by Cory O'Brien
and God is like “Abraham! Abraham! Hey!”
Abraham is like “Chill out, I’m right here. What do you want?”
And God is like “You know your son?”
And Abraham is like “My only son? Yeah, you could say I know him.”
And God is like “Okay, here’s what I want you to do:
I want you to take your son
up to a mountain that I’m gonna show you
and I want you to kill him and set him on fire for me.”
And Abraham is like “Okay, well I guess you know what you’re doing.”
So Abraham goes and gets his son
and he’s like “Come on, son, let’s go on a nice father-son trip to a mountain that God will show us.
We are going to make a blood sacrifice it will be a great bonding experience.”
So they start going to the mountain
along with some donkeys, and some slaves which God is apparently cool with
and Abraham makes his son carry the wood
and he carries the fire and the knife
and halfway there, his son is like
“Uhh, Dad?”
And Abraham is like “What?”
And his son is like “Dad where is the lamb we’re gonna sacrifice?”
And Abraham is like “Uh . . . well . . . God is going to provide a lamb for us, son.”
HE IS REMARKABLY CALM ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.
PERHAPS FOR ABRAHAM
ONE SON IS TOO MANY SONS.
So anyway, they get to the mountain
and Abraham straps his son down
and his son doesn’t say anything
presumably because the level of shitty parenting going on here has rendered him speechless
and Abraham raises up the knife
and God is like “WHOA, WHOA, ABRAHAM!!!!”
and Abraham is like “WHAT?!
I’m kind of in the middle of something right now.”
And God is like “Haha, PSYCH!
I was totally just kidding about the whole sacrificing your son thing.
But, dude, that was HARD-CORE.
Tell you what, man
I like a man with big balls
so how about I make it so that your children WILL OUTNUMBER THE STARS IN THE SKY.”
And Abraham is like “WHAT
THAT IS TOO MANY KIDS.”
and God is like “Haha, no need to thank me, buddy.
Your thoughtless attempted sacrifice of your own son is all the thanks I need.”
And then Abraham finds a ram
which he sacrifices to God instead of his son
and then I guess the two of them go home
or actually, they go to a place called Beersheba
which is clearly the party city of ancient times
and I like to imagine that they partied so hard
that afterward they had to go to Bathsheba just to wash the stank off
and things are pretty awkward between Abraham and his son from then on
but it’s okay, because Abraham has a ton more kids.
So the moral of the story
is that it’s never a bad idea
to try to set your kids on fire
as long as the voices tell you so.
NOAH IS ON A BOAT
So God makes a bunch of people
they fuck up and kill each other
but then they feel bad about it
so they have, like, CRAZY makeup sex
and the next NINE THOUSAND PAGES OF THE BIBLE
(depending on how big you make the text)
are about all the babies people made
because the Bible predates condoms
and I think we should all remember this.
So everyone has a bunch of kids
but it doesn’t matter
because apparently they all suck
and God decides he’s had enough of this shit.
He’s just gonna kill everybody
kinda like that other god in that Mayan myth.
See what I mean about how all this junk starts to run together after a while?
And he totally rips off Quetzalcoatl even harder
because his method of choice for killing everyone
is a GIANT FLOOD
(P.S.:
Did you know that whenever H. P. Lovecraft uses the word “antediluvian”
what he means is “predating the biblical flood?”
Because yeah
apparently H. P. Lovecraft knows EXACTLY WHEN THIS HAPPENED.)
But God can’t just kill EVERYONE
because he put a lot of work into this whole humanity thing
so he picks the least sucky dude in the world
whose name is Noah
and he’s like “YO, NOAH!
EVERYBODY’S GOING TO DIE, EXCEPT YOU
CONGRATULATIONS.
HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
GONNA NEED YOU TO BUILD A REAL BIG BOAT, BUDDY
BUT NO FRIENDS ALLOWED ON THIS BOAT
JUST ANIMALS
SEVEN PAIRS OF EVERY KID OF ANIMAL
(unless they are really filthy in which case you can just get one pair)
’CAUSE YEAH, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THOSE ANIMALS
BUT I FORGOT TO MAKE THEM SMART ENOUGH TO BUILD BOATS
SO THAT IS YOUR JOB NOW.”
So this sounds like a lot of work to Noah
but hey, it’s better than dying
so he gets some lumber and he gets to work
and somehow he manages to pull it off in time
with all his neighbors showing up at his house and calling him an idiot all day.
Well, joke’s on them.
They all die.
But then, joke’s on Noah
because now he has to live on a boat full of nothing but animals and his wife.
Nobody wins except for God
who is playing a game called “Do Whatever the Hell I Want Because I’m God”
So anyway, the whole world stays flooded for FORTY DAYS
which is actually just Bible speak for AN ARBITRARILY LONG TIME
but Noah is patient
because, oh yeah, I forgot to tell you:
NOAH IS SIX HUNDRED YEARS OLD.
Okay, now I’m super impressed.
This six-hundred-year-old dude managed to build a massive boat in just a couple months
AND
MORE IMPRESSIVELY
he managed to live six hundred years on Earth without committing ANY MORTAL SINS.
So anyway, the rain stops eventually
and Noah’s family and all the animals are getting pretty antsy
no pun intended
because only some of them are actually ants
but anyway, Noah’s solution is to send birds out to find land.
First he tries sending out a raven
but that’s useless.
The raven pretty much just flies back and forth a lot.
So Noah sends out a dove
and the dove fails to find land
so Noah KEEPS sending it out
until on the third try it finally brings back an olive branch
indicating that it found a tree somewhere
and this somehow became an international symbol for peace
when what it SHOULD symbolize is “HOORAY WE ARE NO LONGER COVERED IN WATER.”
So yeah, after that everything is pretty straightforward.
They find some land
and Noah makes an altar
and God makes a rainbow
which is his way of saying “Sorry, dudes won’t happen again.”
And he has kept that promise
SO FAR.
So the moral of the story
is that if you are planning on being a terrible person your whole life
you can just keep a big boat in your garage and you’ll be totally safe.
KING SOLOMON AND THE DISPOSABLE BABY
So
there’s this king named Solomon.
It doesn’t really matter what he’s king of.
You know how it was in Bible times.
Kings all over the place.
But the thing about Solomon
is that unlike most of the kings who were all over the place in Bible times
Solomon is INCREDIBLY WISE.
Observe:
So one of the things a king used to have to do
was to sit in a room while people shouted their problems at him
and then solve the problems using his king powers.
So one day, Solomon is doing this
and two ladies walk in with a dead baby, a live baby and a SERIOUS DOOZY OF A PROBLEM.
One woman is like “Hey, Solomon I gave birth to this healthy baby five days ago
but then my bitch of a roommate gave birth to a DEAD baby two days later
and she thought it would be a good idea
to pull some Indiana Jones shit
and switch my live baby for her dead one.
Make her give me my baby back.”
And the other woman is like “Nuh-uh! This is totally my baby
your baby DIED because you are a terrible parent.”
So Solomon is like “Hmm, this is a tough one.
Oh wait, no, it’s not. I have swords.
Hey, guards
cut the baby in half give a piece to each of these ladies.
PROBLEM SOLVED.”
And the first lady is like “Jesus Christ just give her the baby.
What is wrong with you?”
And the second woman is like “DIBS ON THE TOP HALF.”
And Solomon is like “Ah-HAH!
The baby must belong to the first lady
because mothering instincts generally prevent people from agreeing to bisect their babies
and even if the first lady ISN’T the mother
the baby should still probably go to the woman who is NOT WILLING TO CUT IT WITH SWORDS.
Seriously, lady
what were you even planning on doing with the top half of a baby?
You’ve already got 100 percent of a dead baby no questions asked.
What are you, making a casserole?
Case dismissed.”
So the moral of the story
is you should always do a background check on all your potential roommates.
HINDU
No culture before or since
has so flawlessly combined the disparate realms
of brutal murder
and epic dance battles
as did the ancient Hindus
which I suppose makes sense coming from the nation that gave us Bollywood.
People in Hindu myths are ready to cut a rug at the drop of a hat
and they are also ready to cut other things
and in fact, maybe the reason that the hat dropped in the first place
was that someone cut off the head it was resting on
and then ate it
because that’s how the Hindu gods roll
but it is not all decapitation and bump ’n’ grind, my friends
Hindu mythology gets up to some seriously cosmic shit as well.
Observe:
THE HINDUS LIKE TO CHOP DUDES UP
So back in the days before there was stuff and things there was a dude.
Just this one dude, as far as the eye could see
spanning the entire breadth of the universe, plus like ten extra feet for good measure.
His name
was the Dude
but not the Dude from The Big Lebowski.
This is a significantly Bigger Lebowski we are talking about here.
This is a Lebowski as Big as the entirety of creation.
He is so big that he exists at all times both before and after his birth
and like a quarter of his body is made up of all the animals ever
and the other three-fourths is all the gods
and he actually gives birth to a dude named Virj
who then gives birth to HIM.
WHAT.
So obviously the gods get tired of trying to conceptualize this universal dude
and they’re like “Screw this, let’s sacrifice him.”
So they tie him down and cut him up
and just start flinging pieces of his body ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE
and all the giblets start turning into things
like all the tasty clarified butter they boil off him turns into ANIMALS
even though I thought animals were already a quarter of his body.
I guess a quarter of his body was butter?
Fatty.
Anyway, the gods are pretty much making up ceremonies as they go along
so those kind of get written down and preserved for all eternity.
Also, I gotta hand it to these gods
it takes some serious effort/cojones
to kill and butcher someting that is 75 percent COMPOSED OF YOU.
But anyway, his mouths become priests
and his arms become nobles
and his thighs become the general rabble
and his feet become the slaves.
His brain turns into the moon and his eyeballs are the sun
and the sky comes out of his ears and the ground forms under his peasant feet
and the gods make sure to start a whole assload of fires
because if you’re gonna butcher the universe it might as well also be on fire
and those fires turn into the IDEAL SOCIAL ORDER somehow.
No one mentions what happens to the Dude’s dong or his chest actually.
My guess is that some creeper god stole that shit and built himself a pan-galactic RealDoll.
So the moral of the story
is next time you are getting sexed up
just remember that both you and your honey are made out of the same dude
so basically
everybody is gay.
SHIVA CANNOT BE STOPPED
Okay, so there is this dude Brahma, right?
He is the creator of everything.
So one day
he takes his mind
and makes a hot chick come out of it.
This hot chick is his daughter.
But as soon as he pops out this brainbaby
Brahma is like “OH DAMN.
I WANT TO DO THINGS TO THAT
THAT HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET.
GOOD THING I AM THE CREATOR
AND CAN INVENT THOSE THINGS RIGHT AWAY.”
And then he goes ahead and gives himself THREE EXTRA HEADS
so he can check out his daughter from all angles
thus causing the world to get divided into four directions
because the creator suddenly desires something that is outside himself.
BUT ENOUGH SPIRITUALITY.
BACK TO TITS AND BAD DECISIONS.
Okay, so Brahma’s daughter gets wind of all this exquisite voyeurism going down
and she gets pretty embarrassed
and since she can’t stop being hot
she decides to stop being on Earth instead
and she goes up to heaven.
So now Brahma is like “AUGH.
I WANT TO CONTINUE TO LOOK AT TITS
BUT MY HEADS ONLY LOOK DOWN.
LOOKS LIKE I NEED ANOTHER HEAD.”
See this is the thing about being the creator.
You do not consider options such as
oh, I don’t know
moving your neck.
NO.
You grow an extra fucking head
looking STRAIGHT UP
and then you send it shooting toward heaven
all like “NOM NOM NOM, TITS TIME.”
So at this point
Brahma’s daughter is up in heaven
like “What am I going to do about this encroaching molester head?”
and this is when Shiva steps up to the plate
> like “THAT IS ENOUGH BULLSHIT, BRAHMA.”
Then he chops off Brahma’s head
USING ONLY HIS THUMBNAIL.
But instead of a hearty thank-you
and maybe some victory poontang
Shiva gets Brahma’s gross skull stuck to his hand
and he is like “AW BALLS.
THIS IS MY JERKIN’-IT HAND”
And he transforms into Bhairava
aka THE SHIVA OF ULTIMATE RAGE
and he is like “HERE IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO:
I AM GOING TO WRECK SOME SHIT
AND THEN I AM GOING TO WRECK SOME SHIT.”
And Brahma is like “Oh no you are not, son.
You are going to get banished all the way on out of here that is what you are going to do
and then you are going to roam around the land as a mad beggar
until you get arbitrarily forgiven.”
So this is exactly what Shiva does
until one day he stumbles upon a group of sages
all sitting around praying the bajeezus out of themselves
and Shiva rolls up
like “HEY HEY, OOGA-BOOGA CRAZY HOMELESS GUY HERE, WHAT’S UP?”
And the sages are like “What.”
And the sages’ wives are like “OH MAN, I WANNA TAP THAT LIKE A KEG O’ BONERS.”
and they all go dance the crazy wango-bango tango with Shiva
and the sages are like “WHAT.”
So obviously they send a tiger after Shiva
and Shiva responds by TAKING OFF THE TIGER’S SKIN
and WEARING IT AS A SKIRT.
So then they send a poisonous snake after Shiva
and Shiva picks up the snake
and WEARS IT AS A GODDAMN NECKLACE.
So then they send an evil dwarf after Shiva
rightly assuming that there is probably no way for Shiva to wear a dwarf.
(That’s right, guys.
They have fuckable gold in India too.)
But Shiva just sort of kicks the dwarf over
stands on his face
and takes his club.
Then he turns around like “COME ON, HOT BITCHES.
FOLLOW ME INTO THE FOREST.”
So they do
and then Shiva (aka Bhairava, remember)
goes to Vishnu’s crib
like “Hey, Vishnu, lemme in”
and Vishnu’s bouncer is like “Who are you? You’re not on the list.”
And Bhairava is like “I AM THE GUY WHO IS STABBING YOU TO DEATH WITH A TRIDENT.”
And then Vishnu jumps out of the back room like “OH SNAP
I WILL SHOOT BLOOD OUT OF MY FACE AT YOU UNTIL YOU GO AWAY.”
