“Well, it sounds like you two didn’t get off to the most stable start,” she conceded, “if it was just a one-night thing. But what do you get if you keep Skylar from him? And what’s this man’s name by the way?”
I swallowed.
“Mason,” said my lips, forming the word like a prayer. “Mason.” Oh god, why did I have this reaction, even now? Barreling ahead, I rushed out the words.
“I don’t think anything good comes from isolating Skylar. It’s not the right thing to do, not when his dad desperately wants to see him. Not when Mason’s committed to doing the right thing by his son, even if he doesn’t care about me.”
Phoebe looked at me gently.
“And what’s the right thing for Skylar, that’s so wrong for you?”
I took a deep breath.
“Well, Mason thinks we should get married,” I admitted slowly. “He thinks we should be a family, you know, mom, dad and baby sleeping in a cradle. It’s crazy, I can’t even consider it.”
But Phoebe gazed at me quizzically then.
“Why? Or is it because you were just a hook-up?”
“It’s that,” I protested, “and it’s the way he hung me out to dry. He was so mean, Mom,” I confided, cheeks red. “I’ve left out the worst parts of the story, but he was so awful and nasty, I can’t even describe.”
Phoebe nodded and sighed.
“I know how you feel, but did you ever think that Mason was protecting you?”
I snorted.
“Protecting me, how?”
“Well the life of a SEAL is tough honey. Shipped off to the far corners of the world on a week’s notice. Leaving your wife and child stateside, without an end date. The harsh conditions of their deployments. The risk of death and disease. Maybe he didn’t want you to get involved in all that.”
I shook my head furiously.
“No that’s not it,” I stated. “I can make those decisions on my own, I can choose what I want and what I can tolerate.”
Phoebe tilted her head to the side.
“You know that, but does he? Honey, you were eighteen years old, a naïve school girl, totally in love with a SEAL. Maybe he saw all that and wanted to spare you the pain. He’s how old?”
I took a deep breath.
“Thirty-five. Mason’s thirty-five.”
Phoebe nodded wisely
“A thirty-five year old soldier is very different from a teenage college student baby. Maybe he wanted to protect you, and drove you away the best way he knew how.”
I sat back stumped, thoughts whirling.
“But why wouldn’t he just say that?” I asked plaintively. “Why put me through all this shit? Why couldn’t he just say, ‘My life is really tough, you don’t want to be involved?’”
My mom raised an eyebrow at me.
“Would you have listened?”
That made me pause. Because Phoebe was right. I’d been so in love with Mason that nothing could have driven me away. He could have shot me with a gun, launched fireworks in my face, but nothing could have run me off except for the awful things he did. And so I took a deep breath, seeing things from a fresh angle. Was it true? Was it possible? Did the man I love want to save me from pain, thus the brutality of his actions? My heart began to beat like a drum in my chest. Oh my god, oh my god.
Suddenly I jumped up.
“I have to talk to him. I have to see Mason.”
My mom’s smile was knowing, understanding in her eyes.
“I know, baby, I know. Go ahead honey, I’ll watch Skylar for you.”
And with that, I was out the door, keys in one hand, hair flying. Because maybe there was a way out of this after all. Maybe I wasn’t a blind woman, feeling around in a maze, trapped with no place to go. Suddenly, a light shone at the end of the tunnel.
Because I’d seen everything through my perspective, that of an innocent virgin. I wanted a prince to come on a white horse, and when that man appeared as a big bad SEAL, my feet had been swept out from under me, falling head over heels without a second thought.
But the problem is that life’s not like that. Mason’s a tough guy with a tough job, and with the years, he’s seen what his career can do. He’s seen how countless soldiers are divorced, how they have affairs, mental illness and PTSD adding to the mix. And maybe he wanted to spare me that. Maybe he saw someone young, innocent and fresh, and wanted to spare me the pain.
So he drove me away using everything at his disposal, pulling out the big guns to hurt me and make sure I never came back. But the thing is that life never turns out the way you expect, because there was Skylar now. Our son changed the balance, turned everything on its head, and we couldn’t just think of us anymore.
And despite it all, out of complete destruction and chaos, we’d created something special, a baby who was the best of us combined. There was no looking back. No, scratch that. I didn’t want to look back. I wanted to march forwards, to be the best woman I could, and to find out what the future held. And maybe, just maybe, Mason and I could have something together. I took another deep breath, squaring my shoulders while switching the ignition. The only way to find out was to talk to Mason … and oh god, but I hoped the SEAL would hear me out.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Sara
Was this a big mistake?
With Mason's front door only a few feet from my face, a rush of doubt overcame me, making my knees weak, breath coming fast. Oh god, maybe this was just a huge mistake, and Phoebe had misread situation. Maybe I should turn around and go home, tail between my legs. It wasn’t too late.
But no, I was here now, and I was here for answers. The new me wasn’t going to slink away, ashamed and humbled. The new me, who’d had all these revelations, was older and wiser, determined to be adult and mature.
So I took a deep breath and knocked on Mason's door. I could hardly breathe, the anticipation intense. But minutes ticked by, and no one came. What in the world?
I knocked again, more insistently this time, and when he didn't come to the door, I grabbed the knob. This was dumb because what Navy SEAL leaves his door unguarded? But surprisingly, it slid open easily, and I stepped into the darkened apartment.
Gasping, I looked around. Before this place had been an impersonal white box with about two sticks of furniture. Mason clearly didn’t care what people thought, the place was bare as a bone.
But now, it was trashed. Pizza boxes littered the floor with napkins crumpled about, and I could see a ton of beer cans on the table, so many that they almost fell off the edge. What in the world? What had caused this change?
I stepped further inside tentatively.
“Hello?” I called. “Anyone here? Mason?”
No reply. I wandered towards the back, trying not to step in what looked like a dirty puddle of flat Coke, and tiptoed over to his bedroom. This place was wrecked just like the living room, except even worse. The sheets were crumpled, smelling like sweat, and unidentified stains soaked the carpet. How could anyone live like this, especially a Navy SEAL who usually kept his quarters spic and span, military-neat?
But suddenly the smell of alcohol hit my nostrils and I bent over double, almost choking. Someone must have spilled kerosene, the stench was that strong. But as I made my way towards the smell, the sight literally stopped me in my tracks. Because Mason sat in a corner of the bedroom, shirtless and dressed only in crummy gray sweat pants, eyes dazed. Papers and photographs were scattered around him, like he’d been rifling through stuff. And tellingly, a nearly empty bottle rolled near his feet. Maker's Mark, the bottle said. Oh shit. I don’t really drink, but I recognized potent bourbon when I saw it.
As I watched, the SEAL took a sip of the liquor, nearly falling over.
Oh my God.
“Mason?”
But he didn’t seem to hear me. I called his name again, more urgently this time.
“Mason, it's Sara. What's wrong?”
Slowly, he turned to face me, but it was as if he wasn't see
ing me at all. Those blue eyes looked far away, like he was someplace else entirely. But the alpha shook his head then, trying to get some sense back in.
“God, you're so beautiful,” he husked, and the words were slurred, as much from drink as from his dream state. “If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have made it out of that damn place. You're my lucky charm in the hard times, sweet thing. I'm so glad you're here to help me through this.”
What in the world was he talking about? But I shook my head, moving forwards, trying to get him to look at me. It was completely futile. The big man merely took another sip from his tumbler, a smile tilting on and off his face.
“The desert was nothing compared to what I'm dealing with now. Can you help me through it, baby? Can you?”
I shook my head, really worried now.
“Mason, you're here. In California, not Afghanistan. And I'm here too. Come on, please baby, come on.”
I was so scared that my voice trembled, heart beating with fear. Because I’ve never seen him like this. Mason drinks, sure, but I’ve never seen him drunk, and definitely not drunk off his ass. There’ve been times when he had four or five shots, but the alpha was always in control, completely sober. So I was really worried and took a chance, reaching out slowly to stroke his face.
“Mason, I'm real. I promise you,” I begged, voice trembling. “Come back to me, please.”
A smile wreathed that handsome face, making him even more gorgeous despite his inebriated state.
“If this is all I get of you, I'll die happy.” He drew in a slow and loud breath and rubbed his cheek in my palm. “I'll die a happy SEAL. Just like Lewis.”
Die? No. Not Mason.
I called his name again, desperate, but he didn’t respond. My breathing grew panicky. Death? Dreams? Where was he right now? What were my options? And using my last ounce of strength, I threw all my weight behind a slap to his face. That’s right, me, meek little Sara McLain, slapped a Navy SEAL full in the face, so hard that the crack rang out like a gunshot, that handsome mug snapping to the side from the force.
“Please Mason,” my voice begged, eyes tearing. “Please come back to me. Don’t do this.”
And it worked because suddenly the SEAL jerked, eyes clear blue, staring at me for real. Then his fingers dug into my arms, so tight I’d have bruises later.
“Sara,” the word came out, harsh and stinging. “Sara.”
I almost cried with relief.
“Yes, it’s me. It’s me Mason, it’s me. Are you okay? You weren’t making any sense, you were talking about death and Afghanistan, and some guy named Lewis. Are you okay?”
Slowly, his hands let go, the big man breathing hard.
“I’ll be fine,” he grunted, looking away, staring at the wall. “I’ll be fine.”
But somehow, his inebriated state had gotten us to a place where hard words could be said, where I could speak my mind and think about consequences later.
“Mason,” I said slowly. “You have to listen to me. Why were you so drunk? Your son needs you. I need you. Don’t ever do that again, okay? Please don’t do that again.”
I heard the pleading sound in my voice and hated myself for it, but I couldn’t stop.
“Please,” I spoke again, my voice trembling. “Don’t ever talk about death and dying. We need you,” I begged. “Skylar needs you, and I need you too,” I stammered, my heart on my sleeve. “Don’t ever do that again.”
The big man jerked, blue eyes focusing again.
“I know baby,” he said, that voice a deep rumble. “I know. I’m with it now. Honey,” he paused for a moment. “Could you help a man out and get me some water? I’d get up myself,” he said, gesturing to his position on the floor, “but I don’t think I can stand.”
I almost cried, seeing him so weak and immobile. Immediately, I scampered to the kitchen, coming back with a long, cool glass.
He took a deep pull, and then another, and then another, draining the entire thing in a few gulps.
“Thanks baby,” he said roughly. “That hit the spot.”
But I started crying then, emotions overwhelming.
“Don’t ever do that again, you hear?” I sobbed, voice trembling. “Don’t you ever do that again.”
Mason nodded tiredly.
“I won’t baby, I promise.”
“But why did you do it?” I pleaded. “Why? What could be so bad?”
He was so tired that his head tilted against the wall for support. But those blue eyes gleamed at me, a small smile creeping at his lips.
“Why do you think?”
I would have beat my fists against his chest if he hadn’t been so weak.
“I have no idea,” I said, shaking my head, still trembling. “But you better tell me now because that can’t ever happen again. Ever.”
Mason closed his eyes then, that big chest expanding as he inhaled slowly. But then his lids flickered open, and the SEAL fixed me with a direct gaze.
“Baby, I’m in this state because of you,” he said simply. “Because I thought I was going to lose you and my son, and it hurt so fucking bad that I drank until I was knocked out.”
I didn’t move for a moment.
“What?” came my trembling voice. “I’m sorry?”
He nodded wearily.
“Baby, you’re so much more than I ever expected. From the very beginning,” he added with a tired grin. “You were always so much more than I bargained for, and when I thought I was gonna lose you, it ripped my chest open. So I turned to man’s best friend. Not a dog. Alcohol.”
I laughed a little at that one, but it came out more like a cry of pain.
“I know you thought you were going to lose us, but it’s not that easy Mason Jones,” I said, taking a deep breath. “Your child needs you, and although we didn’t get off to the best start, I’m willing to work on it. I’m willing to give you a place in Skylar’s life, a little boy needs to know his dad.”
I thought that would make Mason smile, but instead his eyes grew even more shuttered.
“And how about us?” came that deep growl. “What about us?”
I took a deep breath.
“I don’t know about us,” I said slowly. “After everything that’s happened, I’m not sure about us,” I said truthfully. “I think we can only see what happens.”
His blue eyes remained ambiguous, giving away nothing.
“That’s all?” he said slowly. “That’s all, baby girl? What about what I proposed?”
My breath seized in my chest, answer ready.
“I know you proposed marriage to me,” I began carefully. “But the thing is, I can’t take it. I can’t say yes, Mason, because there’s too much to be solved between us. Things are so complicated and weird and wrong, and we have to disentangle things one by one. But I’m willing to give it a chance,” I said quickly. “I want things to work,” came my clarification, “and I’m willing to give it a chance.”
Mason took a deep breath, eyes looking out the window. But then that blue gaze turned back to me with a wry smile.
“I guess that’s all a man can hope for then,” he rumbled, looking more relaxed already. “Because you’re right honey. Things didn’t exactly get off to a smooth start, and I was a fucking asshole, as usual. But I want you to know,” he added, eyes suddenly fierce. “That it’ll never happen again.”
My breath caught in my throat.
“But then were you so cruel?” I asked slowly. “Why did you act like that the last time we were together?” came my stammering question.
Mason sank back against the wall, unsure how to begin before taking a deep breath.
“It was my pride baby, my pride and the fact that I thought I knew what was best for you,” he said slowly. “You’re eighteen …”
“Nineteen now,” I interrupted.
That grin was so immediate that tingles ran down my spine.
“Nineteen,” he acknowledged, “and so innocent. You were a virgin,” he said, swinging thos
e piercing blue eyes to me. “Giving me the best gift of all, but you’ve never been with a man,” he shrugged. “Least of all a SEAL. And my life is a hard one,” he said, serious this time. “It’s fucking hard to be with a SEAL, and I figured I’d make the choice for you. No relationship, just hook-ups and bye-bye.”
My heart pounded in my chest.
“But I can make that choice on my own,” I said softly. “I know what I want.”
Mason took a deep breath, swinging clear blue eyes to me once again.
“I know that now, sweetheart,” he rumbled low in his chest. “Because you chose to have my child, carrying a baby to term despite what people must have said. It couldn’t have been easy,” he continued slowly, looking at me fully now. “And I will always treasure you for making that choice.”
But there it was again.
“I made a choice,” I enunciated clearly. “I made a choice because wanted Skylar, he’s my precious boy. I did that without you.”
Mason nodded, face twisted in a grim look.
“That’s right, honey, and I’ll always appreciate you for it. I ran you off, and it was absolutely the wrong thing to do. It wasn’t what you wanted, or what I wanted,” he finished quietly. “I’m sorry.”
And with that, my heart broke open. Because finally, his actions made more sense. Mason was a hardened soldier, a man used to the battlefield, blood and guts all around. He’d wanted to spare me the pain, and so had made the choice for me, driving me away from a life he saw filled with pain and horror.
But the thing is, I’m my own woman. I haven’t been on a literal battlefield, but emotionally, I’ve experienced enough of the world to make my own decisions, and my baby was proof of that. Despite being a single mom, I’ve never regretted the decision to have Skylar, and my little boy is the best thing in my life, hands down.
So I turned big brown eyes to look at the SEAL now.
“Mason,” I said, voice low. “Don’t ever make that mistake again. Don’t because I can’t take it,” I said, voice breaking. “I don’t think I could go through this again.”
And this time, the big man lifted me in his arms, cradling my curvy form against that broad chest, pulling me into his lap.
SEAL's Plaything: A Secret Baby Military Romance Page 14
