It wasn’t just a 180.
It was a completely different life.
An alternate reality.
But that didn’t mean that the darkness didn’t still hover — I was the Nicolasi boss after all, which meant that although things were better — I still knew too many secrets.
And was well aware of the toll it took on my sanity.
There was always this fear.
That I would snap again.
That it would become too much.
“Hey,” The couch sank as Bee sat next to me and handed me a glass of cider. “You look like you need this.”
I sniffed it. “Shit, did you add an entire bottle of rum?”
She shrugged then scrunched up her nose. “You were staring off into space all dark morose I’m going to kill someone — Phoenix style, so I figured if I brought you something strong you’d actually smile.”
“I smile.” I argued. God knows why since I never won.
“You wince. Big difference.” She teased.
I rolled my eyes, took a sip, and started coughing. “Hell, the whole bottle, Bee? Really?”
“Feel better?” She grinned, leaning in until our lips nearly touched.
“Yeah.” I reached for her. “But it’s not the rum.”
“Oh?” She set the mug on the table and crawled into my lap. “Then what is it?” She wiggled against me.
“If you don’t stop I’m going to be stripping you next to the Christmas tree and you know how I feel about anyone else seeing you naked.”
Bee stopped moving, then brushed a kiss across my lips. “Better?”
“No.” I said honestly, “Because now I just have sex on the mind, thanks for that.”
“At least you want sex, remember all those times I had to seduce you?”
“Very funny.” I shifted in my seat.
“And you were all no Bee, I can’t, no it’s not right.” She threw her arm dramatically across her face. “I don’t deserve your hot little body and perfect kisses.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes.
“Bee! I must stay in control!” She just kept going.
Finally, I pinched her in the ass, “You done yet? And I don’t sound like that… I know it’s hard to comprehend since you’re still so young,” She glared. “But that’s what us adults call self-control. You should try it next time Chase bakes cookies.”
“Oh please, one of us has to be crazy and the fact that you hate Christmas cookies means you’re untrustworthy.”
“You know I hate all the frosting.” I eyed her up and down. “You could at least try to be normal.”
“You hate normal.”
“I hate chaos.”
“And yet,” She whispered in a low voice, “Swirling beneath this perfectly controlled facade is the most chaotic and out of control man I know… especially when we’re alone, and I’m naked, beneath you, above you, beside you, or like last night when—”
I slammed a hand over her mouth. “So?”
She licked it.
I jerked away and gripped the chair with both of my hands, fingers digging into the leather.
“So.” She moved against my lap. I gritted my teeth. “Since our son is sleeping… We should go… a little crazy.”
“What—” I swallowed a curse when she reached her hands beneath my shirt. “What did you have in mind?”
“A little of this,” She pinched my nipple.
“Very funny.” I swore as she dipped her hands lower and gave my jeans a little tug, no way they were hiding how much my body wanted her — craved her.
“And this,” She cupped me, winked, and stood.
“You know I can’t follow you like this.” I wiped my face with both hands so I wouldn’t lunge for her.
“Sure you can.” A pillow hit me in the face. “Just improvise.”
“Hell no.” I chucked the pillow back at her.
She ginned and then made her way back over to me, with a heave, she tugged me to my feet and then turned so that I was hugging her from behind, completely blocking me from anyone’s view. The last thing I needed was for the guys to think that throw pillows and the smell of pine made me hard enough to pound nails.
“Hey, where you going?” Tex looked like he’d just been through World War Three, his hair pointed in all the wrong directions and I noticed at least three hickeys near his neck, not to mention he was still bruising from the fight. “I thought we were opening presents?”
I shrugged. “Business.”
His eyes narrowed at Bee and then me. “Funny, I could have sworn it looked like pleasure…”
“Like you should talk.” I snapped.
“Forgive, Phoenix, he needs to get laid.” Bee winked at her brother.
Tex snapped his mouth closed, ground his teeth, and then cupped his hands over his ears and stomped off.
“Progress.” Bee whispered, “This time he didn’t grab his gun.”
“Just, great, Bee.” I sighed against the back of her neck. “Now move, before he comes back and starts shooting.”
“Whatever, we have a child together, like he has a right to be pissed.”
“I got you pregnant…” I moved us through the kitchen. “Out of wed-lock.” I kissed the top of her head. “Have a tumultuous past, and was supposed to be your babysitter — trust me, he still has a lot to be pissed about.”
“Right, but you know all his secrets so.” She turned in my arms. “All’s fair in love and war.”
“True.” I found her mouth, seeking her lips like I was starving, my tongue trembled slightly when she met me halfway. God, she always tasted amazing, like I was finally calm, in control, home.
And yet at the same time, a frenzied madness always took over whenever we touched, like I’d spent a lifetime holding back — and was finally given free rein.
With the one girl I was supposed to stay away from.
And the only one capable on this earth of saving me from the darkness — from myself.
“I love you.” I brushed another rough kiss against her mouth. “I know I don’t say it enough. I know I’m a jackass to live with at least half the time. But I would die without you — no dramatics, just truth. You. You’re the reason I’m alive. You’re the reason that when I breathe, it hurts a bit less, you and,” I sighed.
“And?” She prompted.
“Phoenix Jr.” I grumbled. “Bee…” My voice was a growl. “You sure you want to saddle that kid with this?”
Bee cupped my face. “Are you asking if I want to saddle our kid with the fact that his father is the strongest man I’ve ever known, courageous, a fighter, brave, generous to a fault? Best man I’ve ever known?” Her voice cracked. “Yeah, I think it would be a privilege, and an honor to wear that name, Phoenix.”
“I don’t deserve you.” I whispered.
“Then make it up to me.” She winked and jerked me into the nearest bedroom.
“This is Tex’s old room.” I pointed out. “Your brother.”
“Yup.” She giggled. “And he’ll never know, plus it makes it that much more exciting, just think, next time he glares at you, you can tell him that his bed was really soft.”
I let out a groan. “Bee.”
“What?” She danced around me and then flipped on the lights. “Okay, strip.”
“Huh?” I crossed my arms. “Since when do you get to boss me around?”
She pointed at me. “Boss in the streets,” And then she pointed at herself. “Boss in the sheets.”
I smirked. “Cute.”
“Truth.” She nodded.
I took a threatening step toward her and jerked her against my body, whispering against her lips. “Lie.”
She shivered.
“Now,” I tugged her shirt over her head. “Strip.”
“You don’t have to be so bossy.” She grumbled with a smile.
“Damn it, you always get your way don’t you?”
“Always.” She slid out of her jeans, and was suddenly naked. �
��What are you gonna do about it?”
How was it that she could always bring me to my knees?
“Love you.” I said honestly. “And then tell Tex his mattress was really comfortable,” I picked her up and dropped her onto the desk, “But not as much as his old work desk.”
She threw her head back and laughed, my shirt went flying, my pants dropped to the floor, her eyes heated, “Now.”
“Patience.”
“Baby’s sleeping… for who knows how long.” She gripped me in her hand, taking charge which was unusual for her since she knew that for the most part I needed to go at my own pace — still.
But for some reason I didn’t mind the change.
Not as much as I thought I would.
In fact.
I didn’t even realize I was smiling until she sucked in a breath and then kissed my wildly across the mouth, her feet hooking behind my ass. “You’re almost pretty when you smile.”
I hissed. “Never pretty.”
“Whatever you say.” She said in a sing song voice, before I thrust long and hard into her, silencing whatever protest she had.
“Wow,” She drew in a deep breath. “Imagine that, the desk is better.”
“We’ll, leave him,” I fought for control. “A thank you note.”
“With my ass cheeks imprinted on top.”
“Perfect.” I kissed her again.
And lost myself.
It was the best Christmas memory of my life.
Nixon
I WAITED UNTIL everyone was in the living room, arguing over everything — from when to eat dessert to who should go down to the wine cellar. The voices grew louder. I rolled my eyes and slowly crept into the dark bedroom.
The faint smell of baby powder swirled around my nostrils, I sucked in a breath when a little sigh escaped between my baby girl’s lips.
Trace always gave me shit for picking up my girl when she was already sleeping, but I just wanted to make sure.
Of everything.
Of her breathing.
Of her heartbeat.
Of her life.
I pressed my palm to her tiny chest and exhaled in relief, then gripped the crib with my fingers until they ached. How did people survive this? I’d laughed in the face of death, the face of fear, countless times.
But now I had two girls to protect.
Two girls who were counting on me.
And in this business… the heart was the most dangerous weapon you had against your enemies, and the most dangerous one they had against you.
“Hell.” I muttered as she yawned and reached for me.
I felt that reach all the way down to my toes.
“Okay,” I whispered, “But don’t tell your mama.”
Big blue eyes blinked up at me with awe as I leaned over and pulled her into my arms, only to have her yawn again and snuggle against my chest.
Brought to my knees by an infant.
If the guys could see me now, the tears filling my eyes, the feeling of helplessness that washed over me whenever I held her close.
I’d never had a relationship with my father — it was only violence and blood.
“I promise,” I held her little finger. “That I will always protect you with my life, until there’s no more breath in my body — and even then. I’ll lay down my life for you — I swear you’ll only know peace, even if I have to kill every single person that stands in my way — the blood will be on my hands, not yours. You will have a life of peace—even if it means I live one full of death.” I kissed her head and started to sing.
“Oh, Nixon.” Trace’s voice washed over me. I sighed and met her concerned gaze. “Making big promises again?”
“At least I can keep these ones.” I answered honestly. So many Christmas’s I’d wondered about Trace, thinking her dead, thinking it my fault, just wishing for a way to re-do what had been done between our families, and swearing on my life to make it right, having no idea that she was alive, that she was right next to me, until it was too late.
She took our girl and put her in her cradle then held her hand out to me. “What’s that look for?”
“Losing you,” I whispered gruffly. “I could never go through that again.”
“What makes you think you’re going to lose me?”
“Extreme paranoia.” I finally answered, “I hate this feeling. Hate it.”
“What feeling?” She wrapped her arms around my neck, then kissed my mouth softly.
“Not being in control.” I shuddered. “I hate it.”
Trace smirked, “Really, Nixon?”
“What?”
“You’re never fully in control — you’ve only thought you were, the feeling you’re talking about is the realization that you can’t control. Big difference.”
I pressed an open mouth kiss to her neck, then slid my hand down her shoulder. “Did you just correct me?”
“Get used to it.”
“You’d think I would be.” I grinned. “And yet, I still want to chase you through the house and turn you over my knee.”
“Last time you at least gave me a head start.”
I gripped her hand and held her still. “Yeah well I’m not feeling very generous right now.”
“No?”
“No.” I confirmed, backing her up against the wall until she was pinned by my body. “How quiet can you be?”
She tilted her head. “I guess you’ll find out.”
I groaned when she parted her lips, her tongue sliding into my mouth before I lifted her into the air and deepened the kiss, pressing her ass against the wall before her hands found my hair and held on.
It could have been seconds.
Minutes.
Hours.
Kissing Trace was always my favorite hobby — and next to that, tasting her, pleasing her, making sure she damn well knew who owned her — making sure she knew I’d lost her once and refused to do it again, regardless of circumstances.
“In this life and the next.” She whispered, reading my thoughts, before I slid my jeans down with one hand. “Swear it?”
I discarded her clothes and locked eyes with her while I entered with one smooth thrust. “I swear.”
Tears filled her eyes.
“This life,” I whispered hoarsely, “And the next. And the in between,” my mouth found hers. “And every other second…” I broke away and huffed out a breath. “You’re mine.”
“Yours.” She echoed.
Val
IT HAD ONLY been a few months since we’d been married — and I still dealt with the insecurity that came with the knowledge that Andi would always be a part of our lives — especially during the Holidays.
I knew Sergio — sometimes I hated how well I knew him. And even though he hadn’t said anything — I could tell he missed her. How could he not? Andi was so vibrant and full of life, she’d probably be the only person singing Christmas carols while spiking the egg nog with vodka.
The thing about being married? I wanted to share his burdens.
But a part of me was jealous of the time he spent staring off into the distance, thinking of her.
When I was right there.
I also knew that I was being unfair, that when you suffered that sort of loss, you had good days and you had bad days and I’d willingly gone into this marriage with the promise to love him through the good and the bad.
“Hey,” I wrapped my arm around Sergio’s waist. He was in the living room, staring out at the snow filled landscape.
He frowned down at me. “What’s wrong?”
“Huh?” Wasn’t that my line. “Nothing. You just looked, sad, and,” Why? Why was I the one getting emotional? Tears filled my eyes. “I just—”
“Come on.” He didn’t give me a chance to answer, instead he pulled me toward the back door shoved a coat in my direction along with snow boots and started donning snow gear like we were going to run outside and build a snowman or something. “Ready?”
“For what?
”
He grabbed my hand and shoved me through the door. It was freezing cold as we trudged through the snow. My breath came out in short gasps once we finally reached the edge of the property, away from the lights, away from everything.
Just us.
In the snowy field.
Sergio’s hair was long again, it blew in the wind, wrapping around his scarf, making him look like a freaking Armani model who’d just gotten off the plane from Italy.
He didn’t look at me.
I wasn’t really sure what he was looking at.
“Sergio?”
“You lied to me.”
“What?” Not what I was expecting. “I think I’m confused.”
“You’re worried.” His blue eyes finally locked onto mine. “You’re sad, and you’re not acting like yourself.”
Well that was true, but it was because I didn’t want to bring it up, didn’t’ that make it worse? More painful?
Without another word he picked me up and hauled me over his shoulder then sat down in the snow. I let out a scream as snow hit my warm skin.
And then he was pulling me onto him as he laid on his back. “Tell me one true thing, Val — why do you look like you got a puppy for Christmas and he died the next day?”
I sucked in a breath.
He stilled, and then, “AH, I see.”
“What? You can read minds now.” I muttered, irritated that he’d be so perfect that he’d know what was bothering me.
“She’s probably laughing her ass off at you right now, you know that right?” He pressed a warm kiss to my cheek. “Sometimes you still act as if you’re sharing — and I know how you feel about sharing anything.”
“Only food.” I corrected.
He rolled his eyes. “I’ll always miss her, just like you’ll always miss her, but Val — it doesn’t consume me.”
“It should.” I said honestly. I knew the type of love they had, it’s not like he could hide it from me or anyone else for that matter.
His arrogant smile wasn’t helping matters either. “What!”
“You’re really pretty when you’re jealous.”
“I’m not…” I took a deep breath. “I’m just… I don’t know. I think you should miss her just like I miss her but I don’t want to be sad on Christmas, and I don’t want to worry that when I’m thinking about us as a family that you’re thinking about what would have happened had she lived.” There I said it. Yeah I was being irrational. And selfish.
A Very Mafia Christmas Page 4
