Make a list of your big takeaways from this book, your moments of epiphany. I’m guessing that they’re slightly different for each reader. We all come to parenting with our own expectations, baggage, and individual temperaments. Some of the behavior I tolerate may be way beyond your comfort zone. Some of the lines that I draw may seem unnecessary to you. You are the expert on your own child.
Refer to that list when you get discouraged. It will help you remember why you started on this path of changing entrenched behavior and forging a new parenting style in your home. For me, the list includes those character traits I want my children to embody at ages eighteen and twenty-five—I need to keep focused on the long-term goals. Our children will never learn self-discipline if we’re always controlling their behavior.
Start another list—a list of all the victories you experience along the way. Maybe it’s a power-hungry child backing down from an argument. Or your toddler agreeing to put on their seat belt in the car. Or something as profound as bedtime without argument or bribery, and a peaceful adult hour while the children get themselves to sleep. Our kids change so quickly, and it can be easy to take their new cooperative behavior in stride and focus on new emerging problems. Remind yourself of how far you all have come by celebrating the small wins.
On a Friday night early last summer, I went to our neighborhood pool for the weekly parent happy hour and pep rally for our community swim team. Two friends and I were chatting on the pool deck, near the chairs and picnic tables where most adults congregate. The chatter of kids finishing their pasta dinners and noises from the pool created a low din around us.
Two boys started bouncing a tennis ball against the wall and leaping to catch it, barely five feet from us. I didn’t take much notice until my friend growled in their direction: “That ball better not hit me!”
I realized their rough play could easily hurt one of the parents or young children standing in that area. I recognized one of the boys, from the swim team. I’d often given him an encouraging word or asked about his hobbies when lining him up for the races—my favorite volunteer job on the team.
“Hey, Daniel,” I said, taking a step nearer. “Nice reflexes. You caught that one when I was sure it was going into the pool.”
He paused the game and looked at me with the neutral, not-quite-hostile look that many tween boys have perfected.
“I’m concerned that you might hit one of the parents or little kids in this area. Would you be willing to take the play over to the grassy area by the basketball courts?” I asked with a smile.
He grunted his assent and sprinted off with his playmate to the spot I’d suggested. Nothing miraculous, but quite a change from how the boys his age had ignored me on the school playground eight years earlier. Because I had a connection with him, communicated clearly, and expressed faith in his capability, I won cooperation in a way that I couldn’t have before I started this journey.
We often expect that we should be able to solve any troublesome parenting issue by taking a series of actions that will lead to prompt resolution. Certainly, there are some behaviors—like running into a car-filled street or biting another child—that we can’t live with for the time it takes to reach a solution. We must act unilaterally to protect our child or even our own sanity. But other concerns, like teaching healthy eating or table manners, deserve time for the child to learn—and for you to see whether your approach is working. Give yourself that breathing room.
If you take only one insight from this book, I hope it’s this one: childish misbehavior isn’t an emergency situation or a sign of something gone wrong, but simply a natural part of growing up. Pause and respond with intention to your child’s behavior. Getting out of reactive mode will improve your connection to your kid, give you a chance to communicate better, and offer your child the space to build their capability for whatever the situation is, without you swooping in. That mind-set shift in itself is a huge step forward that strengthens all three pillars of the Apprenticeship Model.
In sailing, you cannot head straight to your destination. You must harness the power of the wind against your sails in order to chart a course that slants across the direct line to your goal, at as small an angle as possible. When that puff of air runs out, you switch sides, tilting the other side of your boat toward your target. You continue “tacking,” switching back and forth, as you head toward your goal at an angle. The boat takes a zigzag path as you come ever closer to your objective.
Sometimes the wind dies and you drift along, seeming to make no progress. If you get impatient and try to point the boat more squarely toward your destination, your sails will flap and you will grind to a halt.
Parenting is similar. There simply is no shortcut to the long process of children learning from life, with your loving guidance. As much as we’d like to extract the hard-won knowledge in our brain and implant it into theirs, they must experience life for themselves. They must draw their own conclusions.
Our job is to cheer them on when they succeed, and catch them when they fall. And to pray for a strong offshore breeze that will speed the sailboat along.
Acknowledgments
MY UNDERSTANDING OF CHILDREN’S BEHAVIOR rests on decades of hard work and breakthroughs by psychologists, researchers, and educators who have devoted their careers to this important topic. I’m particularly grateful to my teachers at the Parent Encouragement Program, who first provoked me to question my long-held assumptions about parenting and relationships, including Patti Cancellier, Sue Clark, Marlene Goldstein, Linda Jessup, Lynne Marks, and Kerry Mayorga.
I am forever indebted to my agent, Richard Pine, for believing in this project—and that books can change people’s lives. I feel so fortunate that my manuscript landed in the sure hands of my editor, Benjamin Adams, who shared my vision for this book and provided invaluable editing and narrative guidance. Thank you to Eliza Rothstein and the whole team at Inkwell Management for their advocacy and contributions to this project. I extend thanks to everyone at PublicAffairs and Hachette Book Group for lending their talents to bring this book into the world, including Lindsay Fradkoff, Pete Garceau, Jaime Leifer, Peter Osnos, Clive Priddle, Melissa Raymond, and Melissa Veronesi.
This book only exists because Monika Bauerlin took a chance on my pitch for a magazine article. My deepest thanks to Monika and her colleagues at Mother Jones, notably Mike Mechanic and Marianne Szegedy-Maszak, for seeing the story’s potential and for shaping and presenting it so expertly. Sections of Chapter 7 first appeared in Mother Jones magazine as “The End of Punishment.”
My humble gratitude to Ross Greene, Nina D’Aran, Leigh Robinson, and the Central School teachers and parents who opened their doors for me to observe before I even had an assignment—and for their patience with years of follow-up and fact-checking. A huge thank-you to Vicki Hoefle, Dennis Embry, Olympia Williams, Brandy Davies, and their Ohio Ave ES colleagues; Kady Ermisch, Melissa Rothblatt, and Nationwide Children’s Hospital; and Nadia Nieves, Joel Yang, Nim Tottenham, and Ronald Ferguson for their generosity with their time, expertise, and willingness to let me tag along as they worked. I offer my deep appreciation to every parent who shared with me their personal experiences, disappointments, and hopes for their children.
As an independent journalist bereft of a newsroom, I depended on the feedback and encouragement of thoughtful readers of both the proposal and the manuscript: Jamila Bey, Jon Birger, Patti Cancellier, Rayenne Chen, Tina Hsu, Brian Lewis, Samantha Merrill, Diane Leach Putnick, Bruce Reynolds, Chris Reynolds, Yoke San Lee Reynolds, Kim Roosevelt, Matthew Skinner, Miranda Spivak, and Laura Vanderkam, who is the best accountability buddy possible. I also drew courage and inspiration from my writing family:
• The National Gallery of Art group, especially Mei Fong, Mary Kane, Christine Koubek, Christy Lyons, Tammy Lytle, Chuck McCutcheon, John McQuaid, Susan Milligan, Amy Rogers Nazarov, and Bara Vaida.
• The talented artist and writers with whom I’ve shared creative space in reside
ncies at the Carey Institute, Poynter, Ragdale (Fabdale Session 7!), and the Virginia Center for the Creative Arts, especially John Copenhaver, Kristina Marie Darling, Alyss Dixon, Rasha Elass, Alexandria Marzano-Lesnevich, Kenneth R. Rosen, Sarah Shourd, Chandra Thomas Whitfield, and Clare Wu.
• The generous DC-area writing community, with special thanks to Jenny J. Chen, Tyrese Coleman, Vanessa Mallory Kotz, Stephanie Mencimer, Emily Paulsen, Brigid Schulte, and my Newhouse colleagues.
• The Asian American Journalists Association, particularly my longtime friends Mei-Ling Hopgood, Cheryl Lu-Lien Tan, and Doris Truong.
So many people contributed advice, a timely introduction, or hard-won experience. They are too many to name, but include Trudi Benford, Lara Heimert, Pauline Hubert, Jennifer Margulis, Seth Mnookin, Amanda Morin, and Tiffany Sun. I feel so fortunate to count Joanne Bamberger, Linda Fibich, and Eric Pianin among my mentors; they provided counsel on thorny issues, offered me opportunities, and wrote an embarrassing number of recommendation letters! Thank you to Samantha Goldstein for the hours of research support and to Laura VanDruff for Spanish-to-English translation. My dear mom friends—you know who you are—thank you for always being there to share a laugh, tissue, or text of support throughout this parenting adventure. To all those who helped in ways small or big, please know I am truly appreciative.
The Virginia Center for the Creative Arts, Ragdale Foundation, and Logan Nonfiction Program at the Carey Institute for Global Good provided invaluable time, space, and creative community while I was writing this book. Thank you for supporting writers and artists.
I am enormously grateful to my family for their unwavering support and enthusiasm for this six-year-long project. In particular, thank you for the perspective and feedback shared by Michelle Ng, Sophia Colón Roosevelt, Kim Roosevelt, Priscilla Roosevelt, Anne Skinner, and Matt Skinner. Thank you for your continual interest and encouragement, Herbert, Barbara, Joanna, and Eric Lewis. And to the sister I’d been hoping to get, Donna Lewis, thank you for the empathy, cheerleading, and mutual unconditional love, and for immortalizing me in the funny pages.
Mom and Dad, you are always in my corner. Thank you for the line editing, child care, and carpool help both planned and last-minute, and most of all, for your unshakable confidence in my eventual success when the road ahead seemed impossible. I couldn’t ask for a better brother and friend than Chris Reynolds. Your passion for ideas and your belief in the value of mine carried me through many tough spots—and then you pushed me to a higher level.
My children are both the inspiration for this work and eager participants. Ava, Maddie, and Samantha, you each have changed me for the better as a mother and a human being. Thank you for filling my days with joy, challenge, silliness, and unexpected richness.
The forever love of my life, Brian, cheerfully took over parenting and household duties for week after week while I struggled with words. Thank you for the gift of your time and energy, and for being my true partner in life, family, and the journey to understanding.
KATHERINE REYNOLDS LEWIS is an award-winning journalist and certified parent educator who regularly writes for The Atlantic, Fortune, USA Today’s magazine group, the Washington Post, and Working Mother magazine. Her byline has also appeared in Bloomberg Businessweek, MSN Money, Money, the New York Times, Parade, Slate, and the Washington Post Magazine. She has received fellowships from the Carey Institute for Global Good, the National Press Foundation, the Poynter Institute, and the University of Maryland’s Casey Journalism Center. Residencies include Le Moulin à Nef, Ragdale, and the Virginia Center for the Creative Arts. Previously, she worked as a national correspondent for Newhouse News Service and Bloomberg News, after graduating cum laude from Harvard University with a physics degree. She lives in the Washington, DC, area with her husband and their three children. For more information, visit www.KatherineRLewis.com.
More Advance Praise for
The Good News About Bad Behavior
“A book that is both incredibly fascinating AND insanely helpful? That’s what you’re holding in your hands. A great book! It is both reassuring and fantastic to know that there’s a way out of bad behavior, and a very rational reason for why it exists in the first place!”
—Lenore Skenazy, president of Let Grow and author of Free-Range Kids
Age-Appropriate Jobs
The household jobs listed here are categorized by the age when typical children can master them. Start small and plan to work alongside your child at least until age eight. Most important: invite your children to learn a job, don’t force them.
Toddlers (Two to Three Years Old)
• Dust areas within reach
• Fill a pet’s food and water bowls
• Put dirty laundry in the hamper
• Help a parent sweep or clean up spills
• Pick up and put away toys
• Shred lettuce for salad or help mix ingredients together
Many children this age can also manage to:
• Make their bed, with help
• Put out clean towels and toilet paper, with help
• Spray and wipe windows and counters, with help
Preschoolers (Four to Five Years Old)
• All the jobs on the previous list
• Set the table
• Help a parent chop and prepare food
• Bring belongings in from the car
• Help carry in groceries
• Empty trash cans
• Water indoor plants
• Clean grit from sink
• Match socks and sort laundry
• Clean floors with a broom, light vacuum, or dry mop
• Spray and wipe windows and counters, with help
• Pour cereal, butter bread, and make other no-cook meals
Young School Age (Six to Eight Years Old)
• Everything on the previous lists
• Take out the trash
• Unload dishwasher and put away dishes
• Clean the inside of the car
• Help put away groceries
• Vacuum or wet mop the whole room
• Fold laundry and put away, with help
• Spray and wipe shower stall or bathtub
• Spray and wipe outside of toilet; scrub the bowl
• Help rake leaves or shovel snow
• Help take a pet for a walk or change a dirty cage/tank
• Fix snacks and pack lunch for school
• Write thank-you notes or the family’s weekly schedule (if you have a calendar on display)
• Chop food with a sharp knife and cook simple meals on the stove (think mac-and-cheese or scrambled eggs)
Tweens (Nine to Twelve Years Old)
• All the jobs on the previous lists, with minimal supervision
• Help wash the car
• Operate the washer and dryer
• Rinse dishes and load dishwasher
• Clean the kitchen counters and sink
• Clean mirrors and the entire bathroom
• Cook simple meals, like fried eggs or pasta bake
Teens (Thirteen to Eighteen Years Old)
• All the jobs on the previous lists, independently
• Mow the lawn
• Supervise a younger child
• Change lightbulbs and the vacuum bag
• Plan and cook an easy family dinner
• Go grocery shopping and run other family errands
• Learn to maintain a car, bike, and household appliances
Top Takeaways and Resources
This book is a work of narrative journalism, not a parenting manual. For hands-on advice in implementing the Apprenticeship Model, please see www.katherinerlewis.com or consult the resources that follow.
Self-Regulation
Our impulse to protect children from any harm can undermine their mental health, because taking a risk or experiencing a setback helps them learn self-regulation.
&
nbsp; Children don’t need additional motivation to behave, they need skills. Instead of rewards and punishment, parents should provide training and a model of self-regulation.
Screen for factors impacting behavior: overscheduling, lack of sleep or outdoor play, electronics overload, poor diet, or an undiagnosed learning, attention, or mood disorder.
Our role isn’t to make sure our kids do everything right, it’s to give them increasing independence and responsibility, while teaching them skills they need to succeed and being their emotional support when they fail. Stop thinking: What reward or punishment will make them behave? Instead, think: What skill do they need?
Connection
Empathy and physical touch help any human self-regulate. It’s more powerful when it comes from a parent or other close relative.
Adults can help babies learn executive function, emotional regulation, and cognitive skills in five simple steps: the Boston Basics. For more, see http://boston.thebasics.org/.
Connect through special one-on-one time, verbal encouragement, weekly family fun, doing household work together, and specific appreciations of a child’s contributions or interests, rather than broad praise. When a child is upset, connect before you correct.
For more tools, see http://pepparent.org, Parenting with Courage and Uncommon Sense by Linda Jessup and Emory Luce Baldwin, and Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen.
Communication
Ask questions to stimulate kids’ critical thinking, not to solve the problem for them. Talk less and listen more. Don’t assume you know what’s wrong; get the child’s input. Speak with the respect you’d offer a friend. Give information, not orders. Develop nonverbal signals and agree in advance on whether and how to remind kids of responsibilities.
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