Kan’ichi stopped, turned toward the ocean, and started to cry. Miya approached him, now for the first time, and looked into his face with tenderness and caring in her eyes.
“Forgive me. It’s all my . . . please, forgive me.” She grabbed Kan’ichi’s hand. And when she pressed her face to his shoulder, he let out an audible cry.
The waves seemed to float toward an unknowable horizon; the moonlight filtered down upon the sand of the bay. Amid the veiled whiteness of sky and water, the two of them, standing together, seemed like a blotch of sumi ink.
“So I was thinking. Your father said he was to work on me, and your mother would try to talk to you. That has to be why they went through the trouble of bringing you here. If they ask me, I’m in no position to say no to them. All I could do was hear them out and try to be agreeable. But you. No one would blame you if you refused. If you made it clear that you couldn’t imagine being happy with Tomiyama, then their plans for you would end right there. When I realized they brought you here so I wouldn’t be around to influence you and when I saw that they were going to force this marriage on you, I was beside myself with worry. I didn’t sleep all night. I knew it would never happen, but what if they appealed to your sense of obligation and forced you to go along with their plan? I told people at home that I was returning to school, but I came here to see for myself what was going on. Fool! What a damned fool I am! Where could you find a bigger fool in this entire world? Only now, at twenty-five years old, do I know just how much of a fool I am.”
Overcome with sadness and fear, Miya sobbed.
Kan’ichi had been trying to hold his anger back, but the floodgates of wrath finally opened. “Miya-san, you’ve betrayed me!”
Miya started to shudder uncontrollably.
“You said you were sick. But you really came here to meet Tomiyama. Didn’t you?”
“That wasn’t the only reason . . .”
“Wasn’t the only reason?”
“The way you come to these conclusions. It’s awful. You keep saying such awful things.”
Kan’ichi ignored Miya’s tears.
“Miya-san, you should know all about being awful. Cry all you like. What about me, Kan’ichi, the biggest fool who has ever lived? If my eyes cried blood, it still wouldn’t be enough. If you hadn’t consented to the proposal, why would you come here without telling me a word? If you say it’s because you left in a hurry and didn’t have enough time, you at least could have sent a letter afterward. Judging by the way you left town in such a hurry and how you’ve been keeping me in the dark, it looks like you were planning to meet Tomiyama all along. Maybe you even came here together. Miya-san, you’re an adulteress. What you did was the same as adultery.”
“How can you say that? You’re being so unfair.”
Kan’ichi sobbed wretchedly. He turned away when Miya tried to draw near to him.
“If you lost your chastity, why aren’t you an adulteress?”
“When did I lose my chastity?”
“I may be a fool, but I’m not about let my wife play around with another man. You had me, Hazama Kan’ichi, for a husband—a straightforward man. But then you left me, and you came here to play at the hot springs with someone else. Tell me you’re not an adulteress.”
“If that’s how you feel, then I guess I really don’t have much to say. If you think I came here to meet Tomiyama, well, that’s just your imagination. He heard we were here and came afterward.”
“Why would Tomiyama do that?”
Miya suddenly had nothing to say, as if her lips had been nailed shut. Kan’ichi believed that if he pressed her in this way, she would feel remorse for her mistake. She would confess her sins and then pledge her body, if not her very life, to his every whim. Even if he believed it would never happen, he secretly wished for it in his heart. Why, then, did she not show even the least sign of compliance? He grew frustrated, knowing her changing heart and realizing that his desire to pull the fragile morning glory from the wall where it clung so tightly was only an empty dream.
My Miya has thrown me away! My wife has been stolen away by another man! The woman I cherished more than life itself has come to loathe me as if I’m nothing but trash. Rancor filled Kan’ichi’s bones, and wrath exploded within his breast. Losing control of himself and of his connection to the world around him, he even considered devouring whore’s flesh to cool his feverish mind. Suddenly, he felt as if his head were going to split open. Unable to stand the pain, he fell on his butt in the sand.
Miya, too, immediately fell to the sand and embraced Kan’ichi. His tears gushed from beneath closed eyelids and soaked his ashen cheek. They wandered sadly there in the moonlight while the panting of his breath resonated with the heart-crushing pounding of waves. Miya embraced him from behind. She held him tightly as they rocked back and forth together. Her trembling voice encouraged him. “Kan’ichi, are you all right?”
Kan’ichi lifelessly took her hand in his. Miya tenderly wiped the tears from his face.
“Miya-san. This is the last night we’ll share together. This will be the last time you’ll take me into your arms and the last time for my words to reach your ears. Today is the seventeenth of the first month. Miya-san. Remember this night. Next year at this time, where will I be when I look up and see the moon? And the year after that? And ten years from now, on this night, of this same month. I’ll never forget this night for as long as I live. How could I? Even if I die, I won’t forget. Do you understand, Miya-san? The seventeenth of the first month. Next year, on this very night, I’m going to show you this same moon through your tears. And when that moon . . . blurs in your tears, remember that Kan’ichi is somewhere else and that he hates you and that he’s crying just as I am tonight.”
Miya held Kan’ichi with all her might and began sobbing wildly. “Don’t say such sad things, Kan’ichi-san. I have a plan of my own. I know you’re angry with me, but please. I just need a little more time. I have a thousand things I want to tell you. But everything is so hard to talk about. The one thing I can say is that I haven’t forgotten you. I’ll never forget you as long as I live.”
“I don’t want to hear it! You say you’ll never forget me. Then why did you betray me?”
“I didn’t.”
“No? Then why are you getting married? What rubbish! Do you think you can have two husbands?”
“Listen to me. I have a plan. Just a little patience, and I’ll show you what’s really in my heart. You’ll have proof I haven’t forgotten you.”
“Nonsense. What are you saying? That you’re selling yourself to Tomiyama in order to make ends meet? Your family has seven thousand yen in the bank, and you’re the only daughter, right? You already know who your fiancé is. You know that in four or five years he’ll have his degree and that he has a future waiting for him. And didn’t you just say you’d never forget me? So what reason do you have to go out of your way to become engaged to someone like Tomiyama? Could there be a more ridiculous story in the whole world? The way I see it, it’s like this. When a woman who doesn’t have to marry goes out of her way to get married, there has to be some other reason. Is there something wrong with me? Or is it because you want to marry someone with money? It has to be one or the other. Tell me which. Don’t hold back. Come, Mii-san, be honest with me. A woman who has thought about getting rid of her fiancé shouldn’t have to hesitate now.”
“It’s all my fault. I’m sorry.”
“So there is something wrong with me?”
“Kan’ichi. You’re not being fair. If you doubt me, I’ll do whatever I have to do to prove myself to you.”
“So it’s not me? Then it has to be Tomiyama’s money. And your new marriage is all about greed, and so is my divorce. You agreed to this new arrangement, right? You’ll say you were forced by your father and mother and that you gave them your consent because you had no choice. But I can think of a few ways you could have broken it off. If I wanted, I could be the bad guy and bring this all to a h
alt without disgracing you or your parents. But I wanted to find out what you were thinking before making any plans. Tell me. Are you really thinking of marrying Tomiyama?”
Kan’ichi concentrated all his energy in the stare that focused on Miya’s troubled face. They walked together down the beach—five steps, seven steps, ten steps—and she still did not answer his question. He looked up into the sky and sighed.
“Fine. All right. Now I know.”
It was senseless to say more. He wouldn’t open his mouth again. He tried to calm his troubled heart by forcing himself to look away, out to sea. But he couldn’t bear the pain, and when he looked over to say something to Miya, she wasn’t there by his side anymore. She was twenty yards behind him, by the breakwater, holding her face with both hands and crying.
Her wretched figure was illuminated by the moon and tossed by the blowing wind. There she stood, sadly, ready to perish, lost at the edge of the endless ocean where the waves were breaking whitely. It was both beautiful and sad in the extreme, making Kan’ichi forget his anger and resentment, making him feel for a brief moment that he was gazing at a painting. When he thought once again of how that beautiful person would never be his, he wondered whether it were all a dream.
“A dream, a dream. I’ve been watching the longest dream.”
He hung his head and followed his feet as they took him farther down the beach. Still crying, Miya approached from behind until, once again, they were walking silently side by side.
“Mii-san. Why are you crying? What do you have to cry about? Your tears are a sham!”
“That’s right.” Her voice was so choked with tears he could barely hear it.
“Mii-san, I wanted to believe that you, of all people, didn’t think that way. But now I see your heart is full of greed. How pathetic you are! Miya-san, aren’t you disgusted with yourself ? You’ll be successful someday, maybe you’ll even live a life of luxury. Maybe that’s what you want. But you should think about me, the one you abandoned for the sake of money. Call it vexation. Call it mortification. Miya-san, I wanted to stab you! Don’t be surprised. More than that, I wanted to die. How do you think I felt, trying to deal with those feelings and watching myself not being able to do a thing about your being stolen away by someone else? How does it feel? Or maybe you think it doesn’t matter how others feel, just as long as your own needs are taken care of. So what was Kan’ichi to you? What did I mean to you? I spent some time with your family and imposed on everyone’s hospitality. But I was your husband, wasn’t I? I don’t ever remember signing up to be your gigolo. Miya-san, you made me your plaything, didn’t you? From the start, I thought the way you were acting was a little distant, and now I know why. From the very beginning, you thought of me as nothing more than a temporary distraction. You never did have true emotions for me. Not understanding that, I loved you more than I loved myself. I thought of you so much that I had no other joy in my life. So, Mii-san, do you still want to cast aside someone who loves you that much?
“Of course, I don’t stand up to Tomiyama when it comes to wealth. He’s one of the wealthiest men in Japan, and I’m nothing but a lowly student. But Mii-san, think about what you’re doing. You can’t buy happiness with money. Happiness and money aren’t the same thing. Human happiness requires harmony within the family. And what is family harmony? It’s when a husband and his wife share a deep, mutual love for each other. When it comes to loving you deeply, you can take a hundred people like Tomiyama; and in the end, none of them could love you a tenth as much as I care for you. Tomiyama might brag about his wealth, but I’ll compete with him any day. I have a love that people like him can’t even imagine. A couple’s happiness depends on just this kind of powerful love. Without it, a couple isn’t a couple. Mii-san, why would you even think of turning your back on the man who loves you and thinks of your happiness? Why settle for something useless, even harmful, to a marriage?
“Money can steal away a person’s heart. A scholar of great wisdom, even a fine gentleman who stands far above the masses, will do the dirtiest things for money. When I think about it in that way, maybe I can understand why your heart has changed so easily. I don’t blame you for what you’ve done. But I do want you to reconsider, Mii-san, just one last time. Tomiyama’s riches. How much good will they do for you as a couple?
“A sparrow can eat only ten or twenty grains of rice. If you set out a bag of rice, no bird will eat the whole bag. I’m not the kind of irresponsible man who would let you go hungry, to go without that ten or twenty grains of rice, even if I didn’t inherit your family’s wealth. If by some chance I couldn’t provide those ten or twenty grains, I’d go without rather than make you suffer. Mii-san, that’s how much I think of your welfare!”
Kan’ichi wiped away the tears that were rolling down his cheeks.
“So you’ll marry into the Tomiyama family. You’ll have a good life. You’ll live in luxury. Things will be easy. But there’s something you have to think about: that wealth wasn’t created in order to be lavished on someone’s wife. And what good is a fine lifestyle if there’s no love in your marriage? What is luxury? In this world, there are those who go off to evening parties in horse-drawn carriages, their ashen faces drawn with worry. And then there is the man who puts his wife and children in a rickshaw and pulls it himself so they can all go together to see the cherry blossoms. If you become a member of the Tomiyama family, you’ll have a lot of people to think about, and many guests coming and going. Think of all the pressure on you to act the part. You’ll be in the middle of it all. Your feelings will be hurt, but your husband won’t love you. Where is the happiness in that? You’ll work hard. But in the end, will that fortune become yours?
“The name ‘Mrs. Tomiyama’ may sound fine, but when it comes to eating, you’re no better off than the sparrow with its ten or twenty grains of rice. Suppose that fortune becomes yours to use, what would a woman do with ten thousand yen anyway? Even if you had tens of thousands of yen, do you honestly think a woman could use it in interesting ways? Isn’t it like telling a sparrow to eat a bagful of rice all at once? If it’s true that a woman has to have a man in order to get on in this world and if it’s true that the good or bad that comes your way depends on others, then a woman’s treasure surely has to be her husband. If you have millions and your husband isn’t your treasure, then won’t your feelings of insecurity make you wish you were married to the rickshaw man who takes his wife to see cherry blossoms?
“I hear that Tomiyama’s father has five mistresses—two in the house, and three living in other places. Men of wealth all follow the same pattern. Their wives become nothing but bed decorations, discards, I should say. You’ll be a discard, too, someday. And compared with your husband’s beloved mistresses, your responsibilities will be heavy and your suffering great. You’ll have all of the pain and none of the joy. Oh, yes. Your new husband Tadatsugu will desire you as his bride. For a while, he’ll love you, sure. But what happens as time passes? Since he has money, he’ll try to follow others’ examples to suit his needs. He’ll find other things to make him happy, and soon his love for you will grow cold. Think about how you’re going to feel then. Will Tomiyama’s money save you from pain? You may have money, but if your husband betrays you and makes you into a bed ornament, how fun is that going to be? Will you be satisfied?
“I admit it. I’m filled with resentment because you’ve been stolen away by another man. In three years from now, I’ll see your regret; and though I’ll still hate you because of your fickleness, I’ll also feel sorry for you. That’s why I’m telling you the truth now.
“If you grow tired of me, if you do fall for Tomiyama and become his wife, I won’t keep pestering you. But Mii-san, you’ve been thrown off course by the thought of marrying into a rich family, and that’s a mistake. That’s truly a mistake! A loveless marriage is nothing to look forward to. The rest of your life will be determined here tonight by what you decide now. Mii-san, if you value your life, then, please, I b
eg you to feel some sympathy for me! I beg you, please. Think through your decision one last time.
“I have seven thousand yen. I’ll be getting my degree. We’ll have enough to live a happy life together. Haven’t we been happy until now? I’m a man, but as long as I have you, even I don’t covet Tomiyama’s wealth. So what’s gotten into you, Miya-san? Have you forgotten me? Aren’t you fond of me?”
As if to shield her from danger, Kan’ichi took Miya into his arms. Shaking like a frost-bitten reed being tossed about by the wind, he shed hot tears on the fragrant nape of her neck. Miya, too, held him tightly. Together they trembled. She wept on Kan’ichi’s arm.
“Oh, what shall I do? If I marry him, Kan’ichi-san, then what will become of you? That’s what I need to know.”
Like a tree rent by a storm, Kan’ichi pushed Miya away.
“So you do intend to marry him! You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you? Damn! You rotten woman! You whore!”
While raising his voice, Kan’ichi also raised his foot and delivered a hard kick to Miya’s willowy hips. She fell over on her side with a thud. Unable to speak, she bore the pain silently, lying on the sand, crying. As if he had struck down a wild beast, Kan’ichi looked down at her with growing hatred in his eyes, at Miya lying weakly on the sand, unable to move.
“Miya, you, you bitch! It’s because of you and your fickle heart that I’ve gone mad with disappointment. You’ve made me ruin my life. To hell with studying! To hell with everything! Because of this grudge I bear in my heart, I’ll become the devil and eat the flesh of beasts like you, Mrs. Tomiyama. No, Madame Tomiyama! I won’t be seeing you again, so look up at this face while I’m still a human being. I’ve long been indebted to your father and mother, and I should meet them and pay my respects. But now I’ll never see them again, so give them my regards. If they ask about me, tell them the fool went crazy on the night of the seventeenth and that I disappeared from sight on the beach at Atami.”
The Columbia Anthology of Modern Japanese Literature: From Restoration to Occupation, 1868-1945: vol. 1 (Modern Asian Literature Series) Page 35
