I crawled out of bed and wrapped the bedsheet around me carefully at the same time. I’m not usually the modest type, but just springing out of bed naked was beyond even my exhibitionism. After all, Cole had clothes on. He looked disappointed at my modesty.
We ended up sitting on the couch to eat our breakfast. I snuggled up under Cole’s arm and he squeezed me around the waist. “This is nice,” I told him. “I like this.”
“I could get used to this, too,” he replied. “You look cute in the morning.”
Considering that I hadn’t taken my makeup off the night before, I probably looked like a greasy raccoon from the smeared mascara, but I decided to accept the complement graciously. “Thanks. You look cute in the morning, too.”
“Do you have to work today?” Cole asked.
I nodded. “I have to work twice as much when Ward isn’t around.”
“Can I see you tonight?” His expression was hopeful, and I hated to squash it.
“I have to work until close.”
“After that?”
“Unfortunately, ‘after that’ will be about three-thirty a.m.”
He seemed totally undeterred. “Do you want me to drop you off and pick you up?”
“I said three-thirty a.m. not p.m.”
“Yeah I know.” He grinned at me. “I really want to see you.”
My heart fluttered. “Oh. Ok.”
I could hardly believe this was happening to me at last. Cole wanted me. We’d had sex and he still wanted me. This was real. I had to admit it to myself. I’d been holding myself in reserve for so long that it was hard to admit the truth to myself, but I couldn’t help but see this for what it was. I was in love with him. And it seemed like he was in love with me, too. For the first time, I started to imagine a future for myself that had him in it. And it was beautiful.
Lily came into the bar with Ivan around three that afternoon. They were ostensibly there to watch the soccer game with some of their European friends, but Lily came looking for me almost immediately.
“Alright, I’m going to need a full update on your new man,” she said.
Lucas, who was sitting a few seats down the bar, turned to look at us. I cringed, and then realized that had probably given me away even worse. He turned away again, hiding a smile.
Crap. Well, that’s another person who knows.
Cole had shared with me the details of the conversation he’d had with Willie, as well as the obnoxious journalist Eddie. Telling Ward the truth was pretty much our only option at this point, because it seemed like the entire rest of the world now already knew.
Lily was still staring at me expectantly. “Hello,” she prompted, leaning over the bar to poke me on the arm, “Kate? Are you ok?”
“Sorry,” I replied with a small smile, “let me grab a couple of drinks that need to go out and then we’ll catch up in fifteen minutes?”
Lily nodded. “Ok. Meet outside?”
“Ok.”I spent the next fifteen minutes desperately trying to organize my thoughts. When I got outside to meet Lily, however, all that came out was, “I’m in love.”
Lily grinned at me. “That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you.” She hugged me, and I hugged her back with a giddy feeling in my chest.
“I never thought it could be like this,” I admitted to her. “I mean, I know I’ve liked guys before, but it’s never been so… intense. All I can think about is Cole.”
“His name is Cole?”
“Cole Rylander. He’s actually a very good friend of Ward’s.”
Lily’s expression turned from elated to guarded in a flash. “Wait a moment,” she said, “is this…that guy? You know, from your freshman year?”
I’m not sure why it made me feel embarrassed to admit that it was, but my nod was small and hesitant. Lily digested this new information with a carefully neutral look on her pretty features.
“Does he know what he put you through back then?”
“It wasn’t his fault.”
“But does he know?”
I shook my head. “No. And I’m not sure that I want him to.” I was still somewhat embarrassed by the whole thing. Both the fact that I’d been in love with him, and the fact that we hooked up in a way that probably meant nothing to him but everything to me. He’d been my first, and it had been special to me. Even if it was only special to me. I wasn’t going to let anything tarnish that night for me.
“He doesn’t know that he was your first?”
“I mean, maybe he figured it out back then and just didn’t mention it.”
“Please. He was what? Twenty-one? Guys that age fuck like rhinoceroses.”
They fuck like rhinoceroses? That was unpleasant mental image. Cole had not fucked like a rhinoceros. He’d been perfectly lovely, thank you very much.
“Huh?”
“They lack finesse,” she clarified. “He wouldn’t have known if you didn’t tell him. It’s not like he could see your hymen or anything.”
“He didn’t hurt me.” I probably sounded defensive.
Lily’s doubtful face was her reply.
I amended my reply to be clearer. “He didn’t physically hurt me. I swear.”
Lily took a sip of her beer before replying, and the look she gave me over the rim was resolute. “I think you need to tell him everything. You need to tell him how much you cared about him back then. You need to tell him how much he hurt you when he rejected you. You need to tell him that you had a seriously downward mental health spiral. And you definitely, definitely, need to tell him you were a virgin when you slept together.”
I hung my head. “Why?” The guilt had begun to eat at me already but telling him meant admitting so much weakness on my part. I’d gotten this far without telling him. Why rock the boat?
“Because if you love him, you owe it to him to be honest. Don’t you think?”
I sighed. Lily was right, as usual. My head had started to hurt, and I pinched the bridge of my nose. I was definitely going to need an aspirin to make it through this entire shift. The next twelve hours were going to be hard.
“So, will you tell him?” Lily pushed.
“Yeah.”
“Ok, good,” she said, brightening. She hugged me again and the light was back in her green eyes. “I’m glad you’ve found someone that you really like.”
I had been walking on air, but heading back into the busy bar, I now felt like my feet were made of lead. I wanted to tell Cole the truth, I really did. I just wanted to protect myself from humiliation and hurt more. The thought of telling him everything was terrifying. At least I had twelve whole hours to figure it out.
34
Cole
Six years ago…
When I woke up the day after the party, I felt more conflicted than I’d ever been in my entire life. I wanted to talk to Kate so badly that I found myself composing texts to her and then deleting them all morning long. A cold shower didn’t help. A cup of coffee didn’t help. Sitting alone in my room, staring at the wall for an hour definitely didn’t help. Eventually I had to talk to someone or I was going to go crazy. Ward obviously wasn’t an option, so it would have to be Lucas.
“I need to talk to you,” I told him, barging into his room and closing the door behind me. He looked up from his book in surprise and alarm.
“Ward ate it,” he said instantly. “It was Ward and not me.”
“What?” I was confused.
“Whatever it was that you had in the fridge, Ward ate it,” he repeated.
He thought I was angry with him over leftovers?
I shook my head at him and laughed. “No, man. This…this isn’t about food. At all.”
Lucas’ defensiveness faded. “Oh.” He smirked. “What’s up then?” His voice was much friendlier now. I sunk down into the free chair next to his desk.
I took a deep breath and opened my mouth. No words came out save a strange, strangled noise. Lucas blinked at me, visibly confused. I frowned and tried again. Silence. Lucas’
confusion turned to worry. “Are you having a stroke?” he asked, looking around like he was wondering if he should call 911.
On my third try, I was able to speak. “I had sex with Kate Williams at a party last night,” I managed to whisper. “On the golf course.” I don’t know why I felt like that detail was important, but it was.
Lucas closed his book with a surprised pop. “Dude,” he whispered back.
“I know.”
“Duuuude.”
“I know.”
We communicated a surprising amount with such insipid conversation. Lucas stared at me with disbelief and concern in his hazel eyes. There was a small ring of white all the way around his pupils. Finally, he shook his head at me, sending his too-long sandy hair flying around his face. He set his book down on the table in front of him and swallowed hard.
“Why? Why would you do that?” He spread his long-fingered hands in front of him.
“Because I like her.” My reply was quiet. It was the truth. I did like Kate. I adored her. She was incredible and beautiful, and I wanted nothing more than to make her happy. She’d looked so sad when I saw her at the party and I remembered that Ward said she loved me and then my hormones got the better of me and… it just happened. I didn’t say all that to Lucas. I probably couldn’t have even if I tried. Expressing my feelings had never been easy and Lucas and I didn’t talk that way with each other.
“You shouldn’t have touched her.” Lucas looked completely horrified by my impulsive behavior.
“It’s too late to change anything now.” I felt compelled to at least defend myself a little bit. “I didn’t take advantage of her in any way. I didn’t pressure her. I’m not going to regret it.” I was making up my mind as I was talking, but I couldn’t bring myself to regret my time with her on the golf course that night. I still had her pack of cigarettes and lighter in my jeans pocket. They were disgusting, and I’d never smoke them, but there was no way I could throw them away either. They were the only tangible things I had to remind myself of Kate. Unless you counted the grass stains on the knees of my jeans. Or the hickey on my neck.
“You can’t see her again,” Lucas said. His voice was firm, and I knew he thought he was right.
“I don’t plan to,” It hurt to admit it, but I knew that it was probably the only way forward. Nothing had changed. Not really. I dragged a hand through my hair in frustration.
“You’re falling in love with her,” Lucas realized in a shocked whisper. “With Kate-fucking-Williams. This isn’t about sex, is it? This is about love. That’s so fucked up.” His expression turned to genuine pity and he paused for a long moment when I didn’t deny it. “God, I’m really sorry,” he told me, “but don’t let this destroy everything. You have a shot at the NFL. If Ward breaks your kneecaps, or if you fall in love with some girl and get distracted, or both, you’ll blow your shot. You know I’m right.”
Our coaches were always telling us versions of the same thing. Sleeping around was expected although not encouraged, but falling in love was a distraction we could not afford. Rationally, I knew that the advice was solid. My future was at stake.
Because rationally I knew there was no chance I could date someone while giving one hundred percent on the field. Maybe some guys in different situations could, but not me. Football demanded everything I had to give. My time. My body. My concentration. Everything. There was no room in my life for anything, or anyone else.
Now that I was close to graduation, and closer every day to the NFL draft, I couldn’t waiver in my commitment. Right now, I needed to be at the gym. Not here, talking to Lucas, but lifting or running on the treadmill. Ward was already there, I was sure of it.
“But maybe—” I started, and Lucas interrupted.
“No!” He barked. “You aren’t going to see her again. You aren’t going to talk to her again. You have a shot at your dream. You have a shot at my dream. I’m not going to let you wreck it—or your friendship with Ward.” His voice was venomous.
Lucas hadn’t mentioned his heart murmur or his aborted sports career in a long time. I’d thought he was completely over the disappointment. But the bitterness and anger in his voice proved that wasn’t remotely true. He was still resentful over his misdiagnosis, even now.
I didn’t know what to say after Lucas’ deeply out-of-character outburst. We just stared at one another in what I think was mutual disbelief. Lucas looked surprised at himself, too. But he didn’t apologize for it. Instead, he continued.
“If you don’t promise me right now that you’ll leave Kate Williams alone, I’m going to march down to the gym and tell Ward everything,” he threatened. “I’m doing this for your own good, and you know it.” He looked as determined as I’d ever seen him. Usually Lucas followed up anything serious with a sarcastic remark or a joke. Not this time. This time his ultimatum was final.
The sad thing, the frustrating thing, the worst thing, was that Lucas was one hundred percent right. He was doing this for my own good. Not for himself, because his hope of football greatness was gone forever, but because he knew it was my dream and didn’t want me to lose it. Fundamentally, Lucas was a good friend and a good person. I was lucky to have him in my corner, even though at that moment, I hated his fucking guts and wanted to murder him.
But I wasn’t really the violent type. I was the reasonable type. The realistic type. The type that listened to good advice when it was given to me. So, with reluctance, I hung my head and promised Lucas that I wouldn’t see, talk, or touch Kate Williams again.
35
Cole
I hadn’t expected to hear from Ward that day, since he was supposed to be in Plano, so I was really surprised when he showed up at my hotel about halfway through the afternoon.
“Hey man,” I said guiltily from the door of my hotel room. “What’s up?”
Ward was carrying a football in one hand and a newspaper in the other. He threw the paper at my chest. I caught it with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I barely even needed to look.
“Take a peek,” he said, and waited a moment while I obediently turned the paper to see the text. It was the social page of a local paper called The Community. The headline read ‘Breeding the Next Generation of Texas Football?”. The picture that accompanied it was unpleasantly familiar. Eddie had either found another job, or at least a buyer for his salacious story. I swallowed hard.
“Oh,” I managed.
“Oh, is right,” Ward replied snidely. “Put on your shoes,” he ordered me, “we’re gonna’ go play some catch and talk.”
Catch and talk. That wasn’t threatening. Right?
I complied, because I wasn’t sure what else to do. In uncomfortable, absolute silence, I put on my socks and shoes and followed Ward out of the hotel and across the street to the small park. My head was spinning the entire time. This wasn’t how I wanted Ward to find out. I’d taken steps to ensure that it wouldn’t be. If I’d thought I was the luckiest guy in the world last night, now I was fairly sure I was the world’s most unlucky. This situation was going to be very difficult to explain.
Ward threw the football at me from about thirty feet away and I caught it before returning the throw. We were too close to really stretch either of us from a physical perspective, but at least at this distance we could talk—well, yell at one another.
Whoosh. Thud. Whoosh. Thud. We weren’t doing a lot of communicating.
“How long?” Ward asked eventually. Whoosh. Thud. Whoosh.
“Not long.” Thud. Whoosh.
Thud. “How long?” Whoosh. Harder this time.
Thud. I stumbled back a foot. He still has a hell of an arm on him, and he knew it. He smirked in satisfaction. “Only about a week,” I answer. Whoosh.
Thud. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Whoosh.
Thud. “Kate didn’t want to.” Whoosh.
Thud. Ward looked surprised. “Why?” Whoosh.
Thud. He was throwing quite a bit harder now. He was showing his strength on purpose.
I back up a few feet to soften the blow on my hands when I pluck the ball out of the air. I should have worn gloves. “She didn’t want you to be angry.” I threw the ball gently, barely hard enough to make it to Ward.
He caught it with as much disgust as a person could catch a football. “Why would I be angry, do you think?” Whoosh. He used way too much power. The ball flew above my head and I had to jump about two feet off the ground to grab it.
“I think you need to ask her that.” I was starting to get annoyed with Ward. He might be able to throw a football a lot harder than me, but he couldn’t run and jump worth shit any more. Whoosh. I threw it with all my strength.
Thud. Ward grabbed the ball like I’d fucking rolled it to him. How was he still in such good shape? “I’m asking you,” he said. “The guy who’s spent the last few years banging model after starlet. Never getting serious and never settling down. Playing the field like he was playing the field. I’m asking you.” Whoosh.
Thud. “I was just doing what my publicist told me to do. I was never into those women. It was all just casual, and more business than personal. Even so…” Whoosh.
Thud. “That’s really irrelevant.” Whoosh.
Thud. “I agree. You brought it up.” Whoosh.
Thud. “Well why would Kate want to keep it quiet then?” Whoosh.
I considered throwing a long pass and seeing if he’d go limping for it, but that would be cruel. Instead, I threw the ball on the ground. “Kate wanted it to be a secret. I wanted to tell you from the start.” Fuck it, I thought to myself. Might as well be honest. “I wanted to tell you back in college. I’ve been in love with her forever.”
Ward paused. “You… what?” He blinked at me and seemed seriously like he was wondering if he’d misheard me. His blue eyes, so much like Kate’s, had gone wide in shock. He couldn’t raise a single eyebrow, so he had to raise both. My answer came spilling out of me in a crazed rush.
“I’m in love with Kate. I’ve been in love with her since I saw her again when she was a freshman. Obviously, we couldn’t be together back then, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t crazy about her. I’m not going to give up on her just because you don’t like it, either.” I was practically begging him to believe me, and from the look on his face, he knew it.
Kiss Me Like You Missed Me Page 17
