“Oh,” I said. “Right.”
“Do you need help with anything?” Duncan asked. He’d followed me down to Tove’s, since he followed me everywhere.
“Sure, if you want.” Tove shrugged.
Duncan went in and pulled out some of Tove’s clothes from the drawer. I stayed where I was, hating how awkward everything felt between us. When we were training or talking politics, everything was good with Tove and me. We were almost always on the same page, and we talked openly about anything having to do with the palace or work.
But when it came to our wedding and our actual relationship, neither of us could ever find the words.
“Did you want to train today?” I asked Tove.
“Yeah, that’d be great actually.” Tove sounded relieved.
Training helped him a lot, too. The palace was so full of people, and Tove could sense their thoughts and emotions, creating loud static in his head. Training silenced that and focused him, making him more like a normal person.
“Outside?” I suggested.
“Yeah,” Tove nodded.
“But it’s so cold out,” Duncan lamented.
“Why don’t you stay in here?” I asked. “You can finish packing up some of Tove’s stuff.” Duncan looked uncertain for a second, so I went on, “I’ll be with Tove. We can handle ourselves.”
“Okay,” Duncan said, sounding reluctant. “But I’ll be here if you need me.”
Tove and I headed out back to the secret garden behind the palace. It wasn’t really secret, I guess, but it felt that way since it was hidden behind the trees and a wall. Even though a strong January storm had been blowing the last few days, the garden was peaceful.
The garden was magic. All the flowers still bloomed, despite the snow, and they sparkled like diamonds from the frost. The thin waterfall that flowed down the bluff should’ve frozen over, but it still ran, babbling.
A drift of snow had blown over the path. Tove simply held out his hand, and the snow moved to the sides, parting like the Red Sea.
He stopped in the orchard under the branches of a tree covered with frozen leaves and blue flowers.
“What shall we do today?” Tove asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “What are you in the mood for?”
“How about a snowball fight?” he asked with a wicked grin.
Using only his mind, he threw four snowballs at me. I held up my hands, pushing them back with my own telekinesis, and they shattered into puffs of snow from the force. It was my turn to sling a few back at him, but he stopped them just as easily as I did.
He returned fire, this time with even more snowballs, and while I stopped most of them, one of them slipped by and nicked me in the leg. I ran back, hiding behind a tree to make my counterattack.
Tove and I played around, throwing snow at one another, but it became increasingly hard as it went on. It all looked like games, and it was fun, but it was more than that. Stopping a slew of snowballs helped me learn to quickly stop multiple attacks from different directions. I tried to return fire even before I stopped the snowball, and that helped me learn how to fight back while stopping something.
Those were two completely different tasks, and they were difficult to master. I’d been working on this for a while, but couldn’t get it down. In my defense, neither could Tove, but he didn’t really think it was possible. My mind would have to be able to hold something and throw something at the same, which it could do, but starting and stopping things at the exact same time was the impossible part.
When we were both sufficiently frozen and exhausted, I collapsed back in the snow. I’d worn pants and a sweater today because I knew we were training, but all that exertion always left me overheated, so the snow felt good.
“Is that a truce then?” Tove asked, panting as he lay down in the snow next to me.
“Truce,” I said, laughing a little.
We both lay back, our arms spread out wide as if we meant to make snow angels, but neither of us did. Catching our breath, we stared up at the clouds moving above us.
“If this is what our marriage will be like, it won’t be so bad, will it?” Tove asked, and it was an honest question.
“No, it won’t be so bad,” I agreed. “Snowball fights I can handle.”
“Are you nervous?” he asked.
“A little.” I turned my head to face him, pressing my cheek into the snow. “Are you?”
“Yeah, I am.” He furrowed his brow, staring thoughtfully at the sky. “I think I’m most scared of the kiss. It will be our first time, and in front of all those people.”
“Yeah,” I said, and my stomach twisted at the thought. “But you can’t really mess up a kiss.”
“Do you think we should?” Tove asked, and he looked over at me.
“Kiss?” I asked. “You mean when we get married? I think we kind of have to.”
“No, I mean, do you think we should now?” Tove sat up, propping himself up with his arms behind him. “Maybe it will make it a bit easier tomorrow.”
“Do you think we should?” I asked, sitting too. “Do you want to?”
“I feel like we’re in the third grade right now.” He sighed and brushed snow off his pants. “But you’re going to be my wife. We’ll have to kiss.”
“Yeah, we will.”
“Okay. Let’s do it.” He smiled thinly at me. “Let’s just kiss.”
“Okay.”
I swallowed hard and leaned forward. I closed my eyes, since it felt less embarrassing if I didn’t have to see him. His lips were cold, and the kiss was chaste. It only lasted a moment, and my stomach swirled with nerves, but not the pleasurable kind.
“Well?” Tove asked, sitting up straighter.
“It was alright,” I nodded, more to convince myself than him.
“Yeah, it was good.” He licked his lips and looked away from me. “We can do this. Right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Of course we can. If anybody can, it’s us.
We’re like the most powerful Trylle ever. And we’re neat people.
We can handle spending the rest of our lives with each other.”
“Yeah,” Tove said, sounding more encouraged by the prospect.
“In fact, I’m looking forward to it. I like you. You like me. We have fun together. We agree on almost everything. We’re going to be the best husband and wife ever.”
“Yeah, totally,” I chimed in. “We’re perfect for each other.”
“We are,” Tove said, and then more quietly, “We really are.”
We both lapsed into silence after that, staring off at the snow, lost in our own thoughts. I wasn’t sure exactly what Tove was thinking. I wasn’t even sure what I was thinking. On paper, Tove and I made more sense than anyone else, but in my heart, it didn’t feel that way.
“Should we go in?” Tove asked abruptly. “I’m getting cold.”
“Yeah, me too.”
He got up and then took my hand, pulling me to my feet. He didn’t need to, but it was a nice gesture. We went into the palace together, neither of us saying anything, and I twisted at my engagement ring. The metal was icy from the snow, and it suddenly felt too large and heavy on my finger. I wanted to take it off and give it back, but I couldn’t.
5. Plans
I snuck in a copy of the Tryllic workbook Tove had gotten for me so I had something to do while Aurora went over all the last-minute details. It was the day before the wedding, so I hoped everything was on track. We didn’t have time for anything else.
I sat in a chair with the book open on my lap, while Aurora and Willa went over a checklist with about twenty wedding planners.
Aurora had even put Duncan to work counting table centerpieces to make sure we had enough.
Sometimes they asked for my help, and I gave it, but I think Aurora was happier when I didn’t have input. I might disagree with her if I did.
All my bridesmaids were here, and most of them I’d never even met. Willa was my maid of honor, and she�
�d chosen the rest of the wedding party because she actually knew them. Aurora insisted that this had to be huge, so I had ten bridesmaids.
“It’s the wedding of the century, and you’re studying,” Willa sighed as the day drew to a close. Aurora had checked everything twice, and the only people left in the room were me, Willa, Aurora, and Duncan.
“I need to know this.” I gestured to the book. “This is essential to being able to decipher old treaties. I don’t need to know about lavish party planning. You and Aurora have that covered.”
“That we do,” Willa smiled. “I think everything’s all set. You’re going to have a fantastic day tomorrow.”
“Thank you,” I said and closed the book. “I really do appreciate everything you’ve done.”
“Oh come on, I loved it,” she laughed. “If I can’t have a fairy tale wedding, at least I can plan one, right?”
“Just because you’re not a Princess doesn’t mean you can’t have a fairy tale wedding,” I said and stood up.
She gave me a pained smile, and I realized what I’d said. Willa was a Marksinna dating my brother Matt, a human, and if anybody found out, she’d be banished. She wasn’t even supposed to date him, let alone marry him.
“Sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be.” She waved it off. “You’re doing the best you can, and we all know it.”
She was referring to my efforts for more equality among the Trylle, trackers, and mänks. We were losing most of our population because they fell in love with humans, and then they were exiled.
Nobody was staying around.
From any standpoint, it made more sense to let people love who they loved. They were going to anyway, but if we stopped making it illegal, they would stick around more often and contribute to society.
I hadn’t done much to convince people of this yet, but I was too busy struggling with a Vittra solution. Once we got this fixed (if we ever got it fixed), I would make equal rights for everyone in Förening my top priority.
“Are we all done here then?” I asked.
“Yep,” Willa said. “You’ve got nothing left to do except get some rest, and get pretty tomorrow before the wedding. Then you just have to say ‘I do.’”
“I think I can handle that,” I said, but I wasn’t sure that I could.
“Are you alright by yourself, Aurora?” Willa asked as we headed to the door.
“I’m just finishing a few things up,” Aurora said without looking up from the papers she was going over. “Thank you, though.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Sleep well, Princess.” Aurora glanced up to smile at me.
Duncan and I walked Willa out, and she kept trying to convince me tomorrow would be fun. At the front door, she hugged me tightly and promised me everything would work out the way it was meant to.
I don’t know why that was supposed to be comforting. What if everything was meant to be a disaster? Knowing that it was meant to be horrible wouldn’t make it any better.
“Do you want me to go in with you?” Duncan asked when we got to my bedroom.
“Not tonight.” I shook my head. “I think I need some time to myself.”
“I understand.” He smiled reassuringly at me. “I’ll see you in the morning then.”
“Thank you.”
I shut the door behind me and flicked on my light, and I stared down at the giant ring on my finger. It signified that I belonged to Tove, to somebody I didn’t love. I went over to my dresser to take off my jewelry, but I kept staring at the ring.
I couldn’t help myself, and I pulled it off. It was really beautiful, and when Tove gave it to me it had been so sweet. But I’d begun to hate that band.
When I took it off, I glanced into the mirror on the back of the dresser, and I nearly screamed when I saw the reflection. Finn was sitting behind me on the bed. His eyes, dark as night, met mine in the mirror, and I could hardly breathe.
“Finn!” I gasped and whirled around to look at him. “What are you doing here?”
“I missed your birthday,” he said, as if that answered my question. He lowered his eyes, looking at a small box he had in his hands. “I got you something.”
“You got me something?” I leaned back on the dresser behind me, gripping it.
“Yeah,” he nodded, still staring down at the box. “I picked it up outside of Portland two weeks ago. I meant to get back in time to give it to you on your birthday.” He chewed the inside of his cheek.
“But now that I’m here, I’m not sure I should give it to you at all.”
“What you are talking about?” I asked
“It doesn’t feel right.” Finn rubbed his face. “I don’t even know what I’m doing here.”
“Neither do I,” I said. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to see you. I just… I don’t understand.”
“I know,” he sighed. “It’s a ring. What I got you.” His gaze moved from me to the engagement ring sitting the dresser beside me.
“And you already have one.”
“Why did you get me a ring?” I asked tentatively, and my heart beat erratically in my chest. I didn’t know what Finn was saying or doing.
“I’m not proposing to you, if that’s what you’re asking.” He shook his head. “I saw it and thought of you. But now it seems like poor taste. And here I am, the night before your wedding, sneaking in to give you a ring.”
“Why did you sneak in?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” He looked away and laughed darkly. “That’s a lie. I know exactly what I’m doing, but I have no idea why I’m doing it.”
“What are you doing?” I asked quietly.
“I…” Finn stared off for a moment, then turned back to me and stood up. “I don’t want you to marry him.”
“Finn, I-” I began, but he held up his hand, stopping me.
“No, I’m not asking you not to,” he said. “You need to do this.
We both know that. But I don’t want you to.”
All I’d ever wanted from him is for him to admit how he felt about me, and he’d waited until the day before my wedding. It was too late to change anything, to take anything back. Not that I could have, even if I wanted to.
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked with tears swimming in my eyes.
“Because.” Finn stepped toward me, stopping right in front of me.
He looked down at me, his eyes mesmerizing me the way they always did. He reached up, brushing back a tear from my cheek.
“Why?” I asked, my voice trembling.
“I needed you to know,” he said as if he didn’t truly understand it himself.
He set the box on the dresser beside me, and his hand went to my waist, pulling me to him. I let go of the dresser and let him. My breath came out shallow as I stared up at him.
“Tomorrow you will belong to someone else,” Finn said. “But tonight, you’re with me.”
His mouth pressed against mine, kissing me with that same rugged fierceness I had come to know and love. I wrapped my arms around him, gripping onto him as tightly as I could. He lifted me up, still keeping his lips on mine as he carried me over to the bed.
Finn lowered me down on the bed, and he was on top of me within seconds. I loved the feel of his body on mine, the weight of it pushing on me. His stubble scraped my skin as he covered my face and neck with kisses.
His hands went to the straps of my dress, pulling them down, and I realized with some surprise how far things might actually go tonight. He’d always put the brakes on things before they got too heated, but his hands were cupping my breasts as he kissed me.
I reached up, unbuttoning his shirt so fast, one of the buttons snapped off. I ran my hands over his chest, delighting in the smooth contours of his muscles and the pounding of his heart. He leaned down, kissing me hungrily again, and his bare skin pressed to mine.
His skin smoldered against me, his mouth searched mine, and his arm was around me, holding me
tighter still.
As we kissed, my heart swelled with happiness, and a surge of relief washed over me when I realized my first time would be with Finn. But that thought was immediately darkened when I realized something else. My very first time might be with Finn, but that would also be my last time with him.
I still had to marry Tove tomorrow. And even if I didn’t marry him, I could never be with Finn. Not really. I had the kingdom to worry about. A war was imminent. People were suffering and dying.
I couldn’t throw that all way on a tryst.
Even if I slept with Finn tonight, it wouldn’t mean anything.
“What’s wrong?” Finn asked, noticing a change in me.
“I can’t,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Finn looked ashamed, and he scrambled to get off me. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry.” He stood and hurriedly buttoned his shirt.
“No, Finn.” I sat up, adjusting my dress. “You don’t have to be sorry, but… I can’t do this anymore.”
“I understand.” He smoothed out his hair and looked away from me.
“No, Finn, I mean…” I swallowed hard and let out a shaky breath. “I can’t love you anymore.”
He looked up at me, his eyes startled and hurt, but he said nothing. He only stood there for a moment.
“You said that I belong to somebody else tomorrow but you tonight, and that’s not how it works, Finn.” Tears slid down my cheeks, and I wiped them away. “I don’t belong to anyone, and you don’t get to just have a part of me when you can.
“And I know that’s never what you meant to do,” I said.
“Neither of us meant for this. We were together when we could be.
Hidden moments and stolen kisses. I get that. And I don’t blame you or anything, but… I can’t do that anymore.”
“I hadn’t…” Finn trailed off. “I never wanted this for you. I mean, this thing we’ve had going on, whatever it’s been. You deserve more than I would ever be able to give you, more than I would ever be allowed to love you.”
“I’m trying to change things,” I said. “And I’ll admit that part of it has been selfish. I wanted to repeal the laws so maybe someday we could have a chance to be together. But… I can’t count on that.
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