by the door.
I broke the silence first. “What happened?”
“Ava tripped and hit her face on the coffee table,” she told me, rubbing her hands up and down her arms in an attempt to stay warm. “Her teeth went through her lip and she had to have stitches.”
I made a sound of frustration because I wasn’t here when she’d needed me. “I’m sorry. My phone died. Like, really died. I had to go get a new one.” I held up the phone, inwardly cursing at the one that let me down. “I got your messages and I came straight here. Is Ava okay?”
“Yeah, she’s okay now. She was amazing at the ER. I just let her watch cartoons on my phone while they sewed her up and she didn’t move an inch.”
I smiled, feeling proud. “She’s brave,” I said, then I noticed how tired Ellie looked. She didn’t just look exhausted, though. She looked beat-down. Sad. “Are you okay?”
“It’s just been a really hard day.” Her voice cracked, and it sounded like she was going to cry.
“Hey,” I said softly, moving forward and wrapping my arms around her. “Everything’s okay now.”
For a second she melted into me, laying her head on my chest. Her face rested in the hollow of my neck and she inhaled, running the tip of her nose over my skin. Her fingers curled into my shirt and she clung to me like she was trying to soak up all the warmth and comfort she could.
Then she pulled away and took a step back, putting distance between us.
“I don’t feel okay.” She rubbed at the skin on her thumb and even in the darkness, I could see the red, angry-looking blister she’d created.
A bad feeling came over me. “Why?”
She shook her head and sighed. “I think we need to talk, Colton.”
“Don’t,” I pleaded, already knowing where this conversation was headed. “Don’t do to this to me. Don’t do this to us.”
“We just really rushed into things. Maybe it was a bad idea for us to get romantically involved.”
I barked out a humorless laugh. “Too fucking late. Give me one good reason that we shouldn’t be together.”
“I can give you several reasons. One, I’m not good enough for you,” she stated, and I could tell she really believed that.
“That’s bullshit,” I grunted. “How can you say that?”
“This relationship started because I lied to you.”
“We forgave each other, remember? You forgave me because I stopped writing and I forgave you for lying. I’m not gonna hold that over your head—that’s how forgiveness works,” I told her. “And I don’t care how it started. We’re together now. That’s what matters.”
“Sometimes I’m selfish,” she said, continuing the list of complete nonsense. “And when you didn’t answer the phone today… I kind of freaked.” She grimaced. “I guess I didn’t realize until recently how deep my trust issues went—how messed up in the head I am. I mean, I went bat-shit. I think I left you, like, four voicemails.”
“Six,” I corrected her, and she made an exasperated sound as her hands flew up to her face.
“Oh, my God,” she breathed out, obviously embarrassed by the excessive messages. “You deserve to be with someone who trusts you. I’m too needy.”
Counting off on my fingers, I began my rebuttal. “You don’t trust me? I haven’t given you any reason not to. You’re a stage-five clinger? Bring it on. I don’t want you to change. You think you’re selfish? Well, sometimes I’m bossy as fuck. We all have our faults, Ellie.”
“I come with a lot of baggage. You’re basically dating a single-mom-stripper. I’m a real winner,” she said with a huff, and seeing Ellie tear herself down like that was starting to piss me off.
“Let’s get one thing straight—Ava is not baggage. I would never see her like that,” I said, my hand slashing through the air as the anger I was trying to contain came to the surface. I knew the things that asshole said to her the other day got under her skin, and I would say whatever I could to erase it. “You’re beautiful. You make me laugh. You make me happy.” I ran a hand over my head in frustration. “And, for the record, I don’t give a fuck about your job. Hell, that’s how we got together in the first place.”
I looked at Ellie, arms crossed over her chest and a stubborn glint in her eyes. I wasn’t sure what else I could say to get through to her. We stared at each other for a few seconds before she spoke again.
“You haven’t done anything wrong,” she said quietly, hanging her head. “This isn’t your issue, Colton. It’s mine.”
“It’s not you, it’s me?” I asked with disbelief. “Are you seriously using that line on me right now?” With my hands on my hips, I let out a humorless laugh. “What’s next? You’ll tell me you think we should still be friends?”
“I do want to keep being friends…” she said weakly, and I scoffed.
“It’s not a bad thing to need someone as long as they’re willing to be there for you. I’m here,” I said vehemently, spreading my arms wide. “Be selfish. Be needy. Be bat-shit crazy. Whatever you are, I’ll still want you.”
She made a frustrated noise and turned away from me. “I thought I could do this. I thought I could be with you, but I can’t.”
“Where is this coming from?” I asked, knowing there was something she wasn’t telling me. “I’m so fucking confused right now. All these excuses you’re giving me? I’m not buying it. What’s this really about, Ellie?”
She took a deep breath and I knew she was preparing to tell me the real reason for whatever the hell was happening right now.
“I started my period today,” she said, and the random statement caught me off-guard. I raised my eyebrows, because that was the last thing I expected her to say. Was this some kind of raging episode of PMS? Ellie turned to face me and she continued. “I know that might seem like a weird thing to tell you. But I was four days late and I thought I was pregnant.”
I stood there stunned and speechless, because the image of her with a swollen belly—a belly that held my child—flashed through my mind. And I wanted that. I wanted that more than I’d ever wanted anything.
Suddenly, it made sense why she was losing it. As I looked at Ellie, I saw the fear in her eyes and I knew the reason why she was so scared.
“I’m not an asshole,” I told her, my voice raspy from emotion. “I would never leave you the way he did. You deserve happiness and I want to be the one to give it to you.”
“And you deserve to be with someone who believes you,” she said in a whisper and looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
Seconds of silence ticked by, neither of us knowing what to say.
“What do you want?” I asked, feeling helpless. “I don’t know what else I can do.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I just need some time to think. Maybe we should take a break.”
Oh, hell no. She’d just pulled out every excuse and cliché in the book. Those words guaranteed a swift death to any relationship. Not gonna happen.
“I’m not letting you break up with me,” I said stubbornly. “You know that Seinfeld episode where the woman refuses to let George end their relationship? Well, this is kind of like that.”
Ellie’s face scrunched up in confusion, causing a tear to glide to the side of her nose. “What do you mean you’re not letting me break up with you?”
I stepped forward until I had her pinned against the side of the house. “I love you and I’m not letting you go.”
Another tear fell. “It doesn’t work like that.”
“It does for me. I’ll give you some space. Give you a few days to think about it. But just know that this isn’t over.”
Using my thumbs, I wiped away the wetness on her face before gently pressing my mouth to her trembling lips.
Pushing away from the blue siding I backed away from Ellie, hating the way we were leaving things up in the air. I turned to walk away but stopped.
Looking over my shoulder, I had one last thing to say. “Tell Ava I’m proud of her for being brave today.”
Snow started to fall as I made my way across the front lawn, and my heart actually hurt. It felt like someone took a sledge hammer to my chest. I took deep breath, trying to relieve the tightness around my ribcage.
“Colton, wait,” Ellie sobbed and I stopped. “Three…”
I whipped back around. “Fuck that, Ellie. I’m not saying goodbye to you.”
Dancer (The Good Guys Book 2) Page 20
