by Kate Field
Helen turned back to him.
‘And what happened?’ Though it was silly to ask – of course she knew he hadn’t found her. But what if he had seen her, bump starting to show?
‘I couldn’t find you. The house was sold, and neither the new owners, nor the estate agents, nor our solicitors, had a forwarding address. I tried Adam, but he pretty much refused to speak to me, as if I were the guilty party.’
Helen said nothing. By that stage she must have told her brother she was pregnant, and failed to disabuse his assumption that Daniel had rejected her because of it.
‘I even went to the police, but they weren’t interested. As far as I could tell, you had vanished into thin air.’
Exactly what Helen had done, at the time, while she tried to get her head round her new future, and grieve for a relationship she had murdered.
Someone walked down the corridor between them. It gave Helen a moment for reflection, but not long enough to prevent the question hovering on her lips from tumbling out.
‘What would you have done if you’d found me?’
Instantly she regretted her weakness, as his alcohol-glazed blue eyes regarded her without a trace of emotion.
‘By the sounds of it, from what you’ve said tonight, I’d have made an even bigger fool of myself. But at the time, I would have said or done anything to persuade you to come with me.’
‘It would have made no difference,’ she said quickly, desperately. ‘I could never have gone to Hong Kong.’
‘Then I would have come back. Hong Kong was never that important.’
It was the last thing Helen wanted to hear. She didn’t believe him – she couldn’t allow herself to believe him, or what had been the point of the previous four years? The job in Hong Kong had meant everything to him, the culmination of years of ambition and hard work: she had been convinced of it, or she would never have made the decision she had. He had spent several weeks there on his own, while she stayed behind to arrange the sale of the house, and he had loved it. She still had emails he had sent her, raving about the place, and what an amazing life the two of them would have there. But by the time she was due to fly out, it hadn’t been the two of them any more. The new life he craved was no longer possible – or not if she joined him. She had let the flight go without her.
‘You’re kidding yourself,’ she said, her voice sounding harsher than she intended. ‘From the moment you were offered that job, there was never any question of you turning it down. Oh, you went through the motions, consulting me, listening to your family, taking me to see what it was like. But you were always going to go, whatever I did. It was that important.’ He opened his mouth, but she hurried on. ‘You would never have been happy if you had stayed here. I couldn’t have let you do it.’
‘Come off it, Nell,’ Daniel said, shaking his head dismissively. She shivered at the name only he had ever called her. ‘Don’t try to pass off what you did as some sort of grand sacrifice for my sake. I may have loved you, but I was never blind to what you are. You always put yourself first. You didn’t come to Hong Kong because you didn’t want to. Don’t make out there was any other reason.’
The key bit into Helen’s hand as she clenched her fingers together, and clamped down her teeth to stop herself spitting out the truth. Then he made a small shrug, a gesture so like Megan she almost gasped.
‘As it happens, it turns out you were right.’ His gaze was steady, despite the alcohol. ‘I was probably happier there than I’ve ever been. And as I had no ties, I could suit myself. I could work whatever hours I needed to, travel wherever I wanted, stay out all night with whoever I chose. From Hong Kong I moved on to Tokyo, and then Australia, where of course I met Tasha. So really you did me a favour. I was soon glad you weren’t tagging along.’
He meant to hurt her, that was clear. But he didn’t realise that the darts he flung so savagely grew wings and landed softly on their target. Every word watered down the guilt she had carried round with her for so long. The night had turned out badly, but she felt an unexpected release in her chest.
‘I’m happy it worked out for you,’ she said at last. She turned away and opened the door. ‘Good night.’
She’d taken two steps into the room when she heard movement behind her and he grabbed her arm. He was a surprisingly nimble drunk.
‘Helen.’ Something about his voice made her face him again. ‘Was it ever real? Those months in London, at least? Did you ever love me?’
It took an immense effort to stand still, not to reach out for him and put her hand on his, not to smooth out his frown with her fingers as she had done so often in the past. The truth was gagging in her throat. But she had left it far, far too late to alter her course now.
‘It was fun. More fun than I’d had with anyone else.’ He dropped her arm, his face sagging. ‘Goodbye, Daniel.’
CHAPTER 3
Helen checked out early the next morning, abandoning the chance of a lie-in and skipping breakfast. The sight of Daniel and Tasha sharing a postcoital glow would have ruined her appetite. No doubt Tasha had already enjoyed her own very special full English.
Megan was blatantly disappointed to see Helen return so soon, and wriggled out from her hug.
‘She’s had a great time,’ Kirsty said. ‘What about you? I can’t tell whether you look like you’ve had an amazing night or an awful one. You could carry coal in those bags under your eyes.’
‘I didn’t get much sleep.’
‘That sounds interesting.’ Kirsty closed the door as the children ran out. ‘Tell me everything. Did you not sleep with anyone in particular?’
Helen laughed.
‘If only it had been that exciting…’
‘Wasn’t it?’ Kirsty looked disappointed. ‘Your first night of freedom and you didn’t make the most of it? Did no one catch your eye? What did you pull that face for? There was someone, wasn’t there?’
‘No.’ Kirsty opened her mouth, ready to continue her interrogation, and Helen caved in. ‘He was there.’
‘He… oh! You mean Megan’s…’ Helen nodded. ‘Does he live round here? How have you managed to avoid him with Megan?’
‘He’s been working in the Far East until now.’
‘Really? So how long is it since you’ve seen him?’
‘Four years.’ And six months, two days. If she’d been counting.
‘So how was it when you saw him again last night? Had he changed much?’
‘He was older.’
‘Gone to seed? Big belly? Lost his hair?’
Helen laughed.
‘That sounds more like me! Time has definitely been kinder to him. Salt-and-pepper hair, maybe, but he’s the sort of man who can carry it off.’
‘Right. So you still think he’s gorgeous?’
‘He’s still got it. But he’s also now got an equally gorgeous girlfriend, a blonde Australian fitness trainer.’
‘Ah. So no happy reunion then?’
‘That was never going to happen.’ Only in her head. It had happened a hundred times there. But so, as the years wore on, had the unhappy-ever-after, where he had returned and punished her by taking Megan away. ‘It was hard to ignore how much he hates me.’
‘He didn’t take the news about Megan well?’
Helen took a sip of coffee and moved her head slightly in what could have been interpreted as a shake. Kirsty wasn’t fooled.
‘You didn’t tell him, did you?’
‘No,’ Helen admitted. ‘It wasn’t the time or the place.’
‘But you do plan to?’
‘No. This is probably just a flying visit for Craig’s party. He’ll be gone again soon. He doesn’t need to know. We’re fine as we are.’
‘But he deserves to know! And what about Megan, don’t you think she might be interested in having a dad?’
There was no answer to that, or not one that Helen wanted to give.
‘You’ve never said Megan was missing anything before.’
&nbs
p; ‘Because I thought you didn’t know who her dad was. I didn’t realise there was a perfectly decent man out there who was losing out on knowing her.’ Kirsty squeezed Helen’s arm. ‘You know I’m not judging you. But if he’s back for a while, amongst all your friends who know about Megan, it’s only a matter of time before he finds out, isn’t it? You can’t go on hiding this. You have to tell him. You have to do it for Megan.’
Helen flopped down onto the sofa. Kirsty had hit upon the only argument that could make Helen pause and reconsider what she was doing. She had spent four years striving to do what was best for Megan. How could she stop now? Of course it had occurred to her before, to wonder if Megan would be happier with a father. But she had become adept at burying those wonderings, because they challenged the decision she had made. Was she still being the typical selfish Helen that Daniel remembered? For Megan’s sake, did she have to tell him, while he was here?
Helen closed her eyes, and stroked the chenille nap of the sofa, taking comfort from the familiar feel of fabric. She couldn’t bury the truth any more. She knew she had to do it, and face whatever consequences followed. She just wasn’t ready yet. She couldn’t imagine ever being ready.
‘So he hates you before he even knows about Megan?’ Kirsty asked, when Helen stayed silent. ‘After so long apart? And though he has the hot new girlfriend?’ Helen nodded. ‘He must have loved you an awful lot.’
‘Yes, he did. But don’t go dreaming of happy-ever-afters,’ she warned, seeing Kirsty’s eyes begin to sparkle. ‘I can’t compete with Miss Australia.’
‘But you have a huge advantage that she doesn’t have.’
‘If you say age or experience I’ll throw the rest of this coffee over your lovely cream sofa.’
‘You wouldn’t dare. And that’s not what I meant. You have Megan on your side. Miss Australia isn’t the mother of his child, is she?’
‘Thanks for that glowing review of all my desirable assets.’
‘Hello, this sounds interesting.’ Kirsty’s husband, Ben, came in, a crying toddler in his arms. ‘Sorry to interrupt, but Tommy isn’t happy about the amount of attention I’m paying to the vegetables. Can I leave him with you?’
‘I’ll take him.’ Helen stood up and prised Tommy away from his father. ‘Shall I take him out in the pram? He might be glad of a nap before lunch.’
‘But it looks like it’s going to rain,’ Kirsty protested.
‘I don’t mind.’ Helen was already pulling on her coat. ‘Some fresh air would probably do me good.’
‘I thought you were looking ropey,’ Ben said, with more honesty than tact. ‘What did you get up to last night? Or is it not suitable for a man’s ears?’
‘It would be suitable for the Pope’s ears. I had an early night.’
‘Is that what you call it now?’ Ben laughed. ‘I believe you. I hope you weren’t worrying about Megan. She had a great time, and we loved having her. She played quite happily with Jenny this morning, and we had the best lie-in we’ve had for ages…’ He winked at Kirsty, whose dirty chuckle left no doubt over what he meant. ‘In fact, if you want to leave her here every weekend, I won’t object…’
‘Now I definitely need some fresh air to blow that image from my head.’ Helen laughed, and fastened Tommy into his pushchair. ‘Back in an hour or so, okay?’
She pushed Tommy out of the house, and walked towards the park, where she wandered round idly, wishing the blustery wind could blow the relics of last night right out of her head. When Tommy fell asleep at last, she headed back to Kirsty’s, taking a quicker route along the main road, but as the rain started in earnest she had to stop to fasten on the raincover over the pram. It wasn’t easy: the wind took hold of the plastic and blew it around on one side as she attempted to tie down the other, and the rain running down her face made it difficult to see anything.
‘Hey! It’s Helen, isn’t it?’
Helen looked up, pushing rain-soaked hair from her face, and saw that a new BMW had pulled up at the kerb beside her. The front passenger window was wound down, and a smiling Tasha was leaning over from the driver’s seat – across a most definitely not smiling Daniel. He was pale, unshaven, and clearly suffering from a horrendous hangover. Helen’s heart lurched. She knew exactly what he needed to make him feel better. She wondered whether Tasha did, and whether she’d already administered his medicine that morning.
‘Hello,’ Helen replied, gaze firmly fixed on Tasha. There was no hint of a hangover there: she looked as blonde and perky as she had last night. Helen felt more conscious than ever of how frightful she must look herself, the weather having put the finishing touches on the devastation resulting from a sleepless night. ‘I didn’t expect to see you up and about so early.’ Or anywhere near here, she could have added. She’d assumed they were staying with Valerie in Cheshire.
‘Blame this darling man for that,’ Tasha replied, flashing a bright smile at Helen, and ruffling Daniel’s hair. Helen imagined the coarse texture of that hair under her own fingers. ‘He drank far too much at the party, and kept me awake all night – and I don’t mean in a fun way!’ She laughed. ‘We were up early and he wanted to go home, so here we are.’
Tommy suddenly let out a scream, which was uncanny, because it was exactly the sound Helen was making in her head. Tasha looked like that after a sleepless night? And what was that about going home? Surely they weren’t staying round here, where she might run into them at any time, with Megan?
‘I didn’t know you had a baby,’ Tasha said, appearing to notice the pram for the first time. ‘Is it a little boy?’
‘Yes.’ Helen could see out of the side of her eye that Daniel was staring at her. ‘He’s not mine, though. I’m taking him for a walk while my friend makes lunch. The weather wasn’t quite as bad when I set off.’
A sudden gust of wind blew the raincover off again, and Tommy let out another scream as he was attacked by a face full of rain. Helen turned back to him, and struggled once more to pin down one side while the other flapped. The next thing she knew, Daniel was out of the car, and within moments he had Tommy securely encased beneath the cover.
‘Thanks,’ Helen said. She was going to leave it at that, but she couldn’t stand his silent scrutiny. ‘I would have managed it myself.’
‘The poor child might have caught pneumonia by then.’ He stared at her, rain streaking down his face, but he made no move to get back in the car. ‘Who on earth would trust you with their baby? You used to be barely capable of looking after a cat.’
‘I’ve changed,’ she said, biting her lip to hide her reaction to his words. He had thrown so many darts last night, but this one hit the bullseye.
His eyes flicked over her.
‘So I can see,’ he said. His expression left no doubt that he didn’t mean it as a compliment. Personal insults now! After all they’d been to each other, how had they come to this? She felt another stab of pain, and to prevent him seeing it, she went on the attack.
‘I don’t need you to tell me how crap I look. You’re not looking so hot yourself.’
‘So not everything has changed. Still just as quick to fly off the handle, aren’t you?’
‘Only with you. It seems your ability to wind me up is as strong as ever.’
She saw, then, the memories flash across his face. Their relationship had been a passionate one in every way, and she knew he was thinking not only of how they had wound each other up, but of how they had wound down afterwards.
‘Are you getting back in, Danny?’ Tasha’s voice floated over them, bringing them back to the present. ‘You’re drenched, and I expect Helen needs to get on.’
‘Yes, I’d better return Tommy to his parents before they panic.’
Tasha laughed as Daniel climbed into the car.
‘That’s exactly the sort of child I like best. One that can be handed back!’ The passenger window rose, then stopped and lowered again. ‘Hey, will you be at the christening next weekend?’
‘Wh
at christening?’ Helen knew it was a stupid question as soon as the words left her mouth. How could she not have seen this coming?
‘Is it Anita’s baby? I lost track of all the names last night. I can’t even remember what it is. I know it made a lot of noise… I’d have had to switch that monitor off!’ Tasha laughed. ‘Will we see you there?’
‘Yes, I’ll be there.’ Helen had no choice: she was Sophie’s godmother. She’d been thrilled when Anita had asked; now she wished she was an ordinary guest, and could feign a sudden illness to avoid the event. Thank God Tasha had mentioned it, so she could at least stop Megan going.
Tasha waved goodbye, and raised the window again. Daniel looked fixedly ahead while they drove away. Helen walked back to Kirsty’s house, hardly registering the rain now that a bigger cloud hovered over her head. She’d had a lucky escape with the christening, but it had confirmed what Kirsty had said earlier. Daniel was going to find out, whether she was ready for it or not. And though a cowardly part of her thought how much easier it would be if he heard it from someone else, she still cared for him too much to allow that to happen. He deserved better.
‘I thought you’d have been back ages ago,’ Kirsty said, opening the door as Helen pushed the pram up the path. She looked at Helen’s face, and frowned.
‘What’s the matter? Did Tommy not sleep?’
‘Yes, he’s fine. We were delayed by an encounter with Miss Australia.’
‘Really?’ Kirsty scooped Tommy out of the pram and stared at Helen. ‘What was she doing round here? Was she on her own?’
‘Daniel was there. I think they must be staying nearby.’
‘And was the second meeting any easier than the first?’
‘No. Worse, if that’s possible.’
‘Did you tell him?’
‘No, it was hardly the time…
standing out in the rain… and with Miss Australia there…’
‘You’re going to run out of excuses eventually.’
Not if she tried hard enough. She was known for her creativity, wasn’t she?
