How was I supposed to answer a question like that? But I told him what was inside my heart. “I have felt so,” I paused and thought about Blu, “disconnected from you.”
“And so you sleep with another man?” He shook his head like he couldn’t believe it. “I don’t know why you feel that way, Angelique. From the moment we met, we’ve been connected. I’ve wanted to live my life doing everything for you. I have never cheated, I’ve never looked at another woman. It’s been all about work for me so that I can take care of you.”
“But the way you take care of me….”
“I do it by giving you everything!” His voice rose and so did he. “I work hard so that I can give you the world — diamonds, furs, a new car every two years.” His arm swept through the air. “This is a five-thousand square-foot home,” he said as if he wasn’t sure that I knew. “And it’s just for you and me.”
“But listen to what you’re saying, Preston,” my imploring was all in my voice. “You’ve given me a list of material things. Yes, I have every thing, but what I haven’t had in a long time is what I wanted most — and that is you.”
“I asked you to be patient.”
“And I have been. But this has been never-ending and it hasn’t been worth it to me. God, I would rather you work for UPS than what you’re doing at Wake Forest.”
He shook his head. “I don’t believe that. I thought you loved Wake Forest.”
“No, I love you. And I supported you in your business because of that love. But for me, Preston, the happiest time in our marriage was in the beginning. When you struggled to make thirty-thousand dollars a year and when I made even less. And we would go to Waffle House for breakfast so that we could have a feast for five dollars, or we’d go to the all-you-can-eat buffet and stuff as much as we could inside my purse.”
The glare on his face, the shaking of his head — my words were nonsensical to him.
I said, “That’s when I was happy, Preston. Because it was just you and me, together all the time. I understand striving and I have supported you. But this has been crazy. We’re not man and wife, we’re business partners . We’re not soulmates, we’re roommates.”
“You’re not being fair.”
“I have been fair for years. I’ve been patient and then when that ran out, I tried to do everything that I could to get your attention. Hell, I even ordered a stripper pole but never accepted the delivery because I didn’t think it would matter.”
“What do you want from me?”
I paused to give him a moment to think about his words. Because I’d been telling him for years and we’d just spent these minutes…but still, he couldn’t hear me. “What I want Preston, is your time, your attention. But it seemed like you just didn’t have that to give…at least not to me.”
He nodded. “And…he…did.”
I didn’t want to talk about my soulmate with my husband. “It wasn’t like that, Preston. It was…”
“Oh, no.” He held up his hand. “I don’t need to know the details.”
I lowered my eyes once again and nodded. And massaged my fingers. When I looked up, he was staring at me.
He said, “I can’t believe you did this to us.”
I wanted to say I was sorry, but to this point, I hadn’t told Preston any kind of lie. So, I pressed my lips together and kept the truth inside.
In the silence, he stared, and as the quiet became louder, I watched the metamorphosis of his emotions. It played right in front of me. His face had been stiff, but his hurt had been evident. Now, though, fire burned behind his eyes, in the flare of his nostrils, in the curling of his lips. His hurt had been displaced.
“I have to get out of here.” He moved past me, grabbed his keys from the console in the foyer.
I popped up from the chair. “Where are you going?”
He didn’t look back. “I don’t know.”
“What…what…do you want me to do?”
Now, he turned, now he looked at me. The one thing I could say about Preston was that while I’d hadn’t felt his love in a long time, I could always see it in his eyes. That was what kept me. But it wasn’t there now. “I don’t give a damn what you do.” And then, he stomped out of the front door. As if going through the kitchen to the garage would make him have to spend too much time in this place with me.
For the longest moment, I just stood there, staring at the door that he’d just slammed. And then, I stumbled to the staircase. But I didn’t have the energy to move up the stairs. So, I just sat down at the landing, held my face in my hands.
And I didn’t shed a single tear.
CHAPTER 22
Blu
The memory of Saturday night with Angelique consumed me. I fell asleep with it on Sunday, woke up with it yesterday. And now, it had followed me onto the basketball court today with my boys.
“Negro, get your head in the game!” Lamar shouted at me. “You’re the one who called us out here.” He dribbled the ball coming at me. “Who does that in the middle of the week anyway?”
“Tuesday isn’t the middle of the week,” I said, posting up in front of him, determined that he wasn’t going to score on me again.
“Whatever.” Lamar dribbled the ball between his legs, then crossed the court like I wasn’t even there, hit a bank shot, then bumped fists with Terrence.
“Ah, man!” Reggie, who was on my team, threw his hands up in the air. “You really half-ass playing tonight.”
Lamar and Reggie were right. We were at our favorite place to have a pickup game, the neighborhood court by Lamar’s house. Usually, I loved these get togethers, called by any one of us. It was a chance to hang with my boys and get a good workout in, but today, my mind wasn’t in the game. It was hard to focus on dribbling when I was in such an internal battle between right and wrong.
“I’m out, bruh,” I said, walking past Lamar and leaving my three friends on the court. “Got some stuff I need to work out in my head.”
Lamar looked like he wanted to protest, like he was about to say something smart. But the expression on my face must’ve made him have a different thought because he turned to Reggie and Terrance and said, “Yo, it’s a wrap. We gotta bounce.”
“How you bouncin’ in the middle of a game?” Terrance asked.
“Look at it this way, we won, Terrance. Reggie and Blu forfeited.” He laughed.
There had been many times in my life when I was grateful to have Lamar as a friend, and I would have to add this time to my list. He knew me. He knew that I needed some time, probably needed to talk.
Terrance grabbed his ball and his bag, bumped fists with all of us and then strolled out of the park. But Lamar and Reggie followed me to the bleachers. I sat back on one, Reggie took the one above me and Lamar straddled the one I was sitting on and faced me.
Without me saying a word, Lamar went in, “I swear you should be the poster child for the ‘It’s Complicated’ status on Facebook.”
Since our first talk, I’d been filling Lamar in on every part of the progression of my relationship with Angelique, though I hadn’t told him about Saturday….
He said, “So which woman is it?”
While I’d shared this with Lamar, Reggie didn’t know a thing and his confusion showed in the way he squinted his eyes and tilted his head. “Which woman?” He chuckled. “Not Faithful Freddy,” Reggie quipped. “I know the last good man standing ain’t stepping out.”
“Ahem,” Lamar coughed and pounded his chest. “Blu ain’t the last good man. I’m here. Just because you’re the head of the canine club, don’t lump us in that cage with you.”
Reggie waved him off and Lamar turned back to me. “So is it Monica or Angelique?”
I shook my head, then nodded. That was how confused I was. “Both.”
“Ah, man.” Lamar threw his hands up in the air. “I get Monica being all in your head, but Angelique? I don’t know how a woman you ain’t sleepin’ with is giving you so much mental grief.”
&nb
sp; And there was silence.
Lamar cocked his head, Reggie cocked his head, and the silence got so loud that it gave my secret away.
“You have?” Lamar whispered, though he didn’t give me a chance to lie. He said, “You have!” and shook his head.
While Lamar’s head was lowered, Reggie raised up. “Welcome to the wild side, my brother,” he said, reaching out to give me some dap.
I let out a long sigh and left Reggie hanging. “I know this may sound sappy but this isn’t about sex with Angelique. I have never stepped out on Monica before, never planned to, never wanted to, not even with all that we’ve been through.” I shook my head. “But Angelique, she’s different. It’s like we have this,” I didn’t want to say it again, but I had no other word, “connection. We have this deep connection.”
“Bruh,” Lamar began, “don’t start talking like you’re in love. That ain’t love. You’ve been standing by Monica and battling her illness. Your wife left you out there high and dry. So this is nothing more than the first piece of outside ass that you’ve ever had. You’re sprung, but just for the moment. It’ll pass.”
“I feel like I’m missing pieces of this story.” Reggie frowned.
I ignored Reggie, but shifted a bit so that I was looking at Lamar face-to-face. “First of all, you’re gonna have to slow your roll on being disrespectful to Angelique.” Lamar’s eyes widened a bit. “She’s not a piece of outside ass. Secondly, I’ve been having problems with Monica for a while now, and there has never been a woman who I even wanted to talk to. Check my phone…I don’t collect numbers. I ain’t into all of that. I was into my wife, my family. No one ever made me want to risk everything.”
Lamar held up his hands as if my words had made him surrender.
I nodded. “But then, I met Angelique and she makes my heart smile. She makes every part of me smile.”
“I bet.” Reggie laughed.
“I’m not talking about all of that. Seriously, this is like a mind thing with Angelique, but I’m so…I don’t even know the word. Confused, maybe. Because there is no doubt in my mind that I love Monica.” I paused and then, repeated that truth. “I love my wife.”
“I tried that line with my last girl,” Reggie shook his head, “and it didn’t work. She told me that I must not have loved her too much if I could step out on her so easily.”
“It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t planned.” I paused as another truth settled in my heart and then, I spoke that one aloud. “And I would do it all over again.”
“Wow!” Lamar and Reggie said together.
Reggie leaned back. "Just make sure you're playing it safe. The last thing you need is an outside kid."
"Now on that, you're an expert." Lamar laughed since Reggie had four kids by three different women.
I groaned. I hadn't even thought about that. Angelique and I felt so connected - so natural, that I don't think either of us thought of that. I wanted to slap myself. That was a bit of information I definitely wouldn't be sharing with my boys or I'd spend the rest of the conversation getting roasted.
Lamar turned back to me and added, “Look, I get it. It’s like you’ve been dehydrated and someone comes along and offers you a tall glass of water,” he said. “Or was she more like a shot of tequila?”
Lamar was my boy, but I wanted to punch him in his face when he bumped fists with Reggie and they both laughed at my pain.
But then, Reggie said, “Or maybe she wasn’t a glass of water or a shot of tequila. Maybe she’s just your soulmate and you’re just now meeting her.”
His words stopped everything. I mean, everything: I didn’t move, Lamar didn’t move, the air didn’t move. It was right at dusk and the streetlights hadn’t yet come on, but it seemed like a spotlight focused in on Reggie.
Finally, Lamar broke the silence. “Ah, bruh, don’t tell me you believe in soulmates?”
Reggie shrugged. “Personally, I only deal in sole mates, chicks who fit my needs at the moment, like a good pair of Jordans.” He was the only one who laughed.
“Bruh, for real?” I asked.
“But,” Reggie continued, seriously this time, “I believe the universe is responsible for specific people coming together at a specified time. So the term, soulmate, is not just some rationale for understanding or justifying the depth of intimacy in a highly compatible relationship, the term signifies the reality of such a situation.”
We stared at Reggie for more than a couple of seconds, then both of us busted out laughing.
“Negro, is you high?” Lamar asked.
Reggie patted his pocket. “Not yet, but I will be. But I don’t need to be high to spit this knowledge." He leaned forward like he was serious about schooling us. "Women fall into five specific categories.” He counted off on his fingers: “Hit it and quit it, friends, friends with benefits, life partners, and then the ultimate, soulmates.”
I stared at Reggie because he didn’t sound high at all. But, the thing about him was that he never got philosophical without being stoned out of his mind.
Our expressions of bewilderment made him shrug, but he still flashed a smile. “Y’all can discredit me all you want, but your boy knows what he’s talking about. I’m the only one among us who’s had a woman in every one of those categories — well four of them. I’m still looking for my soulmate. The one who will make me put all the other women aside.”
Lamar shook his head. “Man, soulmate ain’t a category. It’s an adjective. It describes compatibility. So you can have a soulmate who’s a friend, one who’s a friend with benefits, and definitely one who’s a life partner,” he said. “You can have multiple soulmates, but I don’t believe that God’s out there designing that one,” he used air quotes, “who’s for you and only you. It’s like a buffet. You choose what you want and when you’re ready, you make her the one.”
Reggie wagged his finger back and forth. “Ah grasshopper, that’s where you’re wrong and I can prove it.” Reggie turned to me like he was about to use me in a science project. “So, you love your wife, right?”
My plan had been not to fall into his trap. I didn’t really want to be a part of this conversation, but when he asked that question, I had to tell the truth. “Of course I do. I really do. I love Monica with all my heart.”
“Do you love this Angelique, chick?”
I paused. “I wouldn’t call it love, I don’t think. I mean, I don’t know her well enough to say I love her. We've only been in each other’s presence,” I had to pause and count, “three times, no four times. But I have some intense feelings for her. We’re compatible in everything — from sports to books, to TV shows and movies. And then, there’s the music. She loves what I love. We laugh like we’ve known each other forever and we can even finish each other’s sentences. If I could read her mind, I’d bet we had the same thoughts. And then, there’s this…I can’t stop thinking about her and wanting to be with her.” I stopped again, long enough to let another thought settle on my heart. “No, I don’t think I love her, but I could. And if I spent any more time with her, I would.”
Reggie held his hands up in the air like a referee signaling a touchdown. “Yeah, bruh. She’s definitely on the line of being your soulmate. You know how I know?” He didn’t give me any room to ask him how. “‘Cause you listed all these things and didn’t even mention what was going on between her legs.”
I cringed at his crassness, even though that was the truth. I loved making love to Angelique. There was a passion with her that I hadn’t felt with Monica, at least not a passion that I could remember. We just…fit together. And Saturday night, we connected. But while the sex made me want to go back for more, that wasn’t what was most important with her.
Reggie continued, “Now, all we have to do is figure out which category she falls into.”
“Are you kidding me?” Lamar said. “So you have soulmate categories, too?”
He nodded. “Take notes and learn something today, my brother.”
He laug
hed, Lamar shook his head, and I stayed with my eyes on Reggie. Because even though he was my good-time friend, it seemed that there was more to him than just getting high, chasing women, and playing ball. I’d known him for what, fifteen years? I’d never seen this side of him.
Reggie continued, “There are actually three different kinds of soulmates. First, there’s the life lesson soulmate, the woman we think we want, but she’s just there to teach us a lesson. With these women, love isn’t always enough, love can’t keep you together because you’re not meant for anything more than the lesson. You feel connected, compatible, but it’s not for life.”
I wondered — was that what Angelique was to me? Was she only here for a lesson?
Reggie said, “Next, there’s the forever soulmate. She’s your platonic friend that you will always be connected to, but there will never be any romance. But the friendship is strong. You may not see or speak to her for weeks, months, sometimes even years, but when you connect again, it’s like yesterday. Not a beat was missed.”
I couldn’t imagine that with Angelique. I wouldn’t want to be apart from her for weeks, or months, or years. I couldn’t stand the fact that we hadn’t communicated much at all since Saturday. I’d sent her a text on Sunday because I didn’t want her to think she was part of Reggie’s first group — the hit it and quit it clan. I didn’t know what this was that she and I had, but I wanted Angelique to know that whatever, I was in this with her.
But when I’d texted asking her if she was okay, she’d texted back that she needed a couple of days. I got that. I needed those days, too.
“And finally,” Reggie said, cracking through my thoughts, “there's the ‘right time’ soulmate. This woman brings out the very best in you and you meet each other precisely when you’re both ready, not a moment before or a moment after. She’s everything that the other two have, but she has the right time. Because we all know that timing is everything.” Then, he leaned back on the bleachers like he’d just given his dissertation.
If Only For One Night Page 18
