‘He’s only nineteen, he just looks older.’
‘That’s still too old even to be courting you, let alone … let alone …’ She couldn’t get the words out. ‘I knew my instincts were right about him. Well, if you’re pregnant he has to marry you!’
Babs Wheaton flitted nervously back and forth across the kitchen as she spoke, her distress evident in her movements.
‘But I don’t want to marry him, I don’t want to marry anyone,’ Ruby said. ‘And I don’t want him to know because then he’ll think he has to.’
‘He does have to. An illegitimate baby? It can’t happen. It will ruin your life.’
‘Can I just stay here and then have it adopted after it’s born?’
Babs’ eyes widened. ‘Heavens above, Ruby, that’s a question from out of the blue. This isn’t something I can deal with just like that. But apart from that, I don’t have the authority. You’re under twenty-one and I’m not your mother or even your guardian.’ She smiled sadly. ‘I’ll have to tell George. He needs to know and he’ll know what to do. He’s used to dealing with this sort of thing. He’s going to be so disappointed with you.’
‘I knew you’d help me,’ Ruby said, looking up at Babs.
‘I’m promising nothing, Ruby. This is serious and not something to be dealt with over a mug of cocoa. And anyway, we don’t even know if you are pregnant. So, first things first. Where does your mother think you are?’
Ruby dropped her eyes and didn’t answer so Babs continued, only thinly disguising her concern. ‘You know this is the first place they’ll look. We’ll soon have your brother on the doorstep creating merry hell just for the fun of it. What if they call the police? You’ll have to go home then.’
‘They won’t. I left a note. I said I was going to Manchester with a friend, that I wanted to get away from being a drudge. It was a good letter.’ For the first time Ruby smiled.
‘Ruby, this isn’t funny. I can’t deny I’m disappointed. You’re a clever girl, with everything going for you.’
‘I know, I’m sorry.’ Ruby said.
‘It’s not me you have to apologise to, it’s yourself.’ Babs paused and shook her head. ‘But what’s done is done. I’ll talk to Uncle George later tonight and we’ll go from there. He’s out on a call at the moment so it’s you and me and a big bowl of soup. Just by chance I made your favourite this morning.’
She touched Ruby’s face gently and then ruffled her hair. ‘We’ll sort this out. I don’t know how yet, but we will. I just wish you’d never had to leave here in the first place.’
It was all that was needed for Ruby to jump up and throw herself crying into Babs’ arms. The woman hugged her close, in exactly the same way she had when Ruby had been a ten-year-old scared and lonely evacuee.
Later that night, as she snuggled down in the familiar bedroom, which was exactly the same as the day she had left it all those months before, she thought about what had happened.
Aunty Babs was right; she had let herself down and she should have known better. After five years living in the country and spending time on farms, she knew only too well how babies were conceived, and yet still she’d let it happen. Not only that, she’d given away her virginity on the spur of the moment to someone she didn’t even know very well, and it didn’t matter one iota that she loved him.
For the first time since she was a child she put her hands together and prayed. She prayed the Wheatons would help her, she prayed that she wouldn’t have to tell her mother and she also prayed that they wouldn’t insist on telling Johnnie Riordan.
Ruby had been so absorbed with Johnnie Riordan and her feelings for him that it had taken a long time for her to realise that she might be pregnant. She knew what she had done, and in the back of her mind she knew what the consequences of that could be, but she was sure it couldn’t happen the first time. Her biggest concern was that Johnnie would think she was cheap, that he would despise her for giving in so easily, so she had labelled it a mistake and was determined that it wouldn’t happen again.
There was also the distraction of the atmosphere at home, and Ruby had put her feeling of nausea down to the underlying sense of misery throughout the household after the incident with Ray and Bobbie. She guessed they were both in some sort of trouble and that it was probably to do with Johnnie, but she didn’t know and didn’t want to know. She didn’t want anything to spoil her feelings for him.
She was head over heels in love.
It was only when the waistband of her fitted skirt was distinctly tight and she realised her lack of monthlies that she put two and two together and it hit her like a hammerblow to the head.
‘What’s wrong, Ruby? You know you can tell your old nan,’ Elsie Saunders said to her granddaughter when she realised the girl was crying into her pillow. Her eyesight wasn’t what it should be but there was nothing wrong with her hearing. ‘Come on, I don’t like to hear you all upset. Tell your nana what’s wrong.’
Ruby had felt panic soaring in her throat; she desperately wanted someone to confide in but she knew it couldn’t be anyone who lived in the house in Elsmere Road. Even if her grandmother was sympathetic, she knew that she’d feel obliged to tell her mother.
‘It’s Ray and Bobbie …’ Ruby lied. ‘They’re both so vile to me, I can’t stay here any longer. I really tried to help them when they were beaten but they don’t care. I want to go away from here, to do my nursing. I don’t want to be here.’
‘Well, dear, if that’s what you really want then you have to tell your mother and see if she’ll change her mind.’
Ruby pulled her eiderdown further up under her chin and shivered. ‘She’ll never let me. I’ll have to run away.’
‘Then you have to make the decision, don’t you?’ Elsie said before turning over in her bed and facing away from Ruby. ‘I don’t want you to go anywhere, lovey, but I can see what those boys are doing to you. Your mother should have left you where you were and I’ve told her that.’
Ruby didn’t answer and within a few minutes the woman was snoring and she was wide awake, thinking about what she’d said. If she was pregnant, as she suspected, then there was no alternative but to run away.
‘Ruby? We need to talk to you. Ruby?’ The gentle knock was followed by the door opening an inch.
Curled up in the chair in the corner of her room, the room she’d missed so much and longed to go back to, Ruby rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffed.
‘Do you want me to come downstairs?’
Babs pushed the door right back and stood in the doorway.
‘Yes, come on downstairs. We need to have a talk.’
‘Are you going to tell Mum?’
‘Come on downstairs, Ruby, and we’ll talk about it all.’
It had been two days since Ruby had turned up on their doorstep and uttered those immortal words, ‘I think I’m pregnant’. Two days of uncertainty and disappointment for everyone, although after the initial embarrassment of having to first tell Babs and then talk about it clinically with George, Ruby was just relieved that she wasn’t having to deal with it alone. She knew George and Babs were talking about it when she was in her room and, because Babs had disapproved of her visiting behind her mother’s back earlier, Ruby had constantly worried that they would try to send her home. But she had already made up her mind that she wasn’t going back, whatever they said. If she had to run away from everyone then she would. Nothing would make her go back.
At least the Wheatons had agreed on the first night that Ruby could stay while they decided what to do for the best, but there were strict ground rules. No one was to know she was back in the village, not even her friends, and she was going to have to stay indoors just in case her family, specifically Ray, came looking for her. If no one knew she was there then no one could let anything slip.
The next day Dr Wheaton had checked her over in his surgery in private after hours and confirmed that she was indeed expecting a baby, but that she was also fit an
d healthy.
‘Sit down, Ruby. Uncle George and I have come to a decision. You can’t stay here and keep your pregnancy a secret – it’s just not possible – so we’ve spoken to Uncle George’s sister, Leonora, who lives near Southend down in Essex. Remember, she came to visit us? We think you should go and live there with her until the baby is born and then we can arrange for it to be adopted.’
‘But I don’t know anyone there.’
‘That’s why it’s for the best. We have to consider your future and this is best, unless you’d sooner go into a mother-and-baby home?’
Ruby didn’t answer. She knew she was backed into a corner of her own making.
‘Leonora owns a small hotel so you can also work there to pay your way. Then you can come back either to here or to Walthamstow, and get on with your life. No one need ever know if you don’t want them to. It’ll be best for everyone, especially you. It will give you choices you won’t have if anyone finds out about a baby.’
‘Why would she help me?’ Ruby asked, feeling increasingly nervous at the thought of going to live somewhere strange. Again.
‘Because she’s a very nice lady. She’s family and so are you.’
‘I’m sorry, I’m really sorry …’
‘Well, what’s done is done, and we’re pleased you felt you could come to us.’
‘I was so scared. I’m still scared. What if Ray comes looking for me? He’ll kill me stone dead, that’s for sure.’
‘No, he won’t. Not even Ray—’
‘He will. He and Bobbie were beaten and robbed at the place where they work and they’ve both been even worse since then. Ray is just angry all the time.’
‘That’s awful. What happened?’
‘I don’t know but they were hurt badly and now Ray is quite fearsome. He’s always shouting and swearing, and everyone’s scared of him. He even lashed out at Mum and blacked her eye. It was Arthur who pulled him off. Bobbie is just quiet, not really there at all.’
‘Well, he won’t get near you, take my word for it!’ Babs stated emphatically. ‘Now when Uncle George comes in for his lunch we’ll talk this through, but you have to stay out of sight while we put everything in place. It will be only for a couple of weeks, anyway, while we make all the arrangements. You need clothes and things for the time being. We’re thinking that you could be a war widow. Then you won’t have to explain your pregnancy to anyone. You look a lot older than your age, so that should work.’
‘I should just have run right away. I’m causing you all so much trouble—’
‘No, you shouldn’t have run away and you know it. This will work out. You’ll see.’
Ruby shrugged and closed her eyes in silent resignation.
When she had realised that she could be pregnant with Johnnie’s baby her first instinct had been to tell him, but once she gave it some thought she knew it would be pointless. Johnnie Riordan was young and ambitious, and there was no place in his life for her.
As time had gone on and she had got to know him better, Ruby had discovered that while he undoubtedly liked her, he had also been using her as a way of keeping tabs on her brothers. It had never been spoken about but she knew without doubt that Johnnie had been behind the attack on them and, much as she had wanted Ray to suffer, it bothered her that Johnnie was capable of authorising such violence.
That knowledge hadn’t stopped her being in love with him, but it had given her an insight into his character, his ruthlessness and his huge ambitions. Ambitions that certainly wouldn’t include a shotgun marriage to a sixteen-year-old.
She had thought about confiding in her grandmother but she knew Nan would have trouble keeping it secret, however much she might have wanted to.
In the end she had run to Babs and George Wheaton, the only people she knew she could really trust.
It had never even briefly occurred to her to confide in her mother.
‘Johnnie, I’ve got an interview at a hospital in Manchester to see about nursing. Can you lend me the train fare? I’ll pay you back, I promise, but I’m skint and you know I can’t ask Mum ’cos she’ll tell Ray and it’ll all start up again. He’s been strange since he and Bobbie were battered: much quieter, which is nice, but so much nastier.’
Ruby and Johnnie had been sitting side by side on the park bench close to where they had made love that very first time, but it was daytime and there were people about. They sat a distance apart, not touching, but Ruby was still aware of his closeness.
His eyes had narrowed slightly at her words. ‘I didn’t think he could be any nastier – well, not to you, anyway.’
‘More quietly angry instead of his old raging temper …’ She paused, aware that she’d sown a seed in Johnnie’s mind. ‘But what about the fare to Manchester? Can you help me?’
‘Why Manchester? That’s a long way away.’
‘Oh, that’s only for the interview,’ she lied easily. ‘I’ll be training in London if they accept me, and living there. It’s how these big hospitals work.’
‘I’ll come with you. We could have another day out together—’
‘No, no,’ she interrupted quickly, ‘I know you’re busy. I just want to sneak away without anyone knowing. I want to get all the facts before I say anything.’
‘Good idea, Red.’ He took her hand and gently rubbed his thumb up and down hers. ‘You really need to get out of that house and get a job you get paid for. They just use you, and I hate seeing it.’
Ruby could feel her resolve weakening. She so wanted to tell him, for him to declare it was fine and they’d get married right away. But she held firm.
‘I know. One way or the other I’ll pay you back but I don’t want anyone to know where I am. I don’t think they’d ever ask you but just in case they do you have to say you don’t know anything.’
‘Of course I’ll lend you the money and I really hope you get the job or whatever you call it, and my lips are sealed.’ He studied her face for a moment. ‘You are coming back, aren’t you? This isn’t you running away? You really can trust me, Red.’
But she already knew she couldn’t. Not only did she know about what he’d done to her brothers, she also knew all about Sadie Scully, the barmaid at the Black Dog. Johnnie’s sister, Betty, had made a point of telling her.
He’d leaned forward to kiss her on the lips but she’d moved her head just enough for him to kiss her cheek instead. Ruby Blakeley had learned the hard way that, however much she wanted it to be otherwise, she was not going to see Johnnie Riordan ever again.
She was going to leave Walthamstow. She wasn’t going to Manchester and she also wasn’t going to come back. Ever.
Twelve
1946, six months later
‘Oh, she is so pretty. Look, George, just look at her little rosebud lips and button nose … She looks just like Ruby but her hair is so fair, it’s almost invisible. I expected another redhead. She is beautiful and so healthy. You’ve done well, Ruby, you clever girl …’
‘Yes, she’s perfect, a bonny bouncing baby, definitely.’ As he spoke George Wheaton gave a warning look to his wife before glancing quickly at Ruby, who was standing alongside them at the glass partition that fronted the nursery where all the swaddled newborns were lined up in their cribs like fresh produce in the shop window. Only the names on the cribs identified which one was which.
Babs and George stood side by side gazing adoringly at the baby tagged as ‘Baby Blakeley, Girl’, but instead of looking at her daughter Ruby was determinedly looking the other way. She had no intention of connecting any more than was absolutely necessary with the infant from whom she would soon be separated for ever.
‘They all look the same to me, and anyway why would I want to look at her? It’s not as if I’m keeping her. She’s not mine.’ Despite her barely disguised frustration at her situation Ruby shrugged as if she didn’t care.
‘Have you definitely made your mind up then?’ Babs asked. ‘Have you spoken to anyone about adoption?’
/> ‘I haven’t said anything and I’m not going to while I’m still in hospital. They all think I’m a poor little war widow so they’re being really nice to me. Not like Gracie, the girl at the other end of the ward who’s just had an illegitimate baby. They’re so horrible to her and now she’s got to go back to the mother-and-baby home that’s just like a prison.’
‘Well, it’s going to be hard for you too, Ruby, whatever you do. You do know that, don’t you? Giving a baby up is hard for anybody.’
‘Yes, I know that. I’m not stupid you know.’
Ruby could feel a surge of anger rising up in her. It was as if they didn’t think she was capable of realising the enormity of her situation at that moment. She had given birth to a baby she was going to give away and never see again: a beautiful and perfect baby girl who, under different circumstances, would have been her pride and joy.
Despite her youth and circumstances Ruby had felt a maternal surge the moment she had held her daughter for the first time. She had tried to fight it, and had been fighting it every minute since, but it was still there.
‘I know you’re not. I was just making sure you do what you want to do. If it’s any consolation, Uncle George and I both think that giving her up is the best thing you can do for both of you. Other than marrying the father, of course.’
Ruby’s head swivelled sharply. ‘No. Oh, you haven’t told him, have you? I don’t want Johnnie Riordan having any part of my life. Or hers.’ She paused. ‘Not that he’d want to.’
‘Of course we haven’t said anything – not to anyone. Not a soul – but we do want you to be sure you know what you’re doing. Adoption is for ever. You can’t change your mind sometime in the future.’
‘I know. It’s the best thing to do and it’s what I’m going to do, but I don’t want to do anything until we’ve left here. I couldn’t bear to be treated like Gracie has been. They’ve been so nasty to her and she’s had no visitors. Not one.’
Babs shook her head. ‘That must be horrible for the poor girl. I’ll go and have a word with her on the way out. If the nurses think George and I know her they might be nicer. It’s wrong, I know, but …’
Ruby Page 11
