‘Look, he’s waving to me!’ cried Porcus, waving back. ‘HELLO, MARCUS! I must say it’s jolly brave of him taking on a pack of lions single-handed. They look like brutes to me!’ He clapped his hands excitedly. ‘Bravo, Marcus! BRAVO!’
Furius had given up signalling for help. He was now running like a madman towards the far gates, which were shut against him. Two of the lions also broke into a run and started to close on him. Furius reached the gates first and began to claw his way up like a demented squirrel.
‘What in Hades is he doing now?’ asked Porcus.
‘I think he’s trying to escape, Excellency,’ replied Hilaria.
Porcus frowned. ‘Isn’t that a bit cowardly? I thought the idea was to stand and fight!’
Furius had somehow managed to haul himself halfway up the gate. He was now clinging on like a limpet with the hungry lions snarling and snapping below.
The crowd began to jeer and boo. Porcus Maximus, who had been cheering wildly a moment ago, joined in.
‘BOO!’ he jeered. ‘Come on, Marcus! Fight like a man!’
Marcus Furius paid no attention to the noise, but he knew he couldn’t hold on much longer. He hammered on the gate with his fist. ‘Open up, you fools! I command you, OPEN UP!’
Unfortunately for him, the only people on the other side of the gate were Ditherus and Tidio, and they weren’t in any hurry to help.
‘First give us your solemn promise,’ Tidio called back.
Furius groaned. It was that interfering slave again – the one who’d tricked him into the lions’ cell in the first place. Why wouldn’t the wretch leave him alone?
‘I’ve told you,’ he whimpered. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about!’
‘Then we’ll leave you to your friends,’ Tidio replied.
‘NO, WAIT!’ yelled Furius. He glanced down at the lions below. They were pacing back and forth, waiting for him to fall like a ripe plum. The big one with the scarred nose was slobbering at the mouth. He had no choice. ‘All right! I’ll say whatever you want!’
‘Swear,’ said Tidio.
‘On my honour as a Roman.’
‘HA!’ scoffed Tidio. ‘Swear by something else.’
‘All right. By all the gods, the sun and the moon … whatever you want!’
‘ … That you will tell the Emperor the truth.’
‘YES!’ moaned Furius. ‘For pity’s sake, I’m slipping!’
One of the lions leapt in the air and snapped at his feet, missing by a whisker. Furius yelped.
Tidio turned to Ditherus. ‘What do you think, master? Can we trust him?’
Bladderax pushed his blue face between them. ‘Him bad man. Make plenty big troubles for you?’
‘Very big troubles,’ agreed Ditherus. ‘All the same, we can’t just leave him to be eaten. The problem is, how are we going to get him out?’
Tidio had already thought of an answer to this. A few seconds later a large slab of raw steak was tossed over the gates into the arena. As the lions pounced and fought over it hungrily, the gates drew back for a few seconds. Marcus Furius came scrambling through the gap on all fours and lay in the dust, panting and exhausted.
Bladderax picked him up by the scruff of the neck as if he was a naughty puppy. ‘You bad man,’ he scolded. ‘Come with Bladderax. We go speak big Sneezer now.’
‘Sneezer?’ croaked Furius, still trembling with fright.
Ditherus smiled. ‘I think he means Caesar.’
Chapter 13
The Emperor’s Prize-giving
With a deafening blast of trumpets, Porcus Maximus IV rode into the arena in a golden chariot drawn by six white horses. It wasn’t a long walk from the gates but he liked to make a big entrance.
The victorious gladiators waited in line to receive a prize. Above them the giant arena canopy flapped in the breeze, shading them from the sun. At the far end of the line stood Ditherus, flanked by Tidio and Bladderax. The barbarian had one brawny arm clamped round Marcus Furius’s neck in case he tried to escape. When it was finally his turn, Ditherus stepped forward and bowed.
‘Ah, splendid, the brave little gladiator!’ Porcus beamed.
‘Ditherus darling!’ interrupted Hilaria, bursting out of the crowd. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I told you,’ said Ditherus. ‘I’ve been training as a gladiator. Didn’t you see my fight?’
The Emperor was looking confused. ‘Hang on a minute, you two know each other?’
‘Of course we do,’ said Hilaria. ‘This is my son, Majesty.’
‘This is young Dodderus?’
‘Er, Ditherus, Majesty,’ said Ditherus.
‘Ditherus exactly,’ said Porcus. ‘I haven’t seen you since that night at your house when I had you arrested.’ His smile faded as some of the details came back to him. ‘Come to think of it, shouldn’t you be in prison?’
Ditherus took a deep breath. ‘That was a mistake, Majesty,’ he said. ‘I swear it wasn’t me that stole your sword.’
‘Well, if it wasn’t you, who in Hades was it?’ demanded Porcus.
Tidio stepped forward. ‘I think Marcus Furius can explain that, Excellency.’
Everyone turned to Furius, who stared at his feet sullenly and said nothing. Bladderax’s arm tightened around his neck.
‘You talk,’ growled the barbarian. ‘Tell mighty Sneezer the truth.’
‘All right,’ croaked Furius, struggling to breathe. ‘It was me.’
Porcus shook his head. ‘You’ll have to speak up a bit, Marcus, I can’t hear a word you’re saying!’
‘I said IT WAS ME!’ bellowed Furius, breaking free at last. ‘I stole your precious sword and I made sure the boy got the blame.’
Porcus stared in surprise. ‘But really, Marcus, wasn’t that a bit mean?’
‘MEAN? MEAN?’ Furius’s face was so red he looked like he might explode. ‘I’ll tell you what is mean, Highness. It’s having to babysit a brainless turnip like you. Six years I’ve waited. Six years of bowing and scraping and tying your sandals for you. And when the time came who did you pick as general?’
‘Um, remind me,’ said Porcus.
‘CAIUS WART, THAT’S WHO!’ roared Furius. ‘ALWAYS CAIUS AND NEVER ME!’ Furius rushed at the Emperor as if he meant to throttle him. He might have succeeded if a giant fist hadn’t got in his way, flattening him in the dust.
‘Him bad man, Sneezer,’ observed Bladderax. ‘Make plenty big troubles. You want I feed him to lions?’
Porcus Maximus waved a jewelled hand. ‘No, no, take him away. I’ll deal with him in the morning.’ Bladderax bowed and threw Furius over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, carrying him off to the cells. The Emperor watched him go. ‘Extraordinary!’ he said.
‘What is, Majesty?’ asked Ditherus.
‘That barbarian. Didn’t you notice? He looks exactly like the one you killed.’
‘Ah yes,’ said Ditherus hastily. ‘That’s because it’s, um … it’s his brother, Majesty. They’re twins.’
‘Really? Twins? And both barbarians? Quite extraordinary!’
Porcus shook his head, before turning his attention back to Ditherus.
‘As for you, young Dodderus, I think we owe you an apology.’
‘Me, Majesty?’ said Ditherus.
‘Certainly, if it wasn’t for you I might have arrested your father instead of that raving lunatic, Furius. Only a complete nincompoop would do something like that, eh?’
‘Well, yes … I mean no,’ said Ditherus.
‘So tell me how can I reward you? A medal? An elephant? They do make a mess but they’re very useful for parades.’
‘Actually, Your Highness,’ said Ditherus, ‘there is one thing I would like.’
‘Name it, my dear boy,’ said Porcus. ‘Anything at all.’
Ditherus drew the Nemesis from his belt. ‘This sword,’ he said. ‘It saved my life, so I was wondering if, well, I could keep it?’
Porcus laughed and put an arm round
his shoulder. ‘My dear Ditherus, this shouldn’t be gathering dust in a collection. A sword like this should belong to a hero!’
‘Oh,’ said Ditherus, ‘I see.’
‘Which is why,’ beamed the Emperor, ‘I am giving it to you!’
Ditherus took the legendary sword, glowing with pride. Wait till he showed this to his dad and brothers when they returned from the war. He raised it in the air and couldn’t resist a bit of sword twirling to please the crowd.
‘LOOK OUT!’ cried Tidio, as the sword shot backwards, cartwheeling through the air. It sliced through a thick rope, which snapped in half with a loud twang.
‘Whoops!’ said Ditherus. ‘I hope that wasn’t anything … ’
But before he could say ‘important’ the great canopy shading the arena came tumbling down on their heads like the sky falling in. There was a stunned silence as everyone bumbled around in the dark, bumping into each other.
‘Ditherus darling,’ sighed Hilaria. ‘How many times have I warned you not to play with swords!’
Footnotes
1 Hades – Roman god of the underworld. Hades was also the name given to the kingdom of the dead. (In other words it was Hell.)
2 Romans believed being sick was Nature’s way of making room for seconds. Rich houses had a Vomitorium set aside for the purpose.
3 Denarii – A denarius was a silver coin, worth a day’s wages.
4 Colosseum – nickname of the great Roman amphitheatre where the Games were held.
Other titles in the History of Warts series
Custardly Wart – Pirate (Third Class)
Look out for
Honesty Wart – Witch Hunter!
Sir Bigwart – Knight of the Wonky Table
Bloomsbury Publishing, London, New Delhi, New York and Sydney
First published in Great Britain in June 2008 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
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This electronic edition published in December 2012 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
Copyright © Alan MacDonald 2008
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eISBN: 978-1-4088-1934-0
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