“Aydan,” Kane said urgently.
I didn’t look at him. “Shut up, John.”
It took a long time before Stemp dropped his gaze. “In your place, I’d be forced to take a zero-tolerance approach,” he said. “Very well. I see we understand each other.”
“No,” I snapped. “You don’t understand me at all. You’re a spy. I’m not. In your world, honour is bought and sold and coerced. In mine, it’s not negotiable.”
I blew out a long breath. “So I’m going to do the stupid, honourable thing, and balance my loyalty to the team and the country against the relative seriousness of the breach. I’m doing good work here. I’ll keep doing it, if you promise to honour our agreement going forward.”
“I will,” Stemp said smoothly.
I scowled at him. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. I want you to think for a while about what you’re really promising. And realize you’re getting a second chance only because I believe in my team, and in the work we’re doing.”
I stood up and turned to leave, rubbing my aching forehead. “The sad part is, I know you’ll lie to me about this anyway. But I have to give you the chance. Let me know when you’ve thought it over.”
I was almost out the door when Stemp spoke.
“Wait.”
I turned wearily to face him. “What?”
“You’re right,” he said quietly. “I will lie to you. I will do whatever it takes to manipulate you into doing this work, and I will do whatever it takes to keep our operations secure. No matter who or what gets damaged in the process.” We met each other’s eyes, and for an instant, I saw a tired man fighting a desperate battle.
The mask flicked up again as he continued. “All I can promise is that I’ll keep you informed as long as it doesn’t compromise our operations. And I won’t try to manipulate you with threats.”
“Pretty lousy promises.”
He raised a shoulder, his face impassive. “You wanted the truth. That’s what I can truthfully promise.”
I held his eyes for a few moments, feeling incredibly old. The man had told me the truth. It wasn’t his fault I didn’t like it.
“Thanks for being honest,” I told him finally. “Just remember, if you cause harm to someone I care about in the process of manipulating me, you will pay the price.”
“Understood.” His expression never wavered.
I gave him a nod and left.
Chapter 29
I strode down the hall, wondering what the hell I should do. I could hardly hover indecisively after making my exit. That would definitely spoil the effect.
But Kane had driven us in, so I couldn’t go home. I had thought he’d follow me out of the room, but he hadn’t. Shit.
I let my feet carry me down to the employee lounge, where I brewed myself a cup of tea, stalling. In my office, I plopped into the desk chair and stared blankly at the phone, the only thing on the desk.
Hmmm. Maybe Spider had some news from my snoopy little program. I punched in his extension.
“Hi, Spider, how’s it going?” I asked when he picked up.
“Fine, as far as I can see. Your program is gathering some data, but it’s all encrypted. I’d love to know what’s in it.”
“Me, too. Maybe I’ll just pop down for a few minutes.”
Going into the secured area was the last thing I wanted to do, but hanging around here like an idiot was the second-last. I’d make it quick.
“Aydan...” Spider said hesitantly. “Didn’t Kane ground you yesterday? I thought he said no more network access.”
“Yeah, but I won’t be in for long. You know I usually don’t have a problem unless I’m tired, and I slept pretty well last night.”
“No...” he said uncertainly. “I don’t think I should give you the key. We shouldn’t take a chance.”
“Oh, come on, Spider. Only for a few minutes.”
I couldn’t believe I was begging to do this. But I really, really wanted to see what was in those new files.
Resolve firmed his voice. “No. Sorry. Not until you clear it with Kane.”
I briefly considered bullying him into it, but I didn’t have the heart. Besides, I had a better idea. “Okay. Talk to you later.”
I hung up and headed downstairs. I knew he was as curious as I was about those files. I’d just go and hang around the lab for a while until he weakened.
When I got down to the lobby I started to lose my nerve. My heart pounded while I eyed the heavy steel door. It was the time delay that got me. If I could just go through without being shut into that damn coffin...
I blew out an impatient breath. Suck it up.
I was just bending close for the retinal scan when a large hand closed on my wrist. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Kane hissed.
I managed to smother my cry of shock as I jerked upright. “Jeez, you scared the shit out of me.”
“Come on.” He didn’t exactly drag me to the security wicket, but I was definitely being firmly guided.
We turned in our security fobs, and he steered me out the door. “Walk with me.”
I frowned up at him as we marched down the sidewalk. He looked relaxed. His face was composed, but his eyes were the colour of frosted iron. And he hadn’t let go of my wrist yet. He wasn’t holding me hard. But still...
“You can let go of me now.”
He kept walking. I stopped and tugged. “Hey. I said you can let go now.”
Across the street, I identified Tom’s pickup with a sinking feeling. Perfect timing, as always. Thank God, he didn’t seem to be looking in our direction.
I jerked my arm. “John!” I hissed. “Let go. People are watching.”
He released his grip and spun to face me. “Dammit!” He stared down at me, his cop face unreadable. “Come on.” He turned and strode on.
“Where are we going?” Even with my long legs, I had to pick up the pace to stay beside him.
“Walking.”
Okay. I was still a little stiff and sore, but a brisk walk might help loosen me up. Not that I had a choice. Brisk was the only available option if I wanted to keep up.
We marched along in silence. Asking questions seemed like a bad idea. He’d wanted me to walk with him, so presumably he’d reveal his purpose sooner or later. After another glance at his arctic eyes, I wasn’t in a hurry to find out what it was.
My body rebelled when we reached the park. “I have to stop,” I gasped. “Sorry.” I collapsed onto a park bench.
He sat down beside me wordlessly. I slouched for a few minutes catching my breath before turning to him. “Okay, what’s wrong?”
He crossed his arms over his massive chest and stared into middle distance. Just when I thought he wouldn’t answer at all, he spoke.
“Tell me about this death wish of yours.”
“Say what?”
He jerked around to face me. “What the hell, Aydan?” he demanded. “What the hell was that?”
I clamped down my flinch at his tone. Defensive anger gushed into my veins and I felt my eyes narrow. “What do you mean?” I inquired evenly.
He stared at me for a moment before surging to his feet. He took a couple of steps and stood briefly with his back to me before turning. When he spoke, his face and voice were controlled.
“Why did you push Stemp like that? And why were you going into the secured facility?”
I willed my fists to unclench and kept my voice as flat as his. “Stemp has to know he can’t push me around. And you may recall that I work in the secured facility now.”
“Dammit, Aydan...” He took a deep breath. It didn’t seem to help. His impassive cop face dissolved into frustration. “I’m busting my butt trying to keep you alive, and you just... you just... it’s like you’re deliberately trying to get killed! You just keep pushing the limits. If you want to commit suicide, that’s your business, but tell me now so I don’t...”
He stopped and drew in another deep breath.
&nbs
p; I rocketed to my feet, fists clenched. “So you don’t what? Get caught in the crossfire? I’ve been trying to keep you out of the fucking crossfire! You think I want this? You think I asked for this? I’m just goddamn well trying to stay alive and do the right thing here. You really think I wanted to see all the shit that’s inside my head and will never, ever fucking go away? You really think I wanted to get beaten and tortured and damn near raped and shot and scared out of my fucking mind...”
I stopped to gasp a few furious breaths that sounded embarrassingly like sobs. “...And see good people, people I care about, getting maimed and tortured because of me and... and... be in a prison where I’ll never see the light of day...”
Gulping, I turned and strode away on shaking legs before I lost it completely.
He caught up to me a few yards down the sidewalk. “Aydan.”
I kept walking.
“Aydan, where are you going?”
“Walking.” I stared straight ahead and kept moving.
“Stop.” He caught my wrist gently. “Come back and sit down for a while. Let’s talk.”
I spun to face him with clenched fists, holding onto my anger to keep back the tears. “Let me go. I need to be alone for a while.”
A sense of inevitability filled me when Tom’s pickup pulled over to the curb beside us. “Let go!” I hissed. “Dammit, just leave me alone for a bit.”
Kane made a irritable gesture as he let go of me. “You know I can’t do that right now. You’re under twenty-four hour guard.”
I wasn’t in a sim, but I could feel the bars closing around me. The trembling spread from my hands to the rest of my body.
Trapped.
The urge to run pounded at me. I breathed deeply.
It didn’t help. I was going to run. Or cry. Or explode.
Tom rolled down the passenger window. “Hi, Aydan. John.” He gave Kane a hard look. “Everything okay, Aydan?”
I forced my voice into the best semblance of casual I could manage. “Fine, thanks, Tom.” The quaver wasn’t too noticeable. I took a shallow breath.
Run.
“Hey, Tom, can you give me a ride home?”
“Sure, no problem. Hop in.” He leaned over to unlatch the door.
Kane grabbed my wrist again and leaned close to whisper fiercely. “Aydan, don’t do this. I can’t let you out of my sight. You know that.”
I stood shaking in his grasp. I knew he was right.
Run.
“Aydan?” Tom inquired.
I glanced over at him, trying to control my expression. “Just a minute. Sorry.” I turned back to face Kane.
“Aydan! I’m not kidding,” he growled. “I can’t let you out of my sight. Don’t make me force this.”
Rage flooded me as I jerked my arm out of his grip. “Force it how? What are you going to do, beat me into submission?”
His hands darted out and I flinched in spite of myself, but he only gripped my face between his palms. Looking down into my eyes he spoke softly but clearly. “In two seconds, Rossburn’s going to get out of that truck. He will fight me. He will lose. It will be your fault.”
I heard the click of the door latch and the slam of the door. Kane let go, and I stepped past him to face Tom as he came around the back of the truck.
“Thanks anyway, Tom, but never mind.” The harsh voice didn’t sound anything like me, but I kept talking anyway. “John will give me a ride home.”
An ice-blue gaze raked over Kane, then swung back to me. “Aydan,” Tom said quietly. “Get in the truck. Stay there.”
I took both his callused hands in mine, feeling the tension in him. “No, I can’t. I’m sorry.”
I glanced back at Kane. He stood motionless, calm and utterly lethal. I knew how much power and skill was coiled up in those massive arms and shoulders. I’d seen him take on three men at once with nothing more than his bare hands. And leave three bodies behind.
I turned back to Tom. “Thanks anyway. John and I have a little disagreement over work, and I think I’ll stay so we can work it out.”
“Aydan.” He searched my face. “If you’re afraid of him, just get in the truck now. You don’t have to live like this.”
“I’m not afraid of him.” I tugged gently at his hands until he followed reluctantly, glaring over his shoulder at Kane. I towed him around to the driver’s side.
“Thanks for stopping, Tom, but I don’t want to hold you up any longer.”
“Aydan...”
“Thanks. See you later.” I gave his hands a squeeze before releasing him, and walked away without looking back. I’d gone at least half a block before I heard the truck door close and the engine start.
Chapter 30
Kane wisely trailed me at a distance while I strode back to the park, holding onto composure with every fibre of my being. At the park, I kept my pace to a brisk walk. If I started to run, I’d never stop.
Taking long strides I circled the small park again and again. Kane leaned against a tree near the edge of the park, but I avoided looking at him. If he as much as spoke to me, there was a good chance I’d attack him.
The increasing pain in my tired muscles drove me harder. Trapped. Hurt. No way to get home. No privacy at home, either. My sanctuary invaded by strangers. No way out.
I was panting shallowly, and I forced myself into belly breathing. Stay calm. These were the good guys. The good guys who were trying to protect me. I was outside, not underground. Sunshine. Fresh air. Stay calm.
I circled several more times, slowing as my strength faded and the pain nagged insistently. My hands ached and I reminded myself to unclench my fists.
Finally, I couldn’t do it anymore. I trudged to the far side of the park and sank down on the grass with my back to Kane. I rested my forehead on my knees and panted pain and tension and exhaustion.
The sound of someone approaching behind me made me stiffen.
My back was exposed.
Unable to control the urge, I twisted around to look.
Kane.
I turned away and stared into the distance as he sat down beside me, facing the opposite direction. Watching my back, I realized with grudging appreciation.
We sat in silence. My muscles tightened in expectation, but after several minutes it seemed he intended to wait me out. I rolled my shoulders and laid my head on my knees again, trying to dissipate my agitation before I spoke to him.
Finally, the words burst out of me. “Way to push my buttons!”
I didn’t actually add ‘asshole’ out loud, but I was pretty sure he heard it anyway.
Kane sighed. “I’m sorry. I only had a few seconds and I had to get through to you.”
“Yeah, sorry is real nice. When you pull shit like that, saying sorry afterward is a fucking insult.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“Nothing.” I stared off into the distance. “You were bugging me earlier about showing my emotions. As soon as I do, you use it to attack me.”
“Aydan, I wouldn’t...”
“Yes, you would. You just did. You knew how upset I was over you and Arnie getting tortured because of me. And you used it to manipulate me. Made it my fault that another good person was going to get hurt.”
Kane blew out a breath between his teeth. “Aydan, you pulled Rossburn into it. Like it or not, that makes him your responsibility. My job is to keep you safe. Your feelings have to take a backseat to that.”
He frowned over at me in obvious frustration. “I know how tough you are. I’ve always been able to count on you to do what needs to be done. Why are you suddenly so...” He paused, apparently trying to find the right word.
“Fucked up?” I supplied in a small voice. I buried my face in my hands and rested my forehead on my knees. God, I was so damn tired.
“Aydan...” I felt his hesitant touch on my shoulder. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry.”
I straightened up and turned to face him. “I’m not crying! I’m just tired and pissed off.�
�
The relief on his face was almost comical. “Then talk to me,” he said after a moment. “Why are you fighting me? Why do you keep putting yourself at risk for no reason?”
He looked into my eyes. “A couple of weeks ago, you said Stemp would be doing you a favour if he killed you. In the sim, I’ve seen the kind of images you’re living with. Are you having suicidal thoughts?”
I groaned. “You mean other than right now? Because I’m ready to chew my own wrists open just to avoid this conversation.”
“Aydan, I’m not joking.”
“Okay, fine.” I sighed and scrubbed my hands through my hair, yanking out a couple of tangles. “No, I am not suicidal. I am not deliberately putting myself at risk. It might look like that to you because I’m willing to do whatever it takes to avoid being trapped.”
I met his eyes squarely. “I thought I could get over the claustrophobia if I wanted to enough. I was wrong. Now I’m not just freaking out when I’m underground, I’m freaking out at the slightest hint that somebody is trying to control me. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to fix it, and I can’t. It’s just getting worse.”
I rolled my head carefully from side to side, trying to loosen the locked muscles. No luck.
I sighed again and continued. “Stemp has managed to bury me underground as surely as if he’d gone ahead with his original plan. And it’s having exactly the result I expected. I’ve been down this road before. It starts with the screaming in my sleep. Next the anxiety attacks start. It’s downhill from there. I figure I’ve got another week, tops, and then I’m going to be totally useless to everybody, including myself.”
“So it’s really just the claustrophobia. Being trapped underground is what’s causing all these problems.”
“Yes.”
He blew out a long breath. “Good. Because that’s what I told Stemp this morning. I laid it on the line to him. I told him he was in danger of losing his precious weapon, because you’d nearly died in the sim twice already. And he agreed to let you work upstairs.”
I’m pretty sure I didn’t faint, but I collapsed backward into the grass, hyperventilating. “Oh Jesus. Oh thank God.” I swiped shaking hands over my face, because this time I actually was close to crying. “Oh thank God.”
Reach For the Spy Page 17
