by John Warren
You don’t have to say exactly what you mean
Safewords are central to consent in BDSM. Using these phrases permits the submissive to withdraw consent to a particular activity or terminate the scene at any point without endangering the illusion that the dominant is in complete control.
An acceptable safeword can be “no” or “stop.” All that is required is that it be clearly understood as an unequivocal signal that there is a problem and the submissive wants to stop. One of my favorites is “Stop what you are doing right now or when I get loose I’ll rip your balls (tits) off and shove them down your throat.” It is certainly unequivocal.
However, many submissives enjoy an illusion of nonconsensuality and relish being able to beg for mercy with unrestrained fervor. For these, the use of such blandishments is an inherent part of the trappings of the scene. For them, phrases that would not be used in the heat of the scene are the best safewords. Expressions like “red light” and “give me mercy, mistress” are common. One problem that can be encountered is, that by the time a safeword is needed, the submissive may be so caught up in the excitement of the scene that he or she has forgotten what the safeword was. Another approach is simply to say (yell, scream) “safeword.” In any case, the change in tone and body language as a submissive searches for the safeword is usually enough to warn a sensitive dominant that something is wrong.
Some BDSM couples have adjuncts to safewords: “slow words” and “go words.” A slow word is a signal to the dominant that, while the activity is not beyond the submissive’s tolerance, the limit of tolerance is being approached. It is a signal, not to cease all activities but, to ease off a bit and, perhaps, to take a different route. Those who use “red light” for a safeword often use “yellow light” as a slow word.
A go word is simply a signal to the dominant that everything is all right and he or she can continue and increase the intensity of the stimulation. Again, some couples use phrases like “yes, please” and “more,” but others who wish to maintain the illusion of nonconsensuality enjoy the irony of using “no” and “please stop.” However, when this latter type of go word is used in a public or semi-public scene, it is advisable to inform at least some of those present that it will be used. Otherwise, an inadvertent termination of the scene by outside influences may result.
A second type of safeword is used by some people who use intense psychological stimuli as well as physical stimulation. This is a emotional safeword. While one word can be used to signal that either physical or psychological limits have been surpassed, some couples prefer to have separate safewords. This allows a submissive to signal, for example, that while the physical chastisement is still enjoyable, the humiliation has reached an unendurable point.
In some scene groups, there is a heated debate about the need for safewords. While the majority seems to concur that they are necessary, a vocal minority deems them contrary to the spirit of BDSM. The most extreme members of this group put forth the concept of irrevocable consent. That is, once a submissive has given consent to a dominant, the dominant is free to do whatever he or she wishes. This outlook seems to be most common among the gay community. During a lecture at a BDSM group, one gay dominant expressed this philosophy succinctly, stating, “If he goes home with me, he’s mine until I’m tired of him.”
A female dominant reflected a more mutualistic viewpoint, but still rejected the concept of safewords when she said, “If I can’t tell when he (the submissive) isn’t enjoying it any more, I don’t have the right to call myself a dominant.”
A less radical outlook is that safewords are acceptable in the early stages of a relationship, but as the relationship matures they become unnecessary and reflect, a lack of confidence in the empathic abilities of the dominant.
Interestingly, this desire to drop safewords from a relationship’s vocabulary is often voiced by the submissive, who declares he or she wants to demonstrate absolute trust in the dominant.
It is important to recognize that a safeword benefits both parties. Many dominants value the use of a safeword because it allows them to “work closer to the edge” than would otherwise be comfortable. Particularly at the beginning of a relationship, safewords offer reality tests that assure the dominant that they are reading the submissive’s responses correctly.
During her initial session, a novice submissive made such a fuss, pleading and begging, when she realized that I intended to shave her pubic region, that I was unsure whether she was going with the fantasy or genuinely objecting. After she had cried, “You can’t do this to me,” I replied, “Of course I can, unless, that is, you use your safeword.” She paused only a moment and then moaned, instead, “I’ll do anything you want; just don’t do this to me.” Reassured, I went on mixing the lather. Safewords don’t only work to make the submissive feel safe, they provide a margin of safety for the dominant.
Of course, as the relationship matures, a dominant will become more familiar with the submissive’s reactions and safewords become less important. However, they shouldn’t ever be discarded. Fatigue, distraction or changes in the submissive’s physical or psychological functioning make them an important backup in all BDSM relationships.
Protect us from our “protectors”
Among some groups and individuals outside of the BDSM community, there is a vocal contention that some people are not competent to give their consent. Like most generalizations, this one has a degree of truth. The law recognizes that some individuals are separated from reality to such an extent they constitute a danger to themselves and/or to society at large. They are considered “non compos mentis,” not of sound mind.
In the last few decades, exacting rules have been enacted to prevent people from being declared non compos mentis at the whim of someone in authority. However, in the past, people have been committed to mental hospitals for such minor idiosyncrasies as failing to bathe or for desiring daily sex from their spouse. In addition, certain groups, such as minors, are considered by law to lack competency and the ability to make trustworthy decisions.
Normally, it takes a pattern of irrational behavior to motivate a court to rule someone incompetent, and this ruling is deemed universally applicable. A person who is found incompetent has all of his or her decisions removed and placed in the hands of another.
However, a few of the previously mentioned groups would both narrow and broaden the definitions of competence and incompetence. For example, some extremists argue that today’s society is so male-dominated that a woman cannot truly consent to any form of heterosexual intercourse, whether it is vanilla or in the context of BDSM. In effect, they argue that any act of heterosexual sex is rape, and the only consensual sexual activities a woman can engage in are with other women. Lesbian sex, by their definition, is based on equality.
Although they would hold that a woman who desires heterosexual intercourse is not competent to make that decision because of the domination of society by males, they would not extend it to the point of denying her the right to make contracts, buy property or go into business in that same society. They also fail to see that BDSM relationships thrive between lesbians, as reflected in the rich and growing body of lesbian BDSM fiction.
Others take a more moderate approach. Vanilla sex is considered acceptable as long as both partners mouth the right words about equality and acceptance. However, when someone, usually a woman, engages in BDSM activities as a submissive, it is then taken as prima facie evidence that that person is incapable of giving consent, a classic Catch-22.
It is difficult to argue with these people. Their beliefs have often hardened to such an extent that they are unable to recognize loving, supportive couples even when they meet them in person.
Moreover, there are undoubtedly individuals and couples in the scene who desire or take part in activities which most would find frightening or repulsive. The Correct Sadist (a highly overrated and not particularly informative book) describes a man whose cock had been mutilated until it resemble
d a peeled banana. Michele, a dear friend, told me of a man whose ankle had been pierced to such an extent that he could be literally hung from a meat hook.
However, while we might desire to avert our eyes from what, to us, are “disgusting” activities, taking the approach that the participants in these activities are somehow less sane than ourselves puts us on a slippery slope. If it is possible to reject a person’s ability to give consent simply on a basis of a desire for mutilation, could it not be argued that a desire for whipping or bondage would be equally likely to indicate derangement?
Moving it out of the emotionally laden sexual arena, how are we to treat those members of our society who bungee jump, body surf through pilings or race motorcycles? A cherished friend spends her vacations hundreds of meters under the ground, crawling through openings a gopher would reject with disdain. Should I judge her mentally incompetent because of this proclivity?
When we argue that because of a single desire a person lacks the ability to give consent, we are headed for a safe, sane, boring society that will eventually stamp out every scintilla of excitement and adventure.
A Submissive Writes About Submission
This section has been written at my request, by Libby, a lovely and sensual submissive woman who has become my wife, partner and best friend. I’m providing it to give you a first-hand look at how one submissive sees her submission. Her words may not be true for all submissives, but she speaks for many. Throughout the editions, it is the single most-commented-upon section in the book; because it is such an important part, the third edition is carrying both our names as authors.
I was quite squeamish as a kid, so when I told my childhood friends I was going to study biology in college they said, “You? I can’t imagine you dealing with bugs, guts and gross things. It used to make you sick to your stomach to see a piece of old spaghetti in the sink.” Well, yes, but once I was exposed to the lure of science I just couldn’t keep from it. I’m sure I would get a similar or even stronger reaction if I were to share my interest in being a submissive woman.
In my everyday life, I’m a strong, competent and successful woman. Yet, even before I was exposed to the submissive role, I was called to it by my earliest childhood fantasies. My attraction to a submissive role is even stronger than the pull I feel toward my chosen professional life, because I was called to it from a place deep within me. I’m not sure how the seeds of submission were planted within me, but I am driven to nurture those seeds into full bloom by “following my bliss,” as Joseph Campbell would say.
So, what is submission to me? To me, submission is a desire to be special or significant. My earliest fantasies, and they were when I was very young, always involved being somehow chosen and desired. I will borrow here from the image of the goddess who is a composite of virgin, maiden and crone to describe how these forces, desires and needs coalesce within me as and reach expression through submission. The part of me that is virgin wants to always be able to approach new things in an open-minded and curious way without giving a thought to my own security. The part of me that is maiden seeks to explore passion and creativity. The chance to explore passion, sensuality and sexuality within the framework of safety that the virgin enjoys takes freedom onto the path of liberation. The crone is the wisdom part of me that is self-assured enough to look at my dark desires. If the virgin can be safe to enjoy the erotic pleasure that is awakened in the maiden, then crone may risk to surrender herself to the dark side of her soul.
Facing my uncensored soul, without turning away, looking aside or getting preoccupied in divergent energy interferences, I see a desire to surrender completely to another who is that one special person with whom I find mutual love, affection and emotional trust. Being able to do this makes me integrated, complete and whole. As the two of us become absorbed in each other we become increasingly unified and soul mates. There is always the polarity of the dominance and submission to keep our bond alive and vital.
Levels of submission
Philosophically, I have been developing a way of looking at levels of submission. In this model, trust is an integral part. I have categorized three levels of submission: fantasy, clarity and transparency. The fantasy level is where everyone starts out, and for many this is sufficient. The BDSM fantasies are varied and unique as the individuals who create them. Some are mild, like spanking or bondage, while others are what some consider edge play.
There really is no hierarchy of the fantasies, but some are obviously easier to realize than others. While they remain strictly a fantasy, no trust is involved. The fantasy level would also include mind play and some negotiated play or clearly defined and limited scenes during which trust can begin to develop.
In the next level, power transfer begins, and there is great opportunity for trust to develop. I call this level “clarity” because there is a clear understanding of what power is being transferred. This is often stipulated by contracts and limited by the establishment of safewords. The submissive is watchful at first and careful to determine that the dominant is technically competent, as well as caring and comforting. The range of activities is again determined by the mutual fantasies involved.
Because of the range, there is a great deal of diversity among the so-called real dominants. As trust develops, so does the relationship. For some involved in BDSM activities, it is sufficient to have these times set aside for scenes, but for others the trust building helps to develop the relationship outside of the BDSM activities. There is a continuum within this level with functional scenes at one end and real relationships at the other.
In the third level, called transparency, the partners know each other well, and trust for personal safety is well established. Safewords are still operative, but they are not as necessary because the dominant has a sharper awareness of the submissive’s limits. Paramount in this level is excellent communication and a willingness for each to trust the other with what is truly within their hearts and souls.
In this level, one begins to establish emotional trust, a kind of, “I trust my body, safety and pleasure to you. Now, may I also trust you with my emotions, hopes and other desires?” It is here, with the passion-desires of the maiden having been met, the fully realized woman, incarnated as goddess, begins to hope and believe her relationship-desires and drive to be special or chosen can be met. Many BDSMers move into this level, but it takes ongoing work to maintain transparent trust.
The experience of submission
Well, what is it like to step across that threshold from fantasy into clarity? I’ve had BDSM or S&M or B&D fantasies as far back as I can remember. As I came to realize these sexual fantasies, I was a bit ill at ease, thinking I was a masochist. None of the terms to describe what I felt seemed to capture what seemed to me to be very natural, exciting and compelling.
I feared enacting my fantasies for several reasons: that I would not be safe doing so, that I would verify that I was a pervert, and that reality would not be as good as fantasy. I believed that somehow I would be able to negotiate safety and be able to deal with the pervert label if I acted on this desire, but I was very reluctant to give up exciting sexual energy that I derived from the fantasy.
After a while, I knew that I would have to at least have to find out. It actually took more courage to get over being a BDSM virgin than to lose my virginity in the first place. Behind the mask of a computer bulletin board, I felt safe enough to talk about it. I stalked my lover on a national family-oriented bulletin board after I found out he had BDSM interests and experience. I had long thought about answering BDSM or B&D personal advertisements, but an image of a snickering and licentious sadist always prevented me.
This computer bulletin board stalking did allow me to discover things about him outside his BDSM interest which made him seem like a reasonable risk to me. After stalking for a while, I wrote him a private email that said, simply, I shared his interests. He wrote back, and a week later I was on my way to visit him in NYC.
We met on leap-ye
ar day. To me this was symbolic of taking a leap into this new and wonderful world. In that twenty-four hours, we did several scenes, went to The Vault where, in spite of my reservations, I did my first public scene. In this first encounter, I felt that the innocence of the virgin and the wisdom of the crone were operative, but the passion of the maiden had not really been released.
For me, reality was much better than fantasy. The world of BDSM is replete with contrasts and polarity, but when I first entered this stage of clarity, I was quite surprised to feel an ambivalence when I reentered my vanilla routine.
When I awoke the first morning back at home, I felt ambivalent about proceeding any further, despite a wonderful rest caused by having had my body sensually satisfied to the point of exhaustion. I wanted to run right back and do it all over again, but I kept asking myself if I wasn’t I was dragging my body somewhere my mind was not yet prepared to go. I realized that, in giving BDSM a try, I had been trusting myself and my perceptions about the situation. However, to go any further, I would have to trust my mentor, and this scared the living daylights out of me. I had tapped into my own passion, the lioness within me had roared, and she would not again be silent. The maiden was about to be liberated.
Losing control is a common fear in the trust-building stage of clarity. One submissive who was playing in the fantasy stage asked me how I could give my mind over to someone. My response was that, in the process of submission, my mind does drift off, and it can drift off quite a bit, but this happens in a most pleasant way.
Initially, fear can make it seem like a battle of wills, but as fear is replaced with trust the battle becomes a dance. Often, when someone dances with another person for the first time, they find themselves stepping on each other’s feet. Eventually, as each becomes used to the other’s style, they begin to move as one. If one listens to the music with the heart and responds with the will it is truly a brand new and exciting dance.
