by John Warren
He simply dropped the leg he was holding, looked at Ace and said, “That’s no fun,” then he turned and walked away. While this man was far from being representative of all male submissives, his kind is unfortunately common in the club scene.
Female dominants will have a considerably easier time than males in finding someone to play with at public clubs. However, those who are seeking more than a simple bit of play may be just as disappointed at first as their male counterparts. The solution is to use the same strategy employed by male dominants in search of a submissive. Mingle, get to know the regulars, both male and female, dominant and submissive; plug into the grape vine, and eventually you are likely to have good luck.
Scene organizations. Another way of meeting submissives already in the scene is through organizations. Some, like TES, People Exchanging Power, New England Dungeon Society and Black Rose, are organizations with officers, by-laws and dues. Not all that different from the Rotary or a ham-radio society. However, the scene has its own, peculiar set of organizations known as munches.
According to most scene historians, the first munch took place in Palo Alto, California, in the early ’90s, when a group of people who had gotten to know each other on the newsgroup alt.sex.bondage decided to meet each other at a burger joint. The regular meeting grew and adopted the name “Burgermunch,” which was soon shortened to “munch.”
Munches quickly spread across the country and overseas until it became relatively rare for a metropolitan area not to have one. Of course in the anarchistic world of BDSM, munches vary widely. Some have changed until there is little to differentiate them from conventional organizations, while others maintain the casual, show-up-if-you-can attitude of the original Burgermunch.
Generally, you’ll find them in some sort of eating establishment. For example, in New England many of the munches are in mall food courts where on a given day or days of the month a group of individuals appear, push tables together and chat for a while.
One of the big bonuses of the open-style munch is that a nervous newcomer can grab a table nearby and “scope out the crowd” before approaching and asking, “Is this the munch?”
It’s difficult to overstate how valuable that sort of openness can be. At one time when I attended TES, it gathered in the basement of a church. All too often, I detected the sound of someone descending the stairs outside the closed door, followed shortly by the sounds of someone reluctantly ascending. It was an ordinary wooden door, but for someone insecure and scared of his or her own needs, it might have been an iron-bound oak portal set in a granite arch with “All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here” carved above it. How much easier it is to sample a plate of kung-pao chicken while observing from ten or so yards?
When you are looking to meet people, it’s a good idea to view munches much like a consignment store. Because going to the munch is very much an occasional thing for a lot of people, if you don’t see something you like on your first visit, don’t give up. It may be there the next time, or the time after that. Also keep in mind, like at a consignment store, the good stuff doesn’t stay on the shelf for long.
While each munch makes its own rules, generally the more public the munch’s venue, the more discreetly guests are expected to behave. This generally means wearing vanilla clothing, not displaying toys, and keeping your voice down, particularly when discussing scene matters.
Like munches, organizations are run by and for the members. The vast majority hold public meetings, but they also have some members-only activities. Most organizations are quite inexpensive to join, and even if you live too far away to attend meetings, their newsletters and other publications can be a valuable source of information and guidance.
For me, the most valuable reason for belonging is the joy of being with people who share my needs and desires. There is a feeling of family that can be infinitely comforting to someone whose desires are looked upon by the rest of the world with distaste and sometimes hostility.
If there is such an organization near enough for you to visit, by all means, do so. For the first meeting, sit, listen and observe. Get a feel for the dynamics. Many people’s reaction when I bring up organizations or munches is to say, “Oh, I’m a very private individual; I couldn’t risk that.”
This is a completely understandable reaction. However, the risk is really a lot less than you may think. While “outing” does take place, in my experience it almost always takes place independent of a person’s organizational memberships. Almost all of the outing cases I can recall in over forty years of playing have been directly related to divorce proceedings, where one spouse is trying to blackmail the other into a more favorable settlement or to paint him or her as unfit to have custody.
A common question is, “What if someone I know sees me at the meeting/class/party?” You could arrive at the munch, take off your coat, sit down and suddenly realize that one of the people at the table is Jim from accounting. You must fight the sudden urge to throw your coat over your head and run from the room. Guess what Jim is thinking right now? Exactly, the same thing you are. Borrowing a phrase from the Cold War, scene people refer to this phenomenon as “Mutually Assured Embarrassment.”
As a dominant, you may feel compelled to make your presence known immediately upon arriving in a new group. Don’t! Dominant means strong and secure. If you come across as pushy and insensitive, you could earn a reputation that will stay with you for a long time.
I recall the close of a TES meeting. As was customary, everyone was putting away chairs. One man, whom I had not seen before, motioned to a woman, whose collar and cuffs clearly indicated her status. He told her in an imperious tone to put away his chair. When she looked at him in amazement, he informed her that he was dominant. She turned around and walked away. This exchange had not gone unnoticed by others, and this particular “dominant” soon stopped coming to meetings.
Talking to people is perfectly OK, but you should be careful not to angle your attention only at submissives of the opposite sex. Not only is this rude, but it gives an impression of a single-minded pursuit that is most undominant. There are no hard and fast rules on how to act, but erring on the side of caution is probably a good idea.
I do not know of a single organization that pays much attention to clothing at their meetings. After all, many people will be coming directly from work, and few corporate organizations include black leather in their dress codes. On the other hand, some members come in full scene gear. What you wear is entirely up to you. However, a bit of black and a bit of leather will probably send the message that you are not entirely ignorant of the ways of the scene.
If, as is common, there is a point where those in attendance identify themselves according to their orientation and interests, take advantage of it to make yourself known in the most favorable terms possible. Just remember, as with advertisements, lying is inadvisable. Most lies will eventually be found out and may do irreparable damage to your reputation.
With organizations as well as at clubs, it is a mistake for a male dominant to expect to make contact with a female submissive immediately. It usually takes some time to build up a reputation to the point that your approaches will be welcomed. A female dominant may face the opposite problem because of the abundance of male submissives. She may be faced with the pleasant difficulty of having to pick and choose.
Conventions and events. One of the results of the expansion of the scene and the new openness engendered by the Internet has been the appearance of regional and national events like Thunder in the Mountains and Folsom Street Fair. These vary in size from a few hundred people to thousands and usually combine classes, play parties, socials and vending. While the events can be daunting, they offer people a wonderful opportunity to see the depth and breadth of the scene in a single weekend.
They are also perfect for people concerned about being recognized by friends and co-workers since they can select one being held hundreds of miles away, and who knows, once having been exposed to the pl
easures of being surrounded by like-minded individuals, even the reserved person may opt to take the chance and begin attending local events.
Searching outside the scene
For one reason or another, a dominant may be willing or unable to avail herself or himself of advertisements, clubs or associations. Still, it is good to remember that the vast majority of the submissives have not yet declared themselves or have not even realized the full range of their desires and, therefore, cannot be reached through conventional routes.
Although there is some overlap between the techniques for identifying and seducing submissive men and women, there are enough differences to justify taking each group separately.
Identifying a potentially submissive woman is a situation fraught with peril. Not only is a direct question inappropriate, but many women have repressed their submissive tendencies because of embarrassment or because they have been taught that such feelings are evil or a betrayal of their fellow women.
I look for intelligent, strong, self-assured women. Frightened little mice do not have the courage to accept and act on their needs. Also, a woman who feels inferior can be manipulated into a submissive role against her will. This is ethically indefensible. With them, I tend to use a technique that I cause “plausible deniability,” a method that allows me to back off with no loss of face in the event of rejection.
During the dating process, I put the woman in situations where she is lightly restrained. For example, I hold her hands behind her back during a kiss or kiss her while she is still entangled in clothing she has been removing. If she panics or withdraws, I apologize and “admit” to having been overcome with enthusiasm. If she reacts with passion, I try a bit harder. The trick is to keep it light and playful.
During sex, I watch for her to do things like grabbing sheets with wide-spread arms because it is a position often adopted by people who are fantasizing that they are being restrained. I also try holding her hands above her head or “accidentally” tangling them in the sheets when I am on top or holding them against her thighs or behind her back when she is on top.
Conversational probing can be as subtle as the physical testing. Literature is a good ice breaker. If she has read The Story of 0 or books by A.N. Roquelaure, it gives me a chance to discuss the situation in a suitably abstract, nonthreatening atmosphere. If she brings up de Sade’s writings, it gives me an opportunity to compare his writings with reality by saying something like, “Yeah, I’ve read some of his stuff, but what I hear about people who do bondage and stuff like that is that they are nothing like characters in his books. They seem to really care about consent and sensuality instead of just pain for pain’s sake.”
It is amazing what people will discuss in the abstract that would be extremely threatening to discuss on a personal level. I use such abstract discussions to get a feeling on “where a woman is” on a subject. Even a violent reaction to any kind of BDSM literature is not necessarily a negative sign. Many women, as I have noted above, are fighting a great deal of social pressure to defeat what they have been taught to believe are bad feelings. I pay more attention to gut- level feelings, perhaps based on subliminal body language, which come out of the discussion.
Of course, the danger here is that my desires may interfere with my judgment. The partial solution is a lot of introspection on my part.
If the discussion turns from abstract to specific, I do not deny my impulses, but avoid all terms like “domination,” “submission,” “sadism,” “masochism,” “bondage” or “discipline.” These are emotionally laden terms that are defined slightly differently by every individual. Nor do I speak in terms of my needs and desires. Instead, I tell her what I enjoy doing for my partner, while stressing the sensuality and respect. As in the initial stages of all BDSM relationships, I try to earn the degree of trust that will allow her to submit to me.
Despite the teachings of certain psychological schools, my experience is that not all women are submissive and only a relatively small percentage of them can act on submissive tendencies. However, through these approaches, I have been able to make some wonderful friendships and build a number of lasting relationships.
These techniques can also be used by dominant women to find a submissive man who has not yet declared, or perhaps even realized, his submissive nature. For example, the sensual bondage scenes in Basic Instinct or Exit to Eden are a sure conversation starter. Also, because of fashion, women are able to send more overt signals than men about their orientation. A man wearing a kinky leather outfit with a whip earring will probably be taken as gay by many women. A woman in similar regalia will certainly rate a second look from most men, even those who haven’t explored their submissive desires.
The greater latitude for accessories is also a factor. Outside of the punk rock scene, handcuffs aren’t a common accessory for men. However, a woman can casually dismiss one hanging from her belt with “The chrome sets off my black dress.”
The differences in body language between men and women can also work for the dominant woman on the prowl. While a man would be unwise to assume anything about a woman who dropped her eyes in the face of an appraising stare, a woman who gets that reaction from a man would be wise to press her advantage.
A word of warning, novice dominant: women often restrict their search to men who are overtly submissive and/ or effeminate. Experienced ones report that they find their most satisfactory conquests among aggressive, masculine men. It is unwise to dismiss any specific “type” from consideration. Submissives are everywhere. They just need to be found.
Winning Over the Vanilla Lover or Spouse
A common situation in marriages or long-term relationships is one member discovering or finally admitting to a BDSM orientation, leading to the problem of convincing the other to join in these activities. If you are in that situation and hoping to convince your partner to submit to you, you may have a difficult task.
As I’ve written previously, even when submissive feelings are strong, admitting to them is a traumatic experience. For someone who does not have these feelings, being asked to act the submissive role is intimidating and humiliating. If, on the other hand, you have discovered deep submissive drives within yourself, there is a short section addressed to your specific needs at the end of this chapter.
When you suggest the possibility of trying BDSM games, never use the terms S&M or B&D. Even the less familiar BDSM should stay in the closet for a while. Perhaps your major problem is that most people think they know what these things are all about; the mere fact that they are dead wrong doesn’t alter the situation.
Sit down and think. What turns you on? Everything? Come on. Scat? Golden showers? Blood sports? Let’s cut it down to the bone. What is it that you want? If you don’t know what you want, you can’t get it.
You, as a dominant, should practice putting yourself “in the submissive’s head.” Put yourself in the place of a vanilla person whose spouse has admitted a liking for sadism. Do images of Ted Bundy or The Blond Bitch of Buchenwald leap to mind? They should.
If you stir up these fears, the only people who will benefit are divorce lawyers. What you need to put in your lover’s head is the image of your true desires. You also need to stir the emotions your lover may have repressed. There are several ways to do this and none of them are mutually exclusive. They can be combined as you see fit. After all, you are strongly attached to his person. Who could know him or her better than you?
One approach is the direct one. If bondage is your turn on, bring to bed a scarf or the belt from a bathrobe. Don’t charge right in; mix a lot of horseplay with play bondage. Normally, a scarf is terrible for serious bondage, but we are talking light play right now. Share the fun; let him or her have a go at tying you up.
Stimulation is trickier on a direct approach. You must be certain it is recognized both consciously and unconsciously as sexual and not punitive. Spanking is probably the best “entry level” stimulation. It is familiar and doesn’t involve instrum
ents that might evoke a negative response. (“Where in hell did you get that?”)
One approach I have used when dating overtly vanilla women is to exclaim during sex, “You bad girl! You scratched me with your fingernail.” No woman, even the most dedicated nail-biter, will feel entirely comfortable claiming innocence. “You should be punished for that.” Then, I pull her over my lap and give her a few swats with one hand, while keeping her well excited with the other. Spanking can also combined with intercourse positions. Just put him or her on top and swing away.
When converting a vanilla lover, as with seeking out a submissive lover, talking about books and movies is a good way to lead to conversation to your own desires. Before I got into a relationship with a romance author, I had always dismissed romance novels as chaste escapism. They may be escapism, but they are not chaste. A husband who discovers dominant tendencies and whose wife reads authors like Rosemary Rogers, Jayne Krentz and Sandra Brown is halfway to heaven. Read a few of her romance books. Then let her “catch” you doing it. Suggest that some of the scenes in them are “interesting.” It is a wonderful duel that both of you can win.
Otherwise, bring home a few books to leave where she can find them. As I noted before, writing by Anne Rice, A.N. Roquelaure, Anne Rampling are a nice start to introducing someone to BDSM fantasies.
The original Joy of Sex has a nice section on bondage; unfortunately, later printings have watered it down. Madonna, the lady who made sleaze nice, has several books where she sings the praises of BDSM.
Vanilla videotapes abound with BDSM scenes. Bring some home for an evening of watching. A casual comment while watching Bull Durham like, “Wow, doesn’t Susan Sarandon look like she is having fun,” or, “I bet he enjoys that,” can begin an illuminating conversation. Avoid X-rated BDSM DVDs. They are so intense they can be threatening. Remember, you want to keep it fun and non-threatening. Some vanilla films that have good bondage scenes are Bull Durham, The Collector and The Nightcomers. Spanking fans have particularly recommended John Wayne’s McClintock. Secretary is a wonderful exploration of the world of dominance and submission. Some dominants may be a bit put off by the presentation of the male dominant, but if they are honest with themselves, they’ll recognize the hesitance and fear that’s behind his actions.
