OUR REGULAR READERS RAVE
Some books print fancy reviews written by critics. Not us! Here at the BRI, we care more about what our faithful readers have to say.
“I got the Book of Fun when I was 9 and I am 11 now, and I still can’t put it down. I am always the class clown in school and I would be way boring without your book.”
—Nick
“Your books are awesome, both me and my brother love them. Go with the flow and never quit!”
—Rubaiyat
“The information in your books fascinates me and is so interesting. For Christmas, half of my list is Bathroom Reader books. The coolest things about your books is that all of the facts are so funny.”
—Sabrina
“Hello BRI! You guys rock. I’m a huge fan, and I read your books everyday…my Social Studies teacher thinks I’m never paying attention.”
—Jonathan
“I’m a member of the BRI. And by the way, I love your books. Uncle John, how was life when you were a kid?”
—Ryan
“I love your books so much! I was about 8 or 9 when I got my first Bathroom Reader. It was called Uncle John’s Book of Fun. Now I’m 11 and have 6 of your books. My goal is to have all of your books. Keep up the good work, and as you always say…. go with the flow!
—Aaron
“I love Uncle John’s Wild & Woolly Bathroom Reader book. It was so funny and I learned a lot of fact about animals! Thank-you Uncle John, and keep writing the good books!”
—Sarah
“I love the Bathroom Readers. They give me random trivia for class and help me look smart.”
—Dylan
“Hi, my name is Steven. I’ve read Top Secret Bathroom Reader, Book of Fun, the first Kids Only, and love them all! I can’t wait until the next one. Thank you Uncle John, Porter, and everyone else in the Bathroom Readers’ Institute for making my life so much better!”
—Steven
By the Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Ashland, Oregon, and San Diego, California
UNCLE JOHN’S
FACTS TO ANNOY YOUR TEACHER
BATHROOM READER FOR KIDS ONLY
Copyright © 2009 by Portable Press. All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor, Inc. All rights reserved.
For information, write the Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
e-mail: [email protected]
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-668-5
E-book edition: September 2012
10 11 12 13 14 15 8 7 6 5 4 3 2
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute thanks the following people whose help made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
Gordon Javna
JoAnn Padgett
Melinda Allman
Andy Peterson
Brian Boone
Dan Mansfield
Jeff Altemus
Amy Miller
Jay Newman
Michael Brunsfeld
Julia Papps
Myles Callum
Vickey Kalambakal
Cathy Hall
Debbie Pawlak
Katherine Butler
Katy Duffield
Leslie Elman
Rose Kivi
Liana Mahoney
Jenny Burr
Louise Peacock
J. Carroll
Jennifer Mercer
Peggy Deland
Malcolm Hillgartner
Terry Miller Shannon
Kathryn Grogman
Suzanne Francis
William I. Lengeman
Amy L. and Lisa M.
Monica Maestas
Sydney Stanley
David Cully
Ginger Winters
Jennifer Frederick
David Calder
Karen Malchow
Erin Corbin
R. R. Donnelley
Sophie and Bea
Porter the Wonder Dog
Hiya Brendan! Hiya Max! Hiya Kelly!
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject:
Short: A quick read
Medium: 2 pages
Long: 3 to 4 pages (That’s not too long, is it?)
9 PRANKS TO DRIVE YOUR TEACHER CRAZY
Short
How to Make a Spitball
Medium
How to Makea Voodoo Doll
Who Said That?
Cool Card Tricks
Ready, Set, Fly!
Abracadabra! (It’s Science)
Fart, Fart, Whistle
How to Make a Bloody Eyeball
How to Make Chocolate Bugs
GROSS STUFF
Short
The Dirt on Dirt
Ewww! Boogers!
Mmmm Brains
Smelly Science
Fart Facts
Medium
Sweat 101
Long
Toenails
This Story Really Stinks!
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Wise Guys
Freethinkers
Dim Stars
Bright Stars
COWGIRLS AND COWBOYS
Medium
Wild (West) Child
Long
Ride ’Em, Cowgirl!
Saddle Up!
KOOKY GROWN-UPS
Medium
The Fart Man
The Presidents’ Report Cards
You Are So Annoying!
Long
The House that Sarah Built
Walk on Water
All Aboard the Junk Raft!
Bear Haven
JOKES, GAMES, AND PUZZLES
Short
Who Am I?
Toon-emies
Brainteasers
Annoying Jokes
Yuk, Yuk, Yuk
Medium
Drive Your Teacher Nuts
15 Ways to Get Detention
UNCLE JOHN’S MYSTERIES
Medium
The Case of the Kidnapped Kid
The Case of the Gooey Spitball
GREAT ESCAPES
Long
Let Me Outta Here!
Escaping the Rock
Beyond the Wall
TALES THE TEACHER TOLD
Short
Wrong Facts
Wrong Facts
Wrong Facts
Bad Advice
Wrong Facts
Wrong Facts
Medium
Myth-conceptions
Long
The Great Railroad Ruse
The Truth About Sea Monsters
Does Money Grow on Trees?
PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND
Medium
Ask the Experts
Long
Animal Crazy
FIELD TRIP
Medium
Museums That Are Fun!
Welcome to Wormtown
Thumper Meets Bumper
Crazy Contests
Le McDonald’s
Things to Do if You’re Dead
COOL HISTORY
Medium
Fly
ing High
Long
The Real Red Baron
They Were Ahead of Their Time
First Day on the Job
The Great Houdini
Code Talkers
OOPS!
Short
Sports Stupidity
Dumb Crooks
Change the Name!
Bizarre News
Blooper Reel
Medium
25 Ways to Spell Shaxberd
Science Goofs
Dumb Crooks
Long
Presidential Goofs
GOLD DIGGERS
Medium
Real Treasure Hunting
Another Real Treasure Hunt
Dig Like an Egyptian
Long
Blackbeard’s Loot
KID POWER
Medium
Kids Rule!
Toys = Money in the Bank
Long
Fairy Tale
Beating the Grown-ups
We’ve Got Rights
FOR THE RECORD
Short
Record Breakers
Medium
Bizarre Records
The Smallest
The Biggest
IF ANIMALS RULED THE WORLD
Medium
Bizarre Animal Acts
Sting and Bite
Ruff Politics
Copycats
More Bizarre Animal Acts
SHHHH
Short
Gossip!
Bad Words
More Bad Words
Medium
Star Secrets
Mischief Makers
STAY IN SCHOOL
Medium
Banned Books
Go to College for Free!
Cheaters Who Won
Dropouts Can Succeed
Long
Schools of the Air
Dirty Work
JUST FOR FUN
Short
Circus Superstitions
To the Nines
Hobo Slang
Scaredy-cat
Medium
Old Rules
Toy Stories
Online Fun
Long
Spot of Mystery
FAST FOOD
Short
The King’s Menu
Medium
Freaky Food
Nuts!
Delicious or Disgusting?
Big Bites
X-treme Eating
Don’t Spit Out That Gum!
Long
Hole in One
Quiz Answers
* * *
SCHOOL DAZE
“Thank goodness I was never sent to school; it would have rubbed off some of the originality.”
—Beatrix Potter, author
“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”
—Tom Bodett, author
“School’s a weird thing. I’m not sure it works.”
—Johnny Depp
GREETINGS FROM UNCLE JOHN
PSST!
This book is your secret weapon. You see, adults like to pretend that they know all the answers. But we know they don’t really. For example, ask your teacher or your dad or your friend’s mom (or your friend’s teacher’s mom) why people drive on a parkway but park in a driveway. They’ll probably look confused and blurt out, “Because that’s the way it is!” But after reading Uncle John’s Facts to Annoy Your Teacher, you’ll be able to tell them why. (And if they get annoyed by being outsmarted by a kid, that’s a bonus!)
This book is yours. Do whatever you want with it. Draw cartoons in the corners of the pages, mark up the puzzles, color in the pictures. And all the while, you’ll absorb the fascinating information we’ve gathered for you. How can we be so sure? We’ve been making Bathroom Readers for kids for a long time, and they’ve all passed the “it doesn’t suck” test. Here’s just some of what’s inside:
•You want gross? We’ve got gross. The man who “sang” with farts, booger-licking bison, sweaty facts, and a trip to the vomitorium. (Yuck!)
•Rebellious kids. The girls whose tale of real fairies baffled grown-ups, the future president who got sent to the principal’s office, and a nine-year-old professional guitar player. Oh, and a kid who squirts milk out of his eyes.
•Surefire ways to annoy people. Learn to speak hobo, make a bloody eyeball, build a better spitball, and play your armpits.
•History that isn’t boring. An escape from Alcatraz, the guy who invented Mr. Potato Head, the origin of the doughnut, and pirate treasure that’s still waiting to be found.
But be warned: After you read this book, you’ll be smarter than most of the people around you. And as Spider-Man’s uncle once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” (Or was that what Porter the Wonder Dog told me when he sent me to the store for his favorite dog biscuits?) Anyway, it’s your solemn duty to annoy those around you with your newfound wisdom. Speak to them gently, since their brains may not be able to comprehend facts of this magnitude.
Now it’s time to dive into the most fun and fact-filled books in the history of books! (Okay, maybe one of the most.) Happy reading. And as always, Go with the Flow!
—Uncle John, the BRI Staff, and Porter the Wonder Dog
Shameless plug: www.bathroomreader.com
WRONG FACTS
Teachers say a lot of things.
Not all of them are true.
FACT? Cinco de Mayo (May 5) is Mexico’s version of the Fourth of July.
WRONG! Cinco de Mayo is more widely celebrated in the United States than in Mexico, where it’s pretty much confined to the south-central state of Puebla. Not only is it not a major holiday, it’s not even Mexico’s independence day. Cinco de Mayo commemorates the 1862 Battle of Puebla, in which the Mexican army fought back an invasion by France. Mexico’s actual independence day—celebrating its freedom from Spain—is on September 16.
FACT? George Washington had wooden teeth.
WRONG! In 2005, the National Museum of Dentistry performed tests on four sets of dentures known and proven to have been used by the first president of the United States. The findings: The false teeth contained a variety of materials…but no wood. Washington’s various chompers were made out of combinations of gold, horse teeth, donkey teeth, hippopotamus tusks, and even human teeth. They were held together with metal springs, screws, and bolts.
Flamingos build their nests with mouthfuls of mud.
WISE GUYS
Cool advice from some cool guys.
“In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.”
—Bill Cosby
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
—Charles M. Schulz
“I don’t know what my calling is, but I want to be here for a bigger reason. I strive to be like the greatest people who have ever lived.”
—Will Smith
“Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.”
—Dave Barry
“Nothing to me feels as good as laughing incredibly hard.”
—Steve Carell
“The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”
—Homer Simpson
“You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time.”
—Neil Gaiman
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
—Mark Twain
7/5 of people do not understand fractions.
FREAKY FOOD
You won’t find fried tarantulas in your cafeteria—unless you live in Cambodia. Some people have all the luck!
PICKLED BEET BURGERS
&
nbsp; Welcome to Australia—home of kangaroos, dingoes, and…beetroot burgers? Beets, which Australians call “beetroot,” are as common a condiment on burgers Down Under as lettuce and tomato are in the United States. According to beetroot-burger lovers, a slice of the cooked or pickled veggie adds “extra juiciness and an earthy flavor.” Folks who are anti-beet, of course, mention the fact that beets “taste like dirt” as the number-one reason not to include them. The number-two reason? Try getting a beet-juice stain out of your clothes. (A special treat: burgers in Sydney, Australia, often come with beets…and a fried egg.)
FRIED TARANTULAS
Among the best-known delicacies in Cambodia are a-ping, or fried tarantulas. And the town that’s made a name for itself by producing the best quality a-ping is Skun, about 46 miles northeast of the country’s capital, Phnom Penh. Tourists and Cambodians flock to Skun every summer when the tarantulas are in season. (The fattest and most plentiful are found in the forest near the town.) Be sure to eat them like the locals: fried to kill the spider’s venom and then dipped in a mixture of garlic and salt. According to some Cambodians, fried tarantulas are tastier than American fast food.
Q: Who is Miley Cyrus’s godmother?
A: Dolly Parton.
ROASTED ANTS
If you went to a movie theater in Colombia and wanted to fit in, you wouldn’t order popcorn. You’d ask for this traditional Colombian snack: a paper cone filled with roasted ants. One tourist said that they are “delicious when salted.”
* * *
THIS MIGHT MAKE YOU GAG
Throwing up after a big meal was considered to be a status symbol in ancient Rome because it showed off your wealth. If you ate so much that you made yourself sick, you were clearly better off than the lower classes, who hardly had enough money to buy food at all. (Even Julius Caesar liked to vomit after a big dinner.) But contrary to popular belief, the Romans didn’t vomit in vomitoriums. Why? A vomitorium was actually a passageway in a theater or sports arena that people would “spew out of” when the play or event was over.
Hilarious edibles? Comedian George Carlin once said that kumquats and guacamole were foods that sounded “too funny to eat.”
Uncle John’s Facts to Annoy Your Teacher Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Page 1
