by Thomas Hardy
Sue’s eyes darted a spark. “You needn’t throw that in my face!” she cried.
“Very well — though I half-feel as if I should like to have him with me! … But Lord, I don’t want to take him from ‘ee — ever I should sin to speak so profane — though I should think you must have enough of your own! He’s in very good hands, that I know; and I am not the woman to find fault with what the Lord has ordained. I’ve reached a more resigned frame of mind.”
“Indeed! I wish I had been able to do so.”
“You should try,” replied the widow, from the serene heights of a soul conscious not only of spiritual but of social superiority. “I make no boast of my awakening, but I’m not what I was. After Cartlett’s death I was passing the chapel in the street next ours, and went into it for shelter from a shower of rain. I felt a need of some sort of support under my loss, and, as ‘twas righter than gin, I took to going there regular, and found it a great comfort. But I’ve left London now, you know, and at present I am living at Alfredston, with my friend Anny, to be near my own old country. I’m not come here to the fair to-day. There’s to be the foundation-stone of a new chapel laid this afternoon by a popular London preacher, and I drove over with Anny. Now I must go back to meet her.”
Then Arabella wished Sue good-bye, and went on.
CHAPTER VIII
In the afternoon Sue and the other people bustling about Kennetbridge fair could hear singing inside the placarded hoarding farther down the street. Those who peeped through the opening saw a crowd of persons in broadcloth, with hymn-books in their hands, standing round the excavations for the new chapel-walls. Arabella Cartlett and her weeds stood among them. She had a clear, powerful voice, which could be distinctly heard with the rest, rising and falling to the tune, her inflated bosom being also seen doing likewise.
It was two hours later on the same day that Anny and Mrs. Cartlett, having had tea at the Temperance Hotel, started on their return journey across the high and open country which stretches between Kennetbridge and Alfredston. Arabella was in a thoughtful mood; but her thoughts were not of the new chapel, as Anny at first surmised.
“No — it is something else,” at last said Arabella sullenly. “I came here to-day never thinking of anybody but poor Cartlett, or of anything but spreading the Gospel by means of this new tabernacle they’ve begun this afternoon. But something has happened to turn my mind another way quite. Anny, I’ve heard of un again, and I’ve seen her!”
“Who?”
“I’ve heard of Jude, and I’ve seen his wife. And ever since, do what I will, and though I sung the hymns wi’ all my strength, I have not been able to help thinking about ‘n; which I’ve no right to do as a chapel member.”
“Can’t ye fix your mind upon what was said by the London preacher to-day, and try to get rid of your wandering fancies that way?”
“I do. But my wicked heart will ramble off in spite of myself!”
“Well — I know what it is to have a wanton mind o’ my own, too! If you on’y knew what I do dream sometimes o’ nights quite against my wishes, you’d say I had my struggles!” (Anny, too, had grown rather serious of late, her lover having jilted her.)
“What shall I do about it?” urged Arabella morbidly.
“You could take a lock of your late-lost husband’s hair, and have it made into a mourning brooch, and look at it every hour of the day.”
“I haven’t a morsel! — and if I had ‘twould be no good… After all that’s said about the comforts of this religion, I wish I had Jude back again!”
“You must fight valiant against the feeling, since he’s another’s. And I’ve heard that another good thing for it, when it afflicts volupshious widows, is to go to your husband’s grave in the dusk of evening, and stand a long while a-bowed down.”
“Pooh! I know as well as you what I should do; only I don’t do it!”
They drove in silence along the straight road till they were within the horizon of Marygreen, which lay not far to the left of their route. They came to the junction of the highway and the cross-lane leading to that village, whose church-tower could be seen athwart the hollow. When they got yet farther on, and were passing the lonely house in which Arabella and Jude had lived during the first months of their marriage, and where the pig-killing had taken place, she could control herself no longer.
“He’s more mine than hers!” she burst out. “What right has she to him, I should like to know! I’d take him from her if I could!”
“Fie, Abby! And your husband only six weeks gone! Pray against it!”
“Be damned if I do! Feelings are feelings! I won’t be a creeping hypocrite any longer — so there!”
Arabella had hastily drawn from her pocket a bundle of tracts which she had brought with her to distribute at the fair, and of which she had given away several. As she spoke she flung the whole remainder of the packet into the hedge. “I’ve tried that sort o’ physic and have failed wi’ it. I must be as I was born!”
“Hush! You be excited, dear! Now you come along home quiet, and have a cup of tea, and don’t let us talk about un no more. We won’t come out this road again, as it leads to where he is, because it inflames ‘ee so. You’ll be all right again soon.”
Arabella did calm herself down by degrees; and they crossed the ridge-way. When they began to descend the long, straight hill, they saw plodding along in front of them an elderly man of spare stature and thoughtful gait. In his hand he carried a basket; and there was a touch of slovenliness in his attire, together with that indefinable something in his whole appearance which suggested one who was his own housekeeper, purveyor, confidant, and friend, through possessing nobody else at all in the world to act in those capacities for him. The remainder of the journey was down-hill, and guessing him to be going to Alfredston they offered him a lift, which he accepted.
Arabella looked at him, and looked again, till at length she spoke. “If I don’t mistake I am talking to Mr. Phillotson?”
The wayfarer faced round and regarded her in turn. “Yes; my name is Phillotson,” he said. “But I don’t recognize you, ma’am.”
“I remember you well enough when you used to be schoolmaster out at Marygreen, and I one of your scholars. I used to walk up there from Cresscombe every day, because we had only a mistress down at our place, and you taught better. But you wouldn’t remember me as I should you? — Arabella Donn.”
He shook his head. “No,” he said politely, “I don’t recall the name. And I should hardly recognize in your present portly self the slim school child no doubt you were then.”
“Well, I always had plenty of flesh on my bones. However, I am staying down here with some friends at present. You know, I suppose, who I married?”
“No.”
“Jude Fawley — also a scholar of yours — at least a night scholar — for some little time I think? And known to you afterwards, if I am not mistaken.”
“Dear me, dear me,” said Phillotson, starting out of his stiffness. “You Fawley’s wife? To be sure — he had a wife! And he — I understood — ”
“Divorced her — as you did yours — perhaps for better reasons.”
“Indeed?”
“Well — he med have been right in doing it — right for both; for I soon married again, and all went pretty straight till my husband died lately. But you — you were decidedly wrong!”
“No,” said Phillotson, with sudden testiness. “I would rather not talk of this, but — I am convinced I did only what was right, and just, and moral. I have suffered for my act and opinions, but I hold to them; though her loss was a loss to me in more ways than one!”
“You lost your school and good income through her, did you not?”
“I don’t care to talk of it. I have recently come back here — to Marygreen. I mean.”
“You are keeping the school there again, just as formerly?”
The pressure of a sadness that would out unsealed him. “I am there,” he replied. “Just as for
merly, no. Merely on sufferance. It was a last resource — a small thing to return to after my move upwards, and my long indulged hopes — a returning to zero, with all its humiliations. But it is a refuge. I like the seclusion of the place, and the vicar having known me before my so-called eccentric conduct towards my wife had ruined my reputation as a schoolmaster, he accepted my services when all other schools were closed against me. However, although I take fifty pounds a year here after taking above two hundred elsewhere, I prefer it to running the risk of having my old domestic experiences raked up against me, as I should do if I tried to make a move.”
“Right you are. A contented mind is a continual feast. She has done no better.”
“She is not doing well, you mean?”
“I met her by accident at Kennetbridge this very day, and she is anything but thriving. Her husband is ill, and she anxious. You made a fool of a mistake about her, I tell ‘ee again, and the harm you did yourself by dirting your own nest serves you right, excusing the liberty.”
“How?”
“She was innocent.”
“But nonsense! They did not even defend the case!”
“That was because they didn’t care to. She was quite innocent of what obtained you your freedom, at the time you obtained it. I saw her just afterwards, and proved it to myself completely by talking to her.”
Phillotson grasped the edge of the spring-cart, and appeared to be much stressed and worried by the information. “Still — she wanted to go,” he said.
“Yes. But you shouldn’t have let her. That’s the only way with these fanciful women that chaw high — innocent or guilty. She’d have come round in time. We all do! Custom does it! It’s all the same in the end! However, I think she’s fond of her man still — whatever he med be of her. You were too quick about her. I shouldn’t have let her go! I should have kept her chained on — her spirit for kicking would have been broke soon enough! There’s nothing like bondage and a stone-deaf taskmaster for taming us women. Besides, you’ve got the laws on your side. Moses knew. Don’t you call to mind what he says?”
“Not for the moment, ma’am, I regret to say.”
“Call yourself a schoolmaster! I used to think o’t when they read it in church, and I was carrying on a bit. ‘Then shall the man be guiltless; but the woman shall bear her iniquity.’ Damn rough on us women; but we must grin and put up wi’ it! Haw haw! Well; she’s got her deserts now.”
“Yes,” said Phillotson, with biting sadness. “Cruelty is the law pervading all nature and society; and we can’t get out of it if we would!”
“Well — don’t you forget to try it next time, old man.”
“I cannot answer you, madam. I have never known much of womankind.”
They had now reached the low levels bordering Alfredston, and passing through the outskirts approached a mill, to which Phillotson said his errand led him; whereupon they drew up, and he alighted, bidding them good-night in a preoccupied mood.
In the meantime Sue, though remarkably successful in her cake-selling experiment at Kennetbridge fair, had lost the temporary brightness which had begun to sit upon her sadness on account of that success. When all her “Christminster” cakes had been disposed of she took upon her arm the empty basket, and the cloth which had covered the standing she had hired, and giving the other things to the boy left the street with him. They followed a lane to a distance of half a mile, till they met an old woman carrying a child in short clothes, and leading a toddler in the other hand.
Sue kissed the children, and said, “How is he now?”
“Still better!” returned Mrs. Edlin cheerfully. “Before you are upstairs again your husband will be well enough — don’t ‘ee trouble.”
They turned, and came to some old, dun-tiled cottages with gardens and fruit-trees. Into one of these they entered by lifting the latch without knocking, and were at once in the general living-room. Here they greeted Jude, who was sitting in an arm-chair, the increased delicacy of his normally delicate features, and the childishly expectant look in his eyes, being alone sufficient to show that he had been passing through a severe illness.
“What — you have sold them all?” he said, a gleam of interest lighting up his face.
“Yes. Arcades, gables, east windows and all.” She told him the pecuniary results, and then hesitated. At last, when they were left alone, she informed him of the unexpected meeting with Arabella, and the latter’s widowhood.
Jude was discomposed. “What — is she living here?” he said.
“No; at Alfredston,” said Sue.
Jude’s countenance remained clouded. “I thought I had better tell you?” she continued, kissing him anxiously.
“Yes… Dear me! Arabella not in the depths of London, but down here! It is only a little over a dozen miles across the country to Alfredston. What is she doing there?”
She told him all she knew. “She has taken to chapel-going,” Sue added; “and talks accordingly.”
“Well,” said Jude, “perhaps it is for the best that we have almost decided to move on. I feel much better to-day, and shall be well enough to leave in a week or two. Then Mrs. Edlin can go home again — dear faithful old soul — the only friend we have in the world!”
“Where do you think to go to?” Sue asked, a troublousness in her tones.
Then Jude confessed what was in his mind. He said it would surprise her, perhaps, after his having resolutely avoided all the old places for so long. But one thing and another had made him think a great deal of Christminster lately, and, if she didn’t mind, he would like to go back there. Why should they care if they were known? It was oversensitive of them to mind so much. They could go on selling cakes there, for that matter, if he couldn’t work. He had no sense of shame at mere poverty; and perhaps he would be as strong as ever soon, and able to set up stone-cutting for himself there.
“Why should you care so much for Christminster?” she said pensively. “Christminster cares nothing for you, poor dear!”
“Well, I do, I can’t help it. I love the place — although I know how it hates all men like me — the so-called self-taught — how it scorns our laboured acquisitions, when it should be the first to respect them; how it sneers at our false quantities and mispronunciations, when it should say, I see you want help, my poor friend! … Nevertheless, it is the centre of the universe to me, because of my early dream: and nothing can alter it. Perhaps it will soon wake up, and be generous. I pray so! … I should like to go back to live there — perhaps to die there! In two or three weeks I might, I think. It will then be June, and I should like to be there by a particular day.”
His hope that he was recovering proved so far well grounded that in three weeks they had arrived in the city of many memories; were actually treading its pavements, receiving the reflection of the sunshine from its wasting walls.
PART SIXTH: AT CHRISTMINSTER AGAIN
“… And she humbled her body greatly, and all the places of her joy she filled with her torn hair.” — Esther (Apoc.).
“There are two who decline, a woman and I,
And enjoy our death in the darkness here.”
— R. Browning.
CHAPTER I
On their arrival the station was lively with straw-hatted young men, welcoming young girls who bore a remarkable family likeness to their welcomers, and who were dressed up in the brightest and lightest of raiment.
“The place seems gay,” said Sue. “Why — it is Remembrance Day! — Jude — how sly of you — you came to-day on purpose!”
“Yes,” said Jude quietly, as he took charge of the small child, and told Arabella’s boy to keep close to them, Sue attending to their own eldest. “I thought we might as well come to-day as on any other.”
“But I am afraid it will depress you!” she said, looking anxiously at him up and down.
“Oh, I mustn’t let it interfere with our business; and we have a good deal to do before we shall be settled here. The first thing is lodgings.”
Having left their luggage and his tools at the station they proceeded on foot up the familiar street, the holiday people all drifting in the same direction. Reaching the Fourways they were about to turn off to where accommodation was likely to be found when, looking at the clock and the hurrying crowd, Jude said: “Let us go and see the procession, and never mind the lodgings just now? We can get them afterwards.”
“Oughtn’t we to get a house over our heads first?” she asked.
But his soul seemed full of the anniversary, and together they went down Chief Street, their smallest child in Jude’s arms, Sue leading her little girl, and Arabella’s boy walking thoughtfully and silently beside them. Crowds of pretty sisters in airy costumes, and meekly ignorant parents who had known no college in their youth, were under convoy in the same direction by brothers and sons bearing the opinion written large on them that no properly qualified human beings had lived on earth till they came to grace it here and now.
“My failure is reflected on me by every one of those young fellows,” said Jude. “A lesson on presumption is awaiting me to-day! — Humiliation Day for me! … If you, my dear darling, hadn’t come to my rescue, I should have gone to the dogs with despair!”
She saw from his face that he was getting into one of his tempestuous, self-harrowing moods. “It would have been better if we had gone at once about our own affairs, dear,” she answered. “I am sure this sight will awaken old sorrows in you, and do no good!”
“Well — we are near; we will see it now,” said he.
They turned in on the left by the church with the Italian porch, whose helical columns were heavily draped with creepers, and pursued the lane till there arose on Jude’s sight the circular theatre with that well-known lantern above it, which stood in his mind as the sad symbol of his abandoned hopes, for it was from that outlook that he had finally surveyed the City of Colleges on the afternoon of his great meditation, which convinced him at last of the futility of his attempt to be a son of the university.
