by Debra Kayn
As if he dictated her every move, she held on to him. "Oh, God."
He captured her mouth and moved against her. Embers heated to burning flames, and she gave him back everything he gave to her. Hard, hot, and heavy. She wrapped her arms around his neck, straining for what she knew was again within her reach.
Then he growled, and she swallowed the sound. Her orgasm swept her away as he plunged inside of her and held still while he came. Slight tremors rocked her body. She grabbed more of his jacket when he trembled above her.
He pressed his forehead against hers and exhaled harshly. "Damn, Jolene."
Instantly alert at the new tension rolling through his body, she opened her mouth to question him when he pushed off the bed and fastened his jeans.
She sat up, only her lower half undressed. Caiden had never taken off his coat or his jeans.
He walked out of the room. The rattle of keys came from the living room, and the door slammed.
She mustered all her strength to curl into a ball.
Her fantasy merged with reality, and yet his anger remained in the room.
CHAPTER 18
I had a desire to prove to myself that I was actually in control – that I wasn't a puppet. — Sean Parker
Jolene carried the black velvet covered tray across the workroom. She found herself holding her breath and exhaled slowly. The necklace and ring for the Quintessential Line turned out better than she'd imagined.
"Oh, my." Lux, her girlfriend and a media artist, held her hands up and away from the tray, so not to touch the jewelry.
Jolene set the tray on the table and clasped her gloved hands. She pampered her jewelry once she set the stones and never touched them barehanded again. "Come on, give me more than that. I've been counting the days until you were scheduled to come this way."
Lux tilted her head over the tray, looking from all angles. "The cushion cut was definitely the right choice. The depth is outstanding. Your boldness at using silver instead of gold changes everything."
"It took two weeks for me to complete both those pieces." Jolene inhaled deeply to fight the butterflies in her stomach. "Every step, from melting the silver to the polish, had me excited and scared to death."
Lux turned from the table and gripped Jolene's shoulders. "Now tell me how satisfied you are with what you've done."
Her friend blurred in front of her, and she let the tears flow freely down her face. It'd been two weeks since Caiden had sex with her, and she hadn't heard or seen him. Not once had she cried. Whether her tears were a relief from the many nights she'd stayed awake going over every little thing she should've done differently that night or the complete gratification of pouring herself into the Quintessential Line, she had no idea. Only that right now, this minute, Lux's compliments brought her relief.
"I think this is it," she whispered, knowing Lux understood how much pressure she'd put on herself to go worldwide and how hard she believed the Quintessential Line would take her there.
Lux squeezed Jolene's shoulders. "This is definitely it, my friend."
Jolene hugged her, rocking her side to side. Lux squealed, joining in the excitement.
"Hey, hey, what's going on in here." Casey stood in the doorway holding his camera.
"We've been stricken by beauty." Lux laughed, stepping back. "Come and see."
Jolene moved out from in front of the table and wiped her cheeks. While Casey poured his admiration over the jewelry, Jolene tried to get a grip on her emotions. Her friend's critique of her work meant everything to her. It would be Casey who sells all the pieces when they were finished. Lux understood the fear, the hard work, the gamble of the business.
"Can we get more light into the room?" Casey turned on the camera.
She flipped on the main light on the ceiling and the two work lights across the room on the table. "I have lamps in the other room if you need more."
"I think this will be enough." Casey fiddled with the settings and put on a different lens. "I'm working with Bruno on the portfolio, and he's already signed the disclosure that everything needs to remain classified until we have your permission."
"I remember Bruno." She probably knew Bruno better than Casey, considering she'd slept with him one night after a showing with the agreement that it was only meant to be a good time for one night.
Her chest tightened, and she stepped back toward the door. Before coming to Federal, she'd given Caiden's sexual past no thought. In her head, he was exactly how she'd last seen him. But, he'd been released after ten years in prison, and that gave him ten years without her. There were other women. She understood and had no right to him anymore, but the thought of him with someone else made her sick to her stomach.
"Jolene?" Lux appeared in front of her. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah...of course." She gazed at her friend. "Why?"
"You weren't answering me." Lux frowned. "Casey wants to know if you want to try any props."
"No. That will only distract from the jewelry." She rubbed Lux's arm. "If you'll excuse me. I need to check on something."
She escaped the room, grabbed her coat, slipped on her boots, and went out to the porch. It'd started snowing again.
Picking up the shovel, she cleared the steps. In three hours, Casey and Lux would be leaving in the rental car with studded tires to make it over the pass to their next stop. She'd finish the rest of the Quintessential Line for the debut before they returned in two months.
She stabbed the shovel into the snow and leaned against the handle. With everything happening, she struggled to believe having sex with Caiden happened. Sometimes, she wondered if it was all a big dream.
He'd left her bed without catching his breath. No excuse, no sentiments, no looking back.
Two weeks ago.
Fourteen days.
She seriously wondered if she could continue living in the cabin. When she'd contacted a local realtor about finding the owner to see if they'd be willing to sell, she'd envisioned the comfort of living here. Like a security blanket of memories she could wrap herself in to handle the pressure she'd put on herself to go worldwide with the Quintessential Line.
Instead, she'd lied to herself.
She bought the cabin to keep Caiden in her life, even if he had only become a figment of her imagination. A part of her past. She was unwilling to let go. No matter how many times she'd declared to the therapist that she understood that her relationship with Caiden was only temporary.
"Maybe I am insane," she whispered.
The first sign of insanity was talking to herself. She tossed the shovel onto the porch. The second sign was doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. The third sign was probably buying a cabin that her and her boyfriend dreamed about owning...twenty years ago.
At every turn, when she believed she was moving on, she received a sign that told her to hang on to Caiden and her memories even tighter. When she was twenty-five years old, she volunteered at a nursing home to force herself into a safe environment and focus on others, rather than herself. Old people were harmless, non-threatening, and needed companionship. Her last day volunteering, she shared a lucid moment with an Alzheimer patient —Mrs. Fatimo. The elderly woman told her how she'd lost her husband when she was thirty years old. Her childhood sweetheart. She could never make herself love another, and life had been dimmer because of her loss. Mrs. Fatimo only looked forward to dying and joining her husband.
At that moment, she understood Mrs. Fatimo's life better than anyone. No one had a right to tell her how to feel. The heart doesn't answer to anyone.
But, having sex with Caiden had broken her heart all over again. Because over the years, she made herself believe Caiden had felt the same all-consuming love she had when they were together. The kind of love that could never be broken.
She was wrong.
For the first time, she wished she'd never fought the disassociation therapy. If she'd allowed her parents to get their way, she wouldn't be hurting.
>
The front door of the cabin opened, and Lux stepped onto the porch. "What are you doing?"
Jolene pointed at the steps. "Just finished shoveling."
Lux inhaled deeply, rubbing her bare arms. "I have to admit, it's beautiful here, but I don't think I'd last a day having to deal with the snow."
"You lasted two days." Jolene climbed the steps and stood beside Lux. "I've really enjoyed having you both here."
"You seem different." Lux bounced on her feet to keep warm. "You're quieter."
"It's the work." Jolene shrugged. "You know how it is. I get caught up in what I'm doing, and before I know it, it's two hours until daylight, and I'm dead on my feet."
She'd tried to act normal during their stay, but the memory of Caiden having sex with her was too fresh in her mind. She couldn't shake off the regrets. Instead of moving forward, she felt like she had a chain around her waist, pulling her backward.
"I remember those days." Lux laughed. "Many times, I would be waking up in the morning only to find you getting ready to go to bed because you'd pulled an all-nighter when we lived together."
"You probably get more all-nighters than me nowadays." Jolene smiled. "Your kids take a lot of your time."
"I miss them." Lux inhaled deeply. "This is only the second time I've been away from them, but I know they're having a great time with my mom."
A pickup approached the cabin, the tires crunching the snow that'd fallen since Poppy plowed earlier that morning. Jolene stepped closer to the railing, recognizing Caiden's truck. Why was he coming here now?
"Looks like you've got company." Lux crossed her arms and shivered.
"Maybe," she muttered.
Caiden parked and got out of his vehicle. Jolene's throat closed. He appeared formidable stalking toward the cabin in his jacket with the collar pulled up and his boots making tracks in the snow.
Lux leaned toward her, "Whoa."
Whoa was right. Jolene moistened her lips. Why, after ignoring her for two weeks, would he pick today to come over when she had company visiting?
Caiden stopped at the bottom of the steps, glanced at Lux, and brought his gaze back to Jolene. "We need to talk."
Lux touched her arm. "I'm going inside to warm up."
Just when the door shut signaling she was alone with Caiden, Jolene said, "I don't think there is anything more to be said."
"Jolene..." He planted his boot on the bottom step. "I need to tell you...we need to talk."
The sincerity in his tone had her nodding. Knowing she couldn't go on hoping there was something more between them, she said, "My friends are leaving this afternoon. You can come by this evening."
Caiden looked at the cabin and back at her. The lines at the corner of his eyes deepened. "Not here."
She dropped her gaze to his clenched fists. "I won't go to the clubhouse."
"No." He paused. "My house. We can talk there."
She'd rather talk anywhere but at his house. He'd moved on with his life, and she had no interest in seeing how he lived. But, she found herself nodding to get the talk over with. "Five o'clock?"
"Yeah." He backed up a step. "I can order pizza."
"I won't be eating or staying long." She wouldn't be able to force a bite down being around him.
"I'll pick you up so you don't have to drive back up the mountain after dark." He walked away.
Just like that he swooped in and had her agreeing with meeting him, even picking her up. The last time he'd done that, things hadn't gone well. This time, she dreaded what he'd have to say.
CHAPTER 19
Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Jolene sat on the couch in Caiden's living room after having not spoken a word to him the whole way over to his house. He carried his cup of coffee and her cup of warmed sweetened milk, setting both on the coffee table.
"I didn't ask, but do you still take one spoonful of sugar in it." He sat down.
She lunged forward and picked up the cup, cradling it in her hands. "Yes, thank you."
He looked around the bare room. He'd never had any desire to furnish the place. A couch, ratty chair, and coffee table served their purpose for somewhere for him to sit. He hadn't even bought a television upon his release because he had no interest in what was going on in the world. He'd learned long ago that no matter what he said or did, nothing changed. He had no control over anything that went on around him.
"We need to talk about having sex after going to the clubhouse." He scratched his whiskers at a loss for words to explain his behavior. There was no excuse because he wanted her. He'd never stopped wanting her.
"We don't need to talk about what happened," she said, looking at him. "Honestly. We both got caught up being angry with each other, and things went in a different direction than they should've gone." She waited until he looked at her and continued. "We're both old enough to know that sex now is much different than what we had when we were younger."
Maybe for her, but not him. He took a drink of coffee to settle down after she gave the half-assed canned response she believed he wanted to hear, taking all responsibility off of himself. He'd heard her that night, and she couldn't take it back that she'd returned and bought the cabin, because it was supposed to be their cabin, together.
"The only thing you got right in that little speech was that I was angry." He sat back on the couch. "I've been angry for twenty years."
"That's understandable," she said softly. "What happened to you was an unfortunate accident that had big consequences."
His leg bounced in agitation. "Was it an accident?"
"Yes." She frowned. "You were both boxing. He hit you as many times as you hit him. It's a dangerous sport that both of you willingly stepped inside the ring for and nobody there could say you set out to kill him."
"If you believe that, then why does it upset you to go inside the clubhouse?"
She scoffed. "I'm uncomfortable there."
"Why?"
She studied him and finally said, "Because it was my fault that you were boxing. I could've stopped you and told you winning wasn't important—everyone there could've stopped you, but I believed in our dream, too."
"Our dream of marrying when you graduated and buying the cabin together," he said, pounding the fact in.
She blinked slowly. "Yes."
He stood and walked to the window, sweeping his hand between the curtains, and peering outside into the streetlight. For the last two weeks, he'd thought of nothing else than her confession about why she'd bought the cabin.
"Instead, you kept part of the dream and tossed aside the part that included me," he said to the window.
"No." She put her hand on his back, surprising him by following him across the room. "No, Caiden, you're wrong."
He closed his eyes. "I sat in court looking for you, and you never came. I told myself you were seventeen years old and maybe you couldn't get out of your house without your parents knowing. So, I waited in prison for a letter, knowing you could write to me, and none ever came. For the first year, my mom made two trips down to Boise to come and see me before she stopped coming. I'd ask her about you because I thought you'd let her know how you were doing and ask about me. She had said you never came. I excused you because you were young and mom worked in a bar, making it hard for you to go inside and talk to her with you being underage. I went through every reason why you never held up your promise until I had to face the fact that you gave up on me."
"Oh, God." Her voice grew quieter.
He turned around and found her moving to the couch. "Ten years in prison without you. Not a letter or phone call."
Jolene sat on the edge of the couch, hugging her stomach, and stared at the floor. He stayed with the window at his back. The fury he'd lived with vibrated inside of him.
"You know what I did after ten years, Jolene?" He never gave her a chance to answer. "I came back to
Federal, expecting you to be here because I'm a fool who believed in us. I should've known you wouldn't be."
He walked over, grabbed his now cold coffee, and swigged it down. The only time he strung a sentence or two together, he was at work. Jolene had him busting his balls tonight.
"It's now twenty years after I was locked up and you stroll into town and live in our cabin as if it's no big deal. It's a fucking big deal to me." He set down the cup before he threw it across the room and broke it against the wall. "I've lived with anger my whole life, but only you make me feel like killing someone."
Her head snapped up. He chuckled, and the sound came out pained. "Scared?"
"No." She lifted her chin. "I have never been scared of you."
"Then, maybe you're the one who is stupid." He walked out of the room and put the coffee mug in the sink.
Bracing his hands on the counter, he let his head fall forward and inhaled deeply to ease the tightness in his body. For all intents, he never brought her back to bitch at her. He'd owed her a reason for his behavior. Not only why he was angry, but why he'd fucked her
CHAPTER 20
For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been'. —John Greenleaf Whittier
She was going to throw up.
Jolene had to get out of Caiden's house. She stood. No, she had to go to him. How could he believe she'd given up on him? That she hadn't wanted to be together?
She sank back down on the couch. Of course, he believed she'd walked away from him. She had. Not voluntarily, but under duress.
She would've contacted him. The night he'd been taken away in a cop car, she'd already decided she'd steal, beg, lie, and scream on every street corner to get to him. She swore on her life, he would not go through his imprisonment alone.
The thunk of Caiden's boots on the hardwood floor warned her of him returning to the living room. She stopped rocking on the edge of the couch and inhaled a quivering breath. Lightheaded and nauseated, she still feared getting sick.
Caiden sat on the couch. "I get it. People grow up, they move on, there are different stages in everyone's life, and shit happens. It's the matter of accepting that you changed. That you went back on your promise. I couldn't forget. I can't. You had me flying high, Jolene."
