by Tara Brown
We all nod and he turns back to the mike. “This song goes out to the girl who has my heart.”
When the song slows, he leans in, making love to every person there, but when the song comes to life, so does he. He’s animated and dancing around, performing his heart out. My pulse is racing from my song but watching him come to life and bleed his emotions for the crowd is something entirely different.
His eyes are closed and the guitar in his hands is part of his body. It’s the sexiest thing I have ever seen, and yet I am unable to completely enjoy it. I have visions of bleaching my feet and legs and even just joining a convent.
That disgusting man is a serial rapist and I let him have sex with me, and then he violated me. I can’t believe I was so stupid.
The song ends and I realize Nance’s dad has stolen this moment from me and I let him, again. The crowd is going insane with cheering and clapping, and some girls in the front are crying.
When I see the response from the people, I know he did it.
James rocked the show so hard, he made them proverbially take their panties off and toss them at the stage.
He turns and smiles. “Me and you!”
I nod, lowering my violin and waving at the people cheering us on.
Michelle comes over to me, of course, and holds the microphone in my face and smiles as she speaks like she’s Miss Universe, “Lana, I don’t think any one in America was prepared for this moment. You are an amazingly talented performer on several instruments, if I’m not mistaken.”
I force a smile, trying hard to think on the other things in my life. I see James’ face from the other side of the line of us and point at him. “I am just so grateful for the chance to play with musicians like these guys. They really gave me an opportunity to prove myself. But the stars of this group are the guys who let me in.” I hold my hands out at them.
She turns and saunters over to James, like a little minx instead of a grunge singer. “James, we hear you and Lana have quite the relationship already going, even before the band started. Do you find it intimidating dating Lana Webber?”
He smiles and lays his country accent on thick. “No ma’am. She is the complete opposite of what you expect in every way.”
The guys all nod and smile at me.
Michelle holds the mike back. “Really? No spoilt rich-girl antics?” She laughs at me, but I just shake my head, looking down.
James shrugs. “Girls are girls, rich or poor. They all want the moon and the stars.” He winks at me. “The secret is finding one you want to work that hard for.”
Michelle fans herself. “Dang, Lana. You got yourself a good one.” She hugs him and squishes her chest into my man, teasingly. My face is still on fire as she makes her way to the other band members, kissing Nick on the cheek and slipping him her number. She clearly remembers him.
Gross.
When we finally get offstage I’m near tears. My dad wraps himself around me and whispers, “The police have him in custody. Nance is in your hotel room. Her mother called and said she had gone missing. We thought maybe she had hurt herself, but the hotel called and she was there. So Geoff is heading there to be with her. He left when you went onstage. Are you okay?”
I shake my head. “No. But I will be. I feel worse for Nance.”
He nods. “Apparently, they’re pretty broke too. Hensley lost a ton of money recently in bad investments.”
I wince and look back at James. “Dad, if they’re cash poor I need to sell off those apartments, before he has to liquidate everything and the value of my apartments is nothing. I owe James half for the condos.”
Actually, thanks to Rachel’s big mouth I owe him all four apartments and a sex tape.
Great.
I glance back at my father as he starts to put two and two together.
He looks at me, pausing. “You bribed him to join the band?”
“It was the only way.” I laugh.
“You belong in this business, Lana. I want you to go back to Harvard and take your MBA and take it seriously.” He smiles and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him more proud. He sees my face and rolls his eyes. “It’s a thought, not a command. Do what you want but contemplate it. A lot.” He nods at James. “You swear whatever was going on in the video of last night was nothing?”
I nod. “For reals, nothing. He would never hurt me. Trust me. He kicked Andy’s ass for me.”
He purses his lips. “That does make me like him more. Go and tell him I said amazing performance. Him and all the guys. You were spectacular. We should see about pissing James off before every performance. But I need to go have a drink. This has been the worst day ever. I feel like a wretched father.”
I hug him. “Yeah well, I’m not a saintly daughter so we match, Dad.”
He kisses my head. “That we do, kid.” He looks down. “You quitting Ron?”
“Yeah. I don’t need to talk about my feelings with a stranger. I just need to talk about them with the people who make me feel them.”
His eyebrows lift. “Whoa. That was deep.”
I wink. “I’m full of those lately.”
He chuckles and walks off.
Leo comes and hugs me, whispering. “I’m headed to your hotel room. Geoff says it’s bad.”
I scowl. “What—does everyone know each other now? You’re texting Este and Geoff?”
He laughs, kissing me and walking away.
The guys are standing in a corner, talking. I walk up and kiss Brandon and Simon both on the cheek. “My dad said to tell you, you were amazing.” I walk to Nick and hug him, letting him hug too hard like he always does to girls—little perv. He lets me go and I turn to James and kiss his cheek. “He said we should piss you off more often before a show.”
He doesn’t smile with everyone else. I know we need to have a major talk. I look at the other guys. “See you back at the hotel?”
“After I snag me another one of the pussy cats.” Nick gives me the thumbs up.
Simon and Brandon are about to leave when three of Bryce’s girls come strolling over, looking like hookers.
“I got this covered.” Nick beams and winks at me.
I roll my eyes and walk out with James. “The start of this show is beginning to feel like the end of it.”
He wraps an arm around me and kisses my head. “It’s the end of a lot of things.”
I glance up into his dark-green eyes. “Yah, like Mr. Hensley’s freedom. They caught him, huh?”
His eyebrows lift. “Really?”
I nod.
He sighs. “That is the best news ever. He’s behind bars where I can’t hurt him.”
I laugh bitterly, knowing it’s true.
When we get to the hotel, I try to make him go to his room so I can talk to Nance alone. He refuses, of course, and comes with me, insisting he will sit in the hallway.
It’s ridiculous but I need to see her. Even after everything she did to me. When I get inside, my heart breaks. She’s sobbing into Leo’s arms and shaking. She’s saying things but I can’t understand them. I pause at the edge of the bed where they’re cuddling but when she looks up, I start to cry immediately.
She shakes her head, crying more sentences I don’t understand. I sit on the bed next to her and let her cry. I don’t know what else to do, and I can tell Leo is traumatized, so we snuggle into each other and hold her until she passes out. I lift my head from the heap the three of us have become and glance over at Leo. “Is she asleep?”
He nods. “Thank God. She’s so upset. Her dad told her he slept with you—you seduced him was what he said when she called with the problem of Weaver being passed out in the penthouse.”
“So she had no problem blaming me. Thinking I was a seductress whore?” It all makes sense.
He shrugs. “She didn’t know he was a pervert.”
I make a duck-lips face and think about it. “We should have known though. What forty-five-year-old man has sex with an eighteen-year-old?”
“That is nasty. When you say it like that, it’s nasty. He looks good for an older dude, but not THAT good!” Leo wrinkles his nose.
“Whatever.” I roll my eyes.
He nods at the door. “Is James still outside?”
I glance at the door and grimace. “Oh snap. Text me when she wakes up, and we can try to have a conversation again.”
“Bitch isn’t going to talk right for months. We are going to have to learn to speak squeaky code.”
“That’s probably true. Okay, well, I’ll crash with James if you want to stay here.”
He nods and pats sleeping Nance.
I stumble out to the hall where James is asleep against the wall next to my door.
God, he’s perfect.
I lean down and grab one of his hands. “Come on, cowboy. Let’s get you to bed.” He mumbles something, as he gets up, bleary-eyed and half asleep. I drape him over me and struggle down the hall to his room. When we get to the door I fish the room key from his pocket and smile at how tired he is. The jet lag is murder.
Once inside, I push him on the bed and help him take off his clothes and pull mine off. He sleeps naked, but I’m finding the air conditioning cold, so I grab one of his tee shirts and drag it on before getting into bed with him.
He lays there, spooning me, and I think it hits him then that he’s in bed with me. He moans and mutters. “You know, when I met you, you were a broken socialite. But that’s not who you are anymore. Now you’re the light that brightens every room and every heart. You’re the girl I always prayed I would find.” He kisses my cheek and falls into a deep sleep. It’s probably the greatest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
I lay next to James, listening to him sleeping as I process it all. Everything has fallen apart, but I don’t care. Mr. Hensley can’t hurt me. Andy can’t have me. Nance can either be my friend for reals or she can hit the road, but I deserve good friends. I want to be a good friend.
I guess it boils down to the positives in my life outweighing the negatives. I have the best boyfriend ever. My dad and me are fully cool, even if we make poor choices trying to protect each other. Leo and me are BFFs. I have the best band in the competition, if I’m honest with myself. And I’m not high anymore. Everything is a genuine emotion and I am strong enough to cope with the bad stuff.
Even when I was beside myself this morning when Geoff told me about Nance’s dad, I still found my way onstage and gave the best performance I could.
I climb from the bed and tiptoe onto the balcony, looking up at the hazy sky. You can’t really ever see the stars in LA, but I know she’s there. So I slink into the night and stand there, in my tee shirt and underwear.
I look up at the hazy sky and smile. I know she’s smiling back. The loss of her almost ended every good thing. But thanks to James, instead I have learned to savor the sweet and suffer through the sour with the balance I spoke to Nance about once upon a time.
Love is the balance in our lives.
Epilogue
Mistress Lana
Lana
Nance blinks and nods as we walk out of the courthouse. She leans on me for support, but we don’t talk about the four counts of sexual assault or the assault causing bodily harm, or the few other charges no one wants to talk about, that her father just got convicted of. We don’t ever talk about the disturbing shit that was found in her house, things like naked pictures of me or locks of hair from the other girls. Some of it is from the girls who came forward in California but haven’t been dealt with yet in their courts. I was made to go on national TV as a spokesperson for sexual assault. I didn’t want to, but the trial has been so publicized that I didn’t have much choice. It was either be the ashamed victim or show the world I’m stronger than that.
Finally, she says something as we walk down the massive steps. “My mom filed yesterday.”
“I’m so sorry, Nance.” And it’s the truth. I am sorry for her. We catch a ride back to Harvard where the people still give me their best attempt at pompous-ass scowls, instead of smiles or waves.
Fuck them.
I’m mid-glare at a girl when I notice Nance is still nattering on. “So, I decided that after everything sells and I’m done my degree, I’m moving to Europe.” She smiles. “I have already been checking places out and you should so come with me.”
“I can’t. The band is signed. We all agreed that we are recording this fall here in Boston, and we’ll do a fast tour in the summer so we don’t mess with school.” I shake my head and try to grasp the last five months of my life. What a ride. The ups and downs have been epic in both directions.
“I still can’t believe your dad talked you into coming back here,” she teases.
It makes me laugh. “I’m lucky they took me back.”
“Girl, when you guys won the show everyone in America fell in love with you. Ignore the pretentious assholes at this place. Haters.” She points at a girl sneering at us as she walks by. Nance raises her voice, “Haters.” I laugh harder until she turns my face the way she’s looking. “Kid with no deodorant.”
I wince. “Oh God. Let’s go this way.”
“I’m glad you aren’t too different.”
“I’m different but I’m still me. I think James and my dad still expect me to be some grownup but I’m like—dudes, it’s been five months. I think I’m doing pretty good for five months.”
“You’re doing awesome. You aren’t even humping Andy anymore. That’s huge.” We enter a bathroom where she leans into the mirror and reapplies her lip gloss. I don’t want to do mine, because I have to go back to the room. I’m meeting James. Her bright-blue eyes glance at me in the mirror. “You aren’t humping Andy, right?”
I almost choke. “Gross. No. He wishes, trust me. He’s still texting non-stop. But I always ignore or send a fuck you meme.”
“Awesome.” She laughs and then sighs. “I miss Leo. Is he ever coming back here?”
I shake my head. “No. Just when we’re recording, he says he’ll pop in. Boooo. He’s in LA now for good. My dad loves him though, so it’s cool. His dad sort of has to accept him because my dad does. They still took away his trust fund though. He has to marry a female to be allowed to have it. He’s seeing my dad’s meanest lawyer about using human rights acts to get the money. I don’t even know.”
“Our parents are fucking insane.” She shakes her head.
“Amen.”
“Except yours.” She heads for the door, giving me an earnest look. “Your dad is pretty cool.”
I nod. “He is pretty cool. Him and Rach are pretty decent.”
“He’s still with Rachel?”
“Yeah. They’ve made it work. I hope she is the one who just makes him happy or he just dates. I don’t get the getting married every couple of years. It’s crazy.” I walk through the door behind her.
“I’m never getting married,” she laments before waving and walking across the hall for the door to the class she’s going to. “See you after. Soccer game later?”
I wink. “You know it.”
She has changed so much too.
I wish we could have changed the normal way and not needed something so terrible to make it happen.
I leave the building, answering Este with a message about meeting at the soccer game to watch James and Nick. I suspect something is going on with her and Nick, but she doesn’t want to talk about it and he’s a man ho—he doesn’t kiss and tell ‘cause he’s kissing too much. At any rate, it appears his family is not too white. She still hasn’t clarified that one for me, but did tell me I’m too white. I think it’s bad but I can’t be sure.
I hurry across campus to my dorm. I’m not even ten feet from the door when Andy crosses my path, propositioning me with his smug look.
“No. The answer is still no.” I roll my eyes.
He shouts after me as I enter the dorm. “I still miss you! Just come to Europe with me for a week. Let’s just get away and see if this can work. You need me as much as I need
you. We match.”
I hold my middle finger up so he can see it through the glass and run to my room. He’s been begging for all five of the months since we last got together. Like I would break up with THE James Holland for Andy Saint Clare. Pshh, as if.
I change quickly and hide in the bathroom as James comes running in and calling for me. “Lana? You here?”
I open the door with my serious business face on and a riding crop in my hand. “That’s Mistress Lana to you.”
His jaw drops at my high boots, bustier, and silk underwear. “Yes, ma’am.” He’s been begging me for the whole four months we’ve been dating, but I refused. I wanted it to be a surprise. His fingers come alive, undoing his pants and earning a strike on his hand from the crop.
“I didn’t tell you to do that.”
He grins wide and gives pause. “Yes, Mistress Lana.” He glances at the clock and raises his hand.
I cock an eyebrow and sigh impatiently. “What? This isn’t second grade, Mr. Holland.”
“I have two hours till my first game against Yale. Can you just keep that in mind please, Mistress Lana?” He licks his lips and smiles.
A sinister look crosses my face. “All depends on you and how happy you make me.”
He laughs but only for a second. Then he cries out as the riding crop connects with his legs.
“Hurry up and get undressed, all the way.”
He hurries as I take my time, grabbing my secret weapon. He is tugging at his clothes, part scared and part excited. His raging erection gives him away.
I squirt lube into my secret little toy that makes all the boys cry—with joy, and walk over to him. I love the sound of my thigh-high boots clicking on the hardwood floors.
He is naked and waiting for commands. I strike his fine ass with the crop. “Hands on the bed.” He puts his hands there, looking back nervously and maybe with a little curiosity. I whip him across the ass cheeks again but connecting better because he’s bent over.
