This is the Apprenticeship Model in action, and it is absolutely already starting to happen—but in scattered communities, alone or in groups of like-minded families. How can you join this movement?
Begin with a mind-set overhaul. Stop viewing your role as a parent as trying to control your children. From the time our children are born, we feed them and diaper them and rock them to sleep. We’re 100 percent in charge. But as they emerge from infancy, our role shifts. We start relinquishing control and building their independence. We start to learn who they are as individuals and to realize that their temperament and preferences may lead them to different choices than we would make ourselves.
Recognize that your young children have a right to autonomy over basic functions like eating, sleeping, toileting, and physical activity. Look for ways to broaden their sphere of influence as they grow capable, to help them begin choosing their own activities, food, reading, friends, clothes, hairstyle, and the like. Teach them skills and social expectations, and then let them experiment. Before jumping in to correct or comment on their behavior, ask yourself whether what they’re doing is causing any harm. They’ll learn more from trying out different strategies than they will if you hand them the right answer.
In the fall of 2015, I started investigating parenting philosophies beyond the Parent Encouragement Program. From an easy chair in my bedroom, I watched a Skype transmission of the parent educator Vicki Hoefle leading the first session of her six-week parenting class in Burlington, Vermont. Downstairs I could hear Brian and the kids finishing up the dishes from dinner.
“Parenting is getting more difficult, not easier, as we find ourselves completely immersed in a digital age with information bombarding us all day long. It’s so hard to figure out how to navigate this new terrain of child raising,” Hoefle told the class of about twenty parents. She wore a black turtleneck sweater over a plaid skirt, with black tights and boots.
“It’s even more important that we stop and give ourselves time to create a parenting approach that is based in foundational principles and it’s something you’ve thought about and is intentional,” she said, barely staying within the frame of my laptop screen as she strode back and forth in front of the class.
“So we land on an approach of parenting that is sustainable for us and sustainable for our kids. Then we can relax a bit and make more informed and thoughtful parenting decisions. The worst decisions are made out of fear. The worst decisions are made when we’re not sure what to do but we think we have to do something.”
Hoefle encouraged the class to take the next six weeks to hit the pause button and reset their parenting approach. They’d pull the things that are useful from the class. Their own kids would give them the information they need about what works and what’s unnecessary. Over and over, they’d return to focus on relationship and independence—the two factors at the root of most family problems.
Parents need to talk less and listen more, Hoefle said. They must abandon the reward and punishment models that have merely served to encourage the pesky behaviors that brought them to the class.
“If talking worked, you’d have all perfect children and not one of you in here does,” she said. “If spanking and punishing and consequencing and time-outing and counting worked, I would be out of business and none of you people would be here, because all of your children would be doing exactly what they’re supposed to be doing, all the time. What you get is momentary compliance with that kind of parenting. [It’s] not sustainable.”
The goal, Hoefle said, isn’t to lecture your children so that they never make a mistake, but to kick-start their critical thinking by asking them questions, drawing out information. The goal is to have a strong relationship and to encourage your children toward independence. That way, they’ll see you as a resource rather than an obstacle.
“Mistakes are when learning happens,” she said. “We want to create an environment where kids are making mistakes every single day and we are there to help them process.”
Next, she introduced the technique that made her famous: “do-nothing-say-nothing week.” That’s seven days when parents resist the impulse to direct, nag, bribe, manipulate, yell at, bargain with, punish, reason with, or reward their children. They can’t use guilt or turn on the TV as a distraction. The only parenting strategies they can use are to say thank-you, lead by example, notice, engage in dialogue, ask questions, and listen. Seeing skeptical faces, she asked:
“If there was a book out, a parenting book that said to you, ‘If you want to raise emotionally healthy, well-connected, compassionate, thoughtful, self-reliant children, you should threaten them, punish them,’ would you believe it? You’d never buy this book of parenting strategies, and yet this is what we do with at least 75 percent of our time.”
She asked who was starting to panic. Hands popped up. One homeschooling mom motivated her son by rewarding him with computer time for expected behavior.
“So you manipulate,” Hoefle said. “Done. No more manipulating.”
“He will not learn for the next five days,” the mom said.
“We don’t know that. He’s going to learn something,” Hoefle replied. “How long have you been doing manipulation with goodies and treats?”
“It’s one of the methods. I use that during home schooling,” she said.
“It generally doesn’t work,” the man next to her interjected. I guessed that he was her husband, the boy’s dad.
“If it worked, the problem would be solved,” Hoefle said.
She encouraged the parents to list their fears. What could go wrong? Being late for work. Being late for school. Noise. Mess. Bad smells. Teeth falling out.
“All this fear is completely unfounded. We have no idea what will happen because we’ve never given it a chance to see what happens when we give this all up,” she told them.
“Here’s what’s going to happen: You’re going to sit them down and say, ‘I am so sorry. I went to this parenting class, and evidently I am the problem. Not you. Who knew! I thought you were making my life miserable when in fact I am making all of us miserable.’”
This self-blame may be hard to swallow, but it’s a disarming technique and true by definition. Since we’re part of the parent-child relationship, we must own some part of any problem with it—as well as the solution.
Whatever dysfunctional parenting strategy you lean on, tell your children you’ll no longer do it, Hoefle said. So if you’re bossing them around, they’re going to need to manage themselves. Walk them through the day so they can anticipate the decisions they will have to make on their own.
At the same time, take notes on what tasks your children can do without help and where they still need your support. Bite your tongue when they head for school and leave the lunch box sitting on the counter, or walk outside without a sweatshirt (and make a mental note to later help them create a plan for remembering).
“You’re calm because you have a plan and you’re gathering information about how you’re disrupting the family by using all these strategies to force your children through the day,” she said. “This is like the detox week, and detox sucks. It doesn’t matter what you’re detoxing from—it’s a bad situation. It’s going to be really hard.”
That’s why Hoefle put duct tape on her own kitchen counter, to remind herself to figuratively tape her mouth shut when she was tempted to intervene in her kids’ budding independence. That’s why her most memorable book is called Duct Tape Parenting. “The thing that happened is, when my mouth went quiet, their brains flipped on,” she said.
One mom asks: what if it’s time to go to work and school and the kid won’t put on his pants? “Do you take them without their pants on?” she asked.
“I guess so,” Hoefle responded. “If somebody makes a choice not to put their pants on. You offered and they said no. I guess they’re serious about no pants.”
Same with a concern about kids refusing to brush their teeth. One week won’t make a differen
ce. Better to solve the problem now than to argue for their entire childhood. A dad asked what to do when it’s time to brush teeth.
“I’d say, ‘I’m going to brush my teeth, anyone want to come?’ Everything turns into an invitation instead of a directive. If you keep directing, you’re never going to get out of that job,” she said. “Say: ‘If you want a book, I’ll meet you in the bedroom.’ You have to start to change your language. You guys are going to have to dig deep and think about how you talk to other people in your lives to make things happen. So it’s going to be awkward for all of you.”
A mom raised the challenge of getting her three kids, ages two, four, and six, to bed by herself. Usually they bounced all over each other. She’d hand one a phone to watch a TV show while she rubbed another one’s arm. Eventually one would fall asleep and she could turn to the other two.
“I would decide on one thing you’re going to do differently to break this up. It’s not going to be pretty. They’re not going to be like, ‘Wow, we have just been obnoxious at bedtime, Mom.’ It’s going to be detox for them too. You can do it now or you can do it later. It won’t magically solve itself,” Hoefle said.
For example, the mom could say she’s willing to read to all three for a half-hour after teeth brushing and pajamas. “If not, I will tuck you in and I’m done,” she said. “There’s no scratching, there’s no TV, none of that. You get this whole thing much more streamlined. Bedtime should be a ten-minute proposition.”
The parents seemed panicked for sure. What about school? Hoefle reassured them that most of the teachers in Burlington knew all about “do-nothing-say-nothing week” and supported the long-term investment in responsible, self-sufficient children. At home, trash and dirty dishes might be left sitting out. But soon enough, the family would figure it out. After fielding some more “what if” scenarios, she sent them into the night with instructions to have fun.
If Hoefle’s no-excuses philosophy seems too extreme, don’t worry. It’s just one of four models of discipline that you can choose from. The others are PEP, which you’ve already heard about; Ross Greene’s model of collaborative and proactive solutions, described in Chapter 7; and the PAX game discussed in Chapter 8. You’ll also learn about additional interventions being used in Columbus and Boston to help children self-regulate. But these four methods are the core focus of this book because they represent a comprehensive approach to discipline that contains all three steps that I’ve identified as critical: connection, communication, and building capability. That’s the Apprenticeship Model.
The following three chapters—Chapters 6, 7, and 8—will go over each of these three steps in detail. They’re sequential. You must first connect with your kids to get them in a state where they can cooperate. The next step is communicating with them about the problem or issue at hand. This could mean learning what’s going on from their perspective or sharing with them the impact of their actions. The final step is building their capability by coaching them on both practical and social and emotional skills. Only after taking these three steps can you successfully set limits, the subject of Chapter 9.
Replacing the Obedience Model with the Apprenticeship Model doesn’t give kids a license to disobey rules. The Apprenticeship Model is simply a different perspective on reaching an orderly, collaborative household, one that works for our modern times.
Repeat this three-step pattern—connection, communication, and capability building—as more problems crop up and as your children grow. You’ll set limits or implement routines to keep each solution in place. You will see progress and some back-sliding and then more progress as you identify new challenges. The goal of parenting is to work yourself out of the job of parent—to steadily relinquish responsibility and control to your ever-more-capable children.
You may find that different elements of Hoefle’s system or PEP’s teachings appeal to you. That’s fine. Begin wherever you see an opening to apply these examples in your life. Each family is likely to have a different starting point. PEP promotes a gradual ramp-up to the Apprenticeship Model, whereas Hoefle’s method can feel like a Band-Aid being ripped off. Ross Greene’s model works well for children ages five and up, especially those who are most oppositional. Adults must be patiently persistent as kids learn to open up and understand their own needs. And though the PAX game is designed for classrooms, you can apply its principles of fun and systematic skill-building in your home. Most likely, different pieces of these different techniques will resonate with you and you’ll end up with a patchwork of strategies—as I have.
Each of these philosophies returns the word “discipline” to its true meaning: to teach. According to Webster’s dictionary, using the word in the sense of “instruction” is obsolete. Call me old-fashioned then. I’m taking us back to the Latin word for “pupil,” discipulus, with all its lovely associations. When I think of discipline, I think of the time and practice we all need to commit to as our children study the ways of the world and the results of their actions and slowly learn to control themselves.
EMILY DAVIES CRINGES WHEN SHE remembers how she and her husband berated their son Christopher for being lazy at schoolwork and for not reaching his potential. Although they knew he had ADHD, they didn’t realize he also had a learning disability that made it hard for him to process written material.
“We were in this mode of taking away privileges and taking away technology, saying, ‘You’re going to sit at this table for an hour and work,’” she recalled. “We came to understand that this child is not going to learn the same as we did, as his sister does, as his friends do. I spent too much time trusting what the school was saying.” Now Emily and her husband give Christopher extra support in organization and more time to complete his homework.
Before changing your parenting wholesale, consider the health factors that may be impacting your children’s behavior. Are they getting enough sleep, exercise, nutritious foods, vitamin D, and omega-3 fatty acids? Could an overload of electronics use be contributing to unwanted behavior? Could your child have a behavioral or learning disorder that would benefit from a diagnosis and treatment, like Christopher Davies?
Sleep, in particular, may be a culprit. Adults and children alike are remarkably sleep-deprived these days, and busy family schedules and electronics overload often contribute to this problem.
The National Sleep Foundation recommends that elementary school–aged children sleep 10 to 11 hours a night, but according to its poll, on average they sleep 8.9 hours on a typical school night. Older children should sleep 8.5 to 9.5 hours a night, but young teens sleep only about 8 hours a night and older teens average 7.1 hours a night.
Scientists have connected lack of sleep with mood disorders, especially anxiety and depression. Sleep problems in early childhood often predict the development of depression, anxiety, inattention, and hyperactivity. Experiments that restricted sleep caused problems in emotional regulation, mood, and attention.
Omega-3 fatty acids play an important role in the development of the central nervous system, which itself is crucial to healthy brain and emotional functioning. These are the good fats found in fish and many plants, such as kale and flaxseed. You can supplement your child’s diet or simply look for foods heavy in omega-3 when you shop.
Researchers are looking at the impact of omega-3 fatty acids on depression, anxiety, ADHD, and other neurological conditions. Although nobody yet recommends replacing traditional therapy with a dose of salmon, a slew of recent papers suggest enriching your family’s diet with omega-3 fatty acids. After all, these healthy oils also protect against cardiovascular disease. Talk to your children’s doctor for more information, and while you’re there, share any behavioral concerns you have.
After reviewing your family’s health, wipe the slate clean so that everyone gets a fresh start. Apologize to your kids for having the mistaken impression that you were the boss and that they were to do exactly what you said—for hewing to the Obedience Model. This will disarm them
and make them more open to some of the seemingly less pleasant aspects of the Apprenticeship Model, such as taking responsibility and doing chores.
Assess your lifestyle choices. Can you downshift your work or the family schedule—or team up with neighbors—to leave more time for free play and relaxed family interactions? Try to re-create some of the conditions that set up kids for mental and emotional health in previous generations. You may find that it’s easier to make changes than you think—even tiny shifts and simple tweaks have a way of snowballing.
That’s the path taken by Colin and Camila Cullen, whom you may remember from Chapter 1. Camila came to my PEP class struggling with the hot rage she felt whenever her children refused to cooperate. Having been raised in Nicaragua by a single mother who worked all the time, Camila had grown up with few rules. She did her homework if she felt like it, or she goofed around. Though infrequent, discipline was harsh and sometimes physical. She wanted more consistency and warmth for her own kids, but didn’t know how to get there.
In PEP 1, she and Colin learned skills and strategies for being kind and firm leaders of the family and encouraging Mariana and Alejandro to contribute to the household. As discussed in Chapter 4, PEP’s parenting education curriculum is rooted in the Adlerian theory that people are motivated by the need to belong and be significant. Adler pioneered the concept of “social interest”—an individual’s contribution to the welfare of others—and believed that individuals could solve any problem through cooperation.
The Good News About Bad Behavior Page 10
