Instead of saying anything, I pulled her back into my arms, and she rested her head against my chest.
Speaking of things feeling organic.
I didn’t want to corroborate what she’d said, but she was right – this wasn’t supposed to happen, not from what we’d initially claimed as a one-time thing. Neither of us had been in the market for whatever this had turned into, but… we were here now.
“B, do you trust me?” I asked, pulling back to cup her face in my hands. When her eyebrows bunched in confusion, I clarified, “I’m asking because… if you trust me as your friend, I need you to extend that a little further. Give me a chance to be more than that.”
Her mouth fell open. “I… you mean like… me and you, as a for real… thing?”
I chuckled. “Yeah.”
“Oh. Um…” She pushed out a sigh. “Kyle… you realize I’ve never really… I don’t have… the longest, most serious relationship I’ve ever been in was in high school. I don’t know how to be a girlfriend.”
“So we have something in common then, cause I don’t know how to be a girlfriend either.”
She laughed, swatting me on the arm. “I’m being serious. This is uncharted water for me.”
“We’ll be fine.”
“You remember I have a kid, right? Stretchmarks? Thigh jiggle?”
“We’ll be fine.”
“And the mood swings. You didn’t forget?”
“We will be fine.”
“I have a smart ass mouth, and I can be selfish sometimes.”
“No, really?”
“I’m bitter dot com about my son’s father.”
“You? Naaah, I don’t believe that.”
“Kyle!”
“What?” I laughed.
She let out this defeated sound, and her shoulders sank. “I’m being serious. All of those things, plus some others, are reasons that it hasn’t worked out with other people, over and over.”
“You gonna tell me why I should give a damn about that though?”
“So you’ll know what you’re getting into.”
I waved that bullshit off. “I know what I’m getting into, B. I think I have a pretty good handle on who you are, and what you’re about. So excuse me if I can’t find any fucks to give about what happened with the dudes before me. This is me and you. Nobody else.”
She stared at me for several seconds, not looking away until the slightest little quiver started at her bottom lip. “You’re gonna make me cry again.”
“Nooo,” I laughed. “Don’t do that shit,” I said, pulling her into another hug. “No tears. We’re good. I’ve got you. I swear I do, aiight?”
She nodded against my chest as her arms went around my waist again. I felt the shift, from that awkward place we’d been in for the last few days, back to our natural cadence, and it felt good. This felt real.
Definitely not the right time to tell her I didn’t know what the hell I was doing either.
&
“We can do this all day, my guy. I got nothing but time.”
I wonder if he knew I was bluffing?
In any case, KJ seemed completely unmoved by my declaration that we would sit there at the table until he ate something green from his plate, probably because we both knew I couldn’t back it up.
His mother was on the way.
“Look, just eat four cucumber slices, and we’ll call it good, okay?” I bargained, and he shook his head.
“Cucumbers are gross,” he signed, and I shook my head.
“No they aren’t. You like pickles, and cucumbers are pickles.”
“No they aren’t.”
“Yes they are. They’re the same thing,” I signed back, and a little grin spread across his face.
“So can I have pickles instead?”
“You aren’t slick boy,” I said out loud, trying my best not to laugh. The doorbell rang, and I got up, leaving him at the table with his plate. He’d practically inhaled the chicken and brown rice, but as usual, hadn’t touched the salad other than picking off the tomatoes to eat.
When I opened the door for Audrey, the first thing I noticed was that she looked exhausted. I knew she’d had to shift her schedule to accommodate a few of her physical therapy patients, and it seemed like it was taking a toll.
“KJ, go get your bag,” I called to him, then turned back to her. “You okay?”
She nodded, but it honestly looked like she was barely keeping her eyes open. “Yeah. Just tired. I know exactly what I’m doing when I get home. Shower, wine, bed.”
“You know you don’t have to take him tonight, if you need some time. I don’t mind switching it up.”
She shook her head. “No, it’s fine. I’ll have him until Thursday, and then you’ll have him through the weekend. That was the plan this week, so… we’ll stick to it.”
“Okay. You sure you don’t need any help getting him home?”
“Nah, I drove today, thank God. I don’t think I could get myself home otherwise, let alone myself and a four year old. But I appreciate the offer. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
After that, we both turned towards KJ’s room, saying nothing as we waited for him to come out. This was the most cordial interaction we’d had in weeks, and… I don’t know. Something didn’t feel right about it. No snarky remarks, no petty jabs, no insults…
Something was up with her.
“So… you gonna tell me what’s up with you or not? And don’t say you’re just tired. It’s more than that, and you know it.”
She blew out a sigh that made loose tendrils from her ponytail go floating upwards. “Fine,” she said, then turned to me, arms crossed as she rested back against the wall. “Matt and I broke up.”
“Oh. Damn,” I said, leaning into the opposite wall. I hadn’t been expecting that. “When?”
She turned her gaze back down the hallway like she was looking for KJ, but I had a feeling she was just trying to avoid eye contact. “Yesterday. I… did not get any sleep last night because of it.”
“You want me to kick his ass?” I asked, and she smiled, a little bit.
“Would you really?”
I shrugged. “Maybe. Depending on what he did. You know I’m not with the bullshit.”
She turned back to me, and nodded. “Yeah, I know. But… it wasn’t him.”
My eyebrows went up. “Really.”
“Yep. Really.” She let out a short laugh, and then, “You know how somebody will break up with you, and they’re all, “It’s not you, it’s me”?”
I grunted. “Yeah. I’ve delivered that line a time or twenty, and I’m sure you have too.”
“Well, maybe turnabout is fair play, because Matt… did not even pretend that it wasn’t me. It was definitely me. And… he did not mince words about it. He, and I quote, was “sick of playing second fiddle to an unemployed ex-athlete whose career had to have been mediocre at best”.”
I put a hand to my chest. “Damn,” I chuckled. “That’s how he really felt?”
“I guess so,” Audrey said, shaking her head. “And it didn’t help that I was like, “but he owns his own business, and has a damn championship ring.” Of course, he saw that as me defending you, rather than correcting him, which to his mind, further drove home his point. His… admittedly accurate point.”
I smirked. “Which was?”
“That the only reason I was acting such a fool with, and about you, was because… I’m not over it. He thinks I’m either just stuck on you and can’t let it go, or I still want you, and either way… he’s done.”
“Damn.”
“Right?” After a few seconds, she huffed. “It’s fine though. The sex was bland anyway.”
“Well I knew that shit from the beginning,” I laughed, which made her laugh too.
I blinked, and next thing I knew she was right in front of me, hands at the waistband of my sweats as she looked up, lip pulled between her teeth. “You know… if you wanted to make me feel
better, you could remind me what I’ve been missing this last few months.”
I caught her by the wrists, keeping her hands from traveling further. “Audrey… we said we weren’t going to take it there anymore.”
“So? We said it five hundred times before that too,” she replied, trying to free her hands.
I gently pushed her away from me before I released her hands. “Yeah. This time, I was serious. We can’t keep going in this circle.”
“Before you found out about Matt, you said you wanted to make it work with me.”
“That was then,” I said.
She scoffed. “It was two months ago, Kyle, how much can your feelings have changed?”
“A lot.” After I said that, her head tilted to the side like she was confused, so I elaborated. “I… am seeing someone,” I told her, even though that development wasn’t even a whole day old.
After our little therapy session at my studio, we’d both had to get back to responsibility. Our plans were to meet up after I’d seen KJ off with Audrey, so we could get back to the… other… things we’d missed during our misunderstanding.
“Wow,” she whispered, putting a hand over her mouth. “Well… this is pretty damn embarrassing.”
“Audrey, I—”
“Don’t,” she said, holding up that same hand to stop me. “It’s fine. What in the world is KJ doing that it’s taking him so long to get his bag? I need to go.”
I glanced down the hall. “Let me go see. I’ll get him.”
As soon as I was out of earshot, I let out a heavy sigh. I could’ve done without this conversation, but it was probably necessary, at this point, for us to have.
When I peeked into KJ’s room, I shook my head. He’d fallen asleep in the middle of the floor, his favorite blanket tucked halfway into the backpack he took back and forth. I looked back down the hall to see Audrey wiping her eyes, which set off an internal groan.
I wasn’t trying to hurt her feelings, but I also was not about to mess the brand new thing I had going with Brandi up.
“So,” I called out as I headed toward her, giving her the heads up that I was coming. She quickly turned away, scrubbing her hands over her face. “KJ is passed out. Why don’t you just leave him here tonight, and I’ll get him to school tomorrow, and you can pick him up from there. Have some time to yourself?”
She shook her head. “So you’re screwing somebody Kyle, what’s new?” she asked, completely ignoring what I’d said to her. “You’re always screwing someone, so what’s the difference? What does that have to do with anything?”
Here we go with this shit again.
“It’s not about me screwing her, Audrey. It’s serious.”
She rolled her eyes. “Is this your way of getting me back about Matt? Cause if so, bravo, this is really messed up.”
“It was nothing to do with getting you back for anything. When have I ever been on any shit like that? It has nothing to do with you, period. It’s about me. It’s about being able to move forward, without the judgment and shit.”
“Judgement, or the goddamned truth? Don’t play with me, cause I’ll take you somewhere you don’t want to go,” she snapped.
My whole damn face screwed up at that. “Nah, Audrey. Let’s go, since you obviously want to so bad. You think I don’t know the bullshit I did? That it was wrong? We got together when I was twenty years old, a kid. I was trifling, and it was fucked up. But I am not a twenty-year old kid anymore, and I am sick to death of people treating me like I am.”
“Because you still act like it! Sleeping with any damned thing that moves.”
I sucked my teeth. “According to who? That’s some bullshit that you think, and it doesn’t have any basis in anything near the truth.”
“Kyle, I’d need both of our fingers, and maybe some of KJ’s to count just the number of women I know you’ve slept with!”
“We’ve known each other twelve damn years, and no, I have not been a stranger to casual sex in that time.”
“See?!”
I shrugged. “What exactly are you proving? That you’ve been too far in my damn business for years? Congratulations on that.”
“What I’m proving is that you’re not this “good” guy you try to act like.”
“Based on what?”
“You cheated on me!”
“And I apologized!” I shot back. “Over, and over, and over, and I don’t know what else you’re looking for, for some shit that happened ten years ago, Audrey! We broke up, and two years later you came back. Said you were over it, wanted to try again. I loved your ass, so I was with it, but we couldn’t even keep it together through your damn pregnancy.”
“Because you couldn’t keep your dick to yourself,” she muttered, and I shook my head.
“You know damn well that’s not true. I said I wouldn’t do it again, and I didn’t.”
She rolled her eyes. “And why the hell should I believe anything out of your mouth, “Mr. Not a Stranger to Casual Sex?”
“That’s a good ass question, Audrey? If you don’t trust me, why are we doing this? Why do we keep doing this? Why not just write me off as somebody else’s problem and call it a damn day?”
“Because you won’t leave it alone! How the hell am I ever supposed to get over it, when you won’t leave me alone?!”
“Nah,” I backed up, shaking my head. “I’ll take the blame for breaking the trust between us, Audrey, I’ll do that. But what we’re not about to do, is put this cycle just at my feet, like you didn’t try to grab my dick ten minutes ago. I’m trying to leave the shit alone. For ten years, ever since we broke up, we’ve been trying to put a square peg in a round hole and it’s just time to stop.”
“So it’s my fault?” she snapped.
“Nope. It’s both of our faults. You know what – I don’t even think we’ve actually wanted each other in a long ass time. We’re just hooked on this bullshit. And I swear, I’m not trying to hurt you any more than I have, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this addiction keep me from something that’s supposed to be. And you shouldn’t either. It’s done. No more bullshit.”
She looked at me for a long time, then shook her head. “Whatever, Kyle. I’ll get KJ from daycare tomorrow, and you can get him Friday instead of Thursday, since he’s staying overnight tonight. Cool?”
“Cool.”
She sucked her teeth one more time and then she was out the door, slamming it behind her. I hated – for real hated – that there was still that animosity between us, but… I didn’t know what else there was to try.
Over the years, every time we tried to make it work, it devolved into the same accusations that she’d hurled in my face today, that I was sleeping with any and everybody, which was never true. I hadn’t been a saint by any means, but after we broke up that first time, I’d promised her I wouldn’t cheat again.
I didn’t break promises.
But she never believed it.
She’d broken up with me countless times because she swore I was lying, and I’d broken up with her countless times because she swore I was lying. I broke the trust initially, and had nobody else to blame for that, but if we were never going to move past that… what were we doing at all?
At some point, we had to accept that it was insurmountable. We were only trying to make it work to be able to say we had, not because either of us really wanted it. My latest – but not first - moment of realization had been months ago, and maybe developing the relationship with Brandi had been the thing to make it stick. I’d hoped that Matt, despite my personal feelings about him, could’ve been that person for Audrey, the one to make her realize there was better out there for her than a man she couldn’t trust.
Hell, I was the man and I didn’t even want that shit for her.
But apparently… Matt wasn’t it.
In any case… I couldn’t dwell on that. I couldn’t force her to do anything – Audrey would have to come to her realization by herself.
In th
e meantime… I had to get KJ off the floor and into bed, and let Brandi know I had to cancel our plans, and explain what had happened.
I just hoped she trusted it.
{nine} her lies
I woke up in Kyle’s arms, expecting to feel different.
For a whole week, I’d been waiting on some major shift, now that we’d moved into something more “official”. I looked forward to it. Craved it.
When was it going to happen?
When would I wake up in the morning not feeling as if there were nothing in the world for me to smile about, as if joy would always be just out of my reach, as if happiness were something I was destined to watch others experience, but never feel for myself?
Apparently, not today.
I turned over to face him, even though I couldn’t see him in the dark. He was sleeping hard, after getting off a plane just a few hours ago. His father’s good friend had passed away, and Kyle accompanied him to the funeral. When he got back into town, he hadn’t wanted to go home. He wanted to come to me.
That should’ve made me happy.
It made me feel like shit that it didn’t make me happy, and it was really starting to seem like nothing would.
Seriously.
My family was great. My friends were great. My job was great. My love life… I let out a sigh as I tucked my arms under my head, watching Kyle as he slept. As much as I had my little reservations about making a relationship work, the last week had done a lot to dispel my self-imposed angst. We’d been lovers, and we’d been friends. Being “together” wasn’t that different, honestly. Of course I knew just one week would in no way set the standard, but still. It gave me hope, which was a word I would never have used in the context of my own romantic relationships.
It was nice.
It was… great.
Logically, I knew that.
But still.
It didn’t change how I felt, which was… a little like I didn’t deserve this.
The Lies: The Lies We Tell About Love, Life, and Everything in Between Page 18
