Damaged and the Bulldog

by Bijou Hunter

My therapist insisted Dylan needed to respect my past if he wanted to be a part of my future. “Did you know I had a baby?”

  Based on his expression, he didn’t know.

  Nervous under his gaze, I tried to make him understand, “I was pregnant when Kirk found me. I couldn’t keep it. I was messed up and I couldn’t take care of myself.”

  “How old were you?”

  “Twelve when Kirk found me. Thirteen when I had the baby.”

  “What happened to it?”

  I lifted my gaze to meet his. “A couple from Bowling Green adopted him. They have a daughter and were really excited to have a son. They even let me name him. Well, I picked from the names they liked. Their choices were kinda weird like Phineas. I picked the best of the bunch, so his name is Jonah.”

  Dylan’s frowning face remained frozen for a few minutes. He glanced around the yard then at my face. “I don’t know how you went through all that and still became so good and kind.”

  He stared at my bruised hand. “My life was easy compared to yours, but I was being an asshole like my dad. One day, Lark told me if I didn’t want to end up like Larry then I needed to make real changes. If I had your life, I’d likely be a monster, but you’re not.”

  “I don’t think you’d be a monster.”

  “You don’t know, Winnie.”

  As my fingers caressed the palm of his hand, I needed to know he still wanted me. “I have a good family now. I go to therapy every week. I feel safe because of Dad and the Reapers. I try to be strong, but my instinct is always to run. When I get scared, I run. When I feel overwhelmed, I run. If I don’t know what to do, I run. With you, I feel all those things and I have to fight the urge to run because I don’t want to lose this chance with you.”

  “I want you, Winnie,” he said with too much intensity. “I have liked girls before, but what I feel for you isn’t like that. It’s not attraction. It’s not anything I’ve felt before. Being patient is killing me. I feel like you’re mine and I just want to take you and make you mine. Fuck waiting, but that’s just the asshole in me talking.”

  “You’re not an asshole and you’re very patient.”

  “Trust me that I’m an asshole. I behave with you. Not lie exactly, but I keep my mouth in check like I don’t with other people. With most people, I don’t care if I piss them off or scare them. Maybe I should, but I don’t. With you, I need you to be happy, so I’m patient.”

  I placed his hand against my cheek. Dylan immediately caressed my lips with his thumb.

  “If you come over like this, we can talk alone and have more privacy. Would you be willing to do that this week, so we don’t need a chaperone?”

  “I’ll jump through any hoop as long as I land next to you.”

  I smiled and Dylan shared it.

  “I was scared to tell you about the baby. I didn’t want you to think I was ruined.”

  Dylan lost his smile. “If you knew how I saw you, you’d never worry about that. Like how you look at me and don’t see asshole, I don’t see the things you think. Though I am an asshole and you’re not ruined, but you know what I mean.”

  “I’m going to hug you now. I feel a little weird and want to run, but I think hugging you will feel better.”

  “Patience,” he whispered to himself as I leaned my body against him.

  Relaxing to the sound of his rapid heartbeat, I smiled at how good his arms felt around me. Even knowing about the Vandals and Jonah, Dylan still wanted me. He saw me the way I wanted to be seen, rather than how I saw myself.

  So despite the urge to run and shower, I wrapped my arms around Dylan. Desire terrified me, but with Dylan, I would learn to embrace it.

  Chapter Ten ~ Dylan

  Winnie was likely sporting a hickey on her neck, but her father’s irritation was worth it. I loved the noise she made when I sucked at the flesh. Something between a moan and a gasp, the sound remained in my thoughts all evening and the next morning.

  I knew she was torn between desire and fear. As we’d kissed, Winnie both pushed me away with one hand while gripping my shirt with another. A few times, she yanked away and sat with a panicked expression on her beautiful face.

  At first, I’d wanted to talk about her feelings. I also considered sitting in silence while she worked things out. Instead, I babbled about my favorite TV shows and what movies I liked as a kid. I shared a story about the biggest fish I’d ever caught and how I was hit by a car and broke my leg when I was ten. As I babbled as if nothing was wrong, Winnie had the time to deal with her fears. Soon, she’d relax and move closer.

  Before I left, I noticed a few pictures on the wall of a boy at different ages. Winnie said the couple who adopted Jonah sent her a picture each month. She kept most in an album, but those were her favorites.

  With sun bleached hair and icy blue eyes, the boy looked nothing like his birth mother. Yet in one of the newer pictures, Jonah gave the camera a shy smile that was all Winnie.

  I couldn’t help thinking about Winnie as the mother of my children. I could imagine us together forever. No woman made me feel like Winnie and losing her wasn’t an option.

  My mind was on her again when I heard a familiar voice from the doorway of Cooper’s office.

  “It’s coming together,” the boss said, helping Farah step over a toolbox. “The place will be fucking perfect. I can do business here. It’ll be comfortable for you and the kids too.”

  Farah glanced around, seeing the building in the half done mess it was. Cooper though was clearly visualizing the final product.

  “How’s it going?” he asked, shaking my hand.

  “I did the rewiring you wanted, but it’s put us behind by a few days.”

  “Fair enough,” Cooper muttered. “Can I show Farah around?”

  “You pay the bills.”

  “Hell yeah, I do,” he said and Farah rolled her eyes. “Don’t mock my manliness, wife.”

  “Your manliness is pressing down on my bladder right now, husband.”

  Cooper focused on her baby bump, getting a weird possessive look that I suspected I would have one day. For now, I felt like I was witnessing a private moment.

  I left them to explore the partly done building. The back office was nearly complete and they remained back there for a while.

  Outside, I took a deep breath of the crisp autumn air. Sweaty from working inside, I wore one of the bulldog shirts Winnie liked. Yet the cold air had me thinking to get my long sleeve shirt. I was ready to return inside when I noticed Tad walking my direction.

  Crossing my arms to deal with the cold, I shared his smile. No matter his niceties, the guy scared me because he could snap his fingers and end my life. Or just ruin me by taking away Winnie.

  “You have a minute?” he asked.

  “Is everything okay?”

  Giving a quick nod, Tad looked around then focused his icy gaze on me.

  “Do you know why I have you take a chaperone on your dates?”

  Startled by the abruptness of his question, I didn’t answer. Tad ignored my silence and continued.

  “It’s not that I’m unaware of modern dating techniques. I wouldn’t think to have a chaperone with Harlow,” he said, scratching at his stubbled chin. “She can tell anyone no. In fact, she often says no first even when she wants to say yes. Winnie doesn’t have that ability.”

  Tad gestured for me to follow him. Walking to his truck, he leaned against it before continuing.

  “I’m sure you know Winnie’s history. When Kirk brought her to us, she was barely verbal. She refused eye contact and cried if anyone touched her. Winnie told us you know about the baby, so you can imagine what it was like. She cried through every medical exam and had a C-section because there was no way she could handle delivering normally. Hell, she only held the baby once. As soon as he started crying, she started too.”

  I didn’t know what Tad saw on my face, but he nodded. “People do fucked up shit in this world and some people can bounce back easier than othe
rs. Winnie got healthier. She learned to talk to people and eventually to tolerate physical contact. By the time she was sixteen, she would hug us and talk to people she knew. Therapy helped, of course, but mostly she needed a safe home with people who wouldn’t hurt her. By her eighteenth birthday, Winnie was doing well. I saw you two circling each other and figured dating was coming. Then the Devils came looking for Harlow. Even after killing the fucker, they regressed after being taken. Harlow is angry while everything scares Winnie. If I could kill those bastards again, I would for what they did to my girls.”

  Having a bad feeling about where this was going, I kept my mouth shut.

  “You’re a good man,” Tad said, surprising me. “I don’t think you’re interested in my girl for quick fun. If you were, you’d have ditched her after the first chaperone date. You also seem to accept Winnie with all her issues. So I know you are going out later in the week and I know you won’t take advantage of Winnie, but I’m sending a chaperone anyway. Not to make sure you behave, but to make sure Winnie doesn’t do anything just because she think she has to.”

  “I understand.”

  “I’m sure you do, but I worry you think like your old man,” he said and I tensed at the mention of my dad. “A man like him gets what he wants or crushes the person denying him. Like he tried to do with you.”

  “I’m not like him.”

  “I hope not, but it’s my job as Winnie’s dad to make clear what happens if you hurt her on purpose. Relationships fail and I don’t expect you to kiss her ass to make me happy. However, if you treat her like shit, you’ll only live long enough to finish Cooper’s office.”

  “Our relationship won’t fail.”

  “Everyone thinks that.”

  “Everyone doesn’t mean shit to me. Winnie makes me happy like no one else ever has. I think I make her happy too. We’re not going to fail.”

  Tad narrowed his eyes and I realized I sounded like the stalking fucker I was. Winnie was mine and I wasn’t giving her up. Saying this out loud made me sound crazy though.

  Whatever he was thinking, Tad kept it to himself before leaving me at the worksite. I imagined him telling Winnie that she couldn’t see me anymore. In fact, I was prepared for the cold shoulder when I arrived that evening.

  Instead, Winnie answered the door wearing a big smile. She took my hand and we sat on the back porch for an hour, talking and cuddling. Even relieved, I worried it was only a matter of time before my months of watching Winnie each evening would come back to haunt me.

  Chapter Eleven ~ Winnie

  Lark’s feet were swollen, so I helped her walk to the back porch and put them up. The dogs ran around the yard, enjoying the slightly warmer weather. After bringing Lark a glass of diet soda, I joined her on the loveseat.

  “Did you have problems with your pregnancy?” Lark asked.

  “I don’t remember.”

  “Do you plan to have children in the future?”

  “I don’t know,” I said then added, “I never thought I’d like a guy until I got to know Dylan.”

  Lark smiled. “He’s a tricky fucker. I used to dread seeing him since he was his dad’s attack dog. Once he blew off Larry, he’s really become a sweetie. He’s even nice to Raven and those two are like water and vinegar.”

  Sharing her smile, I decided to pump her for information. “Did Dylan date a lot?”

  “I guess. He went on dates, but I never met anyone. I never heard him talk about a girl. Since I met him, he’s never had a girlfriend until you.”

  My smile widened. “We’ve gone on a few dates away from the house and spent a lot of time together on the back porch. Now, I want to spend the night with him, but I’m really scared. I’ve never, you know, been with a guy in a real way. I want to with Dylan though.”

  “What are you most scared of?”

  “Being touched. I’m afraid when he touches me that it’ll feel like when…”

  I didn’t finish, but Lark understood. “You two have kissed. Did that make you feel bad?”

  “At first, yes.”

  “Then go slow. Basically, do the opposite of me and Raven. We slutted out the first chance we got with our guys.”

  I smiled. “Well, Aaron and Vaughn are hot.”

  “So is Dylan. You know, for a step brother.”

  “I have fantasies,” I said, embarrassed to admit as much, but something about Lark made sharing easy. “I never really see me in the fantasies though. If I put me in them, I want to puke.”

  “You need to take it slow and lead up to the good stuff. Kissing leads to cuddling leads to under the shirt action leads to…well you get the picture.”

  “Ooh, what am I walking into?” Aaron said, peeking out from the house.

  Lark’s face lit up. “My sexy cobra is home along with the hot guy attached to him.”

  Aaron faked offense at her comment as he settled in next to her on the couch. While his lips caressed hers, his hands were doing the same with her baby bump. I looked away, giving them privacy. The way they were so casually intimate with each other made me hunger to see Dylan. I wanted his arms around me, his lips on mine, his hot breath on my skin, my name whispered in his hungry voice.

  Desire scared me as much as sex, but I craved everything about Dylan. I wanted to share with him what Lark had with Aaron.

  “I didn’t mean to interrupt, but today was slow at the shop. Everyone wants Jade to do their tats. I know she’s talented, but I sensed they just want the hot chick,” Aaron said then added quietly, “I’m hot too.”

  Lark cuddled next to him. “If I wasn’t on bed rest, I’d fuck that pout right off your face.”

  “Don’t worry, babe. I’m keeping track of every time you say that, so you can make it up to me after the babies are born.”

  Smiling, Lark glanced at me. “We’re planning to ditch the babies with other people a lot, so we can have alone time. You should prepare for that.”

  I grinned. “I can’t wait to see your babies.”

  “Me either. I hope they have curls like Aaron.”

  Aaron sighed. “Please, let the boy have straight hair. Trust me that the Shirley Temple look doesn’t work on boys.”

  Lark rubbed his head. “Hey, Winnie and Dylan are together. Isn’t that great?”

  Aaron smiled at me. “Have you seen his bulldog tat?” When I shook my head, he nodded. “He got it before the shooting. I doubt he’s been walking around shirtless much since then.”

  “It’s a beauty,” Lark said, smiling at her husband. “Aaron is so talented that the dog looks real. Pouty too. Kinda like Dylan in a bad mood.”

  Even curious about the tattoo, I focused on my job. “Do you want me to make you lunch?” I asked, standing up. “Lark was planning to have a sandwich.”

  “Oh, and steamed veggies,” Lark added, faking excitement. “Soft carrots, Aaron. Can you imagine?”

  “I won’t have to. I’ll have what she’s having,” he told me then knelt on the ground to kiss the baby bump. “This is Leo. This is Phoebe. I can tell by how they kick.”

  Lark looked at me and rolled her bright green eyes. I still smiled at how excited Aaron was about his babies.

  As I made them lunch, I remembered when Dylan asked about kids. We were cuddling on the back porch when he brought up the subject. Dylan hoped for at least two because he didn’t like growing up an only child.

  “I don’t know if I’d be a good mother,” I told him.

  “Of course you will.”

  “I have moods where I’m not good for anything.”

  “We all do. That’s why we have each other.” When I stared at him, Dylan finally understood. “Do you not want children?” he asked.

  Staring into his dark hypnotic eyes, I let myself dream of a future where Dylan and I were together. If I learned to be close to him, I could learn to be close to a child.

  Our child would be so loved too. Mom was already knitting blankets for grandchildren she might never have. Dad figured Beckett woul
d get his wife preggers five seconds after walking out of prison, so he’d bought himself a “Best Grandpa” coffee cup.

  “Yes, I want them,” I told Dylan. “With you, I want everything.”

  I was thinking about Dylan’s smile when I brought lunch out to Lark and Aaron. They’d changed positions, so he was sitting at the end of the little couch with her head resting on a pillow on his lap.

  “I was feeling lightheaded,” she explained, reaching for the food. “Ooh, broccoli.”

  Aaron smiled at his wife’s enthusiasm, but I could see the worry in his blue eyes. Lark’s blood pressure wasn’t behaving and I sensed she wouldn’t make it anywhere near her due date. Unlike Farah who was having an easy pregnancy, Lark seemed miserable most days. Yet she smiled through it all.

  Chapter Twelve ~ Dylan

  Nick annoyed me when we first met. He was too friendly with Lark and I was too obsessed with my sister. Once I pulled my head out of my ass, I viewed the world differently. For one thing, I realized Nick wasn’t so different than me.

  We both lacked friends in Ellsberg, both seeming incapable of bonding with people for very long. We both had daddy issues. I also sensed anger in Nick that he held at bay. Most days, I struggled to do the same with my rage.

  Having a late lunch at a small Italian place, Nick checked out the menu.

  “I used to eat whatever I wanted when I was fighting and training all the time. Can’t do that anymore. I still work out in Kirk’s home gym and I stop by the Reapers’ gym a few times a week. Otherwise, I’m a lazy fuck. Bailey keeps reminding me how fucking burns a lot of calories too.”

  Grinning, I asked, “Do you miss fighting?”

  “No. Not even a little bit. Once I was done getting punched in the face a few nights a week, I was just done.”

  “You were really good. What did you do with all the…inspiration you used to kick asses?”

  Nick shrugged. “Bailey keeps me centered. I was mostly fighting for the money. Now I work for you.”

  As I thought about the Thunderdome, Nick glanced up from the menu.