"Too corny?" I scrunch up my nose as I wait for Amber's reaction.
Her face remains still, and I'm waiting for her to burst into tears with laughter. She's seen a few of my pieces, but I'm still nervous. I guess I know I do a good job, but it's all subjective. Things I think work, others may find cluttered or child-like.
"I love it, Chelsea. Great job." She glances over at James and back at me. "When are you introducing James to Jay?"
"I'm not sure yet." I place the picture on the table and push on it more to guarantee it won't slip out of place. "We've only been together a little over a month. I think that's too soon."
"Really? You two seem pretty into each other."
James runs into the room, his face completely covered in stickers. We both burst out laughing. "Look, mama!"
"You're so silly!" I snatch my phone and click a picture, but he darts off so it's slightly blurred. When he goes back into the living room, I continue with Amber. "Yeah, we are. I'm not ready, though. If things don't work out, I can't do that to James." He's sitting on the couch now peeling the stickers off his face and sticking them on his arms.
Amber takes a seat on the floor. "I understand. Do you think you'll get to that point?"
"I hope so." The day I introduce Jay to my son is the day I realize I love him. Not a minute sooner. I can't screw things up for him.
"Me, too." She reaches over and taps me on the knee. "You deserve this. A happy ending."
I do. But why is it so hard to get there?
chapter eighteen
The airplane soars above us and rattles the car. Jay and I are lying on a blanket on the hood of his car watching the planes land at General Mitchell International Airport. "I bet that one is returning from Rome. Lovers on their honeymoon."
"No," Jay shakes his head. "Colorado. A group of twenty-year-olds trying to get their hands on some pot."
I can't help but laugh. "I'm so glad I'm over that stage of my life."
"Heavy drug user when you were young?" He asks, sarcasm in his voice.
I jab him in the arm. "Hardly. My experimentation with drugs started and ended with one joint at seventeen. I got so sick to my stomach I threw up."
"Rookie."
"And proud of it. I'm glad I never fell into that trap."
"It can be vicious. I've seen first hand."
He's staring into the sky and I want to ask more. I don't want to pry, but I want details about his life. I adjust myself so I'm resting on my elbows. "Someone close to you?"
"What?" He turns his head in my direction. "Oh, no. No one I know personally. I witness the effects in patients, that's all."
"Oh, I thought you meant -"
"No, sorry about that." He sits up with me and puts his arm around me. "Clean as a whistle, as is my family. Drug, disease, and animal free."
"Animal free?"
"I'm allergic."
"So you're not allergy free."
He pulls me closer to him and I inhale the smell of a bright sunny morning. "I guess not. Let's talk about you a bit. How did you get into scrapbooking?"
I'm taken off guard. I think this may be the first time anyone asked me this question. I'm racking my brain trying to think of the first design I ever created. "Once James was born, I wanted to capture every moment. I'd seen plenty of scrapbooking magazines in the stores. Whenever I go into Michael's, I'm drawn to the stickers, and I thought I would give it a go. Who knew I had a knack for it?"
He takes my hand and we lie back again. Another plane flies over us and for a moment I want to run into the airport and take a random flight anywhere with this man. "How did you start selling them online?"
"My friend Amber. She suggested I try. I called her crazy, but I do sell some. I earn a little extra income."
"Well, I think it's great."
I turn on my shoulder and let my hair fall over my eyes slightly. "You do?"
"Yeah. You're a single mom working full-time and running your own business. You should be proud of yourself."
It's funny how someone else looking at your life from the outside views it so differently. I'm a good mom. I love my son and do the best I can to provide for him, but I never considered myself a huge success. I lay my head back down. "Sometimes I feel like an airplane."
"What do you mean?"
"Some days, more often than not, I feel like I'm floating above myself, up in the clouds. Life moves on below me, and I'm just passing by."
"Why?"
I've never shared this much with anyone. Not even Amber. "My days are all the same. Get up, take care of James, go to work, take care of James, go to sleep, wake up, and repeat. Don't get me wrong — I love my life. But you ..." I squeeze in closer. "You've been a nice addition to my routine."
"I'm a routine, huh?" He rolls over and tosses his arm over my waist. A few days ago, I would've shoved him away, afraid to let him touch me there in case he felt my flab. Today, I welcome it.
"A quite sexy one, too."
Our lips touch as another plane races by. I'm holding onto him as though the shaking from the plane will toss me off the hood of the car. I'm so afraid of falling, mostly of falling in love with this man. My heart is fragile.
"Ew!" Two young voices call out in unison. We glance over at the car next to us and a boy and girl are hanging out their car window watching us.
"Whoops. I suppose we don't want to give them a show ... or make their parents mad." I pull away and take his hand instead.
"Did you always want to be a doctor?"
"Since five years old."
"That early? Really?"
"Really. My dad broke his arm when he fell off a ladder and I helped take care of him. He told me I did such a good job I should become a doctor. That moment I decided that's what I would do."
I imagine Jay as a young boy taking care of an older man. He's short, wearing an oversized coat and a toy stethoscope around his neck. "That's amazing."
"What about you? What did you always dream of becoming?"
"A mom." I don't even hesitate. "I never went anywhere without a doll to take care of. All my dolls slept in my room, and at night, I sang them a lullaby. Some I rocked until I fell asleep in the chair. My mom often needed to put me in bed. I always wanted a child, just not under the circumstances it happened."
"Sometimes the worst of circumstances heed the best outcomes."
I admire those who can take a negative thing and put a positive spin on it. I try, but sometimes in a difficult situation it's not easy picking out the good. Sometimes people who find the gold at the end of the rainbow keep searching for something more, as though what they found isn't good enough. I need to recognize the positive aspects in my life. "Like a bee sting?"
Jay pinches my arm, and I don't wake up because this is far from a dream.
chapter nineteen
Thunderstorms arrive today. All morning the thunder cracks and the lightning brightens up the clouded sky. Lucky thing Jay and I plan on going to the gym, rather than taking our training outside. I'm glad I decided on the membership to the rec center. Maybe once he finishes coaching me, I can upgrade my workouts to things like lifting weights. If I build enough confidence, I'll take a class or two. People talk about Zumba, and that may be fun, or I can join the older ladies in a water aerobics class. We'll see.
The workout room is packed. Again. I'm a little surprised more people don't work out at the major gyms around here. Then again, a lot of people with families probably have memberships here and take swimming classes and participate in other family activities. The rec center offers more than exercise and sports, which is why I love this place so much. I think I'll check out their booklet and sign James up for something for toddlers. He'd like that.
I graduated to training without Jay's guidance. I control the treadmill and intervals while he works out next to me. I'm able to jog for longer periods. Today Jay is using the elliptical, but I hope at some point he'll switch machines and do some weight lifting. I want to admire his muscles i
n action.
"Any young girls in distress over a bee sting come into your office lately?" I tease Jay about the first time we met.
He presses a button on the machine to increase his speed and begins to run as I start my program.
"You're the only one this season."
I tingle a bit inside as he winks. "Good. Let's keep it that way." I show a small jealous side even though I'm only kidding around. I rather like being a couple and enjoy Jay's company.
We've only slept together a few times. We've had one incredible time (the first), but most times are quick and sweet. Each time is fantastic, I mean, it is sex with Jay, but the problem is finding the time and place to do so. I don't want to bring him back to my place with James there, and I don't often get the chance to go to Jay's house. We spend a majority of our time together working out and getting me ready for the 5K. I'm anxious when the two of us can take off for a weekend. From the length of his runs, I know he has stamina, and that can only work in my favor.
"How's everything moving along with your practice?" I'm still able to chat while walking on the treadmill, and he does pretty well responding to me, although he stops talking every once in a while to take a breath.
"Great for the most part. We almost hit another snag with financing, I guess, but my partner got everything worked out."
"That's good. When do you expect to open up?"
"Not until next year I'm sure." He checks how far he's gone. "We need to hire staff, too. Nurses, a couple patient representatives. It's not as simple as just sticking us doctors in a building and opening for business. Although, I admit that would be nice."
I laugh. "I bet." If only everything in life were so simple.
"How's your online store?"
My work week can only be compared to hell, and Jay is well aware, so I'm relieved he doesn't want me to talk about it. I got into an argument with a coworker and I fumed about it all week. I'm still pissed. "It's going well. A few orders trickled in yesterday and today. I opened a Facebook account for my business and seem to be gaining some fans there." I'm shocked my business page is all I've used Facebook for recently. I'm keeping my promise to myself and no longer stalking Daniel and Lauren's pages. Jay and I aren't even friends on there. I'm not even sure he has an account. I'm glad we're too busy to waste our time on social media. "I can't devote as much time as I want to making the pages, though. I should go to a scrap-a-thon to get something done."
"A scrap-a-thon?" He inclines the ramp slightly.
I realize this is the first time I'm mentioning one. "Sorry. A weekend get away for scrapbookers. A huge group of scrapbookers get together at a hotel and spend the day and night working on pages. I meet a lot of people that way and get tons done."
"You should do that. You deserve it."
I do deserve it. I'm so tired working full time and being a single parent. I make time for these dates, but I'm exhausted. "Thanks. Sometime soon. I need to create some new pages."
He slows the treadmill down until it comes to a stop, reaches over, and turns mine off as well. "How about you make a special page just for you and a young, eligible doctor you just met?" He leans over and kisses me. I want him to kiss me every second of the day.
Little does he know, I did this, and the picture is in my car. I plan on giving it to him later, and I can't wait for his reaction. Unless it's bad, in which case I'll regret ever making it.
"Chelsea!"
"Mom?" I turn as soon as I recognize the voice. "What are you doing here?"
She races over to me out of breath and waving something in her hands. "You need to see this. Now." She glances at Jay, but doesn't introduce herself or anything. I don't offer the intro, either.
"How did you? Where's -" She's supposed to be watching James while I'm at the gym.
"With Dad." She hands me an envelope. "Look."
The return address lists the County's. She already opened the packet, so I pull out what's inside. "What is this?" I start to unfold the paper.
"Custody papers. Daniel is suing for custody of James."
•••
I excuse my mom and tell her I'll deal with the paperwork once I get home. Right now, I can't process a thing, and Jay's burning stare in my peripheral vision already has me on edge. As soon as she leaves, Jay suggests we get back into our street clothes and meet out in the lobby.
A dozen emotions swirl through my body as I change. My first thoughts belong to my son and what's about to happen. I honestly didn't expect Daniel to go so far as to file anything against me. Did he even realize that by submitting the paperwork he committed himself? My mind is so blurred I can't even review the details. Does he want complete custody? Is he only asking for visitation? Depending on what he wants, the situation may not be as bad as I fear.
Then Jay. I promised him this wouldn't happen. No drama. Daniel's out of my life. Why did my mom need to come and burst in and spring this on me? Why couldn't she wait until I got home? A text asking me to come home would have been appropriate. She had no right to open an envelope addressed to me. Now I'll try my best to salvage things with Jay.
I run a brush through my hair and enter the lobby, where Jay sits on a bench, waiting for me. His head is buried in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. I stand, watching him, wondering what he's thinking. I hope I didn't ruin our relationship. I really like him and think we're headed somewhere. Somewhere I never thought I could be.
"Hey," I say as I sit next to him. "So, I guess I should explain." I set my bag on the floor and rest my hands on my legs.
He lifts his head and lets out a sigh. "I think it's self-explanatory. I thought this guy pretty much didn't exist."
"He contacted me awhile ago and I met him at the library. He wanted to be involved. I told him no, and then reconsidered. When I went to discuss it with him, he said some things and I changed my mind. He threatened to take me to court. I didn't believe him."
"Why wouldn't you believe him?"
"Because he's Daniel. All he ever did was lie to me. I considered it an empty threat."
Jay shakes his head and pulls the straps to his gym bag. "Why would anyone lie about something like that? A child's life is in the balance here, and you're playing games with your ex. This isn't high school, Chelsea."
"I know that." I let my arms fall to my sides, and I'm shrinking with every sentence he says.
"Do you?"
"Yes." This isn't fair. He's treating me like I'm a child. He wasn't there and can't understand.
"I'm not so sure. I get he ran off when you got pregnant and that sucks. But if this guy came back and wants to make things right, why doubt him?"
Daniel hurt me once and I'll be damned if he hurts me again. I exhale, pushing back the bad energy bubbling inside me. Hair falls into my face and I tuck it behind my ears. I'm stuck. I reached a dead end. "You hate me, don't you?"
"No. I don't hate you, but, I do second guess your character." He grips the handles harder. "You lied to me. You told me this would never happen."
I swallow, hard as it is. "What does this mean? For us?"
He grabs his gym bag and stands up. "I'm not sure, Chelsea. I never imagined myself with a ready-made family. I always pictured meeting someone, falling in love, and ... we just met a few months ago but getting married? Maybe we'd end up there. Now, I don't think so. I can't be involved with all this. I don't have time." He rakes his fingers through his hair. "I don't have the energy. Not when I'm trying to open up my own practice."
His words sting through my heart, and my throat clogs with tears as I wait for the but. But I like you a lot and want to make this work. But we just started dating and I want this to go somewhere. But I realize your being a mom doesn't change who you are and how I feel about you.
The "but" never comes.
chapter twenty
Should I be surprised he walked away? Considering my life events, probably not. I race home without any time to even think about my breakup with Jay. My time is better spent read
ing over the paperwork sent to me. My dad finally talks to me to tell me we'll meet with his lawyer Thursday of next week.
I drudge through the weekend, and Monday at work is anything but easy. Sitting at my desk all day, my mind bounces between the custody papers and how to get Jay back. I keep my phone on do not disturb as long as I'm able without my manager yelling at me. I take numerous bathroom breaks and shed a tear or two (or three, or nine, or seventy-five). Amber asks what's wrong, but I'm not ready to tell her yet. She interrogates me multiple times, but I can't bring myself to discuss what happened. I want to text Daniel and ask him why he needs to destroy my life and his son's. But who am I fooling? Who am I to stop him if he wants to see James? Regardless of the fact he hasn't been in his life, or even acknowledged his birth, biologically James is his son and Daniel is James' father.
Lunch is spent alone in my car. The weather outside can't be any more gorgeous, but I don't want to walk. I'll go to the gym later. Despite all that's happening, I'm not losing sight of the end goal. No matter what I'm running that race. Hundreds of others are too. They can provide the buffer between me and Jay. Amber texts me four or five times while I'm at lunch trying to get me to talk, but I ignore her. I'll go to her when I'm ready.
At around two o'clock my manager, Barb, sends me an email. 'Meet in my office in 5 minutes to chat' is the subject line, with no text in the body besides her signature. I hate how she puts her entire email in the subject line. My phone rested on DND a major portion of the time I've been logged into the system. I'm nervous I'm probably going to get written up.
At 2:05 I walk into her office and she asks me to shut the door. A closed door is never good. I take a seat across from her desk. I'm not used to being in here alone. My memory rushes through the past week. I haven't been late, all my documents are in order, and for the most part I kept to myself. I don't recall any conversations with coworkers that would land me in trouble. My mouth dries up and I can't stop shifting my legs.
Jay Walking (Pastime Pursuits) Page 10
