by Cory O'Brien
to take a huge, terrifying phenomenon
something you can only stare at and go “whoa”
and turn it into something more our size
something we can fit inside our puny brains.
Something really cool, even:
a story.
Me, I don’t see much of a difference between Science and Religion.
First off, in order to successfully apply science
there are always going to be certain things that you’re taking on faith
like that the universe behaves rationally or that the accumulation of knowledge is a good thing.
Without those assumptions you end up like that Descartes dude
unable to prove anything except that you exist which is just boring.
And I mean, the first natural philosophers
(the Greek dudes who are widely credited with getting the whole science thing rolling)
were offering theories that sounded a lot like myths.
“The world is a bunch of islands floating on water!”
“We live on the back of a space turtle, in space!”
And those explanations were discarded as more satisfying ones came along
just like how no one really worships Zeus anymore
because they’ve found gods more compelling than a big adulterer who shoots lightning.
Some people say that it’s that willingness to reject discredited views
that willingness to change
that makes science different from religion.
I’d say that that willingness to change is just a tenet of the religion of science.
Hell, voodoo’s gone through an awful lot of changes too
and a Taoist monk systematically unlearns his world knowledge
as fast as any scientist can learn it.
Now, I’m not trying to undermine the importance of science
personally, I’m all about it.
And I’m not saying I think Creationism and Evolution should be taught side by side in schools.
Largely because Creation Science is taught as an aggressive argument against evolution
as opposed to something that stands on its own.
Plus it misuses a lot of the methodology of science in a very misleading way
without accepting most of the founding principles
which would be a lot like coming up with a basic theory of Christianity
based on the assumption that God doesn’t exist and that anyone who thinks he does is an asshole.
No, see what I’m trying to say is that I watch people organizing themselves
into these neat little conflicts:
Atheists versus Christians
Jews versus Muslims
Fundamentalists versus basically everybody
and I feel like a kid in a broken home who can’t get Mom and Dad to stop fighting.
The assumption that every one of these groups is making—
and I think it’s important to acknowledge that every group, from scientist to Sikh, assumes this—is that they are right. That they are somehow behaving rationally.
But the fact that we can get so angry about this stuff means that it’s not rational
and I think we could get a hell of a lot further by synthesizing these beliefs
than by finding more and more nuanced ways to call each other dicks.
So I guess the moral of the story
is that all you religious people need to stop hating on the scientists, and vice versa
because at the end of the day, we are all united
by our desire for sweet explosions.
THE END.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Cory O’Brien (aka Ovid Naso)
is a dude who likes myths a whole lot.
When he’s not writing them in books
he is usually yelling them at people in bars
or posting them on his website bettermyths.com.
He grew up on top of a hill in Los Angeles, California
where there are basically no myths at all
but where one time a guy got shot in the leg outside his friend’s house
and broke in to use the telephone.
Now he lives in Chicago, Illinois where it is much colder
but on the other hand no injured people have broken into his house. Yet.
He is currently doing an MFA in writing at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago
not that it shows.
Also, birds really freak him out.
They’re like tiny, winged sociopaths.
Seriously, have you ever looked at those things?
Table of Contents
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATION
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
GREEK
Cronus Likes to Eat Babies
Zeus Sticks It to Semele a Little Too Hard
King Midas Is: GOLDFINGER
Tiresias Is TWICE the Man/Woman You’ll Ever Be
Narcissus Probably Should Have Just Learned to Masturbate
Persephone Is the Mother of Invention . . . No, Wait . . .
Hephaestus Gets Dicked Around a Lot
Orpheus Rocks Hard
Friends Don’t Let Friends Bang Cows
NORSE
The Norse Are METAL
Thor Gets Hammered
Odin Gets Construction Discounts with Bestiality
Fenrir Is a DILF
Sex 4 Gold
Thor Gets Jacked
All’s Well That Mimir’s Well
The End of the Norse World as We Know It
EGYPTIAN
Ra Has Sex with Himself
Ra and Sekhmet, or: How Beer Saved the Universe
Isis Has Bad Taste in Jewelry
Thoth Is Just Giving Out Scorpions
Horus Jerks Off in Set’s Salad
MAYAN
The Mayans Have the Most Brutal Calendar
Hunahpú and Xbalanqué: ULTIMATE BALLERS
Zipacna and the Four Hundred Boys
JUDEO-CHRISTIAN
God Makes a Lot of Stuff
Cain and Abel Invent the Sibling Rivalry
Abraham Is Totally Cool About Stabbing His Kid in the Face
Noah Is on a BOAT
King Solomon and the Disposable Baby
HINDU
The Hindus Like to Chop Dudes Up
Shiva Cannot Be Stopped
Anything Kali Can Do, Shiva Can Do Better
Ganesh Is the Very Definition of an Unplanned Pregnancy
JAPANESE
Izanami Gets Real Sore
Susanoo Has No Idea What He’s Doing
Amaterasu and the Crippling Depression
Tanukis Have Big Balls
AFRICAN
Obatala Has a Drinking Problem
Local Father Discovers Immortality with This One Weird Tip!
Eshu Elegba Is Probably the Last Dude You Want Approving Your Friendship
CHINESE
Pan Gu Is a Pretty Big Dude
Chang’e Is a Substance Abuser
Fei Chang-Fang and the Poop Mystic
SUMERIAN
The Ancient Sumerians Knew How to Party
Enki and Nimmah Party Far Too Heartily
Gilgamesh and Enkidu: ULTIMATE BROMANCE
NATIVE AMERICAN
Wisakedjak Is Highly Irresponsible
Killer-of-Enemies and the International House of Vaginas
Rabbit Takes Summer Fun to the Next Level
The Moon Is Made of Meat
UNITED STATES OF AMERICAN
The Creation Myth . . . of AMERICA
John Henry Was a Steel-Drivin’ Man
Paul Bunyan Was a Log-Drivin’ Man
Pecos Bill Was a Cattle-Drivin’ Man
Davy Crockett Talks a Big Game
This Is What Tom Cruise Believes In
CONCLUSION
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
p; Cory O'Brien, Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology
