‘Oh, no.’ Rach suddenly frowns, then starts to root around on the dressing table. ‘Where’s my something blue?’
‘What?’ I snap out of my ‘how to make it up to Rach’ list and stare at her blankly.
‘This is my something old,’ she points to the beautiful antique sapphire and diamond ring on her right hand, ‘this is my new,’ her dress, ‘borrowed,’ she points at her head, and for a moment I’m confused, then I manage to lock onto the hair comb. ‘So where the fuck is my blue. My blue Jane!’ Her voice has gone up several octaves on its way to hysteria. I get it, this isn’t normal Rachel, this is nervous, excited, I’m about to get married Rachel. And everything has got to be right. ‘The blue is my garter, where’s my frigging garter?’ Her mum, who is helping us get ready, winces. She’s not used to hearing Rach use the F word.
‘Oh, hell, sorry, sorry!’ I know it’s my fault, I should have made sure she had everything before we started to get ready. It’s my job. The one job I should be more than capable of doing.
Which I would, if I hadn’t been late because of the shoe incident. ‘Where is it? I’ll go and get it.’ I say, hoping it’s not been so forgotten it’s miles away.
Rachel, who’s been frowning, suddenly smiles at her reflection. ‘I remember! It’s in my makeup case, it is, I can practically see it.’ She gathers up her dress. ‘Come on!’
‘Come on where?’
‘I got them to put all my stuff in the bridal suite. Quick, quick. Oh, bugger, where’s the key card, the key?’ She’s throwing stuff left right and centre on the dressing table, then turns to the bed, and her pile of clothes. ‘Here! What a relief, it could have been anywhere.’
And we’re off!
She flies out of the room, with me hot on her heels. Her in her gorgeous wedding dress, and me in my beautiful slinky bridesmaid dress that really isn’t designed for running. I’m doing a bit of a duck waddle if I’m honest, flipping my legs out from the knee down and hoping she doesn’t spot my shoes.
‘Rach, Rach …’ I grab her arm and pull us both to a halt. ‘Slow down, or my dress will be split right up to my bum!’
‘It’s fine, it’s fine, come on.’
‘That’s easy for you to say! I just heard a ripping noise, and you do realise I’ve got no knickers on?’
‘Ooh! You’ve sorted things with Freddie! Expecting fun later?’ She winks, wriggles free, then grabs my hand.
I don’t have the heart to say no, because today has to be perfect, so I just summon a happy grin of my own and tell another little white lie. White lies don’t count, they don’t hurt.
‘Counting on it!’
She giggles. ‘Me, too! Come on, you have just got to see our room! It’s amazing!’
We zoom down the corridor, the plush carpet sinking under our feet and I suddenly feel light. She forgives me! We’re still best friends, it’s like somebody had loosened a huge weight that’s been dragging me down and I’ve been released.
‘Wait for it!’ She pauses, her hand on the door handle, then, ‘Ta-dah!’
She flings the door open and I step in first, prepared to have my breath stolen away.
‘What the?’ For a moment I think I’m hallucinating, there’s a ghost in the room!
Then I realise body flesh that colour, moving in that way has to be real.
‘There’s been a mix up, somebody else …’ But as the words tumble out of my mouth I realise that there’s not been a mix up with the rooms. Not unless the groom-to-be has booked two.
It’s like a punch to my gut, it actually, physically makes me tremble with shock. And if it has that effect on me, then what’s it going to do to Rach?
I fling my arms wide and back out, trying to take her with me, but it’s too late. Rachel is right behind me, she’s so close she can’t help but look over my shoulder. And she’s not going to let me push her anywhere.
‘Michael!’ We both scream the name out together.
I blink. This can’t be happening.
Something blue has taken on a whole new meaning. This is blue movie. This is Michael’s bottom and a pair of boobs bouncing in harmony.
‘Mikey!’ That one comes from Rachel and is like the roar of an injured animal.
‘Oh. My. God!’ That’s me, much lower key than Rach. I feel sick. I put my hand over my mouth. ‘Lexie!’
‘Shite.’ That’s Lexie. She covers her boobs and stares at us.
The bouncing dwindles to a stop. It’s like watching a yo-yo run out of steam.
Lexie flings long legs out high like she’s doing cabaret and gracefully dismounts. I’d be impressed if I wasn’t so bloody angry and to be honest this would actually be funny if it was happening to somebody else, somewhere else.
‘Fuck, oh, shit, I am so screwed.’ This is not the most appropriate thing for Michael to say at this point.
He scrambles backwards, and Lexie rolls off the bed and into hiding, obviously working out the best way to exit.
‘That is Lexie?’ Rachel looks at me, grief stricken, and I nod then reach out to hug her, but she pushes me away. ‘That is frigging Lexie?’ She directs it at Michael this time, taking a step towards the bed.
He cowers and for a moment I think he’s going to crawl under the covers.
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, have you finally finished?’ This rather surprisingly sounds like Beth. And when I spin round there is a reason for that. It is Beth. She is standing in the bathroom doorway, clutching Joe, and looking even angrier than Rachel. She is also staring at Michael.
‘But you’re at home, Joe’s ill.’ I frown. She isn’t, though. She’s very much here. They’re both here. ‘What are you doing in there?’
‘I was checking it out for posh toiletries.’
‘Wha?’ I stare at her.
‘Freebies? You do realise how hard it is as a single mum, don’t you?’ She fishes what looks like a Jo Malone candle out of her bra.
‘Well, I … but … bathroom.’ My words are struggling with each other and coming out in a random order.
‘What do you mean finished? You’ve been listening?’ Michael finally speaks again, and he’s furious.
‘Well, I didn’t want to, did I? I told the staff I was planning a surprise and they let me in, then next thing the pair of you tumbled in and had your clothes off before I had chance to say anything! Have you any idea how traumatic it is to sit in a bathroom for that long, listening to all that wailing when you’ve got a baby? Jeez, I’d forgotten people made noises like that when they shagged!’
‘Beth!’ I shout this in an attempt to shut her up, and to stop Rachel keeling over.
‘That’s bang out of order.’ Michael has regained some confidence.
Beth laughs, but she doesn’t look or sound amused. ‘It was the only way I could bloody corner you before you walk up the aisle, with your bloody trousers down! Christ, you are such a total wanker! I knew you were a shit, sorry,’ she directs this to Rachel, ‘but I didn’t know you were quite such a loser.’
‘What does she mean, corner you? Who the hell is that Mikey?’ Lexie has jammed her boobs back into her bra and is glaring. ‘What does she want?’
‘To introduce him to his bloody son before he gets married!’ Beth shouts. And the rest of us shut up.
Lexie is the first to recover, managing to smack Michael right in the chops. ‘You’ve been having an affair?!’
‘It wasn’t an affair, it was one flaming night, a one-night stand when he was single,’ Beth yells back, stressing the last word, ‘and look what I got!’ She holds Joe up, who looks around wide-eyed, then launches into full scale howls. ‘And who the fuck is this?’ She adds pointing at Lexie.
‘You know who she is!’ I yell, finally getting a word in. ‘This is Lexie!’
‘How the fuck does she know about Lexie?’ Michael stops trying to back off the bed, which he’s been quietly doing for the last couple of minutes.
‘Beth, you told Maddie you knew all about Lexie at the hen part
y!’
‘Did I bollocks. What are you on about?’ I get the benefit of Beth’s glare now, it is scary.
‘Oh, there you are Jane! What a beautiful baby.’ My mother beams at Joe. ‘He looks just like Michael, now fancy that! Now,’ she bumbles on oblivious to the effect her words have had. ‘shouldn’t you girls be getting ready, it’s not the right time for a room party I wouldn’t have thought. And your father has lost his best cufflinks, the nice ones I got him, you know those with the rose, the Lancashire rose, do you know where they are, dear?’
‘Out!’ I yell, then soften it. ‘Please, Mum.’
‘Oh, I do hope I wasn’t interrupting something! You do all look a bit tense, but there’s no need to shout, dear. I was only asking …’ She pauses by the door. ‘That man should have his clothes on shouldn’t he?’ Then she pops on her glasses and peers over the top. ‘I thought it was you Michael! Chop, chop, don’t want to keep the guests waiting. I’ll be off now then, see you all soon! So exciting, so exciting, I’ve been waiting for a nice wedding ever since yours was cancelled.’ And she wanders off down the corridor. I resist throwing my shoes at her head, which I think is quite restrained.
‘I really don’t know what you’re on about, Jane.’ Beth’s words drag me back to the situation in hand.
‘You said you knew, about Michael, about his …’ I pause; indiscretion has been the word until now – well, transgression is his word – but it’s a bit late for niceties: ‘shagging around.’
‘Oh, God.’ Beth clutches her head. ‘I told Maddie about Michael and me,’ she spits the words out as though they taste nasty, ‘Not about that tart!’
‘Oh.’ That has stumped me. Somehow, I have completely got the wrong end of the stick. ‘You mean when Mads said Michael had slept with somebody, she meant you?’
‘You bastard.’ Lexie, obviously not one to sneak out under the cover of a row, lamps Michael one again. ‘You said I was the only one!’
‘It’s not my kid, honest!’
‘You still slept with …’ Lexie pauses, and gives Beth the once over, ‘her.’
‘The kids name is Joe, and he bloody well is yours, you sneaky two-timing excuse for a man!’
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, it didn’t mean anything. I only shagged her once, to get back at Rachel,’ he glares at her, as though it’s partly her fault, ‘for dumping me. I wanted to show her. I was pissed off!’
‘You did it to get back at Rach?’ Beth’s voice is suddenly small, smaller than it’s ever been, and she’s quivering.
‘You can’t have done, you wouldn’t … Joe can’t be …’ Rachel finally speaks again, the small wavering words effectively silencing everybody.
‘He’s not. He’s not, you’re right! He can’t be.’ Michael seizes on Rachel’s words, and gives her a lapdog look, I’m expecting him to start panting and licking any second now.
‘He is.’ There’s no sign of Beth’s anger now. Her voice is flat, unemotional. ‘He is.’ She turns to Rach. ‘I am so, so sorry Rach. It was one night, he said he was single, you weren’t together. I know I should never, ever have done it, but to be honest Joe is the best thing that ever happened to me, but the worst thing I’ve ever done to a friend.’
‘But what about Jack?’ I stare in her direction, totally confused.
‘Jack?’ Beth turns to stare at me. ‘What are you talking about now? Honestly Jane, keep up. Why would Jack be here?’
‘Jack isn’t Joe’s dad?’
They all stare at me, then Rachel suddenly whimpers. ‘Jack isn’t Joe’s daddy, Michael is. Beth’s right. Just look at his ears.’ We all look at baby Joe.
‘What’s wrong with his ears, there’s nothing wrong with his ears!’ Beth pulls him closer to her, possessively, covering his ear with her hand.
‘Nothing is wrong.’ Rachel’s voice is level, more certain than I’ve ever heard it. ‘Jane’s mum was right. Just look at his face.’ She suddenly grabs the baby from Beth and advances, cradling him gently. ‘I was digging through your old baby photos with your mum, looking for some to put up on the big screen later. He’s the spitting image of you, Michael.’ She thrusts him forward, and Michael flinches, then she very gently hands the baby back to Beth. ‘He’s yours alright.’
‘Rach I’m—’
‘How could you?’ Rachel’s voice is soft. ‘How could you, Beth? You were supposed to be my friend. You were nearly my frigging bridesmaid. I am so glad you weren’t, I am so, so …’ Rach pauses, ‘this is why you wouldn’t do it, isn’t it? You’ve been shagging him, you are so dead to me.’
Beth nods. ‘I’m so ashamed, but it was just one night, honestly. However much you hate me – and I don’t blame you if you do – you have to believe me. He said you’d split up, and I moved out of town as soon as I found out. I went to my cousin’s but then I couldn’t cope, it was such a shit hole and I didn’t have any money, and it was so bad for Joe so I came back to stay with Mum.’
‘That’s why you disappeared for a year?’
She nods glumly. ‘Then your mum bumped into mine, and I knew she’d tell you, and I knew I had to do something. I wanted to tell you, honest I did, and I wanted to tell him.’ She nods her head towards Michael. ‘But he kept dodging me, that’s why I wanted to sort the hen party, so we could be at the same place and he’d have to talk to me.’
‘But he didn’t?’
Beth shakes her head. ‘I never managed to catch him on his own. There were always people about, and then at the dress fitting, I really wanted to be there, but I was scared stiff you’d look closely at Joe, that you’d see …’
‘Which is why you wouldn’t let me hold him?’
Beth nods.
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, will you lot shut up, you’re giving me a headache. Are we done here, lover boy?’ Lexie is languidly pulling a blouse over her head and messing about with her hair. If she’s after the just-shagged look, she’s got it cracked. ‘Same time next week, or was that the grand finale?’
‘You bitch! You total cow!’ Rachel who has been in a stunned lull suddenly seems to find a second wind. She starts to hurl clothes at Lexie’s head, she catches what has to be Michael’s boxers in the face and flings them at him. Then neatly fields her own undies and wriggles about trying to get them on. Michael is edging backwards, gathering his stuff as he goes, and I don’t know if I’m supposed to bar the exit, help with the clothes tossing, or hurl insults. ‘I want to talk to you!’
Lexie, who is now partially dressed is heading for safety and manhandling me out of the way.
‘How long have you been doing this? How long? Tell me!’
Lexie shrugs, and doesn’t look half as guilty as she should. ‘Only a few times.’
I feel really ill now. How could I not have told Rachel earlier? How could I not have trusted my instincts, known that he was as trustworthy as a sack of weasels? A few times?
Freddie must have been right when he told me Lexie talked about Michael. Shit, why the hell didn’t he tell me earlier?
Lexie wriggles her way fully into her skin-tight jeans and zips them up. Right in front of us – the cheek, just to show us her sexy toned abs and thin thighs. ‘Are we done here then?’ She even has a thigh gap. Bitch.
‘Stay right there!’ Rach loses interest in Lexie as she spots her husband-to-be edging towards the door. All her focus is now on Michael, who is looking round wildly for an escape route and at the same time trying to hop into his undies.
‘I can explain, darling.’
‘In our bridal suite?!’
‘Really, honey, I can …’ He’s given up on running and is crawling towards us. He’s down on his knees, about to beg and I know I should go and leave them, but I’m weirdly fascinated, frozen to the spot. Trying to avoid looking at his dangly bits. He really should have bought some better knickers for his wedding day. Something snug.
‘You said it was over! You said it happened once!’
‘We’ve not done it for ages. It was before
I asked you to marry me. It meant nothing. Honest!’ His hands are clasped together.
‘Honest? Honest? You’ve just done it again! You wouldn’t know honest if it bit you on your pimply bum.’ Rachel is so angry she can barely spit the words out.
‘Nothing? What do you mean it meant nothing? You bastard!’ I thought Lexie had found an escape route, but obviously not. ‘You said you’d tell her!’ She’s pulling her boots on as she speaks, and glances over at Rachel. ‘He said he’d tell you that it wasn’t just once!’
‘And that makes it okay, does it?’ Rachel’s voice is icy cold, but I can hear the quiver in it.
‘Oh, grow up, Lexie, how’ve I had time to tell her?’ Michael is so full of his own importance and so keen to justify himself, he seems to be missing the point here.
‘You agreed, last night!’ Lexie is positively growling.
‘Told me what? That the wedding is off?’
‘No, I—’
‘What then? That you love her?’ Rach points at Lexie with a shaky finger.
‘Hell no!’
Lexie hurls her boot at him. Then turns on the scorn. ‘You spineless idiot!’
‘I couldn’t tell her before, I wasn’t going to risk screwing everything up. What would I do then?’
‘Well, it’s time you flaming well found out!’ Rachel takes a step back. Then another. I make a move towards her, but she brushes me away and storms out.
I spin round, ready to follow her. ‘Rach, Rach.’
I’ve got one foot in the corridor when Michael shoves me out of the way and rushes after her. ‘Fuck. I didn’t mean that, Rach … come back, darling, Rachel! I love you! You’re all I need.’
I get my balance back, and hesitate, not sure if it’s my place to interfere.
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, it’s not like I want to marry him.’ Lexie barrels past, nearly flooring me, then slings her bag over her shoulder and I have to duck to avoid a black eye. ‘I just thought she should know.’
‘And so did I.’ Says Beth sadly, still clutching Joe to her chest. A tear plops its way down her cheek, and lands on the baby’s head. The tears become a steady stream, and I want to hug her, even though she’s been a complete idiot.
Bridesmaids Page 27
