by Duncan Ball
‘I don’t want any of that!’ Selby squealed. ‘This is stupid!’
‘If you are an extraterrestrial alien ringing, press 5—’
‘No, I’m not an extraterrestrial alien!’ Selby screamed. ‘Will you hurry up?’
‘—If you or someone you know has been abducted by extraterrestrials, press 6.’
‘Finally!’ Selby sighed, pressing the 6 button on the telephone.
‘You have now reached the Extraterrestrial Unit of the Department of Alien Enquiries’ Extraterrestrial Aliens’ Abduction Unit, or the E-U-D-A-E-E-A-A-U which is pronounced eooda-eeyau. If the person abducted was you, press 1—’
‘Oh, this is stupid!’ Selby cried. ‘Can’t I talk to a real person?’
‘—if the abductee or abductees, if there were more than one — is or are strangers, press 2—’
‘Well, no, they’re not strangers.’
‘—If they were relatives, press 3—’
‘No, they’re not relatives, for heaven’s sake. What does it matter? They’re gone and aliens have abducted them, okay? They’ll be passing Venus by now.’
‘If they were friends, press 4.’
‘That’s it!’ Selby said, pressing 4 on the telephone.
‘Extraterrestrial Unit of the Department of Alien Enquiries’ Extraterrestrial Aliens’ Abduction Unit, Friends’ Abductions Team, Fred speaking. How may I help you?’
‘Fred, you’re just the man I want. You see these people I live with —’
‘They’re not relatives, are they? If they are, I’ll have to put you in touch with our relatives’ team.’
‘No! No, Fred, hold the show. They’re definitely friends. Good friends—’
‘And you are?’
‘Selby. I mean Selwyn—’
‘Let’s stay with Selby, shall we, Mr Selby? No made up names, please.’
‘Okay, Fred, now listen carefully. Dr and Mrs Trifle of Bunya-Bunya Crescent in Bogusville — sorry, it’s now called Lamington Drive —’
‘Lamington Drive? I once organised a lamington drive —’
‘Fred! They’ve been abducted by aliens!’
‘They have? When?’
‘Last night. There’s a round burnt circle in the grass and everything!’
‘This sounds serious. We’ll be right there. In the meantime, don’t answer the phone and don’t open the door to strangers,’ Fred said. And then, just before he put the phone down Selby heard Fred say, ‘Grab your gun, Effy, this could be a real one.’
An hour later a helicopter landed in the field and two investigators — a man and a woman — got out and studied the burnt circle and Dr Trifle’s invention. Selby crept out of the house and got close enough to hear what they were saying.
‘I don’t know, Fred,’ the woman said. ‘I think it’s another hoax. It’ll be the seventh one this week.’
‘Why do you think it’s a hoax, Effy?’
‘You know that aliens program you always watch on TV?’
‘Yes?’
‘Someone told me the plot of last night’s episode this morning. It was about an inventor who disappears. There’s a burnt circle of grass from the spaceship taking off. The inventor’s invention that has S-O-T-U painted on it is left behind on the ground. It’s just like this. Someone saw last night’s episode and they’re pulling our leg.’
‘Legs, Effy. You’re so negative.’
‘Me? Negative? We’ve already had fifty hoaxes this month. We haven’t had a real alien abduction yet. Of course I’m negative.’
‘Well I have a theory about this one.’
‘What is it?’
‘It was aliens who watched that TV program last night.’
‘You mean that’s where they got the idea to abduct an inventor — from TV?’
‘Exactly.’
‘I hadn’t thought of that, Fred. Have you run a check on the Trifles?’
‘They’re real people all right, Effy. Well they were till the aliens got to them.’
‘How about this Mr Selby?’
‘Well, that’s a different matter.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Let’s leave Mr Selby out of this.’
‘Come on, Fred. Is there a Mr Selby?’
‘Yes … only he’s a dog, okay? He’s the Trifles’ pet dog.’
‘And you’re saying this isn’t a hoax? Stop pretending that it’s not. You do this all the time.’
‘Okay, okay, so it’s a hoax. You don’t get it, do you?’
‘Get what?’
‘Do you want us to go back to our old jobs, Effy?’
‘You mean, at the Lost and Found, Fred?’
‘Exactly.’
‘Of course not. I hated working there. If I ever see another lost umbrella, I’ll scream.’
‘If we don’t find something that’s really supernatural soon, they’re going to get rid of the whole department and we’ll be back working at the Lost and Found.’
‘This is serious. Okay, let’s start investigating. What do we do?’
‘Just the usual. We take some pictures, we make some notes, and we take the invention back to the office. Maybe they’ll believe us this time.’
‘This makes me sick!’ Selby thought. ‘The Trifles have been whisked away by aliens and these doofuses are worried about keeping their jobs! I’m going to give them a piece of my mind. A talking dog — make that a screaming dog — should be supernatural enough for them!’
Just as the agents were lifting Dr Trifle’s invention into the helicopter, Selby stepped up and was about to say, ‘Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!’
Then, suddenly, Selby heard a voice behind him say, ‘Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!’
Selby wheeled around to see Dr and Mrs Trifle standing there.
‘Where do you think you’re going with my husband’s invention?’ Mrs Trifle demanded.
The agents turned around.
‘You mean … this is yours?’ the man said.
‘Yes, of course it is. Who are you?’ Dr Trifle asked.
‘Well I’m Fred and this is Effy. We work for …’
‘The Lost and Found,’ Effy said. ‘Don’t we, Fred?’
‘Well if we don’t, we soon will, Effy,’ Fred said.
‘The Lost and Found?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘And you fly around in a helicopter?’
‘Yes, it’s easier to find things that way.’
‘Oh, I see,’ Dr Trifle laughed. ‘I’m terribly sorry. No, it wasn’t lost. I was just trying to get it to work when my wife said we should go for a walk instead. So I just left it here.’
‘I see,’ Fred said as the two of them climbed into their helicopter. ‘But what exactly does your invention do?’
‘It’s a lawn-mower that runs on solar power. This lens focuses the sun’s rays and, instead of cutting the grass, it burns it off.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ Effy said. ‘But what does S-O-T-U stand for?’
‘Scorcher Of The Undergrowth,’ Dr Trifle replied. ‘Only it’s not working.’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘I don’t know but it keeps running around in circles. See the mark it made?’
‘Goodness me,’ Selby thought as he headed back towards the house. ‘That machine isn’t the only thing that’s been running around in circles — so have I.’
ALIENS!
As I was walking by the sea
A spaceship landed next to me
And out stepped twenty freaky creatures
With wobbly legs and knobbly features.
Then as I turned to run away
They zapped me with a blue-green ray
And I was frozen to the spot
Yes,I was well and truly caught!
A purple blob with giant nose
And sixteen legs in two long rows
Came slithering right up to me
And opened fourteen eyes to see.
She was a girl, this much I know:
Her ears w
ere tied with a big pink bow.
I tried my best but couldn’t shout
She’d scared my living daylights out!
Some awful thoughts ran through my head
In thirty seconds I’d be dead
She’d cut me up from head to toe
Just to see what made me go.
If I survived, for all I knew
I’d land in some galactic zoo!
An earthling dog for all to see
Locked up for all eternity.
Then suddenly her arm reached out
And wrapped itself around my snout
My mind was in a dreadful muddle
Oooops! She was giving me a cuddle!
And patting me! How could this be?
And winking all her eyes at me!
Suddenly I was enraptured
So what if I had just been captured.
Perhaps they’d treat me like a king
I’d wave a paw and have them bring
Whatever would best suit my mood:
A prezzie or some yummy food.
What’s this? They jumped back in their craft
And closed the windows fore and aft
Then in the blinking of an eye
They blasted off into the sky.
In a moment, I connected:
They’d left me there – I’d been rejected!
Alas, it was quite plain to see
They didn’t want a dog like me.
‘Come back!’ I cried. I yelled abuse
Alas it wasn’t any use.
I walked along beside the sea
And thought, ‘Oh woe, oh woe is me.’
Selby
SELBY’S SET-UP
‘Did you know that they’re going to be filming a real movie with real movie stars in my library?’ Camilla Bonzer, the librarian at Bogusville Primary School, asked.
‘Yes, we know,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘And guess what?’
‘What?’
Camilla sat down on the lounge next to Selby and began patting him. ‘Dino diSwarve, the most gorgeous actor in the whole universe, is the star and he’s going to be in my library and I’m going to get to meet him! Isn’t that exciting?!’
‘He is quite good looking,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But I’m not sure he’s much of an actor.’
‘Oh, who cares about that,’ Camilla said. ‘I could just look at him forever. He’s so dishy! Do you know what the film is about?’
‘Yes, and I know the script for the film was written by an old friend of ours, Gary Gaggs.’
‘Not the Gary Gaggs the comedian?’ she said. ‘His jokes cheered me up when I was so upset last year, remember? Are you sure he wrote it? This movie is a romance not a comedy.’
‘It’s a romantic comedy,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘It’s called A Binding Friendship and it’s about a librarian and someone who falls in love with her. That’s all I know.’
‘Well I know more than that because I read about it in the Dino diSwarve Fan Magazine.‘
‘You read the Dino diSwarve Fan Magazine?’
‘Of course, he’s sooooo handsome! I have posters of him all around my house and I’m the president of the Bogusville Dino diSwarve Fan Club, too. Let me tell you about the story. Dino plays this really shy young man who lives at home with his mother and doesn’t have a job or friends or anything.’
‘But he usually plays rough, tough jokey guys.’
‘Not in this movie. He goes to the library all the time and borrows science-fiction books. Of course this is supposed to be a normal library and not a school library like mine but never mind. Anyway, the librarian falls in love with him. She wears all these glam clothes and everything. But he doesn’t notice her because he’s so shy he never really looks at her. She’s played by what’s-her-name, the actress with the big smile and all the teeth.’
‘I can’t remember her name either,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Anyway, one day old tooth-face slips a romance book in with his sci-fi books when he checks them out of the library. It’s one of those Kiss’n'Tell books or Party Pashers books that the girls all read.’
‘Don’t tell me,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He discovers the book, reads it and falls in love with the librarian.’
‘No,’ Camilla said. ‘This is the interesting thing. The movie has two endings.’
‘How can a movie have two endings?’
‘It just does. In one of them he notices her and falls in love and they end up together. In the other one, she falls in love with this other guy who’s been after her forever.’
‘So you can decide which ending you like the best, is that it?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘That’s it. I’ve got to go now before the shops close because I’m buying a new dress. I’m meeting Dino tomorrow.’
‘So that he will fall in love with you and take you away to Hollywood with him and live happily ever after?’ Mrs Trifle said with a laugh.
Camilla gave her an icy stare and stopped patting Selby.
‘It could happen,’ she said. ‘It could and I think it will.’
‘Do you really?’
‘Frankly, yes, I do.’
‘Poor Camilla,’ Mrs Trifle said to Dr Trifle after the librarian had gone. ‘I think she lives in a fantasy world.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘She really thinks that Dino diSwarve, a world famous, super-rich, and quite-good-looking-if-you-ask-me movie star is going to fall in love with her.’
‘It could happen,’ Dr Trifle said, looking up from his newspaper.
‘How could it?’
‘Well if he got to know her he’d realise that she’s a very interesting person. Then he might fall in love and even marry her.’
‘Oh, heavens. Movie stars don’t fall in love with teacher-librarians. Everyone knows that. Everyone except Camilla. I do worry about her.’
‘Mrs Trifle’s right,’ Selby thought. ‘Camilla’s just going to make herself unhappy by hoping that Dino will fall in love with her. I wish she’d be more realistic. Oh, well, there’s nothing I can do. Anyway, I wonder if I can sneak into the library and watch the filming tomorrow. That sounds like good fun.’
The next day was Saturday and there were no schoolchildren at Camilla’s library when Selby arrived but the street outside was in total chaos. There were trucks and more trucks filled with movie cameras, lights, props and other equipment. And there were people running in every direction, talking to each other through their headsets. Sneaking into the library was the easiest thing that Selby had ever done.
‘An elephant could walk in here and nobody would notice,’ Selby thought as he looked around at the people inside. ‘Look! There’s Gary Gaggs! And there’s Camilla! Oh, no! She bought a really expensive-looking floral dress just to meet Dino in. Poor Camilla.’
In the bright lights in front of the camera, the director talked to the actor.
‘That’s him!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘It’s the real Dino diSwarve! I can’t believe I’m actually looking at him. He certainly is a lot shorter than he is in his films.’
‘Okay,’ called the director. ‘Quiet on the set everyone! Roll ‘em! Let’s see if we can get it right this time. Come in, Bonnie.’
Selby watched as the actress who was playing the librarian came out of the office and walked up to Dino.
‘Bonnie Blake?’ Selby thought. ‘It’s her! It’s Bonnie Blake! I absolutely adore Bonnie Blake! Well, I adore her but I don’t think I’d want to marry her,’ he added.
‘Hello, Ron,’ Bonnie said, smiling at Dino and batting her eyelashes. ‘How are you today?’
Dino looked at her and gave a broad smile.
‘Hi, Janey, baby,’ he said. ‘I’m great. How about you?’
‘Cut!’ the director yelled. ‘No, no, Dino. You’re not supposed to look at her. Look down at the ground. And you’re supposed to mumble, “I’m — I’m sorry is the library closing or something".’
‘But that’s stupid,’ Di
no said.
‘That’s what the script says.’
‘So what? Who cares about the stupid script?’
‘Your character is very shy,’ the director said. ‘He wouldn’t say, “Hi, Janey, baby".’
‘Well I’m not going to play him shy. I always play a jokey kind of tough guy. That’s the real me. I want to be me.’
‘But that’s not what this movie is about,’ the director said. ‘He’s got to be shy or the story doesn’t work. I hired you to play a shy guy.’
‘Who’s kidding who? You hired me because I’ve got a million fans out there and they love to go to movies if I’m in them. They don’t want to see me playing a wimp.’
Bonnie Blake glared at him.
‘You can’t do it, can you?’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You can only play yourself because you don’t know how to act.’
‘Whoa! Of course I can act.’
‘No, you can’t.’
‘Can!’
‘Can’t!’
‘What would you know about acting?’ Dino said. ‘You’re nothing but a soapie star. I’m a big time movie star.’
‘At least I went to acting school. They picked you because of your looks and that’s all.’
‘Stop!’ the director yelled. ‘I want to talk to you individually in my trailer. Bonnie, come with me, please.’
Dino just sat there as the director and the crew left the library. Selby hid behind a row of books, watching. Suddenly Camilla appeared from behind another row of books and walked up to the actor.
‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘She’s going to talk to him. She should stay right away from him.’
‘Who are you?’ Dino snapped.
‘I-I’m Camilla Bonzer,’ Camilla said with a trembling voice. ‘I’m the librarian here.’
‘So what? It’s Saturday. Go home.’
