Iris shrugged. “Okay Brandi. I will not say anything else against it – after this. You may want to think twice about claiming you aren’t catching feelings when you just pulled out the verbal equivalent of a machete to defend him.”
I didn’t respond to that.
Couldn’t respond to that, because she was right.
I’d reminded her of those painful things she’d shared with me, just to get her to shut up about a man I was – supposedly – casually screwing. I swallowed hard, trying to clear away the sudden lump that had built in my throat as I realized, after the fact, that I’d hurt my friend.
For several long moments, neither of us said anything, but finally I couldn’t stand in anymore, and reached for her hand.
“I’m sorry,” I said, softly. “I… don’t even know where that came from, but I shouldn’t have brought that up. It wasn’t cool.”
When Iris turned to me, her eyes were glossy, but she gave me a little smile as she squeezed my hand back. “You’re right… it wasn’t. I thought about smacking you for a hot second, but then I remembered I was kinda being a bitch too, so…”
I laughed. “Yeah. But being a bitch to protect your friend is excusable.”
“Mostly,” she agreed. “But you’re the strongest person I know. If anybody can protect themselves… it’s you. And if Kyle messes up… I guess I’ll have to get Manny to beat him up, since Rob is his friend.”
“He won’t mess up,” I told her. “There’s nothing to mess up, we’re just friends.”
“But you care about him – and that’s where that blade you pulled out came from. You being a bitch to protect your friend – Kyle.”
I pushed out a sigh as my gaze went down to the court where Kyle and the other guys were. “I guess so.” I squeezed her hand again. “So you’re not mad at me?”
Iris laughed. “Oh no bitch, I’m mad as hell. But less about your slick mouth, and more about you keeping secrets. Like, I would’ve liked to know that not only were you sleeping with Kyle, but you were actually getting close to him. How long has this been going on?”
I wrinkled my nose. “Uh… since Valentine’s Day…”
“Valentine’s Day, Brandi?! That was almost two months ago! Wow.”
“I’m sorry. Seriously, we just didn’t want it to be made into a big deal in the group. We were keeping it quiet from everybody, not just you.”
“Girl I don’t care about any of that shit, I care that my friend kept something big like this from me. And don’t say it’s not big, because you’ve been screwing him twice as long as your longest relationship heifer. You like him!”
“No I don’t. I… okay, maybe. We’re friends, of course I “like” him.”
“There’s no “maybe”, you do. And it snuck up on you, which means it’s probably way deeper than this “friends” shit you’re pushing.”
“Iris, I—”
She waved me off. “Just hush, and listen. I know sometimes you have those… low moments. You hide it, but I see it. I’ve always seen it. And then with dealing with Brendan, and then everything with my mother…” she stopped, and dropped her gaze as she shook her head. “I’m sitting here getting on you like I’ve been this amazing friend when I kinda… haven’t. I was dating an addict and coping with what my father did to my mother and the aftermath of all of that, and “dating myself” and all of that, and I just… ignored the fact that you’ve been hurting too.”
“Iris, I have never felt like you were neglectful of me, or our friendship. You had your own shit going on, nobody expected you to drop that to come and rub my back because I was… sad, or whatever.”
“You don’t have to minimize your shit just because mine was bad,” she said, bumping shoulders with me. “You guys were always checking in with me, making sure I was eating, all of that. Y’all made sure I was good.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, duh. Because you were doing the same thing for your family, and for us when we needed it. When I have my moments, I withdraw, and I don’t say anything about it. How could I expect you to do anything about that?”
“Well… Kyle has been doing something about it, obviously. Because you haven’t been “withdrawing” as much as usual. Your vibe is different, and I could tell you were happier. Honestly, I thought you were maybe getting dicked down by Scott and were embarrassed to say anything, so I didn’t say anything either,” she laughed, and my face scrunched up.
“Uh, that’ll be a big no about Scott,” I said, laughing. “And… I don’t know that it’s Kyle himself that changed anything, but he gave some good advice. Keeping myself busy when I feel it coming, exercise. Which, surprisingly, actually works. And he encouraged me to go and talk to somebody, but I’m not sure about that. Gotta think it over some more.”
Iris nodded. “Yeah. But, I’m glad you’re considering it. I need you to be okay.”
“I need us to be okay,” I told her. “Are we good?”
“Obviously.” She wrapped an arm around my neck, pulling me into her for a hug. “When are we going to do a double-date?”
“Oh my God,” I laughed. “There won’t be any double dates, because it is not like that.”
She rolled her eyes. “Two seconds ago you admitted you liked him!”
“That does not change the fact that it’s not like that. Like I told you – I’m fully aware of what this thing is, and isn’t. I know Kyle isn’t checking for me like that. I do, however, need to get myself in check, because crushing on a man that ain’t crushing on you…”
“Is not a good look,” Iris finished for me.
And, it wasn’t. Thinking about the big deal I’d made of him asking me on a normal ass outing, the same as he would with his homeboys, made me cringe. I hoped I hadn’t given him the wrong impression.
Or rather, a truthful impression.
Unwanted, unsummoned feelings aside, I hadn’t gotten into this thing with him looking for anything more than what it started as – just sex. Friendship was an unexpected, but nice, perk. Actual feelings were something else, if that’s even what this was.
Outside of being friendly with the guys my homegirls were dating, male friendships weren’t really my thing. So… it was reasonable that maybe I was getting things a little confused, especially once the complication of sex was added in. Of course I cared for him, just like I cared for everyone I considered a friend, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything beyond that.
Maybe I was getting things mixed up because he was the only man getting my attention. And while I believed him when he said I was the only woman he’d been sleeping with as of late, I knew better than to think that would always be the case for our arrangement. So… maybe I needed to reconsider what I was doing.
I pushed out a harsh sigh that made Iris frown.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing really,” I answered, as my eyes went to Kyle again. He and the guys weren’t playing anymore, they were just standing there talking, joking with each other instead. As if he could feel me looking at him, he glanced up, shooting me a smile that made my heart race a little. I forced a smile that must not have been very convincing, because his eyes narrowed in concern.
“You good?” he mouthed to me, and I nodded, then looked away, turning back to Iris.
“I’m an idiot. I never should’ve gotten involved like this with him,” I mused out loud, and Iris groaned.
“Ugh, I should have just kept my mouth shut,” she whined. “You were happy, and enjoying yourself, and now you’re—”
“Coming back to my senses.” I swept my braids over my shoulder, then turned to where Zion was playing with his friends. “Which is good. I needed this.”
Iris scoffed. “So you’re going to what… break up with him?”
“You can’t break up with someone you aren’t dating,” I corrected. “And… no. I just… need to put things back into perspective.”
&
The funny thing about trying to “put things back into perspective” was t
hat I had no idea how to actually do it. Especially considering the fact that I enjoyed the friendship I’d developed with Kyle as much as I enjoyed the sex, and I had no real desire to make a change to either dynamic.
So… I didn’t.
And life went on, even though the question of my feelings for Kyle stayed at the back of my mind. Actually, to my dismay, it grew, to the point that it felt like I was thinking about him as much as I thought about my son, or my parents, or work, which was pretty much all the damn time. On one hand, it was good that I was actually thinking about it now, instead of just letting it happen without considering the consequences. But on the other hand… the other way was so much less stressful.
“So… you ready for this?”
I looked up from where I was preparing my station to see Marshall on the other side of the mid-sized dressing room, doing the same. Studio G had been hired for a video shoot, and because of our new positions, Marshall and I had been sent to handle the hair for thirty dancers, plus the star of the video, and her male lead. I had three assistants, and he had one, since with the guys there would be less to do. Our call time was already early, but I’d chosen to arrive ahead of time, to start setting up. Apparently, he’d had the same idea.
To answer his question… no. I was not ready for this.
“I’m nervous as hell to be honest,” I told him, and he smiled. This wasn’t the first video shoot I’d done since the new position, but it was certainly the biggest, and the first time we’d been sent out together. I was operating off of very little sleep, but anxiety about getting this right had me wide awake.
“You, nervous?” he asked, shaking his head. “That’s unexpected. Your work is dope as hell. And I saw on Instagram that you even know your way around a set of clippers.”
I blushed, dropping my gaze back down to my hands for a moment to plug in my flat iron before I turned back to him. “So… you’ve been on my Instagram, huh?”
“I have. Hit the follow button too, actually. A while ago.”
“Oh so you were really checking me out then,” I teased, and he chuckled.
“Yeah, I was. Trying to see if I could learn a little more about you, since you shut me down that day in the breakroom.”
Ugh.
I cringed at the reminder. “Sorry about that. It was a really stressful day, and I was on a bit of rampage.”
“It’s cool,” he said, giving me another one of his smiles. “Happens to the best of us. So… what was it, trouble in paradise?”
“Hell no,” I laughed. “Just… life, I guess. Dealing with my son’s father.”
“Yeah, that’s right, you have kids.”
I shook my head. “No, just one kid. A teenager, actually. Which still sounds completely crazy to say out loud.”
“I know,” he nodded. “I actually have a daughter, just turned ten. It seems nuts to me that she’ll be a teenager in a few years, when it feels like she was just a baby.”
“Oh, I definitely know that feeling,” I smiled.
For a few moments, we were quiet as we kept setting up, but then Marshall spoke again. “So… are you still with your son’s father?”
My eyes opened a little wider at the question, but I shook my head. “Uhh…no. What about you?”
“Nah. Never could seem to get it together, and then she moved to be closer to her family. We split custody of Gabi.” Again, neither of us said anything, until he put down the bottle of clipper oil in his hand, and approached me. “So… the reason I asked is because I wanted to be sure I wasn’t stepping on anybody’s toes if I were to ask you again. I feel like my timing might be slightly better this round,” he chuckled, and I smiled back.
I hadn’t been immune before, and I wasn’t immune now – Marshall was a very handsome man. Tall, chocolate, with gorgeous long locs that I bet he didn’t leave loose while he played basketball. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t hesitate to let him take me out, to have a chance to know him better, figure out if he was worth the effort.
Hell… there was no reason to hesitate now.
So instead of playing coy… “No. meaning, no, you wouldn’t be stepping on any toes, not “no” to your timing. Your timing is pretty perfect, actually.”
He grinned, and took my favorable reaction as an opportunity to step closer. “Well that’s good to hear. So… you think you’d be interested in maybe having dinner? Drinks?”
“Yes. I would be interested… are you asking?”
A smile spread across his lips, and he swiped a hand over his face. “I… yes, I am. You’re making me nervous and I’m messing it up.”
“I’m making you nervous?” I giggled. “How in the world am I making you nervous?”
“Well, I find you… incredibly attractive,” he explained. “And I also know that you have the ability to deliver a verbal lashing, which adds to the attraction, but also scares me a little bit, so it’s a balancing act,” he finished, with a teasing glint in his eyes.
I propped my hands on my hips. “Oh well, I get that, cause you should definitely be scared,” I told him, and he bit his lip.
“Duly noted. Let’s exchange numbers so we can work out the timing, and I’ll put some plans together for us. Sound good?”
I smiled. “Yes. Sounds perfect.”
Those words were barely off my lips when the door opened, and one of the production assistants led our styling assistants in. From there, it was time to get busy, but internally, a little of the weight I’d been carrying was lifted.
Perspective, shifted.
&
“So how did it go?”
I grinned as Kyle moved past me into the apartment, with no real greeting or anything, just that urgent question. When he’d texted me earlier, asking how the shoot went, I’d given him a cryptic, “It was interesting. I’ll tell you more later.” instead of just coming out with the fact that…
“It was amazing,” I gushed, squealing as he pulled me into a hug, lifting me off the ground a little.
“That’s what’s up!” He put me down, then took off his shoes to leave at the door. “Why are you being all secretive and shit, tell me what happened!”
“So much!” I joined him on the couch, sitting on the opposite end. “It was super intense, doing the whole video, with so many different takes, two different looks, in one day. The energy was so high, so much movement, so much work. I’m so glad I kept tomorrow completely free, because I may still be high on adrenaline now, but tomorrow… I’m gonna be done for.”
Kyle grinned. “But you feel good though, right?”
“I feel fantastic! I got so many compliments, and all my girls looked so good. I cannot wait to see the finished product. Can’t wait for everybody to see it!”
When I looked back at Kyle, he wasn’t saying anything, just staring at me with strange smile on his face.
“What?” I asked, nudging him with my foot. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just… dope as hell to see you all happy and gushy and shit like this about work. That very first night I came over here, you were telling me how you didn’t think this was your passion, but I’m looking at the light in your eyes right now and… I’on know B, you might be coming into it, you know? Like maybe you just hadn’t found the sweet spot yet, if that makes sense.”
I tipped my head to the side. “Hmm. I… I think it actually does. I mean, this could honestly just be adrenaline from moving all day, but it definitely feels different. Like when I was in there, delegating to my assistants, and transforming a blowout to a wash and go, and giving creative input on certain styles, and helping match hair to the outfit, and coordinating with the makeup artists, it was just… I felt right, you know?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I do. And I’m happy as hell for you that you’re getting to experience that feeling, cause… damn. There’s nothing else like it, you know?”
“I do now.”
He smiled at me, and I smiled back, thi
nking of the other interesting thing that had happened. The TV was still on ESPN from before Scott had picked Zion up, and something on the highlights caught Kyle’s attention, which gave me a little chance to think. Suddenly, I felt nervous at the prospect of telling him about Marshall, but I quickly tamped it down. That was the “more than friends” crap coming out.
As much as Kyle had told me about him and Audrey during the interludes between us being all over each other, as much as I’d seen him flirt at the bar, etc, surely I could open my mouth to tell one of my own tales too.
“So… you remember I told you that there was a barber who got promoted at the same time I did, right?”
Kyle didn’t look away from the TV, but nodded. “Yeah, I remember that.”
“Okay, so… he was there at the shoot today.”
“Oh that’s cool. So you didn’t have to handle the clippers that much.”
“No, I didn’t. But umm… he asked me out.”
Kyle’s head turned immediately, gaze connecting with mine. “Oh. What’d you say?”
I shrugged, something about the look on his face prompting me to play it down. “I said yes. I mean… why not, right? One date doesn’t really mean anything.”
He scoffed. “That’s one way to look at it.”
My eyebrows came together in confusion, and I sat up a little more. “Okay… what is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing, I guess. Like your date.”
There was a harshness to his tone that he’d never used with me before, not even when he’d been trying to get me to snap out of a funk. I couldn’t keep the concerned frown off my face as I moved to my knees on the couch, moving closer to him.
“Uh, you care to tell me what the sudden attitude is about?” I asked. “I hope you’re not thinking this means anything has to change between us. I mean… it’s just a date, not like anything serious.”
Kyle leaned his head back on the couch, and let out a snort of humorless laughter. “Wow. Right. So… that’s how you see me too, huh? Not good enough to date, but you’ll fuck me while you wait for the nigga who is?”
The Lies: The Lies We Tell About Love, Life, and Everything in Between Page 15
