“Yeah. So?”
“Confused about what?”
The wrinkles in Paige’s forehead deepened. “Your sexuality.”
Lennox grimaced. “Bisexuality is a sexuality. Is it not?”
“Not a valid one. No.”
“Oww!”
“Hey. That wasn’t intended to be hurtful,” Paige said.
“But it was.”
“I don’t know why you can’t just decide whether or not you’re gay or straight.”
“Is your mode of thinking that black and white?” Lennox asked.
“I’m going to have to ask you to elaborate.”
“When did you choose to become a lesbian?”
“What the…it wasn’t a choice. I’m—” Recognition coated Paige’s countenance. “Ahh. Tricky tricky.”
“Psht. How the hell is that tricky?”
“You’re trying to skew my perception. Making us out to be alike,” Paige said.
“We are alike. Neither of us chose who we’re sexually attracted to. I didn’t choose to fancy men and women, but I do. I can, however, choose who I date. Granted my options are more extensive than yours. Still, I didn’t decide to be this way. Same as you didn’t decide to be gay. Fathomable?”
“Maybe.”
“Good. We’re making headway then,” Lennox said.
“Maybe.”
“For a wordsmith, you’re not thriving. If you don’t mind, I’m not done dissecting your blog post.”
“Have at it.” Faking indifference, Paige took a drink from the lukewarm beverage she was nursing.
“You wrote that bisexuality is a phase. Why?”
“It’s an elementary deduction. Take you for instance. Someday, you’ll end up with a woman, which would make you a lesbian. Or, you’ll end up with a guy, which would make you straight. So, your bisexual-ness is just a transition into a…um…concrete sexuality,” Paige said.
“Aargh! Do you hear yourself?”
“What?”
“We went over this already. Bisexuality is a ‘concrete sexuality.’ It makes no difference who I’m with. I’ll still be bi. It’s my existence, tantamount to yours as a lesbian,” Lennox said.
“I’m going to stop you there. You have no idea what it’s like to be a lesbian.”
“No, I don’t. Which is why I don’t propagandize bogus claims about lesbianism.”
Paige glared at Lennox. “Fine. You got me. I resign.”
“Well, I rebuff your resignation because there’s more.”
“Oh, goody,” Paige said. “Carry on then.”
Lennox placed her hands on the table, palms flat against the wood. “You state that ‘the majority’ of the bi community is ‘promiscuous.’”
“Yup.”
“Hmm. Did you conduct a census?”
Paige huffed. “No.”
“Uh huh. Sooo, what? Bisexuals are out to fornicate with everyone?” Lennox asked.
“I was primarily talking about the female populace of…your kind.”
Lennox’s eyes darkened. “My kind? Bisexuals are not of another species. You know, I’m trying to be patient here, but you’re officially pissing me off now.”
“Okay. That came out wrong,” Paige said.
“Sure it did. Well, as a testament to how profoundly inaccurate you are, I can honestly say that I don’t want to sleep with you.”
“You’re lying.”
“I am?”
“Yes. The slew of suggestive repartees. And. Aaand. You think I’m cute. You said it yourself.”
“That’s my style of discourse,” Lennox said. “Also, I think a lot of people are cute. That’s how my ‘kind’ rolls. You said it yourself.” She smiled cunningly.
“But I. I…”
“You’re disappointed?”
“Ha! No. I’m relieved.”
“Oh. Fabulous. I’m glad,” Lennox said.
Paige knitted her eyebrows, baffled. “Why are you being like this?”
“What?”
“Gruff.”
“Why? Because you’re exactly like them. You know, you give yourself to someone thinking that they’re taking you for all that you are. But they’re not. When I came out to my ex, he pigeonholed me. Said I was a harlot. Said I wasn’t capable of fidelity. And then…then he told me I was defective. But the best part was when he told my best friend and she was so terrified I’d ‘molest’ her that she shunned me. Just cancelled our friendship. I loved them. But all they saw me as was a sexual mutant and they isolated me.” Lennox’s eyes misted up.
Paige’s frosty stare thawed.
Lennox continued, “Thankfully, I found solace in your blog.”
Paige became nauseated.
“Why am I being gruff?” Lennox asked. “Because everything you’ve written up until the sixth of August has inspired me to be myself, and then in an estimated three thousand words, you crushed me. Because I was under the delusion that somebody else out there, you, was as impassioned about equality as I am, only to have you negate who I am. Wouldn’t you be enraged if I sat here trying to debunk lesbianism? Huh? Wouldn’t you?”
A dull ache stabbed Paige. “I. Uh. Yes,” she sputtered.
“Then how the fuck do you think it makes me feel when you do it to me?” Lennox’s voice was a strained whisper. A tear crawled down her right cheek.
Lennox’s sadness penetrated Paige. Guilt scattered throughout Paige’s insides, weakening her limbs, wrenching her intestines, scorching her lungs.
“Ugh.” Lennox picked a napkin off the table and dabbed her face with it. “I was naïve thinking I could change your perspective on bisexuality. How eighteen years old of me. We can go now. That’s what you want anyway, isn’t it?” She got to her feet and went for the exit. “C’mon.”
Reflexively, Paige leapt from her seat and snatched Lennox’s wrist. Both girls froze, stunned by the touch. Paige looked into Lennox’s golden-brown eyes. “That’s not what I want,” Paige said.
“Then what is?”
“I…” Paige released Lennox and rubbed the back of her neck. “I’m sorry. Genuinely. I’ll delete the post.”
A small smile tugged at Lennox’s mouth. “You will?”
“Yeah. You have my word.”
Chapter Seven
Paige and Lennox walked up to the entrance of Lennox’s dorm room and loitered in front of the door.
“Are you…is everything okay? You were notably quiet the whole ride home,” Paige said.
Lennox put her hands in the pockets of her tan, corduroy coat. She glanced down at a stain on the worn carpet and then at Paige. She bit her bottom lip. “You’re really going to expunge the post?”
“I told you I would so I will.”
“Why though?”
“Because that was part of our arrangement. For me to see you as a person and not merely as a bisexual,” Paige said. “And for you to let my friends know that we’re allies. Right?”
“But do you?”
“What?”
“See me.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Your followers are going to ask you why you erased it. What are you gonna say?” Lennox asked.
“That my horizons have been broadened.”
“Have they?”
“They have.”
“Look at me and tell me what you see.”
“What is the goal of this exercise?” Paige asked.
“Go with it.”
“This is absurd.”
“Please.”
“Ugh. I see a person. A girl,” Paige said.
“Same as you?”
“N—yesss.”
“You’re positive?” Lennox asked.
“Mmm hmm.”
Lennox smiled. “Can I take you out on an authentic date then?”
Paige recoiled at the question. Lennox’s smile dissolved.
“I can’t,” Paige said.
“You can, but you won’t. My sexuality does still plague you.”
; “Hey. I’m retracting my allegations. That speaks for itself, no?”
“So you’re taking this enormous gamble on your blog out of humanitarianism and not because you like me?” Lennox asked.
“I like you enough. As a friend. Can we just be friends?”
“You’re afraid,” Lennox said.
“Of?”
“They’ll accuse you of being a hypocrite, an imposter. And that will eat away at you because you have a stature to conserve. It’s too risky for you to date me, a bisexual.”
“Don’t do this,” Paige said. “You explicitly stated when we were at The Bean that you would never sleep with me.”
“You’re misquoting me. I said I didn’t want to. ‘Never,’ however, is an awfully long time.” Lennox grinned. The twinkle in her eyes lit up the dim hallway.
Paige’s heart hammered beneath her breastbone. She had no comeback.
“Really?” Lennox asked defiantly. “You’re going to refute the chemistry we have?”
“Lennox, I—you’re mistaken,” Paige said haltingly and held out her hand to Lennox. “Friends?”
Lennox shook Paige’s hand. “Alright. We can be friends. But I’m not mistaken.”
Chapter Eight
Stealthily, Paige entered her unlit room, closed the door, and went over to the laptop on her desk. She placed her bag on the floor and sat on the ball chair that Keira had persuaded her to purchase last year. When prompted by the computer, Paige typed in her password. She heedfully glimpsed behind her at Keira, whose eyes were shut. Paige turned back to the screen and logged into her blog’s site. She selected the post titled, “Bisexuality: The Illusive ID,” grit her teeth, and deleted it.
“Paige?” Keira spoke groggily.
Paige stiffened, exhaled, and reeled around in her seat. “K! You have got to stop scaring the shit out of me!”
Keira gave Paige a devilish smile. “Whatcha doing?”
Paige stood and closed the laptop. “Nothing.”
“You’re bluffing.”
“I’m going to sleep. You should do the same.”
“You’re not even in your pajamas. Did you just get home?” Keira asked.
“I did. Now goodnight.”
“Must’ve been sooome get-togetherrr,” Keira lilted.
“A simple get-together. Exactly.” Paige discarded her shoes and sprawled across her bed. “Question for you. Since you’re awake and irking me to no end.”
“Hmm. Mystery girl’s got you ruminating, does she?”
“It’s an iota of a thought,” Paige said.
“Oooo. You’re fucked.”
“What? How?”
“Have you met you? You don’t let people up in there,” Keira said.
“Where?”
“Your head.”
“I do, too.”
“Who? Hanna? And that worked out splendidly for you, which is why you built your walls.”
“I don’t have walls,” Paige said.
“Yeah. Ya do. But this girl, whoever she is, trespassed. Kudos to her. It’s fantabulous that someone else was capable of attaining access to…well, you. So what were you going to ask me?”
A wide-eyed Paige sat up. “Do you mutate into a raving loony after hours or something? What the hell.”
“Haha! It riles you that I’m exorbitantly Paige-savvy,” Keira said.
“Yeah. Very much.”
“Can’t help it. Now, you had a query.”
Paige sighed and jangled her wallet chain. “Um. It’s more of a riddle.”
“Hit me.”
“Er. In…uh. In the lesbian world…” Paige folded her legs. “Hanging out and going on a date…is there a distinction?”
“Hmm. Depends on if the two people are romantically compatible or not going into it.”
“But that’s why this is dicey terrain. Because aren’t dates designed to determine compatibility?” Paige asked.
“Generally, yes. However, there are differentiators.”
“Care to improve upon that?”
“Absolutely,” Keira said. “Let’s say that both chicks are single. Their eligible statuses are a critical distinguishing factor. The odds are that it’s an assignation under the guise of a regular ole meet-up. Why else would two available lezzies confab?”
“You and I hang out and we’re both single,” Paige said.
“And can’t you just feel the sparks?” Keira fanned herself with her hands dramatically. “Whoa, baby! I’m on fire for you!”
“Cut it out. Don’t be a doofus. I’m being reflective here.”
Keira’s giggle subsided. “Okay okay okay. This is what I think, taking into account that women are complex, as you’re aware. It’s completely situational. Two girls get together, chit chat over some homemade gelato, and part ways. One might go back to her dorm convinced it was a fanciful rendezvous while the other keeps her roommate awake trying to convince herself that it was simply dessert with a pal. The latter is most likely paranoid that the former is holding onto aforesaid notion of romance.”
“Then how do I—how would a person thwart such a tragic misunderstanding?” Paige asked.
“Therein lies one of the greatest burdens of lesbianism. We gays gotta be candid with each other. Therefore, if it’s a date, you have to say so. And if it’s not, same diff. The dilemma is that even if boundaries are set, these um…transactions, they’re ordinarily misconstrued.”
“Why?”
“Because the heart wants what it wants.”
Chapter Nine
Sunday morning Paige traipsed towards a table at the east end of the cafeteria where her friends were congregated. She used one of her hands to carry a steaming bowl of oatmeal while she pulled the hood of her sweatshirt over her baseball cap and put her sunglasses on with the other. When she arrived at the table, everyone stopped talking and inspected her.
Marissa sniggered. “Whoa. If you were targeting inconspicuous, you missed the mark.”
“Not today, Rissa,” Paige seethed and set her breakfast down. She bowed into her chair and helplessly glanced at Justin, who was sitting across from her.
“Paigey, what in the fuck are you doing?” Justin asked.
“They’re after me,” Paige said softly.
“Who? The wannabe beatboxer coalition?” Callie asked.
Marissa burst into laughter while the others chuckled behind their cutlery, save for Paige who frowned.
“Fist bump!” Marissa exclaimed and her knuckles collided with Callie’s.
As the group quieted, Marissa put her hand on Paige’s head. “Okay. Who do you think has it out for you?”
“Lesbians,” Paige said. “My most devout readers.”
“Why? What have you done?” Justin asked.
“Oh! Last night on your computer!” Keira squalled. “You were being sketchy!”
“Doing what?” Marissa asked Paige.
Paige winced. “I took down a post. Whoop-dee-doo. It wasn’t meant to be a paramount thing. But I think I underestimated my followers, because I woke up to numerous, enraged emails from the university’s Lesbians United League.”
“Wait. They wrote to you? On a Saturday night? Their lives must be pitiful,” Marissa said.
“Yes, Rissa. They wrote to me. I told you I had an abundance of devotees and you razzed me about it.”
“Oh-kay. I’m sorry I miscalculated how legendary you clearly are,” Marissa said.
“And they’re mad?” Justin asked.
“They’re livid,” Paige said.
“Which entry was it?” Callie asked.
“The one on bisexuality,” Paige said.
The group gasped in concert.
“Why?” Marissa asked. “That was your prized piece…as injurious as it was to the bis.”
Paige shrugged. “To be harmonious and stuff.”
“With?” Marissa prodded.
“Uh…” Paige scooped a spoonful of oats into her mouth and began chewing.
“The human rac
e,” Justin interjected. “Obvi.”
Paige sighed and nodded at Justin, who smiled back at her.
“Hold on. It hasn’t even been a full day since you erased it. How did they find out so fast?” Keira asked.
“Well, as fate would have it, the leaders convene on Saturday evenings and fish through my blog for ideas to help them construct their agenda for their main powwow, which is on Wednesdays. This week’s deliberation: why bisexuals make unreliable partners. And from what I was told, they were going to use my words for reinforcement, only my words were no longer there for them to quote,” Paige said.
“Hmm. Then there is a gay agenda?” Justin chuckled and Paige scowled at him.
“I’m joking.” Justin glimpsed over Paige’s shoulder and started shaking his head.
Paige cocked an eyebrow at him and mouthed, “What?”
“Hey, guys,” Lennox’s voice perforated the buzzing that had been taking place among their clique.
“Lennox! Hello. So good to see you!” Justin stood and pointed to his chair. “Take my seat.”
“Oh brother,” Marissa muttered into her cup of tea and raised her left hand to greet Lennox.
Lennox smiled at Justin. “That’s okay. Thanks, though.”
“Hi, Lennox,” Keira said.
Callie wielded her napkin in the air. “Hey.”
Lennox eyed Paige suspiciously. “Paige?”
Paige looked up. “Yeah. Hi.”
Lennox reached down and lifted the glasses from Paige’s face. Paige shivered and temporarily forgot to breathe.
“Hi,” Lennox replied.
Marissa’s knee crashed against Paige’s under the table. “What just happened?” Marissa whispered.
Paige turned to meet Marissa’s stare. “Can we talk about this later and devise a survival plan for me now? They want to crucify me.”
“People are out to get you?” Lennox asked. “Well, that solves the ensemble.”
Paige whipped back around to face Lennox. She plucked the glasses from Lennox’s grasp. “Do not needle me.”
Lennox’s brow crinkled. “Not what I was doing. In truth, I came to tell you that I was just snooping online and what you did…on your website…it was cool.”
“How wonderful,” Paige said sardonically.
Never the Same Page 5
