Trenton.
Her expression must have conveyed the shock of seeing Randy’s lover on her doorstep. He seemed nervous, as if expecting her to start yelling at him. Yet all she wanted to do was slam the door in his face.
“Hello, Kristen.”
Even the sound of her name coming from his mouth was enough to make her sick. As much as she tried to be civil, all she really wanted to do was scream at him. Stepping out onto the front porch, she closed the door behind her and glared at him. There was no way in hell she was going to let him take one step inside her house.
“What are you doing here? I have nothing to say to you, Trenton.” She tried to keep her voice down so as not to attract the neighbors, but all she wanted to do was shout at the top of her lungs.
“I thought I might find Randy here.”
For a moment she thought she might have misunderstood him, yet he stood there and waited for an answer, his gaze empty. He wasn’t joking. Incredulously, she realized he was serious.
“Why would you think that? I haven’t spoken to him since the day he left me…for you.”
She was shaking now. The sheer anger that rose inside of her made her voice quiver. She wished Austin were standing by her side. This man shouldn’t be here. He had no right to be here.
“He left me, Kristen. He wants to see you. He’s never gotten over the guilt of what he…of what we…did to you,” Trenton said, his voice devoid of emotion. “We still talk, but it’s never about us anymore. It’s always about you. I thought after hearing about the storm damage here he might have finally gotten the courage to come talk to you.”
Kristen felt as if the breath had been knocked out of her. Her mind began to reel and she felt sick to her stomach. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.
“You tell Randy that I don’t want to see him, and if he steps one foot on my property I will have him arrested. We have nothing to talk about.”
Her voice sounded high-pitched; she was agitated now and on the verge of screaming. She just wanted this over. She didn’t want to see Randy. She didn’t want to be anywhere near him. Why this? Why now?
“Please just listen to what he has to say. I know that I have no right to ask anything from you, but I love him. Maybe with your forgiveness he’ll find some way to forgive himself…and come back to me.”
Shaking her head furiously, she took two steps back from him. She had never wanted to hit someone more than she wished to hit this man right now. She didn’t trust herself being near him.
“Forgiveness? You’re asking me to forgive him just so he’ll come running back home to you?” she asked, trying very hard to make sense of what she was hearing. She placed her hands on her hips, afraid if she didn’t anchor them she would claw his eyes out. “Who the hell do you think you are asking me to do anything for you?”
It was his turn to step back from her. He looked terrified and, honestly, he should be, she thought. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he seemed unsure of how to continue.
“Kristen…”
She’d had enough. All she wanted was to be as far away from this man as possible.
“The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to get away from me. I have nothing else to say to you.”
He didn’t question her or try to change her mind. He must have realized it wouldn’t have done him any good. She was angry, so angry that it was hard to stand still. She wanted to hit something, and if he didn’t get away from her it was bound to be him.
Without another word, he turned to leave. Even after she heard his vehicle drive away, she couldn’t move. She still couldn’t bring herself to believe what had just happened. Taking several deep breaths, she walked back inside the house, picked up a vase on the foyer table, and hurled it as hard as she could against the wall at the opposite end of the hallway, where it shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.
Sliding to the floor, she hugged her knees to her chest and wept. It was the first time she had let herself cry since the day Randy walked out of her life.
Chapter Six
Kristen did nothing the rest of the day, even after the electricity was restored. While the rest of her neighbors scurried to clean their lawns and driveways despite the pouring rain, she remained on her sofa, staring hopelessly out the window. The phone rang several times, but she never answered it except the one time her boss had called, shortly after Trenton left, to let her know that he had assigned her to cover the storm damage since she lived in the heart of where the worst of the storm had hit. For the first time in a very long time, she asked him to give the story to someone else.
She just wanted to be left alone.
It felt as though she had been transported right back to where she started. All her defenses were down now. She didn’t want to move. She didn’t want to talk. Later that afternoon as she sat in the rocker on her front porch watching the rain fall, she didn’t attempt to leave, even when she saw Randy’s car appear in her driveway. It didn’t surprise her to see him, and she no longer cared. She was numb.
He looked uncomfortable as he slowly walked up the front steps, almost as if he was afraid to approach her. With a sideways glance at him, she thought to herself he looked the same as he did the last time she had seen him, except for the bloodshot eyes and unkempt clothing.
Coming to stand in front of her, he leaned against the front porch railing, forcing her to look up at him. For the longest time, neither one of them said a word. She had thought about this moment several times in the past year. The moment he would come crawling back to her, seeking forgiveness. Now instead of reveling in it, she just wanted it over with. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t find it in her heart to feel anything.
She was sure the neighbors were probably huddled behind their curtains wondering what was going on, but it didn’t bother her anymore.
“Trenton called me. He said he spoke to you this morning.”
“Yes,” she replied, steadily rocking in her chair. “What do you want, Randy?” She looked past his shoulder at the rain. She didn’t want to look at him anymore. It was obvious he had been crying, and yet it didn’t stir her emotions in any way. She couldn’t even be angry.
Kneeling in front of her, he placed his hands on both arms of the chair to stop her from rocking. “Why won’t you look at me, Kristen? Why won’t you talk to me? Yell at me. Scream. Just do something,” he pleaded.
Finally resting her gaze on him, she sighed, resigned.
“I have been angry. It’s what has kept me moving ever since the day you left. I have yelled and I have screamed, and I just can’t do it anymore, Randy. I’m tired of feeling anything where you’re concerned.”
The tears began to roll down his face as she again looked at the falling rain. She had dreamed of the day she could rip into his heart. To finally be able to pay him back for the humiliation and heartache she endured the day he left her standing alone in a church full of people. She had wished for the day when she could see him crying and ashamed over what he did to her, and now the day had arrived and she felt…nothing.
“I’m so sorry, Kristen. I never should have hurt you. I should have handled things differently. It was wrong and you didn’t deserve that, no one does. I don’t know what else I can say to make you believe me. I truly am sorry.”
She heard his words as a faint echo on the breeze. It was a surreal moment. One that she was sure was happening, yet she looked upon it from a distance. The sun was starting to set and she watched, never taking her gaze from it.
“If it’s my forgiveness you want then it’s yours, Randy. I give it to you. Now please…just go home.”
He waited several minutes as if expecting her to say something else, but she was done. There was nothing else to be said. She was spent. Physically and emotionally drained. Rising to his feet, he looked at her one last time before making his way off the porch. At the same moment, Austin pulled into his driveway, his company truck clanging and rattling from all the heavy equip
ment attached to the back of it.
Alarmed to see her disheveled and motionless on her front porch, he bounded across her lawn and up the front steps in several quick strides. As he knelt in front of her, she could see the concern in his eyes.
“Kristen? What’s wrong? Who was that?” he asked, turning to look at Randy’s car as he pulled out of the driveway and onto the street.
“Randy.”
As soon as she said his name, she felt Austin’s whole demeanor change. His body stiffened and his gaze clouded over.
“What did he want?” he asked angrily.
“He wanted forgiveness…and I gave it to him,” she said.
Austin relaxed, placed his hands on top of her legs, and smiled at her. It was a hesitant smile, as if he wasn’t sure of what to do or say next.
“Isn’t that what you needed? Some type of closure?” he asked.
She looked over his shoulder at the rain, wondering if it would ever stop.
“I’m tired, Austin. I need to get some sleep.”
He gripped her legs tighter, shaking his head furiously back and forth.
“No, Kristen. You’re not doing this again. You’re not going to shut me out.”
She tried to stand, but he refused to let her.
“Austin, please…”
“Don’t do this,” he pleaded, reaching up to caress her face. She tried to smile at him, but she couldn’t find it in her to do anything at the moment. All she wanted was to go to sleep and pretend that this day had never happened.
“What about last night?” he asked. “You can’t tell me that was just sex and nothing more. I won’t believe you. I refuse to. What happened? This morning when I left you were so happy and you had this beautiful glow in your eyes and now… it’s gone.”
Exhaling deeply, she tried to stand again, and this time he moved out of her way.
“I’m tired, Austin. Please, let’s just talk about this tomorrow.”
Before she could make her way to the front door, he reached out to take her hand.
“There won’t be a tomorrow. I can feel it.”
Pulling from his grasp, she walked to the door.
“Kristen…” he began. She stopped, never turning to look at him as he spoke. “I can’t promise I’ll be there when you decide to stop running.”
Closing her eyes briefly, she took another deep breath before opening the door and disappearing inside.
*
A week passed. Seven days filled with an emptiness Kristen couldn’t separate herself from. Taking a long overdue vacation from work, she used the time to reflect and somehow find a way to sort things out in her heart and mind. She didn’t have much of an opportunity to do that, though. As soon as her mother caught wind of Randy’s visit, she had rushed to her daughter’s side, ready to pack up her things and move her back home.
From the very beginning, her mother had objected to her moving away from their small hometown. Rationalizing that it was better to grieve around those who love you, she had been very disappointed when Kristen decided to move far away from it all to handle things her own way. Now that the past had somehow found its way into her future again, her mother held on to the same hope that Kristen would want to come back home, and it had taken every ounce of energy she had to convince her mother that she was okay. She had never taken the time to mourn when Randy left, and it was past time to do that and begin a new chapter in her life. From day one she had thrown her frustrations into her job and never looked back until the moment he stepped on her front porch again.
With her mother’s help, she began packing up every item in her home that had once belonged to him. For so long she had clung to those things, fearing if she let them go that she would have no other choice but to open her heart to someone else.
Austin had kept to his word. She hadn’t seen or spoken to him since the day Randy had visited. Every so often she would peer out her window hoping to catch a glimpse of him, but his curtains remained closed. The only time she saw him outside was when he left for work early in the morning or came home from work late in the afternoon. She missed him more than she cared to admit.
“Is this the last box?” her mother asked, picking up a small box from the foyer table before turning to hug her.
“Yes. Last one.”
“Honey, are you sure you’re going to be okay? I can stay a little longer if you need me to.”
Kristen forced a smile. As much as she loved her mother, and as grateful as she was for her wanting to protect her, she was really looking forward to her leaving. She needed to be alone. Hugging her close one last time, she opened the front door.
“Yes, I’m fine. Now please stop asking me that.” She laughed softly.
As soon as they stepped outside onto the front porch, something caught her eye. Looking toward Austin’s house, she saw him standing beside a car, his arms wrapped around a beautiful brunette. Her heart sank.
“You okay, honey?” her mother asked.
Trying to focus once again, she managed a smile, and hugged her one last time. “I’m fine, Mom. Thanks again for staying with me and helping me get rid of this stuff. Give Dad a kiss for me.”
“Okay, will do. Love you.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
As her mother walked to her car, Kristen never once glanced in Austin’s direction again. She would rather die than let him know she had seen him with the other woman. Turning on her heel, she went back inside the house, afraid if she didn’t she would break down and cry. She had no right to. It was her fault anyway. She was the one who had pushed him into the arms of someone new. She had absolutely no one to blame but herself. He was a wonderful man and he had every right to find someone who made him happy. She had walked away from that chance.
Looking around the house, she was struck at how empty it felt. Austin was gone. Randy was gone. Nothing remained but the closure she had sought for so long…and even that brought no comfort.
*
Late that evening, as Kristen paced the floor in her pajamas, she prayed for sleep to come. It was almost midnight and so far nothing had worked to soothe her. Not a warm bubble bath or a glass of wine. Not even a book. She was tense. Her body had become a tightly wound bundle of nerves ever since seeing Austin with the brunette in his driveway.
More rain had settled in that weekend, but thankfully it didn’t bring the storms as the previous one had. After turning off all the lights in the house except for the small lamp in the den, she walked upstairs to her bedroom, hoping that if she lay down she would eventually fall asleep. Huddling under the covers, she turned on her side and tried to force Austin from her mind.
Still, as with the nights before, her thoughts turned to the nights she had spent in his arms. Just the thought of his touch made her body ache with a fierceness that drove her mad. She could still feel his hands, his lips and his tongue.
I’ve got you, Kristen. Just let it go. With a moan, she flipped on to her other side and squeezed her eyelids tightly together, trying to block out his voice. The thought of him whispering in another woman’s ear, perhaps the brunette she had seen this morning, was enough to bring her to tears. Her thoughts turned to Randy and Trenton, and instantly she felt the anger brewing inside her. Knowing that Randy, at this very moment, was probably back in Trenton’s arms, was enough to make her furious.
She had forgiven him, but still she would never forget. He was the one who had left her on their wedding day. He was the unfaithful one. Why did he even deserve her forgiveness? He should be the miserable one. He should be alone right now, not her.
If you had moved past it then you wouldn’t let him continue to rob you of what you want and what you need, which is someone to love you.
Austin’s words echoed above the rain, causing her to sit straight up in the bed. He had been right all along. She hadn’t been able to move forward, but that had changed since he unexpectedly stepped into her life and forced her to see things she had tried so hard not to see.
She had surrendered to him only to push him away again when she felt scared. She should have run to him. She shouldn’t have let him walk away. She did deserve to be loved and wanted. She deserved happiness, marriage, children…everything she had once felt was stolen from her the day Randy had walked out of her life.
She could still have those things but now the only person she wished to share them with was in the arms of someone else and it was all her fault. It was too late.
Her body shook and her heart thudded painfully against her chest. Leaping from the bed, she paced the floor. The inner battle raging inside her twisted her stomach into painful knots as she placed her hand there, trying to calm herself by taking several deep breaths. What if she wasn’t too late? If there was ever a time in her life when she was given the opportunity to make things right, then this was it. She couldn’t think straight, she couldn’t make sense of anything at the moment, but she knew she had to do something before she lost her courage.
Leaving the bedroom, she raced down the stairway and out the front door, not looking back.
*
Her clothes soaked and her hair dripping wet, Kristen wasn’t sure how long she stood on the sidewalk in the pouring rain, staring at Austin’s front door. His lights were off and all was silent on the empty street except for the rain falling.
She could think of a thousand reasons it would have been easier to just go back home instead of facing him, but she wasn’t going to do that. Not again. She was tired of being the strong one. She had grown weary of running from him and everyone else who had tried to get close to her.
Grasping tightly to the last bit of willpower within her, she walked up the front steps, across the porch, and knocked on the front door. She waited a couple of minutes. Nothing. Knocking louder, she silently willed him to answer the door before she lost her resolve.
Finally a light came on and she could faintly hear footsteps descending the stairway. She was shaking so badly that she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to say anything. What if she lost her nerve? What if the brunette was with him?
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