“Can’t you tell him to slow down? She’s been through enough already.” I wanted to tell April to be quiet. That they were doing their best, but when I opened my mouth to speak, I started hacking uncontrollably. Jack pressed a water bottle gently to my lips and I drank it gladly. It seemed to ease the dryness in my throat, if only momentarily. It had been at least a day since my water bottle had run out and with my fever, I was dehydrating fast.
“Not unless you want to be stuck outside in the middle of the woods at sunset,” Billy replied sarcastically.
I reached for the tiny silver compass, attached to the chain around my neck, for comfort. It was a habit I had only recently realized I had. My compass was like an anchor for me to hold onto when the fear of the creatures entered my mind. It had been a gift from my father, for my last birthday we celebrated together.
My sister shot Billy a dirty look, before returning her focus to me. She gently stroked my cheek, like she had when I was little. When that sort of action, made a difference. “Don’t let him scare you.”
“Was that necessary,” Jack shot off in Billy’s direction. “Don’t worry,” he said returning his attention to me. “We’re getting close now. We’ll reach the safe house, well before nightfall.” He was looking at me with those kind eyes again. I believed him and loosened my grip on the compass. I couldn’t help staring at his face. At another time, I might have felt embarrassed not being able to take my eyes off him, but with death racing towards me, my fears were diminished.
Jack was everything I used to fantasize about, back when I had time for fantasies. He was kind, sweet, handsome. His lips looked good enough to kiss. Perhaps, I might even make that my dying wish. At that thought, I had to break eye contact to stop from smiling. Why was it, that death was making me so giddy? I’d never felt this way before. Never met any man that made me want to know more about him. The timing certainly sucked.
April was holding my hand, still stroking my cheek. Right, this was why I was in the truck. Not to ogle the handsome stranger, but to save my sister. I would hold on long enough to make sure she was safe, and then I could leave this world.
“Don’t even think about it,” April said looking into my eyes. She’d always been way too good at reading my thoughts. She’d inherited her mindreading abilities from our mother, not that she’d admit to having anything in common with her.
This scenario was not new to us. Well, facing eminent death was. We were always close to death. Always on the run and we took our turns strengthening the other, especially after April lost her husband. She had lost more than the man she loved. She had lost her will to survive. I had been the one to drag her on the road, find food, shelter. It was precisely because I had taken on that leadership role, that I was so sick. Not that I blamed her for that. But it was clear that if I died, she’d never forgive herself.
With what little time I had left, I needed to convince her that there would be life after she lost me. This village was what we had searched for; but didn’t believe could possibly exist. A safe zone for her to recover, after my loss. And she would recover; if she’d just let them help her.
She was still staring at me, waiting for me to try and deny what I was thinking. I searched my mind for words that might bring her comfort, but my head was so heavy now. I could no longer feel the bumps, that we were surely still driving over. I couldn’t feel my body either. April must have sensed the change in me because true panic came into her eyes. “Slow your breathing,” she said putting my hand on her chest, showing me how to take deep slow breaths.
There was this strange whistling sound, coming from somewhere in the truck. It took a moment for me to realize it was coming from me. I tried to listen to April, to focus on her breathing. To copy it. But I couldn’t. My chest hurt and my vision was getting blurry.
“Don’t you dare leave me,” she sobbed into my ear. Everything around me disappeared as I was plunged into darkness.
CHAPTER TWO
A void, that’s where I was. There was nothing around me. I couldn’t see anything, hear anything. The darkness was creeping up over me. This wasn’t right. Even after the world went to hell, I still believed in Heaven. I was a good person. Surely there should be a light waiting for me. Someone I’d lost, waiting to take me home. There was nothing, but the overwhelming sense of loneliness. I had never been so scared in all my life. I reached for my compass, or at least tried to, but my body wouldn’t respond. A tear fell on my cheek. I felt that, I thought.
Was I still alive? If only I could just find the strength within me to wake up from this nightmare. With everything in me, I tried to open my eyes. To search out some sort of light in the darkness. Slowly I felt my right eye peel apart. The light was so bright, I had to close it right away. Another tear fell on my opposite cheek. I felt the familiar soft touch of a hand brushing away my tear. April.
“Hurry up,” I heard her yell. Relief flooded over me. I wasn’t dead. I wasn’t alone.
“Move,” Billy replied sternly. I felt rough calloused hands under my chin stretching it upwards. My mouth was being pulled open violently. Something cold and hard was being forced down my throat, cutting as it made its way down. My arms reached up instinctively to pull it out. “Hold her down,” Billy shouted.
Two sets of hands on each side of me were restraining me now as the hard object was being shoved deeper down my throat. I felt my back arching. Let me die in peace, I thought. I tried gagging it up. No one could hear me. There was no air coming in or out of my lungs. My chest was screaming for release when it finally came in the way of oxygen. Slowly it flowed down through what I assumed to be a tube. Relief flooded my lungs. My body relaxed. The tube hurt in my throat. I wanted it out, but I knew if it was bringing air to my lungs, then I was still alive, and April wouldn’t go and do anything stupid.
My arms were gently being strapped to whatever I was lying on. “Jack, I need you to get April out of here.”
No, I thought. I need her here. She was what I needed to help me focus, so I didn’t give into the fear.
“Over my dead body. I’m not leaving her side.”
“Billy, let her stay. We need somebody to keep the air flowing anyways.” Jack was here. He was the other set of hands. The sound of his voice was peaceful. It was a nice contrast to the other two in the room. Not being able to open my eyes was making me more attune to my other senses. I could practically feel the hostility in the room. Billy was irritable and my sister clearly distraught. Jack’s calming presence was a reprieve.
The air briefly stopped flowing, “Every five seconds. Understand?” There was no verbal response, but the air slowly flowed back in.
“What is that?” April asked in a high-pitched voice, that didn’t really belong to the sister I knew.
“The leg is too badly damaged to be saved. If we had the full resources of a hospital, then maybe…”
“Hell no!”
My body shuddered. “Shhhh,” Jack whispered.
“You are not cutting my sister’s leg off. She needs it.” I felt my body tense. In my mind I saw a large machete ready to hack off my leg. No, this was not what I wanted at all. They needed to just let me go. What was the point of torturing me for nothing? I was going to die anyways. It was too late for me. I’d already accepted it and now with this damn tube down my throat, there was no way for me to communicate to them my wishes. Another tear ran down my cheek.
“The infection has spread too far. To try and cut away all the dead and dying tissue would take too long and I doubt your sister could survive it.” It was the first time Billy’s voice had any empathy to it.
“You don’t know Summer. She’s strong enough. You said you could help her. Cutting off her leg would not help her in any way. Please just give her a chance to fight.” The anger was gone from April’s voice, replaced by something foreign…desperation.
There was silence in the room. Didn’t they realize I could hear every word? My sister was right. I would rather die trying to fight off this infection, t
han live as an amputee in a world that required a person to be able to run. Please just let me die. I tried to scream out the words, but they only echoed in my head.
“Do you know how to remove the dead tissue?” Jack asked softly. “We’ve got antibiotics if you could just…”
“I’ve only ever read about it in textbooks. I’ve never had any hands-on experience.”
“I thought you were a doctor.” April questioned.
“I was training to be a medic in the Norther Coalition Army when the world went to shit.” There’d been many military organizations that had attempted to restore order to our world prior to the outbreak, and none of them had succeeded. It was a surprise to me that we’d even run into a military person. Most of them went down with the ship when the virus took over their camps.
“He was at the top of his class,” his brother added. Again silence. Why wouldn’t they just get it over with already?
“A lengthy surgery is too risky. The sun will be down in less than an hour and I don’t have any sedative. All I can do is pump her with morphine and hope it dulls the pain enough for me to operate. But likely, she’s going to feel every cut. If she screams…”
“You’ve got a tube down her throat. She can’t scream, and even if she could, she wouldn’t. My sister is tougher than she looks.”
“Fine, but I’ll need both of you in here to help me, so tell me now if you can’t stomach the sight of blood.” There was no answer, but I could picture April rolling her eyes at him. She was not the squeamish type.
I felt something sharp jab into the crease of my arm. It only hurt for a moment. Then there was this cooling sensation flowing through my arm and the rest of my body. My body felt heavy, though I was still too cruelly aware of everything going on. No one was talking now. The silence was scaring me. I could hear tools being pulled out onto what sounded like a metal tray. I felt my pant leg being cut off. I really tried to hold still when Billy started cleaning the wound, but the pain was excruciating. I thought it hurt when I first sliced it open, but this pain was nothing like I had ever experienced before. A strong hand wrapped itself over mine. It wasn’t April’s. It was calloused and clammy, but I didn’t care. I felt myself reaching back and now I was squeezing Jack’s hand with all the strength I had in me. My body started shaking uncontrollably, as if from cold, but it was so much more than that.
“Jack, I need you to go grab the battery powered heater.”
“I’ll be right back,” Jack whispered into my ear as he released my hand. He kept his promise. Less than a minute later, I felt the warm heat spreading across my body and Jack’s hand slipped back into mine.
Even Jack’s kind gesture was not enough to keep me from feeling the pain of the scalpel as it sliced away at my skin. Focus on something else, I told myself. My sister was right. I was tougher than I looked. I could fight through this.
I let my mind leave the room, wander back across the distance April and I had travelled. All the way back to our home in Connecticut. I could see the long winding driveway up to our home. The one dad always complained about having to shovel in the winter, even though he had a ride-on snow plow that he loved using. I tried to remember what our house looked like all decked out at Christmas. Christmas was always my favourite time of year.
Our old, white colonial home was decorated with a fresh green wreath on the door, garland hung along the upper porch. White Christmas lights adorned the entire house. Of course, my dad always tried to sneak the multi-coloured lights in. It never worked. My mother always took them back down. Even though she was afraid of heights, she’d get up on a ladder and tear them down. She was more afraid of tacky decorations. It was funny to see how many ways my dad tried to sneak those old lights past my mom.
That last Christmas together had been perfect. My mom had finally relented to let us have our own tree to decorate in the family room, while her classy tree adorned the living room. Every slice into my leg I tried focusing on the white lights, the blue and silver balls on my mother’s tree. I tried to remember my family’s faces.
My oldest brother Adam, I could barely remember. His face was just a blur. All I could really make out of him was his eyes. He was the only one, who got our dad’s blue eyes. I always wished I had his eyes, instead of my boring brown. Then there was mom with her short brown hair beginning to grey. She liked to blame us for every new grey hair that grew in. I could see my brother Noah, just a few years younger than Adam. His freckles popped off his face, his mischievous smile let me know I was about to get in trouble along with him. My Dad was there too, but I couldn’t focus on him. Not on anything anymore.
Their faces faded as the pain intensified. I knew the others in the room were talking, but it all sounded mumbled to me. And then the pain slowly started to ease and the darkness around me turned to light. The room was glowing with a brilliant white light. It should have been painful to stare at, but it didn’t hurt. Not like the flashlight Billy had shone in my eyes earlier. Instead, it felt amazing, like being bathed in warmth. My body felt like I was floating up in the clouds.
In the midst of the light, a figure emerged. He was a shadow compared to the starkness of the white. He slowly moved towards me and as he did his face became clear. I saw his strawberry blonde, slightly receding hair, the scruff on his face. My mother used to always bug him about that. He was smiling at me, with his arms reaching out for me. I reached back and suddenly my head was on his chest and I was embracing my father for the first time in six years.
“Dad I missed you so much. I thought I’d never see you again,” I cried into his chest. His hand gently patted my hair. “How are you here? Am I…are we dead?”
I looked into my dad’s deep blue eyes. They looked thoughtful. With his thumb, he wiped a tear from my eye. “I am. But you’re not. Not yet anyways.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You have a choice to make. You can come with me, or you can go back…”
“I’m coming with you,” I shouted out excitedly, not giving it a second thought. I pulled him in for another hug. He felt so warm and smelt of Old Spice. That was the smell I’d gotten from Jack when he’d carried me. The one that was so familiar.
“I want you to think about this before you make this decision.”
He couldn’t be serious. What was there to think about? I could go and be with my dad again or I could return to a world full of monsters. It seemed like a no brainer to me. “I don’t need any time. I want to be with you.”
He smiled at me sadly. “What about April?”
April. I had completely forgotten about her. But she was safe now. I’d made sure of it. She’d survive without me. My dad looked at me thoughtfully. It felt like he was reading my mind.
“She’s already lost Andy. You saw what that did to her. Do you honestly think she’ll survive losing you too?”
“Dad, why are you saying this? Don’t you want me to go with you?” The tears were falling down my cheeks, landing on his hands as he held my face in them.
“I can’t tell you what to do. You need to make this choice for yourself. All I’m doing is reminding you that your choices have consequences.” Your choices have consequences. The words echoed in my head. I’d heard him say the exact same thing to my sister years ago, after she’d finally told my parents about her pregnancy.
My head fell onto his chest. I sobbed uncontrollably. His arms reached around to comfort me. He was right. I had to go back. April wouldn’t survive if I died. She’d do something stupid and get herself killed. “Dad you don’t know what it’s like. I’m scared all the time. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.”
He held me tight. “I wish I could tell you all that is waiting for you when you go back, but I’m not allowed.” I lifted my head, looking into his eyes I tried to understand what he was saying. “All I can say, is that while life will still have its obvious challenges, there are many blessings awaiting you. You just need to hang on and have a little faith. Can you do that?”
“Dad?” He paused. “Are…mom, Adam, Noah…are they still alive?”
He turned his head, smiled at me sadly and said, “Have faith.” Then he was gone. My soul slammed violently back into my body. The pain was very real again and so was the sobbing I heard coming from my sister.
“She’s back,” Billy said.
“What?” April cried out.
“Her heart rate’s steady. Just keep pumping that bag for her. I’m almost done here.”
I felt April lean in to kiss my cheek. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again. You stay away from the light,” she scolded. If only she knew how close, I’d been.
My body felt heavy against the bed. The pain was so intense, and I was so tired. I just prayed that it would be over soon, so that I could sleep. April’s hand caressed my cheek. “You’re so brave,” she whispered as she kissed my cheek. I hated it when she said that to me. It wasn’t true. I was a coward. I would have left her in this world and walked away peacefully into the light, if our father hadn’t stopped me. I wasn’t worthy of her love. She had never abandoned me, but I would have easily left her.
I don’t know how much longer the operation lasted. It went by fast, with April whispering encouragements into my ear and with Jack’s hand to hold onto when the pain became too intense. He never so much as even squirmed when I squeezed his hand with all my strength. Then again, my strength wasn’t exactly what it had been. All I knew was that when it was finally over, the painkillers that had been pumping through my body, were enough to finally allow me sleep.
CHAPTER THREE
Seeking Hope: Book 2 in the Seeking Saga Page 2
