by Debra Kayn
"Are any of the kids yours?" she asked.
"We've got two. Teenagers, who wanted to stay at the bottom of the slide area with their friends instead of up here with us old farts and the babies." Ink raised his brows and shook his head. "They'll learn soon that we brought the food and drinks up here and will start the long walk up when they get hungry."
She laughed and looked up at Caiden. "Last time I came to a sledding party with you hosted by Bantorus, we were in the group downhill."
"The thermos of whiskey kept us warm," said Caiden.
"I suspect that's what's happening down there today, but so far Lilly hasn't caught on yet and put a stop to it." Ink shrugged. "Kids. What are you going to do? We did the same shit when we were their age. At least they can't do much damage on the mountain and aren't getting in trouble."
A young boy ran past Ink. He grabbed the child. "I better go help keep the young ones contained."
Jolene smiled at the giggles that broke loose as Ink hoisted the boy over his shoulder. "Let's get closer, so we can watch."
"Are you warm enough?" Caiden brought her hand he held closer to him and rubbed his bare hand against her glove.
"Yep. So far, I'm toasty." She walked, glad to hold his hand beecause the snow got deeper.
At the edge of the hillside, Caiden stopped and stomped down the snow, giving them a platform to stand on. She watched the activity in front of her, content to be a spectator. Everyone's attention was on the children, keeping them safe and on their feet.
One young girl dressed in a purple snowsuit stood off to the side. Her mitten covered hand kept pushing her too-big stocking cap out of her eyes. Jolene let go of Caiden's hand and stepped over and kneeled in the snow beside the child.
"Would you like me to fix your hat, so it doesn't slip down?" she asked.
The girl turned toward her. Jolene took off the stocking cap, rolled the extra material twice, and put it back on the child's head. Soulful brown eyes gazed at her and Jolene smiled. The child was beautiful.
"There you go, sweetheart," she said softly.
"My dad said I need to stay right here and wait for him. I want to go sledding." The girl leaned closer. "He's supposed to go on the sled with me the first time because it goes fast."
"Would you like me to wait with you?"
The child nodded.
She took the girl's hand and stood. "My name is Jolene. I'll keep you company until your dad comes back for you."
Together, they stood at the edge of the activity. Jolene looked over her shoulder and motioned Caiden to come join her. When he stood behind her, she whispered, "She's going to wait with us."
Caiden leaned between Jolene and the child and pulled the little girl's blonde ponytail hanging down her back. "Hey, pretty Parker."
Parker turned around, broke out with a smile, and flung herself at Caiden. "Mr. Hall."
Curious and surprised at the familiar greeting, Jolene wanted to know more about Caiden's relationship with everyone here. How had he nurtured his friendships over the years he was in prison? To come back and be welcomed by those who were there the night Chapman died simply amazed her. She wished her parents could see how wrong they were about Caiden.
Caiden straightened and gripped Jolene's hips with his hands and lowered his mouth to her ear. "Do you remember Sawyer?"
A soft-spoken, single man who lived at the clubhouse years ago, Sawyer was always around at the boxing events. Jolene tilted her head and said, "Sure, I remember him."
"This is his daughter, Parker." Caiden turned as someone yelled Parker's name. "There's your dad."
"Go ahead and help her walk through the snow to her dad. I'll wait here." Swept up in feelings she'd ignored for too long, she watched Caiden as he interacted with Sawyer and as Sawyer looked past Caiden and spotted her.
She waved and received a wave and smile in return. There were years that went by when she never thought of the members of Bantorus. After trying to forget about the night that had changed Caiden's life, she never wanted to dwell on the enjoyable memories she had of her time with them.
The direction in which her life went wasn't the members of Bantorus's fault. It wasn't even Caiden's fault. It wasn't even her fault, and that clarity hit her hard. She'd never been able to push past the blame game before, and she had a feeling it was because Caiden never held anyone responsible for his arrest. Not even her, though he'd held her responsible for not being there for him when he was released. Until the other night when she'd handed him the journal she'd kept during her stay at the clinic, Caiden believed she'd simply fallen out of love with him.
She still couldn't figure out why Caiden brought her to the mountain today or what he wanted from her. Memories were messing with her head, and she had a hard time separating her feelings from those in the past and the ones that filled her with hope because Caiden chose to spend a day with her.
She had to be careful because she wasn't one who could push back her feelings and pretend they never existed. Things that had happened twenty years ago felt like she'd experienced them yesterday. She'd never moved on after Caiden, despite their separation, despite the doctors, despite the reality of the situation. She still loved him, but how could she love a man who'd become a stranger to her?
Caiden walked back to her. Jolene wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck. "She's a cute girl."
"She is." Caiden pulled Jolene to his side and rubbed her back. "It's just her and Sawyer. He does right by her."
She tilted her head and gazed up at him. "What do you mean?"
"Sawyer was involved with Parker's mom when Parker was a baby. Bailey, that was her mom, died in a car crash when Parker was almost two years old. Sawyer's raising her on his own."
Jolene shivered. "That's...wow. Sad and inspiring."
"Yeah," whispered Caiden. "He's a good man."
A group of children moved forward and took their position on the sleds. Jolene laughed softly watching their short arms, bundled in their snowsuits, try to hug the child in front of them. The adults counted down from three, and running behind the sleds giving them a giant push, the race was off over the snow-covered ground. Caiden put his arm around her back, laying his hand on her hip. She leaned toward him, caught up in the kids' squeals.
Their innocence took away her stress, and she found herself enjoying the atmosphere and the company. Caiden's hand wandered up under her hair to the nape of her neck. His bare hand, cool against her skin, caused her to shiver.
"Aren't you cold?" she asked.
"I'm good." He moved behind her and wrapped his arms underneath her breasts. "For a long time, I lost all sense of the seasons. The heat on my skin in the summer. The cold that buries itself in my bones. The smell of the rain. The boom of thunder."
She leaned her head back on his chest. "It all makes you feel alive, doesn't it?"
"You make me feel alive." His chest expanded against her back. "I'm glad you're here with me."
She swallowed the heavy sensation in her throat. "Me, too," she whispered.
The longer they watched the children and adults sled, the more relaxed she became until she no longer noticed the snow tickling her cheeks, the chill on her nose. Caiden's attention wrapped her in warmth and longing. Today felt like an actual date with the man she loved.
CHAPTER 26
Love the giver more than the gift. — Brigham Young
The quietness outside the cabin settled over Caiden. He fastened the end of the string of lights he'd bought earlier that morning and scratched his head. He'd fallen into a routine over the last week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, he'd come over and spend time with Jolene. Tuesday and Thursday, they talked on the phone before they both went to sleep. He'd try to learn more about her time away from him, which she staunchly kept to herself. During the days, he worked at the station while Jolene worked from home.
Now it was Saturday, and while they hadn't planned out their weekends yet, he tried his best to break away from the routine Jolene had cr
eated.
The only thing that mattered to him was spending as much time as possible with her, the relationship—which he had no name for—remained one-sided. He tried to move to the next step, and she seemed content to keep their relationship safe—her words.
He hoped tonight, she'd ask him to spend the night.
The lights strung, he hooked an extension cord onto the strand, ran it along the roof, down the outside wall of the cabin, and let the plug hang past the outlet. Not wanting to interrupt Jolene while she worked, he picked up the sack and empty boxes and walked everything out to his truck. He'd throw the garbage away at the gas station tomorrow.
She knew he was here. He'd called and let her know he was bringing more firewood over earlier. He'd told her to continue working, and she'd taken him up on the offer, because he'd stayed and decorated her porch without her coming outside.
If she came out and hated everything, it would be simple enough to take everything down. He only wanted to give her something special. For him, there weren't many places in Federal for them to go where no one would bother him. That was a hardship on Jolene, who probably wished he'd take her someplace different than the clubhouse or gatherings with the Bantorus members.
What once never bothered him about his life, now made him feel inadequate. She deserved to be wined and dined without reservations. But experience taught him differently after he'd walked out of prison. He never knew when someone would make a comment about his past or turn him away because he'd killed a man in the past.
He untied the tarp in the back of the pickup and hefted the new rocker out. Glancing over at the window on the side of the cabin, the light inside the room let him view Jolene's back where she sat at the work table.
Intent on her task, Jolene wasn't aware of what he was creating outside for her. His chest warmed, and he found himself in a good mood. How many times had he wanted her with him, hoping for a glimpse of her as she walked by? It was hard to believe she was here, in the cabin, within touch.
He'd never had that inseparable connection to another person, where time and distance failed to wean his feelings. If anything, his maturity and the knowledge that he wasn't getting any younger made him feel higher emotions. He was desperate to keep Jolene in his life.
Not wanting the chair covered in snow, he carried his gift to the porch and set it to the left of the door. He paused by the window at the front of the house. Jolene couldn't work much longer. She'd been going hours without a break.
He moved the new free-standing fireplace into position, loaded the paper, kindling, and wood, and lit the fire. Then, he sat down in the rocker and waited for Jolene.
The new fireplace kicked out warmth. He stretched his legs in front of him and looked out at the snow falling. He thrived in the serene setting.
In prison, there was no such thing as silence. Other prisoners yelled at all hours. Doors banged shut. Iron clanged against iron. Guards bullshitted with each other twenty-four/seven. Besides Jolene, he'd missed silence and privacy the most.
Even before his incarceration, he'd lived above a bar with his mom. After the noise downstairs quieted around two thirty in the morning, the cars in downtown picked up as the miners changed shifts and stopped to get the early breakfast at the restaurant down the street.
He lifted his arms and latched his hands behind his head. A small part of him realized he still stayed on the outside of Jolene's life. He was here and trying desperately to get inside. To share with her everything they'd dreamed together.
The door opened, and a soft gasp filled the evening. "What is this?" asked Jolene.
"Grab your coat." He stayed sitting and reached behind him and plugged the extension cord into the outlet.
The café lighting came on, casting a soft glow the length of the porch. He admired his work. It'd been a good idea. She'd feel more comfortable being outside after dark when the weather changed and could enjoy the comfort of the porch.
"Oh, my God, Caiden," she said.
He turned his head and found her grabbing her coat off the hook and closing the door. She couldn't take her gaze off the lights. The sight of her smile had him wanting to go out and buy up the stores to find what else would make her happy.
Jolene walked to the railing and looked up at the lights. "This is absolutely perfect."
The pleasure in her voice brought him to his feet. He stepped over to her and gathered her hand, holding it in his. "You like?"
"It's beautiful." She smiled, noticed the rocker, and threw her arms around his waist. "It's exactly how I pictured the porch."
He tilted her head and kissed her lips softly. "But, there's one more thing that goes with everything."
She raised her brows and smiled in anticipation. "What?"
"A rule." He led her over to the rocker, sat down, and guided her onto his lap. "If you'll notice, there's only one chair."
"Mm." Her lips quirked. "Yes, I did notice that."
"So..." He pulled her tighter against his chest. "When I'm over here, there's nowhere for both of us to sit outside."
A bubble of laughter escaped and she tugged on his jacket. "I can see where that'd be a problem."
"What I was thinking..." He tucked her head against him at the base of his neck. "When I'm here, the rule is I get the chair, and you get my lap."
She tilted her head and kissed underneath his jaw. "I might have to keep you here all the time. Your lap is pretty comfortable to sit on."
His whole body hardened. "Are you flirting with me, Jolene Shayne?"
She sat up. His pulse raged inside of him. Whether she threw out the truth or an off-hand comment to diffuse the sexual tension between them, he took her opinion and ran with it.
She scooted off his lap and stood. He leaned forward with his hands on his knees. "Jolene?"
"Give me a second," she said.
He went down to his elbows on his knees and stared at the porch between his feet. There was no way he could leave if she pushed him away. If she wanted more time before making a decision about him, he could do that. He'd give her a lifetime.
"I have a hard time judging what is going on between us." She leaned against the railing and tucked her bare hands under her arms. "When you're here, it feels like we've always been together. That twenty years haven't gone by with both of us having our own lives. It's as if yesterday, we were in the cabin, sitting on the dirty floor, and dreaming about the day we'd live here."
"I get that." He lifted his gaze. "I've had the same thought go through my head when I'm with you."
"Then, when I'm alone, I feel every single one of those years when we were apart." She exhaled harshly. "The baggage I carry is insurmountable. I'm scared that there will come a time when you discover I'm not the person you remember."
"I'm not the same person, either." His gut tightened at the thought that the rational side of her argument would convince her their relationship was impossible. "Yet, you know me. Deep down, Jolene, you know me better than anyone. That split second when you saw me for the first time at the gas station when you moved back to Federal, I could see all those feelings you had for me twenty years ago in your eyes before you ran out."
"What if what I'm feeling is based on memories?" She closed her eyes and opened them again. "Is that even possible?"
"Everything we do is based on memories. There's nothing wrong with that." He hurt for her. She was confused and doubting her ability to make the decision that needed to be made. "There was a reason you bought the cabin, Jolene. With or without me, it's those memories that make you happy."
She gave a slight nod.
"Let me in." He swallowed hard. "Those dreams from the past are still my dreams. I look a lot older. I'm probably more of an asshole than you remember. But, damn it, I know I can love you more than I ever thought possible if you give me a chance."
"I'm scared," she said.
He stood, unable to sit any longer. "I'm scared, too. Not for me, because I have never been more sure about us. I don't
know what is going on in your head and to take care of you, protect you, and love you, I want back in."
"I want you back," she whispered. "Will you help me?"
He held out his arm. She laid her hand in his.
He led her back to the rocker, put her on his lap, and held her. She'd already made the hardest step required.
"Do you want to know a secret," she whispered.
He kissed the top of her head. "I want to know everything."
"I planned to buy outdoor furniture for the porch this spring and had circled the café lights and a fireplace in one of the catalogs in the house." She sighed. "The fact that you picked the same things and surprised me with them makes everything more special. Like you're even more a part of the cabin, and that makes me feel good."
"I can make it even better," he said.
She leaned her head back and looked at him. "How?"
"Let me spend the night. Let me hold you. Have sex with you. Wake up in the morning with you in my arms."
She sat up and kissed him. He wasn't taking a chance that she'd change her mind and scooped her up and carried her into the house.
CHAPTER 27
Sex is emotion in motion. — Mae West
The next morning, Caiden walked to the end of the bed and kneeled between Jolene's legs then caressed her thighs. She quivered under his hands, which never left her. Her eyes involuntarily closed. Her breathing came faster. Her nipples constricted into tight, hard, nubs. Her arousal led by her desire to be closer to him and followed by what he was doing to her.
Heaven.
Panic.
Heavenic
Yes, heavenic was how she'd describe her new reality.
He was her drug, her redemption, her happiness, and she needed him worse than her next breath.
Leaning forward, Caiden braced himself on his elbows and spread her legs. He swiped his tongue along her slit. The wet, warmth so shocking, she arched, stretching underneath him. He placed his hand on her lower stomach, holding her in position.
All her strength in her arms and legs melted away. She attempted to wrap herself around him and instead found herself unable to perform the simplest of tasks. His mouth soothingly assaulted her, turning her to a mewling bystander while he indulged himself.
