Kevin stood up, jumping on the bed. “Villain-Con! Orlando! La big boss!”
Chapter Two
The next morning, Kevin, Stuart, and Bob stood at the side of the road. A bus drove past, spitting exhaust onto them. Kevin wiped the grime from his face.
They’d been waiting there for almost an hour, hoping they could get a ride to Orlando, wherever that was. Kevin stared at a man with a long beard and ripped jeans who was standing across the street. He stuck his thumb out, and a van stopped and picked him up. “Oh yeah, far-out, brother,” he said as he climbed in.
Kevin picked up a piece of cardboard and wrote ORLANDO on it in sloppy letters. Then he stuck his thumb out the same way the hippie had. It wasn’t long before a station wagon came barreling down the road, speeding toward Kevin. It screeched to a stop inches from hitting him. The door opened, the dust parting to reveal an intimidating-looking couple in the front seat.
The man was wearing sunglasses and black gloves. The woman had a round face and a large head of golden curls, except for her perfectly cut bangs. She carved an apple with a knife. “Oh, Walter, look…,” she said in a surprisingly happy voice. “These adorable little freaks are headed to Orlando, too.”
“Yeah, I see that, Madge,” Walter, the father, said. “Walter Jr.!”
Walter Jr. was the boy in the backseat. He rolled down his window. He stared at the Minions, his eyes small and beady. “What’s happenin’?” he asked. He was so huge he took up half the car.
“Tina!” the father yelled.
Beside him, an excitable tween girl named Tina waved hello. She pushed the door open.
“All aboard the Nelson Express!” Walter bellowed. The Minions climbed in, with Kevin and Stuart in the backseat and Bob sitting in the front. Stuart was so close to Walter Jr. he could smell his armpits.
“Glad we came along before some weirdos picked you up!” Madge said. “Who wants apple slices?”
“Ooooh! Ooooooh! Bapple!” Bob cried.
Bob took one. Stuart offered his apple slice to Walter Jr. Walter Jr. stuck it in his mouth and swallowed it with one bite. Then he grabbed Stuart and gave him a noogie. “Thanks, man!” he said.
They hadn’t been driving for more than an hour when Walter pulled the car over.
“Who needs to stretch their legs?” he asked.
Walter grabbed a ski mask from the glove compartment and pulled a gun out of the back of his pants. Tina and Walter Jr. pulled on their own ski masks. Even the family cat and Binky, the baby, put on ski masks.
“You guys wait here,” Madge said. “We’ll be right back.”
The Minions turned, noticing the car was parked right outside a bank. All four of the Nelsons darted inside. An alarm sounded. There were screams and yells, and soon the Nelsons were running out with bags filled with cash. Dollar bills flew every which way behind them.
Tina and Walter Jr. squeezed into the backseat. Madge slammed the door shut behind her, nearly sitting on the cat. Walter climbed into the front seat and hit the gas, sending the car speeding down the street. “Okeydoke!” he yelled, pulling off his ski mask with one hand. “On the road again.”
But just then, the Minions heard something strange—a far-off sound in the distance. They climbed up onto Walter Jr.’s shoulders, peering out the back windshield at the road behind them. Three cop cars had just rounded the corner. Their lights were flashing. Their sirens grew louder as they caught up with the Nelsons’ car.
“Dad, we’ve got company!” Tina cried. “It’s because I tripped the alarm. I stink!”
“Hey, we all make mistakes, sugarplum. You’re still learning,” Walter said, picking up speed. He pulled a brightly colored paint blaster out from under the front seat. Then he turned and leaned out the window, firing paintballs at the cop cars behind them. He covered two of their windshields with thick pink and orange paint. The cars screeched and skidded, nearly flipping over.
Meanwhile, Madge helped him reload from the passenger seat and gave Tina a pep talk. “Your father’s right. He wasn’t this good at being evil overnight. Your time is coming!”
Only one car managed to keep up. The cop was going so fast he pulled right beside the station wagon. He glared at them through his passenger window.
“Pull over—now!” the cop yelled.
Walter fired again, but the paintball gun jammed. The police car slowed, then rammed into the back of the station wagon, knocking it off course. The Nelsons’ car spun around, everyone flying to one side of it. When Walter finally straightened it out, he smiled. “Quick getaway, coming right up!” he yelled.
The criminal father shifted the car into reverse. The station wagon went screeching down the street backward, speeding away from the police officer. Kevin grabbed a tiny pistol. Stuart grabbed a huge missile launcher, which Kevin immediately tried to take for himself. As they fought over the weapons, Kevin kept grabbing at Stuart’s launcher. Stuart accidentally fired the launcher at a telephone pole. The pole fell over, blocking the police car’s path.
Within a few minutes, they’d completely lost them. “That was great!” Walter cried as he checked the rearview mirror one last time to make sure the coast was clear.
Madge glanced at the tiny Minions sitting between her kids. “Say, fellas… can we get personal for a second? Why are you headed to Orlando?”
The Minions were quiet. The man on the Villain Network Channel had been clear: The first rule of Villain-Con was to not talk about Villain-Con. They weren’t supposed to tell anyone they were going there.
“Come on, you can tell us,” Walter said. “You’re going to Villain-Con, aren’t you?”
Stuart smiled sheepishly. Was it that obvious?
“Villain-Con!” Bob sang out, unable to keep the secret any longer.
Walter smacked his hand on the steering wheel and laughed. “I knew it! I knew you were villains, didn’t I, honey? What a small world! Hope we’re not in rival gangs!”
Tina pulled a magazine out of the pocket in the seat in front of her. She flipped through the pages, showing it to Kevin. “When we get to Orlando, I’m gonna get all my favorite villains to sign my magazine. Dumo the Sumo, Frankie Fish-Lips, and, ohhhhh, my favorite—”
Kevin leaned in as Tina opened the centerfold. There was Scarlet Overkill, a stunning woman wearing all red. She held a crossbow as she stood on a pile of other villains. Kevin wiped his goggles. She had one of the meanest expressions he’d ever seen, her eyes narrowed as if she were shooting laser beams out of them.
“Scarlet Overkill, the coolest super villain, like, EVER!” Tina went on. “She started out as your average little girl—braces, pigtails. But by the time she was thirteen, she’d built a criminal empire. She’s proof that you can commit any crime as long as you believe in yourself.”
Kevin leaned down, his goggles just inches from the page. He’d never seen a more magnificent villain in all his life. She was better than the T. rex, better than any pharaoh or warrior that had come before her. He knew it then—he was certain.
“Scarlet le big boss!” he cried.
Chapter Three
Kevin and Bob had all fallen asleep. Stuart was wedged between Tina and giant Walter Jr., his face squashed into Walter Jr.’s armpit desperately trying to avoid a swinging tendril of spit dripping from Walter Jr.’s mouth. They hardly noticed when Tina sat up. She rolled down the window and pointed outside.
“We’re here!” she yelled. The Nelson station wagon passed through desolate swamplands filled with alligators. There was nothing around for miles except a billboard that read, in big letters, ORLANDO! COMING SOON!
Walter drove the station wagon over the bumpy road until they finally stopped at a little wooden shack. Painted above the door were the words BAIT SHOP. Walter pulled the wagon up to a tiny microphone stand beside a sign that listed all the different kinds of bait. There were tiny critters and fish. MEALWORMS! $2 PER POUND! was written in sloppy handwriting.
“Welcome to Billy Bob’s Bait Shop,” a creepy voic
e said through the speaker. “How can I help you?”
Walter leaned out the window. “Hi, we’re here for, uh… so much fun, it’s a crime.”
A bell on the speaker box rang. Without warning, the shack split open right in front of them. A giant metal tube snaked out of the ground and slammed over the station wagon, locking them inside. Then the tube lifted up again. It pulled the station wagon down into the ground, the shack closing shut around it.
Seconds later, the wagon landed hard on a metal platform. The Minions looked out the windows, realizing they were on a long conveyor belt moving into the underground convention hall. Bob jumped up and down. Kevin clapped his hands together.
“Villain-Con!” Stuart cried with excitement. “La Villain-Con!”
The conveyor belt let them off in a parking lot, where the station wagon came to a stop. They started walking toward the hall in a sea of villains of all shapes and sizes.
“Here we go! This is it!” Walter said, looking down at the three Minions. “I want to tell you, and I really—I really mean this—I really appreciate what you did back there with the cops. Really.”
“Dad! It’s Frankie Fish-Lips!” Tina said, shaking him. “I can smell him from here!”
Walter perked up. “Junior, get my camera!” he said excitedly. They ran toward the convention entrance.
“Good luck in there, boys,” Madge said. “I hope you find what you’re looking for!”
And within seconds the Nelsons were gone.
Stuart looked up at the convention center entrance. A banner above the doors read WELCOME TO VILLAIN-CON. “Yupaki mala Villain-Con!” Stuart yelled.
“Yeah!” Kevin and Bob cheered. “Villain-Con!”
They ran toward the main doors. When they got inside, there were villains everywhere they turned. Furry monsters roamed in packs. A thin evil scientist wandered past, a black cat in his arms. Tables displayed every kind of weapon the Minions could imagine—futuristic stun guns, metal crossbows, freeze guns, and poisonous darts.
Kevin, Stuart, and Bob kept going, taking in all the sights. A henchmen specialist was interviewing a fire-breathing lizard, trying to find him the right boss. Two mob bosses discussed their latest plot over drinks at the Parole Room Bar. Then, off in the distance, Kevin finally spotted her. A towering golden statue with the likeness of a beautiful and evil woman stood in the middle of the floor. It was Scarlet Overkill, their next potential Big Boss.
“Scarlet! Scarlet Popapeil!” Kevin yelled. He dragged Stuart and Bob behind him toward the hall where Scarlet was scheduled to appear. As the trio rushed through the convention, they noticed all the different booths that filled the floor. There was a booth for cracking safes. There was one for Freeze Rays. There was one for poisons and another for rockets. There was even a Professor Flux booth with several scientists that looked exactly the same. But the Minions didn’t have time to stop and explore. They were in a hurry.
“Villain-Con presents our keynote speaker,” a voice announced, “Scarlet Overkill: the world’s first female super villain!” The announcer went on, urging everyone farther into the convention hall where Scarlet was speaking in just a few minutes.
“Stuart! Bob!” Kevin yelled, pulling them through the crowd. “Ma puta la Scarlet Popapiel! Komay! Komay!”
When they got to the main hall, it looked like a giant rock concert was about to start. All the villains were crammed together, shoulder to shoulder, waiting for Scarlet to appear. Kevin, Stuart, and Bob stood on one another’s shoulders, trying to get as good a view as possible.
This was the moment they’d been waiting for. All those days climbing snowy mountains and trekking through the thick grass to the beach… all those hours they spent trapped inside the Nelsons’ car, breathing in Walter Jr.’s farts… this was what it was for. They were finally here: Villain-Con.
And they were about to meet their new master.
A silhouette of a woman appeared behind a large screen. Her voice sounded throughout the room. “Doesn’t it feel so good to be bad?” Then, with one flourish, she burst through the screen, revealing Scarlet Overkill in all her glory. She was using her jet-pack dress to rocket above the ground. She stared out at the crowd. For just one moment, Kevin felt like she looked directly at him.
Everyone in the hall erupted in cheers. The clapping was so loud it hurt the Minions’ eardrums. They didn’t care, though. Kevin, Stuart, and Bob were in awe. They’d never seen such an amazing sight.
Chapter Four
“Scarlet! Scarlet! Scarlet!” the crowd chanted.
Scarlet landed on the stage as her red jet-dress retracted, folding up into a regular dress. She looked around, completely calm, as if she always had thousands of villains cheering her name. “Oh wow, thank you,” she cooed. “Oh, thank you so much.”
The crowd roared even louder.
Devoted fans were everywhere. Some were cheering; others were screaming, “I love you, Scarlet!” There was even a male fan and his whole family, each of them dressed in red halter dresses so they matched Scarlet’s outfit.
Finally, Scarlet narrowed her eyes at the shouting crowd, “Okay, now shhhhhhh.”
Everyone fell silent.
“When I started out,” she said, “people said a woman could never rob a bank as well as a man. Well, times change. Look at all those faces out there. We are all so different. But we have one thing in common.”
A half-man, half-fish villain named Frankie Fish-Lips raised his webbed hand. “We were born with flippers?” No one responded. He looked around, embarrassed. “No? Just me?”
“No, Frankie Fish-Lips,” Scarlet said, putting her hands on her hips. “What we have in common is that we all have big dreams. And we will do anything to make them come true. Have any of you ever dreamed of working for the greatest super villain of all time? Well, what if I told you that I am looking for new henchmen?”
The Minions felt like they were going to explode. Kevin rubbed his ears, making sure he’d heard her right. Did she just say she needed new henchmen?!
“I truly believe somewhere out there is a villain with the potential to serve greatness. And it could be any of you!” Scarlet went on. “It’s just a matter of proving you’re good enough. You see this little trinket?”
She held out her hand, showing the crowd a sparkling ruby. Everyone oohed and aahed. “Just take it from my hand and you’ve got the job. No big deal. It’s almost too simple.…”
The Minions eagerly moved toward the stage, but hundreds of villains were in front of them, rushing there first.
“That job is mine!” a goon with slicked black hair cried. He climbed up over the edge of the stage, trying to get to Scarlet.
She leveled her eyes at the villain. “Oh, you’ve got something right…,” she said, pointing to one of his nostrils. “There!”
She pulled her fist back, then pummeled him in the nose. The goon went flying backward off the stage, his arms spinning in circles as he tried to keep his balance. He hit the floor with a horrible thud.
That didn’t stop other villains from coming forward, trying to get the gem from Scarlet. A lumbering oaf with buckteeth lunged at her, but she spun around and kicked him in the side of the head, knocking him out cold. A man with a black cape and mask tried to rush the stage from behind. Scarlet saw him just seconds before he got to her. She turned and landed her elbow into his jaw.
“Oh, look at you!” she yelled, kicking another villain in the face.
Wham! She jumped in the air and hit a woman dressed as a spider in the ribs. “Love the costume!” She laughed.
Kevin looked at the pile of bodies on the edge of the stage, terrified. They came here to find the biggest, baddest boss they could, but they wanted to leave with their arms and legs intact. He grabbed Stuart and Bob, pulling them back into the crowd and toward the door.
They tried to move between the rest of the villains’ legs, but the crowd kept pushing them forward. Hundreds of villains were still trying to get the gem f
rom Scarlet, even as she fought them off, sending them flying into walls.
Bob stumbled, and Tim, his teddy bear, slipped from his hands. The worn bear was kicked across the stage by another villain. Bob darted around, trying to get him back.
“Who’s next?” Scarlet yelled. She glanced around, waiting for someone else to come at her. “Is no one good enough?”
A villain with a huge sword charged her. She jumped back, kicking the blade out of his hand with both her heels. The sword fell on the stage with a clack! and she grabbed it, flinging it into the face of a villain wearing a kilt.
Three more villains came at her, and three more villains were thrown off the stage. At a certain point, the ruby slipped from her hands. Kevin and Stuart could see it thrown high, then disappear somewhere behind Scarlet as she pummeled a woman who tried to breathe fire at her. Bob was lost in the pile of bodies. He was still climbing over the wounded, looking for his teddy bear, Tim.
When Scarlet had fought off the last of the villains, she looked around. Half the auditorium was empty now. A bunch of bad guys were sitting on the ground, still dazed from her punches.
“Ugh!” she yelled. “Didn’t my speech inspire anyone to rise up and prove themselves worthy? All these villains and yet I still have the—”
Scarlet looked down at her hand, realizing for the first time that she didn’t have the ruby anymore. Instead she was holding Bob’s teddy bear. In the scuffle, she’d somehow grabbed it.
“Why do I have this bear?!” she yelled. “Wait! Who has the ruby?”
Bob sat on the edge of the stage and coughed, spitting the ruby onto the floor in front of her.
Scarlet rubbed her eyes, as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She looked from Bob to Kevin to Stuart. “Whoa… who are you, my knights in shining denim?”
Kevin climbed onto the stage. “Me le Kevin, la c’est Stuart”—he pointed to Stuart, then Bob—“et la le Bob.”
Minions Page 2
