His body tensed again.
She brushed her fingertips along the curve of his shoulders in an attempt to soothe him.
“Gavin, please—just look at me.”
When he turned his head toward her, she saw a sheen of tears in his eyes. Her stomach twisted as she reached up to wipe away the single stray tear that escaped his lashes.
“Don’t!” He caught her hand and held it firmly. “Don’t do that.”
“Gavin, I’m sorry.” She stared into his eyes.
“Are you?” He continued to hold her hand in midair beside his face. “Because I don’t even know how you could go on a date. I was beside myself. I was going to make things work. But you—all you wanted to do was find someone new to spend your time with?”
“No, it isn’t like that. Not at all.”
“Then tell me what it’s like, Nic. Because I don’t understand any of this. I never wanted to play games. I never wanted to have to guess at what you’re thinking or feeling. So why are we doing this?”
“I just can’t figure out what it is that you want,” said Nicole.
“That’s not true.” He drew her hand against his chest and pinned it there. “You know exactly what it is that I want.”
“Still?” She blinked back tears. “Even after everything?”
“Is that why you went on a date with that guy?”
“Gavin, I don’t know how to answer that.” She looked away from him.
“Just tell me the truth.” His voice softened with a hint of desperation.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” She clung to his chest and hoped that he wouldn’t pull her hand away.
He shook his head and gave her hand a subtle squeeze. “I just want you to tell me the truth.”
“All I want is the chance to explain myself, Gavin. You never gave me that chance. I understand why you were upset, but you don’t know everything that went into my decision.”
“Then tell me.”
“Will it matter?” She gazed into his eyes.
“Tell me.” His jaw tensed.
“I wanted a chance with you. The man I was with, my ex, threw away the woman I’d become. He threw me away like I was nothing, like the years we shared had meant nothing to him. So I guess I just wanted to be that younger version of myself—but then everything changed.”
“So, it was all lies?”
“No, not all, Gavin. I told you the truth about everything else. Yes, my favorite memories are my children being born, and my biggest fear is losing them. I love my kids and I love being a mom. I’m sorry that I hid that from you.”
“But then instead of talking it out, you went on a date. Is that how we’re going to handle things when stuff gets hard between us?”
“I didn’t think you ever wanted to see me again.” She tried to hold back the tears that were threatening beneath her eyelids.
“Nic, I love you.” He gave her a soft kiss.
She pulled away to look at him as her heart raced.
Chapter 36
“What are you trying to do to me?” Gavin felt his eyes go wild as they stared into Nicole’s, unable to focus, unable to be calm as he wished to be.
“I just want you to be sure. I know that I hurt you.”
The hurt in her voice was clear to him as it wavered with the weight of her words.
She continued, “But you told me that you couldn’t be with a liar, so what was I supposed to do?”
“Not jump at the first guy that walked past. Give me time to…” His voice failed him.
“To what?” Her tone softened.
“To apologize, to explain myself, to ask for your understanding. I had no idea that you would move on so easily.” He forced his eyes to meet hers. “Now that I know, I guess maybe I was wrong.”
“I haven’t moved on. I only went on this date for one reason.” She sighed and turned away from him.
“What reason?” He reached out and grasped the curve of her shoulder. “Please, Nic, just tell me the truth. I don’t want to lose what we have.”
“It was to get your attention, Gavin. I listened to some bad advice, and obviously it backfired on me.” She shook her head and turned away again. “I keep making mistakes.”
With a warm firm touch he turned her back to look at him. “You have my attention. You’ve had it from the moment I saw you. You’ll always have it.”
“But nothing has changed. I am a mother. I can’t change that, nor would I ever want to. You’re a single guy with no kids and our lifestyles are very different.” She frowned and met his eyes. “Maybe we just have bad timing.”
“Or maybe we just don’t know how to tell one another the truth. I have no problem with kids, Nic—especially if they’re yours. I love everything about you—don’t you get that?” He brushed his hands along her cheeks. “I’m sorry for the way that I reacted. My ex kept a lot of things from me. She didn’t tell me what she was feeling about our relationship, or that she longed for more than what I’d been giving her. I only found out when I discovered she’d been taking to another guy. I guess when I found out that you were keeping things from me, it just made me snap.”
“You had a right to be upset, Gavin. I should have told you the truth from the beginning. I know what it’s like to be blindsided by something. My ex lied to me for years about being happy. Now he’s getting married, my kids are with him for the wedding—and it all seemed so wrong. It was like my perfect life—at least the life I thought I had—just disappeared one day. I guess I was trying to figure out what made him fall out of love with me. Maybe I was too distracted by the kids, maybe he didn’t see me the same way after I became a mother—” Her voice caught and she shook her head. “I guess I wanted to be that young desirable woman that he’d once adored.”
Gavin held her face gently between his palms and looked into her eyes. “I desire you—every detail of you. Maybe he just wasn’t the right man. Maybe Amy wasn’t the right woman. Maybe we got lost on our way to each other.” He smiled at her.
“What a beautiful thought.” She returned his gaze. “Do you think we can fix this, Gavin?”
“I know I want to try—if you do. I hope you do.” He kissed her forehead, for the first time that day feeling relaxed and at peace.
******
“I’m not saying that it’s not scary.” Nicole took Gavin’s hand in hers and looked into his eyes. “I’m not promising you that I won’t ever do anything to upset you, but I will tell you this—I’m willing to risk it all for you. I’m willing to be as honest as I can be and as loving as I hope to be. I want to know where this journey goes. I want to know why it took us so long to find one another and what your life has been like up until this point. I want to welcome you into my life in any way that you want to be there.”
“You mean that?” He searched her eyes. His voice was barely more than a whisper. “Because it is scary. This feeling I have for you is the most powerful thing I’ve ever experienced, but I’m not sure I could survive without it. That scares me.”
“I know it does. It scares me too.” She leaned close and kissed him with a gentle caress of her lips. “There’s no one else on earth that I’d even consider risking it for. We’ve both had the ground crumble beneath us. We’ve both had our hearts torn into pieces. It seems reckless and illogical to try again, but I don’t think I could survive if we didn’t at least try.”
“What if—”
She interrupted him with another kiss—this time with more force and passion.
His arms swung around her waist. He pulled her close and held her against him as he returned the kiss.
Sparks of ecstasy flooded her from the tips of her toes to her fluttering eyelashes. Despite the chill of the air, she was awash in warmth.
Breathless, she pulled back from the kiss and looked into his eyes. “We can’t walk away from this. There’s no way to predict what will happen. There’s no way to know where all of this will lead. But what we have right now is the most beaut
iful moment I’ve ever experienced.” She leaned up and nuzzled his neck with her lips. “And I don’t want it to end.”
“So we should just let it unfold.” He gazed into her eyes, then caught her lips in a quick kiss. “Life is unpredictable. It rarely makes sense.” He grinned at her and held out his hand. “Dance with me?”
She wound her fingers through his and let him guide her toward the candlelit dance floor.
Gavin smiled at her as her arms naturally wrapped around him. She rested her head on the rise of his chest and the curve of his shoulder. His arms cradled her body against his. His cheek brushed across the curve of her head. Together they began to move to the melody that filled the air. It didn’t matter what song it was, it became their song in that moment.
As she gazed up at the stars that twinkled above them, Nicole knew that she’d been granted a wish that she’d never even dared to make. No matter where life took her next, she finally understood what it was to be in the arms of this man who loved her.
Dear Reader,
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Please enjoy the following preview for
To Trust Again (Forty and Free, Book 2)
Chapter 1
The crimson lipstick coasted across Ella’s mouth as smooth as always. She popped her lips and checked for lipstick on her teeth. Then she picked up her sparkly clutch purse. She took one glance in the full-length mirror on the back of her bathroom door. She was ready for a night out—from the twist of her wavy brown hair to the tips of her high-heeled shoes, and in the fabulous little black dress that she wore well. Normally this all would lead to a sense of satisfaction and a burst of confidence, but this time it was different. She didn’t find perfection, or even something she considered acceptable. Instead, her reflection seemed to be mocking her.
Trying again, Ella? She shook her head and narrowed her eyes. “Tonight will be different.”
Her words hung in the air as she stared at her own forlorn expression. Was that sadness? Boredom?
It was her third date that week, which was usually fine with her, but ever since she’d gotten the e-mail from her friend Nicole detailing her new head-over-heels romance, Ella felt uneasy.
Her first instinct had been to warn Nicole that true love didn’t actually exist—to not to be duped—but of course she didn’t do that. Nicole was happy and that was all that mattered.
But that recognition seemed to have forced Ella to ask herself if she was happy. Despite leading a lifestyle that most of her friends envied—having her choice of bachelors happy to share their evenings with her—she had to face the truth that she really was not happy at all.
That new revelation astonished her. Maybe she was the person she lied to the most, as it had never dawned on her that the rituals she went through were more to keep herself blind to her true feelings than to truly enjoy herself.
To try to distract herself from how bad she was feeling, Ella logged unto her computer. She read over the most recent posts on the online forum that she belonged to, Forty and Free. Most of the members were lamenting an issue with a relationship, or an anticipation of a problem they might have when they finally did find themselves in a relationship.
She saw the worries of women from all walks of life—worries that they might not be able to make a meaningful connection with another person. Although Ella did enjoy dating, and had gone on plenty of dates over the past year, that wasn’t a concern of hers—at least it hadn’t been, until someone she knew personally had discovered true love.
All of her theories that it didn’t exist, or that people simply imagined it, went right out the window with every detail that Nicole sent her. Suddenly, the high-energy passionate dates she usually enjoyed seemed routine and lifeless. Had she closed herself off to the possibility of love because she didn’t believe in it? Or because she was afraid of it?
She closed the website and stood up from her computer chair.
As she paced back and forth throughout her living room she tried to sort through her thoughts. Minutes slid by. The time she was supposed to meet her date came and went. She continued to stare into the mirror.
All at once it hit her that she was not, in fact, happy with this lifestyle that she’d been promoting every chance she got. She was tired of the runaround that came with casual dating and the emptiness that it seemed to be bringing into her life.
She ignored her ringing phone, knowing that it would be her date. She wasn’t one to flake, but tonight she couldn’t even imagine going out to meet someone else. It would be the same old runaround of getting to know a man whom she’d then forget within a few weeks. Or he’d forget about her.
Her stomach twisted at the thought. What was the point?
She grabbed a tissue and wiped at her lips. Did she even know who she was under her make-up? Did she exist without her sexy dress?
It dawned on her that she hadn’t really thought about the future in a very long time. She wanted to live in the moment, but the truth was that it was entirely possible that she’d been avoiding herself.
Maybe it was time to embrace herself again. She needed a reboot of sorts.
She sat back down at the computer. Instead of logging into the usual dating sites she used, she logged into her favorite travel site.
As she perused her options for a getaway trip, she discovered a special for a week-long trip to Bermuda. It certainly was in her price range. As a music industry executive, she made a very good income. Instead of spending it on new first-date outfits, she decided to use it for a much-needed vacation.
As she booked her trip, she also made the decision to embrace it as a solo journey. She wanted to recharge and get to know herself again. That meant no dates and no men.
Once the itinerary was settled, she felt a sense of relief, followed by a burst of excitement. Sun, waves, and peace—she couldn’t imagine anything better.
With a push of a button she turned off her phone, then she poured herself a tall glass of wine. She sat back and stared into the calm liquid. So many years of her life had been spent alone. Although she’d always had company—and a few guys she could call up if she wanted to have a fun night out—essentially she was alone.
It had never occurred to her, in the midst of all the wild adventures, that she might actually be lonely. But as she took a sip of her wine, she felt that familiar dull ache in the pit of her stomach. It had been there for some time, but she’d ignored it. Now she recognized it for what it was—a subtle, pushed-down longing.
She closed her eyes and imagined just for a moment what it would be like to look into the eyes of a man who truly loved her. That one moment of fantasy was enough to unleash a flood of desire.
She opened her eyes and took another sip of her wine. Maybe, just maybe, that was something that she wanted. But she was still not convinced that it was even possible. Maybe spending some time with just herself would reveal whether or not love was a risk she wanted to take.
In a few days she’d be in paradise. Until then she’d have to explore this
new perspective. Maybe it would only last as long as her vacation, but she wondered if there was a part of her that would never be satisfied with casual dating again.
Chapter 2
Dane Jackson gazed across the grass to his son as the teenager jogged to retrieve the football. He enjoyed any time he had with Thomas, as he knew it was fleeting. It amazed him that the lanky boy who jogged back toward him was the same tiny being that he’d held in his arms eighteen years before. Now he was a remarkable young man, but to Dane, Thomas was still too young to be an adult.
“Dad, this is our last trip together. I mean I’m sure that we’ll do stuff in the future, but you know—I’ll be busy, and I just want us to have a great time.”
“I appreciate that, Thomas.” He squeezed his son’s shoulder. “More than you know. But I’m still getting my hair cut,” he said in reference to an earlier conversation whereby Thomas was trying to convince him to let his hair grow a little longer.
“Well, at least have it done at a shop. Don’t try to do it in the bathroom mirror again. Remember what happened last time?” He raised a thick eyebrow and rolled his eyes.
“Alright, that I can agree with. Your mother used to do such a great job of cutting my hair. I certainly didn’t learn anything from her.” He chuckled. “Do you need anything for the trip? How are you on underwear?”
“Dad! I’m eighteen, no more asking me about underwear.” He shook his head and looked away from his father. A moment later he looked back with a sheepish smile. “I probably could use a few pairs.”
To Love Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 1) Page 13
