Another great delight of Panurge was keeping a whip under his gown, with which he used to lash, until his very arm ached, such pages as he found carrying wine to their masters. He used to say it was to make them go faster, and he was sure their masters would thank him for it.
Another was to carry in his coat more than twenty-and-six little fobs and pockets, which were always full, — one of a little lead-water-, another of a little blade sharpened like a glover's needle, with which, I am ashamed to say, Panurge used to cut purses; another of some bitter stuff, which he used to throw in the eyes of everybody he met; and still others of a mixture which he would throw upon the dresses and bonnets of good people, walking peaceably and soberly in the streets.
Another trick was slily to fasten people together by little hooks, which he always kept in his pocket, and to laugh till he grew black in the face, on seeing how, in trying to get loose, they only tore their clothes to rags.
Another was to provide himself with two or three looking-glasses, and, by shifting them here and there in his hand from a distance, throw the fierce light straight into the eyes of men and women, who would get half-crazy trying to find out where their sudden blindness came from.
Still another trick — and this was a very mean one — he used to play with a small vial filled with the oldest and most rancid oil he could find. Whenever he met a woman dressed as fine as a peacock, he would come up, saying: (f Why, here's a fine cloth, or a fine satin, or a fine taffety," as the case might be. :t Madam, may Heaven grant you whatever your noble heart might wish for! You have there a new dress. Heaven keep it long for you, fair dame ! " While the rogue was saying all these fine words, he would, of course, be placing his hand on the collar or the shoulder of the lady, and smearing it all over with his vile oil, and leaving a spot which could never be scrubbed out. Then he would make his prettiest bow, and smile his sweetest smile, saying: "My dear Madam, let me beg you to be very careful about here, because there is a large and muddy hole just before you, and you might soil your beautiful dress."
At another time he would carry a box filled with a well-powdered sneezing-gum, into which he would put a handsome broidered handkerchief that he had stolen on the way from a pretty seamstress of the Palace. He would go looking about for some fine ladies, and whenever he would meet them, with a great show of reverence, he would take out his scented handkerchief, and, on pretence of showing its beauty, flirt it quickly before their noses, at which the fine ladies would sneeze for four hours without stopping.
Then Panurge would make a lower and more respectful bow than ever, and go away to the nearest corner to have a quiet laugh by himself.
PANURGE'S FUN.
CHAPTER XXVIII.
SHOWING WHY THE LEAGUES ARE SO MUCH SHORTER IN FRANCE THAN IN GERMANY.
A SHORT time after the famous dispute, Pantagruel heard two very startling bits of news. One was that his father Gar-gantua had been transported to the country of the Fairies by Morgan, in the same way that she had already carried off Ogier the Dane and King Arthur. The other was that, on hearing of this, and taking advantage of it, the Dipsodes, or Thirsty people, Gargantua's neighbors, had swarmed from their fortresses and ravaged a large part of Utopia, and were even then besieging the chief city of the Amaurotes. When Pantagruel heard this bad news he boiled with rage. He left Paris without a word of good-by to anybody, for the affair called for speed. He was accompanied only by his special train, which included his master Epistemon, Panurge, Eusthenes, and Carpalim. From Paris he went to Rouen. While on the road, Pantagruel noticed that the French leagues were very short when compared with those of other countries, which he had seen in his travels. He asked Panurge how this could be. Then Panurge, who was never at fault, after turning up his long nose, told him this little story: —
"In the old days, when that fine King Pharamond reigned over France, there were no leagues, no metes, no furlongs, no recognized boundaries between different countries; nothing, in fact, to show where one country began and where another ended. That just old King resolved to make all this right. So he caused to be brought together in Paris two hundred of the brightest and prettiest girls and
PANTAGRUEL MARCHES TO ROUEN.
boys to be found in all France, whom he feasted well for eight days. After that the King called the two hundred children before him, and gave them a sum of money large enough for their expenses during a long journey. He then commanded that they should not go out by the same gate, but start away on different roads, here and there, as their fancy took them out from the city. He further told them that, wherever they should stop to play and run about in the bright sunshine, and gather flowers, or chase the beautiful butterflies, they should leave a stone there show that they had done so. 'That stone would mean, ' This is one league.'
" It was summer time in the pleasant, flowery, laughing; month of June, when the skies seem more full of blue, the fields more full of green, and the roses more full of red, than they are at any to other time, that the gentle King Pharamond had gathered these innocent children together. The whole party, with bright cheeks and merry laughter, started from Paris by one road and another. How could the children help feeling happy when the skies were so blue, the fields so green, and the roses so red, and when the butterflies would fly so near the ground, as if only too glad to be run after and caught! And then each boy and girl knew that their generous King had given them so much money that, to their simple fancies, it seemed as if they could never spend it all, try as hard as they might.
ln those bright June days, full of light, and green, and blue, they were always crying out: ' Let us stop ! Oh, let us stop to play.'
" So they used, at first, to stop at every turn of the road to skip and gambol about in the fields, to gather the pretty flowers, to chase the brilliant butterflies, to sing back to the singing-birds in the trees, and to breathe in the sweet summer air, after which, with ringing laughter and the merriest shouts, they would leave a big stone to mark the spot where they had been so happy.
* This explains, my lord," said Panurge, making a face, " why our leagues in France are so short."
'* I see, I see," said the good Pautagruel, who had fallen into deep thought.
"But the longest summer must come to an end," Panurge went on to say. " And when children stop at every turn of the road to play in the sun, and to run in the fields, and to pluck the flowers, and chase the butterflies, and sing with the singing-birds, they are only robbing themselves of their own glad time. For Autumn, w r ith his clouds that hide the sun, and his ugly days, and his chilly nights, must be very patient if he does not soon begin to think it high time for him to come on the scene. So it got to be quite another thing for the poor children the farther they went from Paris, because they soon found out that King Pharamond's gift, large as it was, could not last forever. The more they travelled, the worse the weather, the nearer they came to the bottom of their purse, the heavier grew the road, and the more tired their little bodies became. At last, all that the weary children prayed for was that they might reach the end of their hard journey as fast as possible. But Autumn himself was getting very old by that time, and fierce Winter, with his chilling breath, and his hands of ice, and his mantle of snow, was beginning to wonder when brother Autumn was going to give him a chance of dropping his shining mantle over field, lane, and road. There were no longer any blue sky; no longer any green fields ; no longer any red roses for the children ; and the bright butterflies were all dead now, and the singing-birds were all mute.
" All that the poor little children could now do, wringing their hands, was to cry: 'Let us go on! Oh, do let us go on!'
" So, too sad to think of play, but remembering always the command of their good King, they walked, or rather limped, along the highway, and would rest as little as they could until they had reached Germany, and gone to the very end of that country, to make sure that they had done their duty."
After telling this legend of King Pharamond and his two hundred little child
ren, Panurge remarked, with a very ugly grin : —
"And this, Your Highness, is why those cursed German leagues are so long"
CHAPTER XXIX.
HOW THE CUNNING OF PANURGE, WITH THE AID OF EUSTHENES AND CARPALIM, DISCOMFITED SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY HORSEMEN.
STARTING from Rouen, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon, Eusthenes, and Carpalim arrived at Harfleur, but remained at that city only one hour, when they took to sea,— a friendly North-North-west wind blowing at the time, —' and, with all sails set, in a short time passing by Porto Sancto, and Madeira, touched at the Canaries.
Once more on blue water, keeping close to the Senegal coast of Africa, they skirted by Cape Blanco and Cape Verde, and, still steering south-east, sailed on, day after day, until, after weathering the Cape of Good Hope, they touched at the friendly kingdom of Melinda. Taking to ship again after resting a week in Melinda, they made good progress with a wind from over the mountains, and, after passing by Meden, Uti, Uden, Galasin, by the Isles of the Fairies, and skirting the kingdom of Anchoria, finally cast anchor in the port of Utopia, which is a little over three leagues from the chief city of the Amaurotes, that was then being hotly besieged by the Dipsodes, who, as you know, called themselves the Thirsty People.
When they had rested a bit and got their land-legs well on again, Pantagruel, who, even in sea-sickness, — and he had, in fact, been very sick, — had been thinking of the perils in which his father's kingdom had been placed, remarked : " My children, it is lucky that those rascals have not occupied this port, and it is just as strange as lucky, because the city is not more than three leagues off. But, before we march to its relief, it would be wise to consider what is best to be done. Are you all resolved to live or die with me?"
'Yes, Your Highness, yes!" responded all. "Count on us as you might count on your fingers."
"I have somehow a trouble on my mind," Pantagruel went on to say. " I know neither in what order nor in what number are my enemies who besiege the city. If I could once know this, we should more surely be able to help my poor people."
Then all the four companions cried out together : " Leave that to
THE VOYAGE BEGINS.
us ! This day shall not pass before we bring Your Highness news."
Panurge, as was to be expected, was the first to step forward.
"I undertake, my lord," he said, "to enter into their camp in spite of their guards. What is more, I shall dine with them at their own expense, — not one of them knowing who I am ; visit their artillery ; count the number of tents of their captains; and strut at my will through the bands without ever being once detected. For /am of the lineage of Zopyrus."
Then Master Epistemon came forward : —
" I know all the stratagems of the ancient captains and champions of Antiquity; and all the ruses and artifices of the camps. Your
Highness need have no fear of my being caught, as I shall make them believe of you what I please. For /am of the lineage of Sinon."
Then Eusthenes : —
" I shall get through their trenches under the noses of their sentinels ; for I shall pass through them, and — in spite of them, even though each one were as strong as a bull — break their legs and wrench their arms for them as I pass. For / am of the lineage of Hercules."
Then Carpalirn : —
" As for me, Your Royal Highness, I promise to slip into the camp if ever a bird can fly there, because my body is so light that I can jump their trenches and leap through their tents before their keenest eyes can see me. I am afraid of neither arrows nor bow-shots. As for their swift horses, I laugh at them. I undertake to skim over an ear of corn or the tall meadow grass, without either ever bending under me. For / am of the lineage of Camilla, the Amazon."
Carpalim had scarcely declared that he was of the lineage of Camilla, the Amazon, when a great shout was heard; and the whole party, turning round to find whence the noise came, saw six hundred light cavalry riding at full speed to see what ship had come into port, and to capture the crew r if fast riding and loud shouting could do it.
Pantagruel's big nostrils opened and shut, and went up and down in excitement, as he roared out: —
" My lads, get you at once to the ship ! You see our enemies there ? I shall kill them, if they were ten times their number, just as easily as though they were so many beasts. So get in there, and you will have some sport! "
But Panurge, who, if a coward, was very sly, had been hatching a plan of his own, and answered: —
"No, my lord, there is no need of your taking so much trouble. On the contrary, you are the one to go into the ship, both you and the others, for I, myself, undertake, singly and without aid, to settle those rogues. But there is no time for delay. Seconds are worth hours now ! "
The others joined in with Paiiurge.
" Well said, my lord. Let Your Highness retire, and ve shall help Pa-nurge in such a way that you will soon learn what we can do when we try."
Pantagruel, who saw that trick, not fight, was to win the battle, was highly amused at all this. As he started to go back
PANURGE DISCOMFITS THE HORSEMEN.
into the ship, he said : —
" I am willing, but on one condition. If those rascals are too strong for you, call out for me."
The first thing Panurge did was to get two stout ropes from the vessel. After tying these to the capstan on the deck he pulled them to the shore, where he twined them round and round into two circles, one very large, and the other a smaller circle inside of the larger one. After he had his two circles ready, he said to Epistemon : —
" Go into the ship and wait until I call out. Then you will turn the capstan as strong and as quickly as you can, drawing up, of course, both these ropes as you turn."
Panurge had also a word of warning for Eusthenes and Carpalim : —
"Wait here, my lads, until the enemy come near, then make signs that you surrender. But take care not to get your legs inside of these ropes. All you will have to do is, while appearing to yield yourselves, to get as far away from those fellows as you can."
Then Panurge, all in a hurry, rushed into the vessel once more, and caught up a bundle of straw and a small barrel of gunpowder, the contents of which he scattered along inside and outside of the two circles of ropes. Holding in his hand a bit of lighted paper, and putting on his most innocent face, he was ready for the men on horseback, who just then came thundering down. The first rank came nearly as far as the ship, but, because the sand was yielding, forty-four men and as many horses were brought tumbling to the ground. Seeing the first line fall, and believing that their comrades had met some resistance, the others were about to rush to the rescue ; but just here was heard the mild voice of Panurge : —
"Gentlemen, you will pardon me, if I say it is not we who have stretched your noble companions there, but the sea-water, which makes the sand slippery. We surrender at your good pleasure."
Eusthenes, and Carpalim, and Epistemon, who was on deck, said the same thing.
But, even while he was talking, the cunning Panurge had been sliding off and, when he saw that all the horsemen were drawn well within the circles, and that his two friends had got to a safe distance, making way for the cavalry who were pressing forward to see the ship, shouted out suddenly to Epistemon : —
" Turn ! turn ! "
Hearing these words, Epistemon began to turn for his life, and the two ropes twisted themselves around the legs of the horses in such a fashion that, in falling, they brought their riders down with them. Those in the rear, seeing the trick, drew their swords to cut the ropes, and so escape ; but Panurge was quite ready for them. It was when they did so that he fired his powder-train, which burned up every one of the company, men and horses, except one. He only escaped the flames because he was mounted on a Turkish horse of great swiftness, which bore him off with his light hoofs. But when Carpalim saw this he said to himself: "Here, now, is a chance to show that /am of the lineage of Camilla ! " and ran after him with such sp
eed that he caught up with the Turkish steed within less than a hundred steps, and, leaping on his croup, hugged the rider from behind and brought him a prisoner to the ship.
Pantagruel was, of course, in a most jovial mood, and praised to the; skies the cunning of his friends. Nothing would do but that they should celebrate their victory in eating and drinking, and the prisoner along with them. It was a merry feast on the shore, for all but the poor captive, who was not at all sure that Pantagruel was not going to gobble him up whole, which he might have done — his throat being so large — with as much ease as he would have taken down a sugar-plum. Indeed, the prisoner would not have made any greater show in the Giant's throat than a grain of millet in an ass' mouth.
CHAPTER XXX.
HOW CARPALIM WENT HUNTING FOR FRESH MEAT, AND HOW A TROPHY WAS SET UP.
WHILE they were thus chatting and feasting, Carpalim suddenly cried out: "Are we never to have any fresh meat ? His Highness makes us thirsty enough, but this salt meat quite finishes me. Wait a moment! I am going to fetch you here the thigh of one of those horses which are burning over yonder. No fear of their not being roasted enough ! " As he was springing up to do this, his quick eye caught sight, just at the edge of the wood, of a large stag, which had come out of the forest, attracted doubtless by Panurge's big bonfire. Carpalim ran towards the stag with such fleetness that he seemed to have been shot from a cross-bow, and caught up with him in a moment. Even while he was bounding along, he was holding his hands up in the air, with all his fingers spread open, and, in that way, he caught four great bustards, seven bitterns, twenty-six gray partridges, sixteen pheasants, nine snipes, nineteen herons, thirty-two red-legged partridges ; and he killed moreover with his feet, by kicking here and there, ten or twelve hares or rabbits that chanced to start up in his path and hadn't time to get away ; fifteen tender young boars, and three large foxes. First killing the stag by striking him on the head with his sword, he picked him up and, while joyously returning along the road, gathered together his hares, rabbits, boars, and foxes. And from as far as could be heard, he began to cry out: — " Panurtre !
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