Twenty-Five.
Queen Lucy of the Humanoids
Dinner with the King of the Elves was weird. First off, there was no table and no real food. There was only a tea service, and the tea tasted kind of like sun-dried mulch with an afterthought of honey mixed in. Jamie and I sat in tall-backed ornately carved wooden chairs across from King Hallamar and Queen Sorena. We were in a room with so many golden decorations, it was hard not to feel overwhelmed. Grape clusters as large as giant platters hung from the walls, and gold vines twined across the ceiling to give visitors the impression of being outside while they were still inside. There were three white birds with gold wings that flew around to different nests in the ceiling. Various rich-colored paintings of heroic elves in the throes of battle bedecked the walls in enormous gold frames, giving me a preview of what the elves judged as aesthetically pleasing.
Kristoffer was Head of the Guard, so he was standing at attention near the pillar-flanked door, sneaking me half-smiles every now and then. Jens was with us, too, but it was custom that he remain invisible. That way I could be safe, but it would not break the opulent mood with the sight of commoners.
Don’t get me started. Martin Luther King would have had a field day.
I’d made my opinion known to Jens and Jamie on the way over in no uncertain terms. I believe the phrase “bigoted aristocratic smackholes” was thrown around at one point. Apparently Toms, male Huldras and dwarves were lower class in this society, while Fossegrimens were feared in all societies. Since I was a fairly new species to them, I was like, Queen Lucy of the Humanoids or something. It was hard to keep up.
I sipped tea as I’d seen done in Jane Austen movies my mom and I watched together and nodded politely to the conversation, keeping my opinions to myself unless asked a direct question. Not my first time being the new kid in town. I refer back to Rule #1: When in doubt, shut your mouth.
It helped that I was the oddity. The king and queen looked at me as if I was a giraffe in their room, strange and fascinating in my differentness from their normal. They were enraptured at my smaller stature, confused that I was clearly not dwarf. Everything I did, they took notice of, so I did very little to compensate.
The royal couple was almost seven feet tall, slender, had brown braided hair and sat erect like they’d sewn a yardstick into their flowing gold robes. They had those kinds of teeth you know have to be veneers, so you try not to look directly at them. The woman had spindly tattoos on her fingers that wrapped around her wrists and vined up her arms. It sort of looked like henna, but the ink was green. I wanted to ask about them, but knowing me, I’d be accidentally calling her fat or something.
It was three long hours that we were sipping tea refills in the dining room when I felt an invisible hand on my shoulder. I tried not to jump when Jens whispered in my ear, “Say something. This is moving too fast. You need to take up more time.”
Really?
I could smell something beefy wafting in from the kitchen area. Despite how much I’d consumed last night, I was ravenous. My mom used to comment that each new day was a challenge to Linus and me to see if we could consume an entire hippopotamus. She was not wrong.
I cast around for something to say during the next lull. It was hard to tell when there was a lull, since the king and queen seemed perfectly content just sitting and staring at me. I straightened the gold and pale blue gown Uncle Rick gave me to wear. It was so fancy, I was afraid to move around too much in it. “That’s a lovely painting,” I said of the portrait of an elf, a huge golden boar and a guy with a funny little hat like Jamie’s. They were all fighting against a giant bald janky-toothed man with black bark-like skin and red marks peppering his body. He looked like a comic book monster villain.
“Ah,” said the king. “That’s from back when King Johannes and I got along. Though Jamie’s always welcome in my kingdom.” He nodded his head to Jamie, who smiled kindly.
“You’ve always known what was important in running your kingdom. Father’s forgotten that, but I have not.” Jamie made it clear that his affiliations with the rest of Undraland were not his childish father’s.
There was another traffic jam worth of pausing, so I searched for something else. “What can you tell me about the artist who painted that?”
There we go. Look at me, conversationalist extraordinaire. The two rattled off various facts about Oden the Meticulous.
“I suppose if you’re going to be labeled as meticulous, painting’s a good profession to get into,” I commented. It was as if I’d told the first joke that ever was. The two laughed like they’d never had occasion to before. Even Kristoffer’s professional demeanor cracked at my “hilarious” wit.
When that reached a head, Jens flicked my ear, reminding me to be charming. I smiled. “I know so little about your world. Can you tell me about Prince Jamie? He’s been too humble to say much about himself.”
Jamie gave me a modest smile from his seat next to mine as the king spoke. “Jamie comes from a long line of Tonttu Tomten. He’s the third born and chose to live amongst the people instead of above them at his proper place.”
It was hard to tell if King Hallamar admired Jamie or was scolding him.
The queen chimed in, her voice low-pitched like a sexy jazz singer. “Are you not betrothed to Freya of the Nisse? I can only imagine the good that will do your region.” She turned to explain what was common knowledge to me. “There are three Tomten tribes with three kings who do their best to rule together, but separate. Jamie’s Tonttu tribe is known for farming. King Gunnar’s tribe to the North handles the upkeep of the cities. Then the Nisse tribe looks after day-to-day commerce.”
Though he sat with perfect posture, Jamie was at ease in the overly formal room as he spoke to me. “My father’s tribe is seen as being of lowest value, since we don’t protect or trade in anything other than food. However, our warrior Jens the Brave changed public opinion when we had a mess of trolls no one could get rid of. Even the Nisse’s best men were slaughtered in a failed attempt, but Jens went out and destroyed the beasts single-handedly. Our tribe has been seen to be of greater value since then.”
Queen Sorena sipped her tea. “How is Jens these days? I know of eleven petitions in my immediate circle for women that wanted him as their Tomten.”
I was about to say, “Why don’t you ask him? He’s standing right behind me,” but Jamie shook his head infinitesimally. I was kind of shocked and impressed that the guy who guarded my family was in such high demand. I made a mental note to stop firing him.
Jamie answered for Jens. “Jens is well. He works for Queen Lucy, which is why she’s been so well protected. He fended off an attack of Weres recently. Pesta must’ve forgotten to use the peaceful souls, and filled the bears with horrific ones again.” His tone was light, like chiding a well-meaning two-year-old, but I saw his steel cutting with the kindness. “It’s rumored Jens fought off a pack of Weredogs, too.”
King Hallamar laughed at what he assumed was a joke. “Oh, you know how the gossip spreads. Weredogs. Have you ever heard of such a thing?”
I looked the king dead in the eye and watched his merry expression die. “There were three Weredogs. They were sent by Pesta to attack me, and Jens ripped them apart with his bare hands.” I dared Hallamar with my eyes to question that. “I don’t rely on gossip, either, which is why I’m grateful I saw Jens do it with my own two eyes. I had to leave my world because Pesta was closing in on me. She’s getting desperate, which is why she resorted to Weredogs. There aren’t many bears in the area I was living in.”
Jamie closed his eyes as if I’d just dropped a precious china cup on the floor. I felt the hand of my guardian gnome on my shoulder and shut my mouth.
Jamie popped in with a “delightful” little conversation changer that somehow spun me as a nature-loving loyalist to whatever it is they stood for. Something about the wisdom of elves. I kind of stopped paying attention when we hit hour four, and there was still no food to speak of.
> What I wouldn’t give for Tonya and her hot dog casserole right now.
Tonya. I wondered if my alleged death sent her into Danny’s arms. Good for him. Though, she could do better.
The gold and glass double doors behind the Queen opened, and I almost salivated at the thought that I might be fed soon. Someone in an official-looking uniform entered, summoning Kristoffer and the king out into the hallway so they could speak in private.
“Is something the matter?” Jamie inquired politely, setting down his teacup on the narrow glass table in front of him. His acting was flawless, like he was bred for pleasantries laced with deception.
“I can’t imagine there would be.” The Queen glanced over her shoulder to see her husband speaking in hushed urgency with Kristoffer and the guard in the hallway.
Jamie spoke for me, since I was not sure how to play in his game. “Queen Lucy usually travels in secret to keep Pesta from finding her location. She is of utmost importance to her kingdom. Pesta is angry Queen Lucy won’t let her build a portal to Be in her land, so she has sent Weres to attack her several times.”
My spine straightened at the lie that I somehow had a vote in what Pesta did.
Queen Sorena appeared troubled, but I could smell a self-soothing lie coming. “Werebears are peaceful. Pesta only sends the best souls to inhabit her creatures. You get the occasional fluke, but on the whole…”
Jamie’s face was solemn. “That is not the case on the Other Side. Pesta has no treaty with Queen Lucy, and she’s going about it the wrong way.”
Queen Sorena folded her long fingers in her lap. “Indeed. But Pesta has been sequestered to the Land of Be for years now. Surely there’s no need to fear her. She’s not known for targeting specific people. The palace of Elvage is a fortress.” Sorena smiled demurely at me, her posture so straight, I did not understand how she’d maintained it for four hours. “You are safe here, Queen Lucy.”
“Thank you, your majesty.”
King Hallamar came back in, his chestnut brow furrowed. “I’m afraid we’ll have to cut our visit short, your majesty.”
Oh, me. Right. “Is something the matter?”
“No, no,” he assured me a little too eagerly.
Jamie stood, offering his hand to me. “Has Pesta found her? Are there Weres spotted in the area?”
The king rubbed the back of his neck like he did not want to tell us the problem, but for my safety, he clued us in. “It’s the portal. I must see to it. One of my guards informed me that there’s been some sort of disturbance. I’m sure it’s nothing, but I must go there straight away.”
I took Jamie’s hand and stood, bowing with him when the elves bowed to us. “Is there a path you recommend we take? I have to get out quick if Pesta knows I’m here.”
Their expressions fell that I was leaving so soon. I can’t imagine I’d said one interesting thing the entire time I’d been here, but the way they looked at me, I’m guessing it was sort of like having a unicorn over for tea. The unicorn doesn’t have to say anything; it can just sit there and drink tea while you gawk, enthralled at the magical creature.
Hallamar had his hand on his wife’s back. Her brown eyes clouded with concern as she spoke. “You’re leaving? We’ve only just begun to know you. I would be honored if you stayed longer. I could show you more of the kingdom. I’m sure the disturbance is of no import.”
I smiled at the gracious hosts. “Thank you, but I should be going. This has been great. Real nice. Thanks for tea and the company. Elvage is incredible. This gold dust you’ve got everywhere? Off the charts nuts.”
Queen Sorena lifted her heels off the ground as she spoke, hoping to catch me in a lengthy conversation to deter my leave. “It’s remnants of elfish magic. A trace left behind when large amounts are used.”
“That’s incredible,” I complimented her people. “Thanks for everything, Sorena. I hate to go, but I’m just worried Pesta will come after me. I wouldn’t want to cause drama in your beautiful land.”
Kristoffer stepped forward with his barrel chest, the need for my safety trumping his desire for me to stay. Good man. “If I may,” he said, excusing his interruption. “You should take the Fallsbury passage. This time of day, there won’t be many to slow you down.” Then he did something so embarrassing, I blushed about nine shades of red. He got down on his knee to bow to little old me. I resisted the urge to confess that my title was completely made up. I tried my best to be cool when Kristoffer took my hand and placed a kiss atop it. “I hope you find rest from the Weres, Queen Lucy the Fair.”
Queen Lucy the Fair. Well, that was adorably cute. A far sight better than Lucy Goosy.
I bowed to the elves again, and then exited on Jamie’s arm. As soon as we cleared the room, we picked up the pace.
Undraland Page 25
