by W. J. May
‘No, my love,’ Arys’s honey sweet voice came from the shadows of my mind. ‘He chose this death. He doesn’t even struggle.’
Arys was right. Raoul clung to that stupid wolf as if he were a boy and his dog, stroking her black fur, so like his own.
I whimpered and growled, unable to watch this without being able to act. A key player in my life, no matter how positive or negative, was dying before my eyes. I couldn’t do this. Zoey had to die.
“Alexa, don’t.” Shaz’s command was softly spoken but a command nonetheless.
Shaz stood behind me as if he’d grab my tail to hold me back. I didn’t give that wolf enough credit for how well he knew me. “It’s not your fight anymore. It’s over now.”
How could it be over? The bitch was lying in a pool of blood and still wasn’t dead. In seconds, Raoul’s body went limp, his hands relaxed in Zoey’s fur.
My continuous growl became a snarl when she struggled to her feet, leaving Raoul face down in the broken glass. She stank of blood and death. My every instinct demanded that I finish her off.
“She’s not going to make it far,” Jez came to stand next to me, and I longed for my human voice. “Let her go.”
Were they all completely mad? This was insanity. I looked to Arys for support but he gave no indication as to what he thought was best.
‘I can’t let her walk off this property alive,’ I conveyed.
‘That’s your decision to make, but she’ll be dead before she reaches the edge of town.’
I couldn’t stop the snarling and snapping at the air. I was infused with this hate that filled me to capacity. My very nature demanded that I kill her after everything she’d done.
Zoey met my eyes with a look of clear understanding. She was running on borrowed time, and she knew it. Even if she survived the coming day, I would come for her.
Her muzzle was matted with Raoul’s blood. One leg dragged awkwardly behind her, and she was a mass of cuts. The few steps down to the grass below the deck proved to be an obstacle, and she stumbled a few times while looking back at us, expecting an attack.
The battle between wolf and human raged inside me as it had so many times before. I wrestled with conflicting urges and emotions. I hated myself when she disappeared from sight.
I padded up beside Raoul, and with my muzzle in his hair, I sniffed for any sign of life. Nothing. I felt physically ill. Something broke inside of me, deep down, in a place that I hadn’t acknowledged in so long.
If this all had nothing to do with me, why did I feel like it was my fault? I should have killed her the moment I stepped in the house. I’m sorry, Raoul, I thought, Sorry it all had to end this way. If only you’d told me sooner. If Arys was aware of my thoughts, he gave no indication.
As the adrenaline began to subside, the pain reached intolerable. My side continued to trickle blood, and a wave of dizziness led the blackness to close in on me.
“Shaz,” Jez’s voice sounded so very far away. “She’s blacking out.”
I went down on my face in a slick puddle of blood and crushed glass.
Chapter Twenty
In my incoherent dreams, I saw the black wolf, the one that I so admired in my wistful youth. Images sputtered and jumped from one to another. The past flashed by, in all of its horridly disappointing glory.
I’m still not sure if it was my guilty subconscious or really Raoul, but the scent of him was so real. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to sink my fingers into his soft fur. I’d curled up against that fur when the change was still so new and surreal. I couldn’t touch it, though; my fingers went right through him when I tried.
The pain of my broken heart far surpassed that of my battered body. In my unconscious state, I mourned the loss of the black wolf as surely as if it were the loss of some great part of me. How would I go on without him?
At some point, I had the vague sensation that I was held tight in loving arms. The scent of my white wolf soothed and lulled me into deeper sleep.
I’d shifted back to my human form. I had a moment of worry as I wondered where my clothing was, but soft material wrapped around me, and the thought vanished. I allowed the scent of Shaz to comfort me as I accepted the returning darkness.
When I finally awoke, with a blinding headache, I was safe in my own bed. Shaz held my arms pinned above my head so that I couldn’t lash out at Fox as he went about cleaning and stitching my wounds. Sheets covered my breasts and pelvic region, but the rest of my lacerated body remained exposed.
The faint light of the approaching dawn cast a pretty, pink glow on Kylarai who sat at the foot of my bed. Her encouraging smile was a welcome sight.
I resisted the urge to fight off the two men that insisted on poking and prodding me. Fox was just doing what we paid him well to do, and Shaz was ensuring his safety as he did so. I let out a low moan as pain stabbed through my side. A white bandage was wound tightly around my ribs just below my breasts. I hurt when I breathed.
Ky was injured but clearly ok, which made the agony more bearable.
“You may have a concussion. Take note of any extreme headaches, vomiting or dizziness over the next day or so.” Fox’s touch was as gentle as his soft, brown eyes. This wasn’t the first time he’d tended my wounds.
“Where’s Arys?” I coughed as the words stuck in my dry throat.
When Shaz was sure I’d behave, he released my arms and handed me a glass of water from the night table. He frowned in response to my words, but I wanted to know.
“It’s sunrise,” Kylarai’s gentle voice was soothing. “He spent the last few hours cleaning up at Raoul’s. He said he’d take care of everything. No worries.” Though she directed a smile at me, her grey eyes went to Shaz in apology.
“There we go.” Fox gave a tug on the final stitch, and my stomach turned at the sensation. “No shifting for three days. You should be well enough by then.”
“Thank you, Fox,” I whispered, reaching out to accept the fuzzy blanket that Shaz drew up over me.
Fox rose to leave but paused on the threshold to the hallway. His cheeks flushed, and his eyes were downcast. “I’m sorry about Raoul. This is all very unfortunate. Call me if you need anything else at all.” Before we could reply, he ducked out of the room. His feet scuffed down the hall in his hurry to leave.
Ky made as if to follow him, but Shaz motioned for her to stay seated as he followed Fox to the front door.
“How do you feel?” I asked when we were alone. “I was worried.”
She laughed softly then winced in pain. “You were worried? This is just a flesh wound. I hear you challenged the patio door.”
“It challenged me.” I fussed with the pillow at my back, careful not to move too fast. The thought of ripped stitches was creepier than stitches in general.
“Lex,” she touched my ankle through the blanket. “What happened with Raoul … it’s not your fault.” Was my self-blame so common that it was now expected?
If I closed my eyes, I could see the ebony wolf running to take down my attacker before he could steal my innocence away. I saw him as the hero that he’d been to me as a teenage girl, a blossoming woman.
The truth was, I had indeed given myself to him, my reward to the prince who’d rescued me. It was my own youthful naivete that led to my first heartbreak. I had expected a fairytale romance, and he’d been a werewolf. He acted on instinct and accepted my gift.
I confessed none of this. I accused him of manipulating and taking advantage of me because I’d never been able to deal with being nothing more than a bedmate to him. My childish picket fence dream had gone up in smoke. It wasn’t meant to be, or at least, not for me.
But ultimately, that hadn’t been Raoul’s fault. He was the most selfish man that I knew, but he had died willingly. The paradox made my brain throb.
I accepted the hand that Ky extended to me. “I just wish we’d cleared the air.”
She nodded; she understood the absence of closure. “Arys said he’ll be
by after sunset.” She hesitated and looked at the doorway as if expecting Shaz to appear. “They got into it pretty bad. Playing the blame game. You know. Arys wanted to heal you but Shaz wouldn’t let anyone but Fox touch you.”
I sighed. There was nobody to really blame for the drama and tension between Shaz and Arys but me. How did I get myself into these situations?
“Did Kale take care of you? He better have.” I grinned when a full-fledged blush accompanied her reluctant smile.
“He was a perfect gentleman. I didn’t once get the impression that he was wondering what I taste like.”
“Oh, he was. He’s just had a few centuries to practice hiding it.”
We laughed lightly together but it was strained. Forced. I could tell that Kylarai had cried upon learning of Raoul’s death. Her eyes were bloodshot, and the tangy scent of salt lingered on her skin.
When Shaz returned, she gave my hand a warm pat before excusing herself despite my insistence that she stay. As soon as we were alone and those green eyes met mine, I started to come undone.
On the bed with me, he took my hand so that it lay clasped within his. “Are you ok, Lex?”
“Yeah, I’ll live. I promise. Don’t blame Arys. It was all circumstance.”
“That’s not what I mean.” He shook his head, causing his platinum hair to fall into his eyes just the way I loved it. “Are you ok? Do you want to talk about what happened with Raoul?”
He gave me a look that said he knew there was so much more than I’d been letting on. Tears flooded my eyes, and I made a pathetic attempt to blink them away.
“I let him die thinking I hated him.” My lower lip trembled, and I felt the sob seconds before it broke from me.
I couldn’t say anymore, and he didn’t push me. As he pulled me carefully into his arms, I sunk against his comforting embrace.
For the first time in a long time, I dropped all my guards and allowed myself to feel raw emotion as I sobbed into the hollow of his neck. So recently, I’d held Raoul in much the same way as his hot tears streaked moist paths along my skin.
I hated that I hadn’t realized. I hadn’t known it was the last time we would ever have a chance to leave our bitterness aside. Perhaps, that was our closure. If only I’d known.
The entire day passed in bed with my white wolf at my side. When Arys came by that evening, I had just convinced Shaz to go to work. I insisted a day of healing had already done wonders for me. He didn’t want to leave me, but after I promised to stay home with Kylarai, he begrudgingly went and swore that he’d be back after last call.
Arys filled me in. He’d arranged Raoul’s house to look like a break in. The authorities labeled him a missing person of interest in the murders of his lovers. They could launch a nationwide manhunt, he would never be found.
Arys grasped my chin so that I was forced to meet his eyes. I felt the quiver of power begin deep down inside.
“I know it’s my fault that you were hurt so badly. I can’t tell you how terrible I feel.” The strange silence surrounding us thickened. “Your wolf is right. I don’t deserve to have what it is we share.”
His admission, though touching, was wrong. “Arys, that’s not true. I know you’d never do anything to intentionally endanger me. I trust you.”
I realized then that we were all carrying around guilt. And whatever for? It wasn’t doing any one of us a damn bit of good.
Arys was careful not to touch me too much. His sly, mischievous tendencies were absent, and without them, his comfort felt shallow. Still, he refused to leave my side until Shaz returned.
Once Shaz’s blue Cobalt turned into the driveway, the vampire leaned in so close that I was unable to resist him. He pressed his lips firmly against mine and pushed healing energy into me as he had before.
My pulse quickened and leapt as my blood pressure rose. Our auras blended and a rejuvenating breeze swept throughout my insides. The warm tingle that began in my stomach slowly spread to encompass my entire being, and I gasped when he broke the contact and rose to leave.
“I have to go.” He looked like he wanted to stay as badly as I wanted him to. “I have to feed this bloodlust before dawn. I don’t want it to rise between you and your wolf when you’re in such a weakened state.”
“I can’t shift for three days. Promise you’ll come to me if you can’t go that long.” I could see that he was itching to go before Shaz made his way inside, but I wanted his word.
He gave a silent nod but didn’t touch me, as if he didn’t trust himself. I longed for him and the energy humming around us, so I appreciated his restraint.
“Will you come by tomorrow if I’m not up to going out?”
“I promise.” He drew an X over his heart, blew me a kiss, and disappeared through the door. His footsteps were silent as he went.
Shaz’s frown told me that he’d passed the vampire on his way in, but when I held my arms out to him, the complaint died on his lips. I needed the comfort that only came from him. I never wanted to make the mistake with Shaz that I had with Raoul by hiding my true feelings.
“I need you,” I whispered when he closed the bedroom door and turned to me. “Just hold me.”
When his warm nakedness curled around me, I snuggled in close and enjoyed the scent of Shaz and his intoxicating wolf. It was a comfort all its own.
“Never leave me.” I heard my own sleepy voice murmur the words against his ear with candid and vulnerable but honest emotion.
“Never.” His embrace tightened just enough to be possessive, and my wolf relaxed, satisfied.
I was right where I wanted to be. The world could have stopped right then, and I would have died happy.
Chapter Twenty-One
I never did find Zoey’s body. Oh, I tried. The trail ended two blocks from Raoul’s house, at the creek. Despite a vampire attack and one hell of a beating, she’d survived. I knew it.
Since that night at Raoul’s, I’ve picked up her scent more than once in the forest where we run. It’s always days old and never too strong, as if she’d been there only briefly.
Was it a taunt? An open challenge to destroy her? Or was it a desperate plea for help?
I don’t care. The need for her death is deep in me. Only the challenge in Raoul’s eyes as he lay dying stops me, though I don’t know why. I wonder all the time why he chose to give his life to her. The real estate career, fancy house and flocks of women that had ruled his existence had meant nothing in comparison to what Zoey believed.
He’d wanted her to believe in his love, and he felt the only way to show her was to give her vengeance. At the end of the day, my feelings didn’t really matter. He simply waited too long to reach out to her. But, I know all too well that the reasoning behind some of our decisions doesn’t stand to reason at all.
I was back on my feet within the three days that Fox had estimated. An ugly scar marked where the largest shard had impaled me. That, too, would eventually fade to nothing.
Over a week after Raoul’s death, Arys shared with me what he’d found. He had called for me, adamant that I come to see him at his house.
Instinct told me, without a doubt, that it was bad news. He made me promise to run first to “get the wolf out” before arriving at his place after midnight, alone. I was filled with dread, shaking all the way down to my little black sandals when I rang Arys’s doorbell.
His solemn expression did nothing to ease my anxiety. He drew me into the well-lit kitchen, took my light jacket, and offered me a hot chocolate. I couldn’t stand this beating around the bush.
“Alright, spit it out.” I tossed my hair out of my face and took a deep breath. “Whatever it is that you have to say to me, get on with it. The suspense is driving me mad.”
He wouldn’t meet my eyes, and I followed his gaze to the white envelope lying on the round, wooden kitchen table.
He picked up the envelope and fingered it lightly. “I found this in Raoul’s study, taped to the bottom of a desk drawer. I was combing the
place for anything unusual that the cops would be better off not finding.”
He paused, and I knew that he’d already read it. “It wasn’t sealed or addressed to anyone from the outside so I opened it. I have to warn you, Alexa, what you read here will change you forever.”
My mouth went dry, and I stared blankly at the stark white envelope in his hand. “Why bring me here? Why not give it to me when you came to see me?”
“I wanted to be sure you were back on your feet. This just seemed safer.”
“Why?” My heart was racing, and I was truly afraid.
“Read it. Unless you don’t want to.”
Of course, I had to. Raoul had left something for me, something, perhaps, that he’d wanted to say to me. I stared at the letter warily but accepted it from Arys’s outstretched hand.
My hands shook, and I fumbled to slip the lined paper from the envelope. As I unfolded it, a battle waged between my head and my heart. To open or not to open.
The letter was recent, dated the same day as our last real discussion. As I began to read, everything in me gradually came undone.
Alexa,
A part of me prays that you never learn of this while I live, but I fear my time will be cut short, and I cannot go to my grave with this haunting me.
I have always loved you and regard you with more respect than you will ever believe. I know that you feel little for me, and for that, I am both saddened and relieved.
After Naomi’s death, I swore never to love again. Love had become a plague to me, one that withered everything it touched. But then, I met your mother, and I loved her at first sight.
Trapped in an unhappy marriage, she came to me for the comfort and attention your father no longer gave. She grew to love me, too. Upon discovering this, your father became desperate to save their marriage. I did all that I could to hold on to her, but her vows and family came first. She soon told me it was over. I would have done anything for her. She meant so much to me, and I only wish I could have walked away and allowed her to be happy like she so deserved.
