A Beginner's Guide To Saying I Do: A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘Strippers?’ Erin asked. Her mouth watered at the thought of a room full of hot, sweaty men with rippling abs and bulging G-strings. Now this – finally – was an activity Erin could get on board with.

  Thirty-Six

  Ruth

  ‘Good evening, ladies!’ Nell bounced into the church hall, her high ponytail swinging to the beat of her jovial mood as she passed the rows of yoga mats. ‘I hope Greg has been taking good care of you while I’ve been away.’

  ‘He’s been a treasure,’ Mary said from beside me. ‘Although we’re glad to see you up and about again. How are you feeling?’ Mary patted her own slightly rounded tummy, as though reminding Nell of her pregnancy.

  ‘I’m pleased to let you know that all signs of morning sickness have vanished,’ Nell said. I tried to picture this goddess of a woman with her head stuck down the toilet but the image was not forthcoming. ‘I’m feeling positively radiant! In fact, I wouldn’t know I was pregnant if my boobs hadn’t ballooned to double their size and I wasn’t craving a McDonald’s strawberry milkshake.’ She certainly didn’t look pregnant. There wasn’t a hint of a bump on her lithe body. ‘But I haven’t stepped foot in a McDonald’s in almost a decade and I’m not about to start now.’

  ‘Wait til she gets piles,’ Mary said quietly out of the side of her mouth. ‘Then she’ll bloody know she’s pregnant.’

  ‘Good evening, ladies.’ Greg lumbered into the hall, two rolled-up mats tucked under his arms and the CD player dangling from his fingers. ‘I bet you’re glad to see Nell’s back to take charge.’

  ‘I don’t know about that,’ Mary said, still speaking to me out of the side of her mouth. ‘I quite like a man to take charge. Don’t you?’

  Nell began the session and although I was trying to concentrate on her instructions, my mind was elsewhere. My first wedding dress fitting was scheduled to take place at the weekend, and I couldn’t help worrying that I’d look like a polka-dotted blimp in it. The last thing I wanted was to have Jared bottling it and legging it up the aisle when he saw me waddling down it towards him.

  ‘Now take a breath in, bring your palms together and rest your thumbs lightly on your sternum.’ We all copied Nell and Greg, bowing our heads slightly as they did. ‘Great session, ladies. We’ll go straight into meditation, so if you get yourself into a comfortable position, we’ll begin.’

  This was the time to really clear my mind and allow my body to relax, but my thoughts were still firmly on the dress. I’d been so excited about the fitting but now I was filled with anxiety and there was no breathing technique that could remedy it.

  ‘Before you all go, I have an announcement to make,’ Mary said as we were packing away our things at the end of the session. ‘At the weekend, Cecil proposed and I said yes!’ Mary held out a wrinkled hand to show off the huge antique rock sitting proudly on her finger. The group gathered to offer their congratulations, gasping and murmuring appreciatively at the enormous sparkler. How the hell had I missed that shining up at me from Mary’s mat?

  ‘Who wants to join me in the pub for a celebratory piss-up?’ Mary asked, and we all rushed to gather our things before trooping out of the church hall and walking en masse to the pub across the road. I scurried after Mary and linked my arm through hers.

  ‘So, when are you planning on getting married, then?’

  I thought I’d asked the question in a casual manner, but Mary saw straight through me and gave my arm a reassuring pat. ‘Don’t you worry, my love. I won’t be beating you down the aisle. I haven’t even met Cecil’s daughters yet. Mind you, we don’t want to leave it too long. We’re both getting on, and the last thing we want is one of us keeling over at the altar.’

  ‘Don’t say that.’ I rested my head against Mary’s grey curls. ‘There’s plenty of life left in you yet.’

  ‘I hope so, love, but I’m not taking any chances. That’s why I live my life to the full, as they say. I want to squeeze every bit of life out of this old dog before it’s too late.’

  ‘I’m sure you and Cecil will have many happy years together.’

  ‘We’ll certainly give it a go, my love.’ Mary released me and charged towards the pub’s door. ‘Come on, folks. First round’s on me!’

  My stomach gurgled with a combination of excitement and anxiety as Jared called out to me and Quinn as we left the flat, instructing us to have fun. Today was my dress fitting and I hadn’t managed to overcome my misgivings despite my yoga and meditation session – and our session in the pub afterwards.

  ‘We will!’ Quinn called over her shoulder. I wish I’d had her confidence. ‘Isn’t this exciting? It’s a shame Erin can’t be here.’

  Erin wouldn’t be coming to the fitting as she was currently at Lindsay’s wedding, trussed up in a tutu and basque. I’d have loved my best friend to be with me, but we were on such a tight deadline that there had been no room for manoeuvre. We were cutting it fine as it was.

  ‘Do you think Erin and Richard will ever get married?’ Quinn asked as we drove towards Hartfield Hill and the dress shop.

  ‘I don’t know.’ I gave a frustrated sigh. ‘They’re perfect for each other, but Erin is a bit weird when it comes to marriage. She doesn’t believe in it.’ I knew Erin and her mum had been through some tough times – Erin didn’t like to talk about her childhood much, but I did know her father had been violent, so I could kind of understand her reluctance to marry.

  ‘I can’t wait to get married.’ Quinn gave her own frustrated sigh. ‘I just need to find someone who wants to marry me.’

  ‘I hope you’re not pinning any hopes on Theo fulfilling that role.’

  Quinn screwed up her nose. ‘Not even a little bit.’

  ‘So you’re not still harbouring feelings for him?’

  ‘I have never harboured feelings for Theo. He’s not my type, especially now I’ve seen how he operates up-close.’

  I shifted in my seat, eyebrows raised. ‘How up-close?’

  ‘Not that up-close.’ Phew. ‘Apparently he hooked up with some girl last weekend and she hasn’t stopped calling since. He gets Billy to answer so he doesn’t have to deal with her.’

  I nodded, not in the least bit surprised. I’d lived with the man for almost three years, after all. ‘He’s a pig.’

  ‘And why would I be interested in a pig?’

  ‘Plenty of women are.’

  ‘But not me.’

  I eyed Quinn as she drove, trying to gauge whether she was protesting too much or just enough. It wasn’t an easy task, and I still hadn’t made my mind up by the time we arrived in Hartfield Hill. Chatting with Quinn had made me forget about my anxieties, but they came rushing back as soon as I stepped inside Libby’s boutique. Even the sight of the stunning dresses on display wasn’t enough to put me at ease. My body was not the size of the mannequins wearing the dresses. Far from it.

  ‘Hello again.’ Libby stepped out of her room at the back, her tape measure again draped over her shoulders. ‘I’ve got your dress ready. Do you want to come through?’

  Libby was lovely as she helped me into the dress, chatting away as she made adjustments with pins. There was a mirror on the wall opposite but I kept my head down, afraid of what would greet me in the glass.

  ‘I won’t be a minute.’ Libby made one final adjustment before she stood back, a smile spreading across her face. ‘Wow. You look amazing. Here, have a proper look.’ Before I could protest, Libby had grasped me by the arm and tugged me closer to the mirror. I didn’t want to look, but it would be rude to refuse. I prepared a few pleasantries in my head as my eyes lifted towards my reflection.

  ‘Oh my flipping God!’ In the mirror, my eyes widened in surprise. I did look amazing! I was looking radiant despite wearing the bare minimum of make-up and my hair being a bit scraggly, so imagine how fabulous I would look with full-on slap and my hair done. ‘You’re a genius! I can’t believe it.’ I turned this way and that, determined to find some sort of flaw, but I looked bloody good fro
m all angles. This was obviously a magical dress, and so worth the huge chunk of our budget it would cost.

  ‘Shall we go and show your friend?’

  Quinn was waiting out in the shop, browsing through a stack of bridal magazines, but they were instantly forgotten as Libby and I stepped out from the back room. She rose from the purple wingback chair with a gasp.

  ‘Oh my God. Look at you!’ Quinn rushed towards me, her eyes scanning me from top to bottom. ‘Give us a twirl.’

  I dutifully twirled, rolling my eyes but secretly loving her reaction.

  ‘Could you take some photos to show Erin? Here, use my phone.’ I passed Quinn my bag.

  ‘Is that okay?’ Quinn asked Libby.

  ‘Of course it is. As long as you don’t show the groom.’

  I posed for the photos, my grin genuine and taking up at least half of my face. This was it. I was really getting married!

  It was such a wrench having to take the dress off, which was a nice change from the negative thoughts that had been plaguing me all week. But it had to come off and I was soon dressed in my regular clothes and saying goodbye to Libby.

  ‘You’ll be back soon.’ Quinn put her arm around me, partly for comfort and partly to guide me out of the shop.

  ‘I know, but it’s such a gorgeous dress. And I’m not being biased because it’s mine.’ I reluctantly stepped out onto the pavement and spotted the restaurant across the square. ‘Do you fancy lunch? My treat?’ My mouth was already salivating at the thought of another slice of the Black Forest cheesecake.

  ‘I’m sorry, I can’t. I have plans.’ Quinn flashed me an apologetic smile. ‘But next time, yeah?’

  ‘Deal.’ We wandered across to Quinn’s car and climbed inside. ‘So what are these plans? Anything exciting?’

  Quinn struggled with her seatbelt for a moment before answering. ‘I’m going shopping with my sister. I told you her baby’s due in a few weeks, didn’t I? Anyway, she’s totally panicking because she hasn’t bought enough vests or something. Apparently she can’t go shopping on her own in case she goes into labour.’

  ‘Baby shopping is so lovely, though, isn’t it?’ Not that I’d know. I’d bought my niece and nephews a few bits and pieces, but I didn’t make a habit of it as it was awkward having bulky things shipped over to New York. I usually transferred money for birthdays and Christmas instead.

  ‘It isn’t with our Orla,’ Quinn said. ‘She’ll have me carrying everything as she’s “with child”. She hasn’t so much as put her own knickers on since she found out she was pregnant.’

  I couldn’t fault the woman. I’d milk it for all it was worth if I was pregnant too.

  ‘I’ll see you tomorrow then,’ I said as Quinn dropped me off at home. ‘Have fun shopping.’

  Quinn pulled a face. ‘I’ll try.’

  I headed up to the flat, updating my wedding plans as soon as I was inside. My plans weren’t quite up to the standard of Trina’s – in fact, it was just my notebook and a few printed lists tucked inside my file – but they were looking healthy.

  ‘Jared?’ I called as I ticked ‘dress fitting’ off my to-do list. ‘Did you pick the suits up?’

  ‘Yes, and I took them over to Gavin’s so they’re ready.’ Jared emerged from the bedroom in his running gear. ‘Can you believe we’re getting married in just two weeks?’

  ‘No, I can’t. Mad, isn’t it?’ I ticked ‘suits’ off the list. ‘Are you going for a run?’

  ‘You don’t mind, do you?’

  I shook my head. It’d give me an hour or so to gaze at the photos Quinn had taken of me in the dress. I’d made her take one from every angle.

  ‘See you soon.’ Jared kissed me on the top of my head before he left. I wandered over to the window to let some air in, and as I did I saw Jared climbing into his car. I assumed he’d left his iPod in there until the engine roared into life and he drove away.

  If he was going for a run, why was he taking the car?

  Dismissing the thought, I rifled through my handbag for my phone, but I couldn’t find it, even after I’d emptied everything onto the sitting room floor. Damn! I must have dropped it in Quinn’s car. I’d definitely had it in there, as I’d had a quick look at the dress photos as we drove back.

  Using the landline, I phoned Quinn to ask about my mobile, and when she answered I could hear Billy and Theo ribbing each other in the background. Baby shopping with her sister, my arse. The little minx! She’d gone round to see Theo after everything she’d said earlier! So much for Theo being a pig.

  ‘I was just about to leave for Orla’s,’ Quinn said when I pointed out her location – and her expanding Pinocchio nose. ‘I only popped over to Billy and Theo’s for a minute. I thought I’d left something behind while we were watching A Beginner’s Guide the other day.’

  ‘What did you leave behind?’ I probed, knowing full well that she was telling great big porkies. She hadn’t left anything behind in that house but her sanity and good sense. But I was interrupted by the flat’s buzzer before Quinn had the chance to answer, and she insisted that we would chat later. She had baby shopping to do, remember?

  Hmm.

  I hung up and wandered over to the intercom, my mood instantly lifting when I heard my cousin’s voice. I buzzed Trina in, but as she skipped into my flat, looking her usual immaculate self, I started to spot all its flaws: the patch of chipped paint on the doorframe where Jared and Theo had bashed it while carrying my dressing table in on moving day, the mass of letters and bills cluttering the mantelpiece, and a mini-collection of mugs on the coffee table. Nothing major – not by my standards, anyway – but Trina didn’t live like this. Her home was luxurious and show room-y, a far cry from my poky little flat.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind me popping round. I was at a loose end and I realised it’s only two weeks until your wedding, so I thought I’d check how you’re getting on.’ Trina plonked herself on the sofa. The old, cracked leather didn’t suit her glamour but she didn’t seem to notice. ‘How are the plans coming along?’

  ‘They’re good.’ I spoke to Trina but my eyes were scanning the room for abandoned bras or knickers. ‘Can I get you a cup of tea or coffee?’

  ‘Coffee would be great, thanks.’ Trina smiled sweetly at me while I prayed we had a pair of mugs that weren’t chipped. And that were clean. The flat had never seemed so cramped and cluttered and I suddenly understood Mum’s frantic cushion-plumping every time she knew Aunt Gloria would be visiting.

  ‘I’m afraid Rory can’t make the wedding,’ Trina said when I returned with the drinks. ‘He has to go away on business again. Only to London this time, but he’ll miss it. Sorry.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it.’ I reached out to give Trina’s hand a reassuring pat because she looked devastated. I snatched my hand away when I noticed my flaky pink nail polish and scraggly cuticles. I hadn’t paid any attention to Trina’s digits, but I was sure they were perfectly presented.

  Trina suddenly burst into tears. I forgot all about my inadequate nails and put my arm around the trembling girl. ‘Hey, don’t worry about it. It’s our own fault, really. We haven’t given people much notice, especially with the invitations only going out last week.’

  ‘It’s not that.’ Trina gave a little sniff and reached into her handbag for a tissue. It seemed so grown-up to have tissues to hand. All I had in my handbag was my purse, a couple of crusty lipsticks and several crumpled-up receipts. ‘It’s Rory. And Aidan. And everything!’ Trina buried her face into her hands as she began to sob in earnest. I rubbed her back and made soothing noises until she’d calmed down enough to speak coherently.

  ‘It’s not been how I expected it at all. Marriage, you know?’ Trina dabbed at her eyes with a fresh tissue. A mound of soggy tissues had formed on the coffee table during the course of her bawl. ‘Rory’s never at home, so I hardly see him. He expects me to sit at home all day looking pretty.’ Trina pulled a face, disgusted at the notion. It seemed like a spiffing idea to me:
no dragging my carcass out of bed on Monday mornings. No dealing with Kelvin and his coffee-and-biscuits addiction. No pretending to work hard.

  ‘And now he says I can’t be friends with Aidan any more.’ At this revelation, Trina broke down once again, and added several more soggy tissues to the collection.

  Thirty-Seven

  Trina

  The mound of sodden tissues grew on the coffee table until Trina’s supply ran out and she was forced to use loo roll instead. Trina took a moment to compose herself as Ruth dashed off to grab a wad from the bathroom. She shouldn’t have come here. It wasn’t fair; Ruth was getting married in a couple of weeks and she didn’t need Trina and tales of her disastrous marriage taking the shine off.

  She should apologise and go before she ruined everything.

  ‘I brought the whole roll.’ Ruth popped the roll next to Trina. ‘Just in case.’

  ‘I’m so sorry about this.’ Trina unwound a hefty chunk of loo roll and blew her nose. ‘It’s just that I don’t really have anybody else to talk to. Mum’s still on her cruise and Tori is – well, Tori.’ Trina and Ruth shared a knowing look. Trina’s sister wasn’t the most sympathetic person on the planet, and wasn’t fond of discussing matters that didn’t revolve around herself. ‘And obviously I can’t talk to Aidan any more, as Rory won’t let me.’

  ‘Trina, sweetheart.’ Ruth took Trina’s hand with a firm grasp. ‘I know Rory is your husband and you love him and all that, but no man can tell you who you can or can’t be friends with. That’s not right. It’s controlling, and we all know where that sort of behaviour ends.’

  Trina shook her head, her wet eyes wide. ‘No, it isn’t like that. Rory isn’t like that. It’s just that Aidan and I have a past. Sort of. Nothing sordid. We haven’t slept together.’ Although Rory still didn’t believe that. ‘We were supposed to go on a date once, before Rory.’