by Natalie Dean
She fell asleep again, and in a dream, Katie came to her. But Sarah couldn't hear what she was saying. When Katie smiled at her, Sarah felt a touch of someone's hand on her head. It was something Katie used to do. Sarah woke and sighed. Someone was touching her head. It was Billy who had stretched out, and his little arm rested on Sarah. She smiled and drifted off to sleep again.
"Wake up, wake up," Billy was pulling up Sarah's eyelids. He was crying.
"What's wrong Billy?" she asked as she sat up. Jane was looking at her.
"Mama didn't wake up from her last sleep," Billy sobbed, and Jane corrected him, "this is Mama, my Mama."
"This isn't Mama," Billy admonished his sister, who then started to cry and wail that Sarah was her mama.
"Hush, now. I'm here to take care of you both. I wonder what time it is. Should we look for your papa?"
Billy nestled in beside her and said, "Papa is sad all the time. He isn't fun anymore. I miss Lola." The little boy began to cry.
"Who is Lola?" Sarah asked, wondering if there was another child no one had mentioned.
"She's Mama's dog."
Sarah hugged them. She decided it was time to get out and see what Bannack had to offer. She and the children made their way to Cecilia's tea shop.
"I was going to come looking for you," Cecilia said. Apparently, they had slept for hours. "Carson has gone back to the ranch. It's a little late to go there now. We'll go tomorrow. Lottie will join us later. Sit and tell me about yourself, Sarah. It's difficult to get to know a person from a wire. You said your mother passed when you were a child?" Cecilia asked as she poured some tea and set a cake in front of Sarah. The children dived into the cake she gave them.
"I was twelve. She died in childbirth, and the baby did too. We lived in Ireland at the time. My father sent my sister and me to New York after that. He wanted us to have a new life."
"So, you have a sister and what does she …" Cecilia paused as Sarah's face clouded over. Something was wrong.
"My sister, Katie, died when I was fifteen. I went into service then." Sarah didn't say anymore. She couldn't as the tears began to pour out. It had been so long since she had spoken of Katie to anyone.
"We all have some sadness in our backgrounds. I think that's why we're looking for a clean break here. I do hope you'll stay, Sarah," Cecilia said as she looked at the children. "Maggie was a dear friend and a wonderful mother. She loved these children so much. I think you understand that. The need to have someone that's yours and to love and be loved."
Sarah nodded as she dried her eyes. The good Lord was giving her the chance to take care of children. She was too young when Katie died to care for those twins. Sarah understood that. Now she would love these children as she hoped her niece and nephew were loved.
"Sarah, we'll have to help you with your clothes. You're somewhat shorter than Maggie although I don't think Carson would like you wearing her clothes. Lottie is a similar size. I'm presuming you can cook, but we don't have the same choice as in the city. You'll find dust your main annoyance. I lived on a farm when I first came here, and it wasn't fun. That's why I opened this place. See it as a place to come and vent," Cecilia continued telling Sarah about difficulties she would encounter out here.
Sarah was happy. She had never talked so much in the last three years. Cecilia was kind to her. They returned to the hotel and were joined by Mrs. Lavery and Lottie. Sarah felt she belonged here, but she was still cautious about revealing too much about herself. She had been trying to stifle a yawn, but one finally escaped.
"She's exhausted," Mrs. Lavery said. "Lottie, you take Billy and Jane for tonight. Let Sarah have the night to herself. You go have a bath before bed, and you'll sleep much better, Dear."
Sarah smiled as she watched Lottie and Cecilia take the children. Mrs. Lavery was in charge, but unlike the cook or her mistress, Mrs. Lavery was motherly towards Lottie and Cecilia. And Sarah could feel that Mrs. Lavery's motherly way included her. It felt good.
"That sounds lovely," Sarah said as Mrs. Lavery took her to a steaming bath that was already prepared; the scents were heavenly. Sarah sunk into the bath. The flaming fire was making her cheeks rosy. She was grateful to be in Bannack, and she prayed this good feeling would never end.
Chapter 5
Sarah realized Cecilia wasn't joking about the dust as they traveled by wagon to what would become her home, should she decide to marry Carson. Not being used to having friends and someone to confide in, Sarah kept her own counsel when it came to her life. Cecilia and Lottie didn't push her for answers. Similar to their own stories, Sarah had arrived in Bannack, and things weren't as she expected.
The morning had started with a message to go to Lottie's house. Sarah didn't know what to make of the assortment of clothes Lottie laid out for her to try on.
"We reckoned there was no need for you to buy clothes until you make a decision about whether you'll stay or go. They are only of use out here," Lottie said as she held a pair of trousers against Sarah. She had never worn trousers before, even if it was just a skirt divided into trouser legs.
"It's much handier for getting on and off the wagon. There's a cow to be milked in the homestead. She serves the house, and many of the wives look after the horses too, the ones for the wagon. Also, there's usually a horse that the husband rides. Are you feeling nervous about today?" Lottie asked the pale Sarah who seemed a little overwhelmed by what was ahead.
She nodded, and Lottie gave her a hug. "You know Cecilia couldn't cook when she got here. We all have to learn something new. I was a nurse in the city so caring for a home wasn't something I was accustomed to doing. We'll help and don't be afraid to ask if you need it. Carson is a good man, I want you to know that."
"Everyone ready to go?" Cecilia shouted up the stairs. She and Lottie planned to drop Sarah off at the Edwards farm. They figured she needed time alone with Carson and the children. It was the only way she'd know for sure if she could cope. However, Sarah was unaware of their plan. Cecilia thought it best not to spook her.
Sarah pulled at her collar as they rode out in the sun. The heat was stifling, and despite Lottie and Cecilia's advice to open her collar, Sarah hadn't. She was feeling the heat now. It was getting hard to breath.
"Look, Sarah, there's the homestead now," Cecilia said. Lottie sat in the back of the wagon with the twins.
As she looked ahead, Sarah wasn't quite sure what she thought of the little cabin. This would be her new home. There was also a barn and a well. She was used to indoor plumbing in the city. Her breathing became more shallow as she thought about the enormity of the task ahead. Cecilia was going on about how to milk a cow, how to feed the horses, how to manage the laundry. Sarah's head was spinning from the information overload.
"Papa, Papa," the children squealed with delight as they saw Carson. Despite her headache and heat exhaustion, Sarah was happy to see the bond between Carson and his children. It reminded her of her father.
"Did you grow since yesterday, Billy? I'm sure you’ve gotten taller since I last saw you," Carson teased as Billy puffed out his chest.
"Pa, I'll be able to go riding with you soon," the little man said as Carson lifted him into the air and onto the ground.
"Don't forget me, Papa," Jane said as Carson lifted his daughter out of the wagon. She put her little hands around his neck and kissed his cheek. "Papa, Mama Sarah is staying with us," she smiled so sweetly as she cuddled into her father.
"I've prepared a basket of food for the day," Cecilia said as she jumped off the wagon. Lottie was busy carrying the children's belongings. They were walking towards the cabin when Jane cried out. "Mama Sarah."
They turned to see Sarah slump over, and she was about to fall off the wagon but Carson, depositing Jane on the ground, ran to break Sarah's fall as she fainted.
"I've got you," Carson said as Sarah's eyes opened. She looked into his strong face. She had never been so close to a man before. She'd never been held like this, and her heart skipped a
beat as he looked into her eyes.
"Let's get you out of the sun," he said as he maneuvered through the doorway of the cabin. He sat her on the rocking chair where Maggie used to sit at night doing the mending.
"Have some water. You forget how the newcomers find the heat too strong," Lottie said as she got some water and a cloth to bring down Sarah's temperature.
Sarah could feel something wet touch her hand, and as she looked down, she saw a dog. "Hello, there, Lola." Lola wagged her tail at the new arrival and seemed to want to jump on Sarah's lap.
"That's odd," Carson said, "she usually growls at strangers."
"Well, dogs are good judges of people. So now we know you're a good person, Sarah," Lottie chuckled. She was happy this was working out well so far. It was going to be down to Carson and Sarah to make this arrangement work.
"We must go," Cecilia announced as she looked at the petrified look on Sarah's face. "One of us will be back for you later, Sarah."
"I don't think I should be here alone. Please stay. I don't know what I'm doing," Sarah pleaded as she followed them out the door but Lottie and Cecilia told her she'd be okay. She had Carson and the children to guide her on what she needed to do.
Carson and Sarah stood awkwardly on the porch, neither knowing what to say or do. Billy broke the ice by demanding something to eat.
"Let's see what's in the basket," Sarah said. Carson watched her with the children. She was a natural. Anyone observing the interaction would easily assume Sarah was their mother. There was an ease between them. The children even had the same dark hair as Sarah. He and Maggie were fair-haired. He was used to comments about the children's hair being so dark.
While he didn't agree with their methods, Cecilia and Lottie were right. The children needed someone to love them, a warm woman who would cherish his children. He knew that love didn't depend on being blood related. His love for the children was a testament to that. He prayed that Maggie was approving. It seemed so soon and yet life needed to go on. Tears came to his eyes as he thought of his Maggie. If only he'd left the dog behind that day. He had replayed that day over and over.
He couldn't watch what should be Maggie's role. He had to talk to his wife and beg her forgiveness. Sarah looked back at Carson, only to see him walk away. She wondered what she'd done wrong to cause Carson to leave.
"Where's your papa going?" she asked.
"Probably to talk to Mama. He goes out there when he's sad. He doesn't know I know that," Billy said as he bit into one of Cecilia's cakes.
"Billy, we have to share," Sarah said as she took the cake from him, "but first we need to wash our hands. Help me get some water from the well." Sarah was a little relieved that Carson wasn't watching her first attempt at lowering the bucket into the well. Billy and Jane laughed as Sarah went to grab the full bucket of water, releasing the rope too early and causing the bucket to plunge back into the well. Sarah soon got the knack of it and set about boiling some water. Carson had a fire going, so she hadn't to worry about lighting a fire.
As she sat with the children at the table, with a place for Carson, Sarah asked Billy about his mother. He told her how Maggie was buried nearby, but Carson didn't want them visiting the grave with him. Billy became a little sad as he thought about his mother and Sarah decided to change the mood.
"Do you want to hear a song that my mama used to sing to me?" Sarah asked, and the little children nodded yes. Sarah pulled the children onto her lap and with Lola lying by her feet began to sing: einini, einini, codalaigi, codalaigi, einini, einini, codalaigi.
Sarah had the sweetest voice, and the children were mesmerized by the sound of it.
"What does it mean?" Jane asked. Sarah began to sing in English: little birds, little birds, sleep, sleep, little birds, little birds, sleep.
The children began to sing the strange words that Sarah used. Her heart was filled with love and sorrow as she remembered her mother teaching it to her. Sarah hadn't spoken Gaelic for a long time.
"Do you miss your mama?" Jane asked as her little hand wiped away Sarah's tears.
"I do, Jane. I miss her very much. But we must remember to be happy too. Your mama and my mama wouldn't want us to be sad. Even though they’re up in heaven with God, they will always be here in our hearts. Let's sing again," Sarah said, and she and the children sang.
Meanwhile, Carson sat by Maggie's grave. "What do you think about this situation Maggie? It isn't right having a stranger with our children," he said as he sobbed his heart out.
A slight breeze had started to pick up, but to Carson, it was like Maggie stroking his face. She was his true strength. All she had endured in life. She had been so happy here. Sheriff Dexter was still no wiser about who had taken his Maggie's life, but Carson wanted revenge.
Then he heard the sound. It was faint. It sounded tranquil and melancholic. He looked around. The sound was coming from the direction of his home. It was hypnotic, and Carson was drawn to it. As he neared the cabin, the sound got louder. He could hear the children's voices wrapped with the woman's voice. It was his children singing, with Sarah. He stood in the doorway and watched as Sarah and the children looked so peaceful. It was so different from the last time he was drawn to the house.
The children looked so content. Was Maggie telling him to accept Sarah? He looked around as though wishing her to send him a sign but seeing their children happy was all Maggie had ever wanted. Sarah looked sad. He never considered her having sorrow. How could he? He knew nothing about her, but Carson wasn't sure that he wanted to know anymore. She was here to help the children heal, to love them. Not him.
Chapter 6
Lola wagged her tail and went to greet her master. Sarah blushed as she knew he had heard her singing. Carson was looking at her. She felt uncomfortable. Sarah didn't like being the center of attention.
"You don't mind, do you?" she asked, but Carson shook his head and turned away. Sarah had no experience of men to know if he was annoyed with her.
"More, more," Billy said as Sarah lifted him off her lap. "Later, Billy. I'm here to learn the things your mama used to do."
Sarah and the children followed Carson out to the barn. Carson seemed surprised by their presence.
"Do you know how to milk a cow?" he asked. Sarah shook her head. There was some memory at the back of her mind of milking a cow, but it was so long ago. Carson set the stool by the cow's udder and placed a pail ready to capture the milk. Sarah took up position. She tried to remember what Cecilia had told her but in her anxiety, she remembered nothing. Sarah squeezed, but nothing came out.
"That's not the way Mama used to do it," Billy tutted.
"Leave Mama Sarah alone, Billy. Mama Sarah, talk to Daisy and pet her," Jane offered her advice.
"Good girl," Sarah said, feeling a little foolish. The cow still chewing the cud turned to look at the woman and made a grunting sound at Sarah.
"I'll show you," Carson said as he wrapped his hands around Sarah's. "This is the motion you need," Carson said. His cheek was almost resting against Sarah's. She could feel his breath, and her heart stopped. Was this what it was like to be so close to a man? Her heart was beating so fast she was sure it was visible. She closed her eyes to calm herself. All that did was intensify Carson's presence. His manly scent wafting up her nostrils.
"Sarah, you do it now," Carson was talking to her and Sarah could feel heat rising from her cheeks.
"Look how red Sarah is," Billy said.
"Billy, why don't you sit over there," Carson said. He saw how uncomfortable Sarah was and he wanted to divert attention from her. He had heard her breathing become rapid. She had a sweet smell to her. It was different than Maggie who had favored lavender in her water when washing. There was a fragility about her which he hadn't noticed before. In fact, he had paid little attention to her until now.
Sarah was determined to get some milk and prove her worth. She squealed with delight when the milk began to flow into the pail. But Sarah didn't understand Daisy's tw
itching leg, and before Carson could intervene, Daisy kicked the milk pail over and sent Sarah flying off her stool.
Billy began to laugh as Jane ran to help to Sarah. Carson was trying to stifle a giggle. Sarah was covered in milk.
"Mama never did it that way," Billy, the observer, noted.
Sarah reckoned she must look a sight, but as she looked down at herself, she began to laugh. So much of her life was about doing things right from the start, and here a cow had shown her who was boss. As Carson helped her up, he couldn't help but chuckle.
"It happened to Maggie and me too. Old Daisy is temperamental. Let's get you cleaned up," Carson said.
"I don't want to go into the cabin like this. I'll clean up here," Sarah said. Her clothes would need to be washed. She could smell the milk, and if she didn’t wash them, the smell would be sour within hours.
"Billy and Jane, you come with me. You'd best get those wet clothes off," Carson said but Sarah couldn't. She had no other clothes to wear.
"Sarah, try these," Carson called out as he threw a shirt and trousers of his into the barn. Sarah looked at the clothes. Was he serious? She assumed he'd give her something from Maggie. She dressed but had to hold up the trousers. As she walked out of the barn, Jane began to laugh. "Mama Sarah, you look silly."
"I do look a sight," Sarah said.
"Use this," Carson undid his gun belt, so Sarah would have something to keep the trousers up. He wrapped it around her waist, but the belt was still too big. He caught the scent from her hair again. Carson closed his eyes as he inhaled. He paused for a moment.
"Papa, use Lola's rope," Billy offered as he stroked Lola who stood beside him.
"Good idea Billy," Carson said as he undid the rope from where Lola was supposed to be tied up at night. He tied it around Sarah's tiny waist. "There we go. If you wash out your clothes, they'll be dry by the time you head back to Bannack. I have to ride out for a bit. Billy, you're in charge, so look after Sarah and Jane," Carson said as he went to saddle up his horse.
