Seeking Hope: Book 2 in the Seeking Saga

by Becky Poirier

  As for me, the only thing that kept me from completely losing consciousness was knowing that within this tiny room, with our cushions huddled around the pastor in a circle, like some kind of counselling session, that there was no way I’d get away with it. And I really didn’t want to embarrass Jack.

  I could feel Jack watching me. What he was watching for, I wasn’t sure. Maybe he was waiting for me to say something sarcastic, like April surely would have, if she were in on this meeting. I had several sarcastic comments come to mind, but I had more restraint than my sister. Maybe Jack was just worried about me being offended. The whole talk of saving souls really was going right over my head. It didn’t affect me at all. I didn’t believe I was anymore damned than the two soldiers who’d been bitten. They weren’t evil, just victims of circumstance. I didn’t buy into some grand design, but the pastor sure did.

  He wasn’t exactly being overly preachy about what led to the world we now lived in, but he did say it was meant to be a wake-up call. Either we changed now, or God wasn’t going to let us live to destroy this world anymore. Okay maybe I was taking a little offence. The innocent child who was bitten and turned… what did they ever do to piss off some wrathful deity? Nothing. They couldn’t have. It didn’t make sense to see this as punishment. If it were punishment, then the innocent would be spared. No, this was the result of what mankind had done. But the present crowd I was in didn’t seem like the types who’d want their faith questioned, so I kept my thoughts to myself and just hoped the hour would pass quickly enough. And if Jack asked me to come back here, the answer would be a polite no.

  The longer I sat there amongst the tiny group, the more out of place I felt. Jack was the only one I felt connected to. Kaia, though bored, was clearly a believer. Even though she didn’t enjoy service, you could see that she believed every word the pastor said. I was almost afraid to look at Jack to see if he really believed. I’d seen religion get in the way of relationships before. My grandparents, though married for over twenty years, eventually split because of their differing beliefs on faith. I was pretty sure that drama, was what led to my limited church experiences.

  Everyone else in the room got in on the conversation. Maybe Jack wanted to, but he kept his mouth shut. Maybe he had nothing to say or maybe he was worried about what I would think. His hand was still in mine through the entire sermon, and I could feel how sweaty it got as the meeting progressed.

  I don’t think I was the only one who was relieved, when the meeting was finally at an end. Jack stood up almost immediately, helping me to my feet. I could almost sense that he was in a hurry to get me out of there, and not for some good reason like making out or anything. I think he was seriously questioning his invitation to bring me here. Maybe the topic of the meeting wasn’t one they usually talked about. That was the only thing I could think of to explain his bizarre behavior. I was eager to leave too, but these were people he hung out with every Sunday. I couldn’t imagine that he normally just took off on them right after the meetings. That wasn’t like Jack. He was the type to hang around and visit being friendly with everyone he crossed paths with. Well almost everyone, but no one was really all that friendly with Michelle.

  Sneaking out, on a small tight group like this, wasn’t something that was just going to happen. Jack should have known better. The moment he tried to lead me out of the cabin we were accosted on all sides. I had people trying to tell me how happy they were that I’d decided to join them. Kaia was trying to get my attention of course as was her grandmother, Sofia. Sofia tried to talk to me about some new projects she was hoping to get started on, but then she noticed my hand all wrapped up and suggested that maybe I should take a break from the knitting and have a turn on the sewing machine.

  And then poor Jack had the pastor right there trying to chat him up. We were doing our best to be polite, but now we both really wanted to get out of there and I for one couldn’t think of a way to do it without looking rude. Jack was smart though, he came up with an excuse, how good it was, was still debatable.

  “We really need to get going,” he said finally interrupting the onslaught of conversation. “Summer forgot her cane in the bathhouse. We really need to go get it, so that her leg doesn’t start to bother her.”

  “You should go get it,” Kaia offered. “She can wait here with us until you return.”

  I gave Jack a side-long glance that said he should have thought about it before he said anything. I was able to make up for where he failed. “Actually, Kaia I’m finding the cabin really warm,” I said fanning my face with my hand. It wasn’t entirely a lie. I wondered if it was a double sin to lie inside a church, of course this was just a cabin masquerading as a church, so I was probably okay. “I could use the fresh air. And the bathhouse is near the dining hall and I’m starving.” That wasn’t a lie at all. My stomach was the verge of making some very embarrassing noises.

  The group looked like they were trying to find any excuse to keep both of us there, but Jack wasn’t about to let them come up with one. Before anyone else could offer up another suggestion, he whisked me right out of the cabin. I thought the moment the door closed behind us that he was going to pull me into a run. But he was sincere about getting my cane. He thought I still needed it. Whereas I was ready to be done with it, even though my leg was aching from the awkward sitting position I’d been in for the last hour.

  While we didn’t run, we did walk at a brisk pace until we were sure we were far enough away, that none of the others were close enough to hear us or catch up to us. “I’m so sorry,” Jack finally said, stopping on the path to catch his breath.

  “For what? Them being overly friendly or inviting the heathen to church to save her soul?” The last part I said with sarcasm, hoping it came out humorous rather than scolding, but by the way he was reacting, I could tell that wasn’t how he took it.

  “I swear that services are not normally like that. He’s never even broached that subject matter before. And I don’t know why he would have now, given last night’s circumstances. You probably think I’m part of some crazy cult, don’t you? Why are you smiling?”

  I laughed as I bit my lip. “You’re rambling again. If you need me to stop it, like I did last night, I could always do that for you.” The service was already out of my mind. Now I was struggling to focus on anything but his lips. Last night had been too brief. I was desperate to try it again. And by the smile that crept up on his face, I could tell he was thinking the same thing now.

  He pulled me behind one of the storage sheds we were walking past, with such speed that I lost my balance falling right into him. He was now pressed up against the side of the building, with me leaning on his chest. We were so close and our bodies so warm, that the cold air was nearly forgotten. I laughed nervously. This time he was the first one to make a move. He caught my lips mid laugh. The laugh died half-way down my throat as I was taken over in the sheer bliss of his kiss. It was so natural, like we’d been kissing as long as Andy and April had been. You wouldn’t think we were both so new to it.

  I loved being that close to him. When our lips intertwined with our bodies pressed up together, I lost all track of time. The rest of the world faded away. There were no monsters, no overbearing siblings. It was just the two of us.

  When we finally came up for air, he asked me, “Was this worth coming to church for?”

  I shook my head as I bit my lip. “No, it only makes me wish I’d dragged you off before we’d ever entered the cabin.” He laughed again as he placed his hand on my face, pulling me back towards his lips.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Things were looking up for me. Jack and I were on the right track. My sister, despite her misgivings over my new relationship, was trying to make this place work. My leg continued to get better and Michelle…well she’d slipped into the background. Whatever attempts she’d made to get rid of us had failed and any time we crossed paths, she’d turn around and walk in the opposite direction. I still caught her shootin
g Jack, and I dirty looks once and awhile, but there was no more smart talk from her.

  Life here in the village had never been better. Since the attempted attack from the monsters, it had been quiet. We didn’t hear so much as a howl from them. The forest had returned to normal as well. We were now able to hunt game around our village again. That didn’t stop me from being terrified every time Jack was assigned to the hunting party, which was a lot. Now that winter was in full swing, there was very little construction going on. He needed to make himself useful in other areas, which included hunting. It probably would have included scavenger hunts as well, but because of the team they’d lost last month, they weren’t risking anyone else…at least until the winter was over.

  Jack and I had been together for over a month now. It still felt new in so many ways, but in other ways, I felt like we’d been together forever. I’d known him for only a short time; but I felt like I could tell him anything. And I did. I told him things I’d never dare talk about with April. And he told me things he’d held back from Billy. We talked about those people in our families we missed. We talked about them a lot. Being with each other, was our safe place. We didn’t have to put on a brave face for the people we loved. We were allowed to feel and that was freeing for both of us.

  Jack and I had grown closer physically too. Not that we’d gone all the way yet; but it was certainly heading in that direction. We both wanted too or at least I thought we both wanted too. Most of the time, I was pretty sure I was ninety percent ready, but Jack didn’t really push the issue. I wasn’t sure if he was just nervous like I was or if there was something else behind it. I decided not to pressure him and just let our relationship develop naturally. When we were ready for that, then we’d both know. For now, making-out was still a lot of fun.

  We spent almost all our free time together. Neither April nor Billy was happy about that. April would never admit it, but I think she was feeling neglected despite the new friendships she’d actually managed to form. And I didn’t think Billy liked the idea of Jack growing up any more than April liked to see me as a woman. She was still struggling to let go of her mothering role. So far, I’d managed to avoid any awkward talks by making myself unavailable for such events, but after more than a month of dodging her, she’d finally caught me on my own.

  It was Sunday morning and Jack was off at church. He’d known better than to invite me again and I wouldn’t begrudge him his opportunity to worship how he wanted. It was the rare time when we weren’t both working that we were apart. I thought I’d managed to dodge April yet again. She was supposed to be on kitchen duty in the morning, so I’d waited to get out of bed until she’d left. But she was equally as sneaky as I was.

  She’d gotten dressed, left the cabin and even walked away. It was all a rouse. I think she’d made a big show of walking away from the cabin, only to tip toe back quietly. While she was doing that, I’d crawled out of bed and gotten ready to go to the bathhouse. The moment I’d opened the door, there she was, standing in front of me with a smug smile on her face and a cup of coffee in her hand.

  “Took you long enough to crawl out of bed,” she said, after taking a long sip from her coffee cup. “Oh, and by the way, I switched shifts. I’m on dinner duty tonight. We’ll finally have a chance to talk.” I rolled my eyes. “Scoot your butt back into the room. This conversation has been a long time coming.”

  I sat back down on my bed with a huff. “This is ridiculous you know? I am capable of making my own choices without you making your two cents known.”

  “How do you even know what I’m going to say?” She asked, as she sat down on the edge of the sofa. Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you’re so predictable, I thought. I didn’t dare respond out loud. This conversation was going to be horribly awkward no matter what argument I came up with. It was going to happen, and it was time to get it over with and hopefully in time, so that I could meet up with Jack before he headed for brunch.

  I waved my hand in the air. “Go on. Give your annoyingly overbearing advice already.”

  She rolled her eyes at me as she placed her mug down on the coffee table. “Do you honestly think I want to have this conversation?”

  “Well then that’s perfect, because, I don’t want to have it either. Problem solved. I guess I’ll see you at brunch then,” I said, standing up to leave. She wasn’t about to make it so easy.

  She was there to block my path before I could even make it halfway to the door. “Sit down,” she said, sternly. By the tiny smirk on her lips, I could tell she found me at least a little amusing. She sighed, as I flopped back on the bed.

  “We’re not having sex,” I finally blurted out. “This conversation really doesn’t need to happen.”

  “You want to, though?” I didn’t answer her, but I was sure my face gave my answer away. I shrugged my shoulders. She just shook her head. “To be honest, I’m a little surprised that you two haven’t already. Given the state of the world, most couples don’t wait anymore.”

  “So now you’re condoning me having a sex-life. Now I’m really confused.”

  She shook her head again. “Hell no. But I can’t stop it from happening any more than mom and dad were able to stop Andy and me. I get it, Jack makes you happy. I see that, and I want that for you. What I don’t want for you, is to have to live through the same consequences I did.”

  “I think we’re past the point of the safe-sex talk. You remember the library we lived in two years ago?” She nodded. “Well, I learned a lot from the non-fiction section while you and Andy were off on scavenging trips.” I could have also added that having sex with her husband while the two of them were only sleeping a few feet from me, was probably not the best way to keep me innocent. But I decided that might be pushing it. Not to mention it was embarrassing enough living through that once. I didn’t want to have to recall the events with her. They seriously could have at least moved to another room. It was a decent sized library.

  “We thought we were being safe too. But condoms break.” I could see tears welling in her eyes. And I doubted very much that it was regret over her pregnancy. She’d wanted that baby. She wanted every baby she’d ever been pregnant with. Experiencing a loss like that at eighteen…it changed her. Every pregnancy she’d lost, had taken a little bit more of her.

  I walked over to her, putting my arms around her. She held me tightly as a tear rolled from her eye to my cheek. “You don’t need to worry about me April. I promise when we’re ready, we’ll be careful.” In this village, they made birth control easy to access. They had condoms at the clinic, the bathhouse, and even at the dining hall. I guess they figured they already had a large enough population to feed, without adding more mouths.

  She pulled away just enough to look into my eyes. Her eyes were still brimmed with tears. She ran her fingers gently through my hair, just like she used to on the road to calm me. “I know you will be. You’re smart. But things happen, hormones can carry you away. You do know why I don’t want that for you right?”

  I knew exactly why. It had nothing to do with her not wanting me to have a baby or even the fear of me becoming pregnant too young. It was because she knew that I would more than likely experience what she had. The reason she lost every pregnancy was because of her blood type. When you have a negative blood type and your spouse has a positive…well with her, it led to her body attacking every embryo she ever carried. And along with sharing her skin tone, hair colour and eye colour, I also had the same blood type.

  I pulled April back into my arms. “I promise I’ll be careful,” I repeated. She nodded through the tears, before finally releasing me. “Now can I go wash-up?” I asked with a smile.

  “Go on already. You stink anyways. I can barely stand the smell of you so close to me,” she teased. I rubbed myself in closer and she pretended to nearly faint from the smell.

  I laughed as I let her go and headed down to the bathhouse. Inside I felt a little guilty for not believing April could let me grow up. I th
ought she wanted to keep me her little sister, but she was just trying to save me from experiencing the same pain that she had. I’d been so young when it happened the first time. I had no idea what was going on, but I do remember her crying a lot. And even though she was mad at our mom, she still went and cried on her shoulder almost every day for a month, after she lost that pregnancy. When someone finally told me, what had happened I’d wanted to help ease her pain. I’d brought her one of my baby dolls to have, not understanding that it wasn’t a substitute for the real thing. Still, April had kept that doll with her up until we’d been forced to leave our home.

  I couldn’t imagine going through what she had once, let alone five times. She’d been building a wall for a long time. Andy’s death was what had turned it to stone. But now she was starting to show signs of cracking in her wall. Every once and awhile I’d see little glimpses of the sister I remembered. I hoped that someday she’d be strong enough to let the wall crumble completely.

  Just like always, the moment I saw Jack, all other thoughts faded from my mind. I hadn’t been fast enough to meet him before he headed to brunch. Normally I waited in the cold outside the church-cabin for him, but today when he saw I wasn’t there, he figured I was still at the bathhouse. I’d been rushing so fast that I didn’t even bother to dry my hair. I just stuffed it up in a hat and rushed out the door nearly knocking Jack over.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said, offering him my hand to steady himself.

  “A kiss might make me feel better,” he said with a smile. I leaned in and gave him a quick peck on the lips. “Seriously that’s the best you got?” he teased.