by Cory O'Brien
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A DWARF TO APPRECIATE INFINIGOLD.
Oh, and the boar is pretty nice too.
It could use more gold, maybe.”
And then Thor is like “Guys, this hammer is so sweet. It hits anything I throw it at
and then it always comes back to my hand.
I mean the handle is a little bit short but that doesn’t keep it from NEVER MISSING.
Guys, do you REALIZE how many frost giants we can kill with this?
This is the best Norse Christmas EVER.”
and Brokk is like “Looks like I won the bet, Loki
I am going to dip your head in gold and then probably fuck it.
That’s what I do, because I’m a dwarf.”
Look, I lied when I said the gold part was over.
If you had your dwarf friend just keep reading because you thought the damage was done
then I am really sorry, man
but you need taller friends.
So Loki starts running as fast as he can
but Thor just got that hammer that can hit anything 100 percent of the time
so he just kind of knocks Loki out and brings him back
and Loki is like “WAIT
I promised you my head but I never promised you the neck it rests on!
So you can’t cut it off. HAH.”
So Brokk just sews Loki’s mouth shut instead
which is probably the best thing for everybody.
So what we have learned today
is that dwarves give the best birthday gifts
so you should try and make up with your dwarf friends
no matter how short they are, or how bad they smell
or how much they keep eyeing your gold earrings
and licking their lips.
But that’s not the last wacky plan the gods come up with to avoid paying for shit . . .
ODIN GETS CONSTRUCTION DISCOUNTS WITH BESTIALITY
So as our story begins everything is going pretty good
the giants are leaving everyone alone for a minute
and everything is pretty okay
so obviously Odin has to go and fuck it all up by making a shitty deal with a giant.
He is like “Hey, giant
bet you can’t build a wall around my entire city in nine months.”
And the giant is like “What do I get if I win?”
And Odin is like “Well, I’m kinda cash poor at the moment.
How about Freyja?”
(Freyja is the goddess of love and other icky stuff
gifted to the Aesir by a group of identical gods they tried to kill one time.
What Odin is doing is called regifting and it is in poor taste.)
But Freya is way hot, so the giant is like “Sweet, okay.”
And Odin is like “Oh, and if you can’t finish the wall in time, then I get it for free.”
And the giant is like “Sure dude, whatever.”
Now Odin is pretty confident that there is no way the giant can build a wall in time.
I mean, Asgard is pretty much HUGE.
They had to build a six-mile-long feast hall just to accommodate Thor’s LEFT NUT.
So he just sits back and prepares to have a partially finished wall
TOTALLY FOR FREE.
You don’t become a god by being bad with money that is a fact.
But this plan is about to backfire SO HARD.
The giant and his unreasonably strong horse
are putting up this wall like it’s going out of style.
There are still several months to go
and the wall is almost totally finished.
So Odin is like “Oh shit, I might have to pay this giant for all the work that he’s doing.
UNACCEPTABLE.”
So he calls up Loki like “LOKI SOLVE MY PROBLEMS WITH GIANTS.”
And Loki is like “What? Why?”
And Odin is like “REMEMBER HOW WE HAVE AN OATH OF KINSHIP
THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY?”
And Loki is like “Oh yeah.
Why did we do that again?”
And Odin is like “NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS. STALL THAT GIANT.”
So Loki is like “Sheeeeyiiiit.
I’m a pussy. I can’t stop a giant.
But WAIT!
I can stop his horse!
WITH MY PUSSY!”
so he turns into a superhot sexalicious girlhorse
with her lady parts all distended and pungent
and the manhorse gets a whiff of that shit
and is like “I AM CALLING A TIME-OUT ON ALL THIS WORKING.
A SEX TIME-OUT.”
(Feel free to use these in your everyday life.
I know you were all searching desperately for some way to justify dropping everything
and just having a bunch of sex.
NOW YOU HAVE THAT JUSTIFICATION.)
So then the giant is like “How am I supposed to finish this wall without my powerhorse?
I feel like I may have been cheated by Odin just now.
I’m going to go yell at him.”
So he goes to Odin’s room like “ODIN WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY HORSE?”
and Odin is like “I dunno what you’re talking about. It was all Loki’s idea.”
and the giant is like “FUCK THIS I’M TAKING FREYJA.”
and Freyja is like “Who’s taking what now?”
because apparently Odin completely forgot to tell her about this deal.
So she’s like “THORRRR.”
and Thor runs into the room like “What?
Oh, you need me to kill a giant?
Yeah, all right.”
So he kills the giant
thus once again saving Odin from the consequences of his shitty actions.
So a couple months later
Loki finally comes back to Asgard
leading the megahorse he seduced and also another smaller horse
but what this horse lacks in size
it makes up for in TOO MANY LEGS.
Yes sir, this is THE OCTOHORSE.
(aka Sleipnir)
So Odin is like “Oh shit, give me those.”
and Loki is like “NUP. I’m totally giving the ultrahorse to Freyja.”
and Odin is like “Can I at least have the octohorse?”
and Loki is like “Only if I don’t have to do what you say anymore.”
and Odin is like “FINE.”
and Loki is like “HAHA, I PRANKED YOU
THAT HORSE CAME OUT OF MY HORSE VAGINA.”
And Odin is like “Ew, ick.
I still want the horse though.”
So the moral of the story
is that only a sucker pays full price for masonry.
Oh, speaking of which
let me tell you about another really gross thing Loki had sex with . . .
FENRIR IS A DILF
So one day, Loki’s wandering around Jotunheim
and he sees this chick Angrboða
pronounced ANGER BOW THE
and he is like “Well, I know she’s pretty ugly
and her name is kinda like a reference book entry for THE ANGER BOW
but you know what?
I’m gonna tap that
and have three kids with that
and all three of those kids are going to be horrible beasts that bring on the apocalypse.
I see no problems with this.”
So for now, let’s just focus on the first kid: a giant wolf named Fenrir.
Now Loki brings baby Fenrir to Asgard
and the Aesir all instantly know that this wolf is gonna be the death of them
mainly because it is a GIANT WOLF NAMED FENRIR.
But instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own
presumably because they don’t want to hurt Loki’s feelings.
So this god Tyr
the god of single comb
at and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass to actually go near the wolf
and Fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like “Uhh . . . we should really do something about this wolf.”
So what they do is they make a big metal chain.
This chain is so incredibly massive
that they don’t feel right until they give it a name
that name is Leyding.
So they go up to Fenrir like “Hey, man
I bet you totally can’t break out of this chain.”
And Fenrir is like “Okay, bring it.”
So they tie him up
and he pretty much just breaks the chains like cobwebs
and he gets famous because of that
and the gods are like “Fuck, that backfired.
Okay, let’s make a better chain.”
so they make a chain that is TWO TIMES AS STRONG
and they name it Dromi
and they go back to Fenrir like “Bet you can’t break THIS chain.”
And Fenrir is like “I don’t know if I want to let you tie me up again.”
And the gods are like “Don’t you want to be double famous?”
and Fenrir is like “Ugh, okay.”
So he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little, but the chain doesn’t break
so then he kicks the chain, and it does break
and the gods are all like “Okay we definitely need a better chain.
Somebody call some dwarves.”
So the dwarves are like “Okay the mistake you guys have been making
is you have been trying to make a chain out of actual things that exist
such as metal
instead of abstract concepts
such as the sound of a cat’s footfall.”
So what the dwarves do
is they take the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain
the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman—
remember, these are dwarves—
and the breath of a fish, and the spit of a bird
so that’s why you can’t hear cats walking around
and mountains don’t have roots
and fish don’t breathe, and birds don’t spit
but I think bears still probably have sinews
and I have definitely met me some bearded ladies
so I guess the dwarves were not that thorough.
But anyway
somehow they manage to distill all this shit into THE ULTIMATE CHAIN.
Except it’s not a chain, it’s a ribbon called Gleipnir.
It is thin and pink and soft
and the gods go and bring it to Fenrir
and are like “Bet you can’t get out of this ribbon.”
And Fenrir is like “Come ON, guys.
There is no fame to be gained from breaking a little girl’s pretty, pretty princess bow.
Plus, this is OBVIOUSLY a trap.”
And the gods are like “A trap? Whaaaat?
Why would we trap you?
What do you think we are desperately afraid of you or something?
We just thought
that if the great wolf Fenrir was too much of a pussnexus
to let himself get tied up by a pretty pink ribbon
we might just go and tell everybody about that
and then they would laugh at you.”
So Fenrir is like “OKAY FINE.
But I seriously don’t trust you guys
so how about I let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth as collateral.”
And all the gods are like “Um . . . well . . .”
Until Tyr is like “I’ll do it.” Because Tyr is a FUCKING BADASS
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous wusses all his friends are.
So then they tie Fenrir up
and Fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like “DAMMIT.”
And bites off Tyr’s hand
and everyone laughs at Fenrir
except for Tyr
because he just got his hand bit off.
And Fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone
so they jam a sword in his mouth to keep it open forever
and Fenrir drools so much that it makes an entire fucking river
called “hope” in Norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster.
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON
AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD.
Because actually that is what the Norse prophecy says.
It says that eventually, at the end of the world
Fenrir will get loose and eat Odin.
So I guess the moral of the story
is that if your friend keeps bringing home his mutant babies
it is not your responsibility to raise those babies.
Remember this.
SEX 4 GOLD
Before we go any further
I feel like I need to tell you a little bit about the kind of person Freyja is.
But it is difficult to find a myth about Freyja
in which her main role isn’t just as something people give each other.
This is because the Norse appear to treat women as currency.
But don’t worry, guys
I found one
(kinda)
So Freyja wakes up one morning
and she is like “I JUST HAD A WET DREAM ABOUT SOME GOLD
AND NOW I WANT SOME.
But where shall I get some?
Oh wait
I live in a world that has dwarves.
WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.”
So she walks over to Dwarftowne
and while she is walking, Loki sees her and he is like “Oh man
that chick looks like she is about to get some TREASURE
I want to RUIN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HER
because I am Loki and that is what I DO.”
So Loki follows Freyja all the way to the house of these four dwarves
and sitting on their pedestal
is just the most astonishing display of golduggery EVER.
(Golduggery is exactly like skulduggery
except instead of doing crimes you do gold)
It is a necklace of such INDESCRIBABLE VALUE
that all the Norse scribes purposefully lost most of the text of this myth
and no one actually knows what it looks like
or even if it is a necklace really
we’re kind of just guessing here
more or less based on the fact that a necklace is the only form of gold
big enough to fit four dwarf dicks simultaneously.
So these four skeezy dwarfs pop out, and Freyja’s like “Ew, gross
I mean hey, guys, how’s it going?
Think I could have this necklace or whatever it is?
I’ll pay you GOLD for it.”
And the dwarves are like “We don’t need any more gold.”
WHOA, RECORD SCRATCH.
Did you just hear what I heard?
DWARVES
do not need more
GOLD?!
These are clearly not four dwarves
but rather eight babies in four dwarf suits.
But that just makes this next part weirder
because then Freyja is like “Well, gold is pretty much all I have.
Credit cards haven’t been invented yet, nor has investment banking.”
and the dwarves are like “WELL YOU HA
VE A VAGINA, RIGHT?
HOWSABOUT WE ALL USE THAT FOR LIKE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS APIECE.”
and Freyja is like “Hmm
. . .
Okay!”
So each of the dwarves does the teenie-weenie with Freyja for a solid day/night cycle
and they are very civil about it and no one minds getting sloppy seconds
and at the end of the four days the dwarves are like “Welp
we’re about as sexually satisfied as we are ever going to be in our sad, sad lives.
Here, have this necklace.”
And Freyja is like “SWEET!
This was ALMOST worth debasing myself in this manner!”
And meanwhile, Loki
who, remember, followed Freyja here
is like “DAMN, I WISH I HAD FILMED THAT.
I BET THERE’S A WHOLE INTERNET FETISH ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT.
I guess I’ll just have to settle for ruining her accomplishment like I planned.”
So Freyja goes home to enjoy her necklace and take a loooong shower
and Loki hauls ass over to Odin’s place
and he’s like “Odin, Odin, guess what?
I know I’m the god of lying all the time
but you gotta trust me when I say
Freyja just fucked four dwarves for a necklace.”
And Odin is like “Yeah, that sounds like Freyja.
I mean WHAT??
I WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA.
WE ALL WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA.
THAT’S LIKE THE WHOLE REASON WE KEEP HER AROUND
AND ALL WE HAD TO DO ALL THESE YEARS WAS OFFER HER JEWELRY?
UNACCEPTABLE.
GO STEAL HER NECKLACE.”
and Loki is like “Did somebody say STEALING?”
and Odin is like “Yes, Loki, that was me who said that.”
but Loki doesn’t hear him because he is already at Freyja’s place
STEALING.
So he gets to Freyja’s place and the door is locked
so he turns into a fly and goes in through a crack in the roof.
But then Freyja is sleeping on her back
with the clasp of her necklace completely inaccessible
so Loki turns into a flea and mauls her cheeks until she flips over
and then Loki turns into Loki and just steals her necklace.
So Freyja wakes up
notices her necklace is gone
notices her door is open
and is like “DAMMIT LOKI.
But wait
Loki would be too much of a pussy to do this on his own.
DAMMIT ODIN.
But how would Odin know about my necklace?
DAMMIT LOKI.
But Loki is probably nine countries away at this point.
I’M GONNA GO YELL AT ODIN.”
