by Bijou Hunter
“I didn’t…”
Judd focused his gaze on Vaughn. “Take Harlow home.”
“No way,” she cried.
Judd ignored Harlow’s protests as Vaughn shepherded her out the door. I waited for the enforcer to do what he was paid to do. Winnie was protected by the Reapers and I hurt her. Despite how much she meant to me, I’d broken the woman I loved.
“Did you two fuck?” Judd said quietly, directing to the back of the office where we’d be alone.
Nick came along without being asked. I think he hoped to protect me, but Judd only had me sit down then asked me the question again.
“No. We got close, but we haven’t had sex.”
Judd nodded. “Girls like Winnie put up a lot of walls to protect themselves. To get close to a guy, they bring down the walls. Soon bad shit gets in and reminds them of the pain they want to keep out. My guess is Winnie freaked out because her walls couldn’t keep the bullshit out.”
“What happens next?” I asked, waiting for him to kick my ass.
“You be patient. My woman has her issues too. I can’t snap my fingers and make them go away. If you care about Winnie, you be patient and wait until she digs her way out of the crap. Maybe going to her will help. Maybe not. I don’t know Winnie and I’m not a fucking expert about damaged girls. I just know if you bail now, you don’t get a second chance,” Judd said then added, “I’ll make sure of that even if her family doesn’t.”
“Understood. I want to see Winnie and know if there’s anything I can do.”
“I’ll watch the place,” Nick said instantly.
Judd checked his phone. “I’ll call Tad and tell him you’re coming. Vaughn will talk to Harlow. Go before she gets hold of you again. I suspect next time she’s going for the balls.”
Leaving Judd and Nick, I didn’t know what to expect to find when I reached Winnie. Was she lost to me now? I’d seen such a light in her the last week. Stronger and happier, she was forcing her way into the world and keeping the fear from stopping her.
Toni answered the door and stared at me for a bit too long.
“Did Harlow do that to your mouth?” she asked about my swelling lip.
“Yeah. How is Winnie?”
Toni gestured for me to come inside. “I know you didn’t hurt her. Harlow is angry, but I know Winnie and I know she would tell me if you did something. When she came home last night, she was in a really good mood. Smiling and giggling.”
“We moved too quickly,” I said and my voice broke.
Nodding, Toni gestured for me to follow her. “Winnie wants it all now. Young people always do. Love makes people especially stupid.”
Toni paused next to a partially open door. “When I met Tad, he was recently paroled and working as an assistant pastor. I was working as an architect at a big firm and living in a high rise apartment. I always had a taste for bad boys, but most of them were losers. Tad was special and I wouldn’t let him go. My friends figured I was having an early midlife crisis. My parents thought I might be on drugs. No one understood, but I wanted what I wanted and I didn’t want to wait.”
Opening the door to the room, Toni studied the bed where Winnie rested hidden under a comforter.
“It worked out for me, but life’s been harder on Winnie. She wants what she wants, but she doesn’t have control of herself like the rest of us. When she’s awake, the past is hidden. When she dreams though…”
I stared in at the top of Winnie’s head and felt helpless. She trusted me and I’d pushed her too far too fast. Hell, I barely kept my dick in my pants.
“What should I do?”
“You can try talking to her, if you want. She’s medicated, but not really sleeping.”
As I stepped into the room, my every movement felt too loud. Winnie didn’t stir even after I knelt next to her bed.
Her eyes were open, yet unfocused. Her dark hair covered the right half of her face and she held a Cookie Monster doll. Seeing nothing in her eyes, I felt a hopelessness I’d never known before.
Part of me wanted to leave her and never look back. I’d broken someone beautiful and delicate. All those nights I dreamed of having a chance to show her what kind of man I was, yet I’d destroyed her.
“Will you stay?” Toni asked from behind me. “If you need to go to work, you could come back later.”
“Should I really stay? Aren’t I the reason she’s like this?”
“No,” Toni said with a dark expression in her brown eyes. “Her old father is the reason. The Vandals Motorcycle Club caused this too. Not you. Do you want to stay?”
I nodded. “I feel selfish to stay, but I can’t leave.”
“Then don’t,” Toni said, tugging a corner chair closer to the bed. “Watch TV or use your phone or nap. Whatever you need to do to stay busy, but don’t leave. Winnie needs people to show we still care. That she can lose control and we’ll still be there when she comes back from it.”
I didn’t know what Toni saw on my face, but she pulled me into a hug. After a lifetime of cold mother figures, I clung to her and the warmth she offered. After seeing her daughter suffer again, Toni needed comfort too.
Soon, I sat in a chair, flipping channels, and stealing glances at the still dazed Winnie. At one point, Harlow appeared at the door and glared at me. I waited for her to say something, but she walked away instead.
Toni brought me a can of Coke then a sandwich. When she checked on Winnie, her daughter never responded. Later, Tad arrived with a kitchen chair and sat next to me after kissing the top of Winnie’s head.
“Hardest thing about being a parent is not locking your kids up to protect them,” he said, staring at the TV. “If I had my way, Winnie and Harlow would stay at home. No dating. No fighting at the Thunderdome. Hell, I wouldn’t let them leave without me or their mom with them. I feel the same about Jace, but he doesn’t want to go anywhere anyway. The girls are ready to find freedom. They want to grow up, so I have to let them.”
Tad wasn’t anything like my dad. Occasionally, I wondered if his calm demeanor was a con. I remembered Larry’s habit of playing the nice guy to trick someone into dishing info he used against them later. I never shared anything with my dad for this reason. Tad wasn’t Larry though.
“I don’t know the right thing to do with Winnie. She makes me crazy and I want her so much. I don’t think I can be trusted with her.”
Tad nodded. “Maybe you can’t. When Winnie is truly awake, she’ll either reach for you or push you away. If she wants you, what can you do? Walk away from a woman you need and who needs you too? No, you’ll stay because you have no choice. The heart falls easily into addiction. Once it wants something, it doesn’t let go. What can a man do?”
Frowning, I thought about my parents and how their hearts were never addicted long.
“Both my mom and dad have been married a bunch of times. They’ve been engaged even more often. I grew up thinking love never lasted. I didn’t want the fleeting shit for me. I needed one person who made me happy. A woman I can grow old with. For me, Winnie’s that girl, but I don’t know if I should be the guy for her.”
“Why not? You having shitty parents don’t mean much, kid. I had great parents and I turned out like shit for the first thirty years of my life. I didn’t get better on my own either. Doing time fixed a lot of my problems because I didn’t have the choice to run away from my demons. You don’t have that problem. You just need to stay put and wait to see if Winnie is strong enough to make a life with you.”
Winnie’s eyes were closed, but she wasn’t sleeping. I doubted she was listening to us either. Her breathing remained serene.
“Sometimes, you need to be an asshole with Winnie,” Tad said, finishing his beer. “When she gets lost in the past, I have to yell at her like I’m one of those fucks she’s scared of. It’s the only way to make her obey long enough to take her medication. It doesn’t happen often. Less and less as she gets older, but I hate yelling at her. You’ll hate it too, but love isn
’t all picnics. You have to do what’s right, rather than what feels good.”
Staring at Winnie, I couldn’t imagine scaring her on purpose.
“Am I freaking you out?” Tad asked, wearing a little grin.
“No, I’m happy you’re not kicking my ass for doing this to her.”
“Don’t be a whiner,” Tad said, watching Winnie. “You didn’t do shit. The fuckers who broke her are long dead. We’re the ones picking up the pieces.”
Nodding, I watched him approach the bed. Winnie moved around under the covers and her eyes popped open.
“No,” she whimpered.
“What’s your name?” he asked, leaning down.
Her gaze focusing on Tad, she whispered, “Winnie Todds.”
“Who are your mom and dad?”
“Tad and Toni Todds.”
“Sister and brothers. Don’t forget the dumb one in prison.”
Winnie smiled slightly. “Harlow, Jace, and Beckett Todds.”
“Who’s this mopey fella?” he asked, gesturing towards me.
Winnie focused a moment before her eyes widened. “Dylan.”
“I need to help Mom with dinner. You two behave or I’ll send Harlow in as a chaperone. You know she’ll love that.”
Winnie watched her father leave then returned to staring at me.
“Cookie Monster,” I said, kneeling next to the bed. “I had a Big Bird when I was a kid.”
Pushing aside the doll, she took my hand. “I live in Ellsberg. I have a family and friends. You’re my boyfriend.”
I gave her a little grin. “Hell yeah, I am.”
Winnie shivered under the covers. “I’m sorry this happened.”
“Me too. You deserve to be happy.”
“Will you stay?”
“As long as you’ll let me.”
Winnie smiled, but I saw her eyes losing focus. “My medicine makes me out of it. Don’t take anything I say personal.”
“I won’t,” I said, finally letting myself touch her beautiful face.
Winnie shivered under my fingers. I spotted a smile before she faded into a light sleep. She was so beautiful, but I noticed scratches and bruises covering her arms. Even free from the Vandals, Winnie might still be destroyed by their legacy.
Later when Winnie awoke, Toni convinced her to eat a small omelet.
“Mom makes great omelets,” Winnie said, taking her medicine.
Fatigue kicked in after dinner. A nervous Winnie asked if I would stay the night. Her parents wanted me close while Harlow wanted to kick my ass out of the house. The important thing was what Winnie needed.
Her bed was comfy and the blankets warmed me as I listened to the wild winds outside. The TV stayed on all night, but the sound was too low to hear. I learned to deal with the strange room and the feeling of people regularly walking past the open door.
Twice, Winnie woke up in a panic. The first time, she pushed me away until realizing who I was. She cuddled closer and told me how much she liked tomatoes in her omelets. The second time, she cried quietly against me until her fingers slid up my tee. She murmured how much she liked the hairs on my chest.
Eventually, Winnie slept deep and I followed her into a restful slumber. After a long uncertain day, I slept next to the woman I’d dreamed of for so long.
Chapter Nineteen ~ Winnie
The past slowly hid in the darkness of my memories. I woke up in the middle of the night, panicked about missing work and leaving Lark needing me. When I found Dylan resting next to me, I instantly relaxed.
“Raven has it handled until you’re feeling better,” he said as his fingers explored my bare shoulder.
We watched each other for a long time before falling asleep. I awoke again at three in the morning. Dylan was still sleeping and I couldn’t believe how beautiful he looked stretched out on my bed.
The warm arousal prickling my skin bothered me. I wasn’t ready to be the new Winnie yet. Instead, I slid out of bed and went to watch TV in the living room where I could turn up the sound. To my surprise, Harlow sat on the couch, wrapped in a quilt.
I sensed she was angry at me, so I didn’t approach. Finally, Harlow opened the quilt and gestured for me to join her.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, shivering even though the house was warm.
“Tired and drugged. Are you mad at me?”
“Why would I be mad at you? I’m the one who set up you and Dylan. I made this happen.”
Cuddled up next to her, I frowned. “You gave me a chance to be with the man I’d been dreaming about for months. You also saved me when the Devils would have killed me.”
Still frowning, Harlow stared at the TV. I knew what she was thinking. I also knew what I needed to say, but I was scared. The fear and pain of my ugly dream lingered in my thoughts. I really didn’t want to talk about more painful things and make the memories more powerful. However, my sister needed me.
“You think it’s your job to save me because you couldn’t save your brother and sister,” I whispered and Harlow tensed against me. “It wasn’t your job to save them. You were a kid too.”
“I know,” Harlow said, but her voice betrayed a stubborn desire to fix what she never broke.
“You did save me though. The bastard at the cabin was going to hurt me. The others probably planned to take turns with me too. After they were done, they’d have killed me. You saved us. You were the one who fought back and got us away. You were the one who attacked the guy. I helped, but you were the one who got the jump on him. You saved us.”
Harlow looked unconvinced, so I continued, “Vaughn and the guys never would have gotten to us in time. We would have died, if not for you.”
Harlow’s angry eyes lost some of their heat. I cuddled closer to her.
“You didn’t have the power to save your brother and sister. Your mom couldn’t save them, so how could you when you were still a kid? When you had the power to fight back like that day at the cabin, you won.”
Fighting tears, Harlow nodded. “I need to be strong. I refuse to be someone’s bitch. I won’t be like that again.”
“You are strong.”
“I need to be stronger.”
Leaning my head against her shoulder, I struggled to find the right words, but there were none.
“I love Dylan,” I said. “Thank you for asking him out for me.”
Harlow frowned at me for a long time then sighed. “I punched him in the face yesterday. I thought he hurt you.”
Even hating the idea of Dylan suffering because of me, I patted Harlow’s hand. “He’s tough. I’m sure he walked it off.”
Harlow gave me a slight smile. “Are you sure it’s love? He’s the first guy you’ve ever dated.”
I knew Harlow couldn’t really understand how I felt because I didn’t understand relationships before Dylan. I decided to explain it the only way people like Harlow and I could relate to.
“I want him to touch me. That’s how I know Dylan’s special.”
Harlow studied me. “I guess he is.”
We sat quietly for twenty minutes before I yawned and she followed suit.
“We should go to bed,” Harlow said, without moving. “I’ll still probably watch TV a little bit longer.”
“Did you have a bad dream too?”
Harlow brushed hair from my face. “No. I probably will and I’m in no hurry for it.”
I hugged her tightly and Harlow clung to me. The house felt too quiet and I didn’t want to leave her alone in the living room.
However, Harlow finally let me go and nudged me off the couch. As she cuddled under the blanket and watched crappy TV, I returned to my warm bed where Dylan slept in his perfectly sexy way. I prayed my sister wouldn’t have a nightmare tonight. Just to be safe, I prayed the same for me.
Chapter Twenty ~ Dylan
Waking to find Winnie sitting in bed watching me, I felt like a blessed man. Her dark hair hung loosely around her face, making her look younger. The slight smile on
her face warmed my heart and her hand on my chest warmed the rest of me.
“Good morning,” I mumbled, rubbing my face. “Did you sleep well?”
Remaining very still, Winnie nodded. I didn’t know what she was thinking, but I felt nervous under her gaze.
“Did I drool or snore last night?” I asked and she gave me a little smile. Once she shook her head, I added, “Did I fart so much you had to leave the room to keep from passing out?”
Laughing softly, Winnie crawled closer. “You look like a guardian angel when you sleep. Strong and perfect.”
Cuddled in my arms, Winnie smiled at me. Her body held a chill while mine was toasty warm. After a few minutes, she rested her head on my chest and listened to my heart beating.
“Are you always this quiet in the morning?” I asked.
Winnie looked up at me and nodded.
“Good. I like beautiful quiet women.”
Winnie’s smile returned. “I have dreams and they all include you.”
Lifting her chin so her lips met mine, I kissed her gently. Winnie sat up and smiled.
“I have a bad case of morning breath,” I mumbled, smiling at her.
“I’m really messed up, Dylan,” she said, her smile gone.
Before I could respond, she leaned over and opened the dresser drawer next to her bed. Winnie pulled out several bottles of medication and dropped them in her lap.
“I take this pill every day for my panic attacks and mood swings. This one I take when I can’t sleep. This one is for when I freak out like the other night.”
Winnie stopped fiddling with the bottles and held my gaze. “I’ve been in therapy for years. When I came to Ellsberg, I didn’t talk. I cried if someone touched me. There were times when I even wanted to die.”
Winnie sighed. “Between my family and therapy, I got better. The medicine helped too, but I’ll always be messed up. I’m never going to get fixed or grow out of it. Little things set me off. I get scared of stupid stuff and I need a lot of reassurance. Even if you do everything right and life is really easy for me, I’ll still be messed up. I can’t remember most of the bad things that ruined me. They’re not really forgotten though.”
